Without You

Where…am I?

Kuchiki Byakuya woke to find himself surrounded by sakura. He felt the pale pink petals against his skin, and calmed against their touch. The pain that had enveloped his body was gone. As his eyes wandered across the scenery, the male Kuchiki found that he could move quite easily. The wounds are gone, he noted with a glance at his body. The once-gaping hole that had torn through his chest had disappeared, and the dark blood pouring from his wounds had gone as well.

Something…

Instead of his uniform containing his haori, Byakuya was wearing a simple white yukata. His dark gray eyes stared at the hand that had touched his fukutaichou's cheek. What possessed me to do such a thing? The noble thought with slight mystification. He had touched Renji tenderly, as one would caress a lover or person closest to your heart…and that was not their relationship. Byakuya's heart clenched painfully at the thought. I promised myself…that I would never make Renji have such raw pain on his face. And as always…I broke that promise. Byakuya stared at the sakura absently, wondering why Renji had cried. He had never, not even in his defeat against him to save Rukia, had lowered himself enough to cry in front of the Shinigami who took a deep part away from him. He had every reason to hate me, Byakuya thought as he looked across the clear stream. A small bridge made out of wood touched both sides, and it was only then that Byakuya understood where he was. The Kuchiki manor. He saw the familiar stone figures and the sakura petals falling from the trees. Why…am I here? The male Kuchiki slowly walked across the bridge, thinking of the multiple times he had walked with Hisana in this very same ground. Byakuya swallowed the aching grief in his heart at the thought of his beloved wife. Fifty years after your death…and I still love you, Hisana.

He thought of Renji, remembering the last words he had said to him. He said the same words to me when I was recovering in the hospital, never leaving my side. I never understood those words. I…had taken something precious away from him, his only light, when I adopted Rukia, and yet…

"Jiisama…" Byakuya hoarsely whispered as the aged Shinigami stood in front of him. His white hair and the solemn expression on his face had not changed. Still, Byakuya could see a film of sadness in his eyes.

"Byakuya." The sound of his name was enough to make the noble almost break the mask he currently had. The memory of his grandfather's and mentor's death was still a raw wound, nightmares invading his dreams of blood and death and the failure. Jiisama… Byakuya was stunned when he felt himself enveloped in his grandfather's arms, his body still as the former head of the Kuchiki clan lowered his grandson's head on his own neck. "My dear child…"

"Jiisama…" Byakuya whispered. He thought of the moment of when his grandfather had fallen, the Hollow disintegrating as screams echoed ceaselessly in the world of the Hollows. It was I…who was screaming that day. And… "I have failed the sixth division and the Kuchiki clan because of your death." The aged Kuchiki looked at Byakuya, his face unreadable as the younger bowed his head. "I am sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Byakuya." Kuchiki Ginrei motioned for his grandson to stand fully, and smiled softly at the young Shinigami, sending a shock through the younger Kuchiki. "It was…my time."

"But Jiisama –!" Byakuya protested. The elder Kuchiki shook his head.

"There are others who wish to see you as well, Byakuya."

"Is he…?" Byakuya could not meet his grandfather's gaze, and attempted to conceal the raw pain in his heart.

"He is not," Kuchiki Ginrei stated carefully. "I have not seen him," he stated the dark gray depths that were desperately – and in vain – trying to conceal their pain. "However, there are others who want to meet you as well."

Byakuya nodded, leaving behind the half-formed memory in his mind as his grandfather moved and another figure emerged and walked to Byakuya. It was a slender figure, wearing a shihakushou and a vice-captain's badge.

"Tousama…" This time, Byakuya made no attempt in hiding his emotions. Grief filled anew with happiness at the sight of Kuchiki Sojun standing in front of him. The kind Shinigami who died too young smiled at his grown son.

"You have grown, Byakuya." His voice was as soft and kind as Byakuya remembered. "You have grown into a proud Shinigami, as I had hoped." The sakura seemed to surround them more as Kuchiki Sojun stroked his son's cheek. "I am proud of you."

"Tousama…" Byakuya whispered, knowing his voice had cracked. Tears were about to fall, and he was not about to dishonor his father from shedding them. He was not a child anymore. Both father and son were silent as they gazed at one another.

"Byakuya…" The younger Kuchiki held his breath as his father took his hand in his own. They are not as small as they were when… "I want you to introduce you to someone."

Byakuya waited with his heart thumbing in his mind as a small woman came into view. She was wearing a dark blue kimono with a pattern of plum blossoms. Her hair was dark and tied back in the same silk as the material as the ginpaku kazano hana usuginu, and her light violet eyes shone with pure joy as she smiled.

Byakuya could not move as his mother, who had died during his birth, embraced him. He had…never known such a warm embrace had existed. Kaasama… The tears shed from his eyes, but strangely he did not feel ashamed. His mother was embracing him for the first time, filling him with the warmth that she had not been able to fill him with life. Her smile was felt even as Byakuya could not see through his tears. He remembered of how he had been afraid to approach his father, before the vice-captain had gone on the mission to the human world that had killed him, on the day of his mother's death. He had been so afraid…that like the servants, he would blame the three year old child for his mother's death. Byakuya still remembered their words, even though it had been over one hundred years. But his father hadn't blamed him. He had walked him to his mother's grave and explained to him that his mother loved him, even though she had not lived to see his face. "She still loves you, Byakuya." When his father had died, it had been his grandfather who had told him that his parents would want him to remember what they had lived and died for: him. And it was he who was going to honor their memory and become the Shinigami his parents knew he would become.

But…I have failed in so many ways. Rukia…was almost executed from my mistakes, and I could not protect anyone with my sword. His mother reached up to touch his face, and he found tears were trailing down her cheeks as well. Do not cry, my son, her eyes seemed to say. I know you have carried guilt within yourself for so long…but it time to let it go.

"Byakuya-sama…" Byakuya's heart skipped a beat as his mother allowed him to be greeted by the woman who had captured his heart. "Byakuya-sama…" She was standing in the center, watching with her warm violet eyes as Byakuya's parents and grandfather looked at the petite dark-haired woman with fringed bangs between her forehead.

"I am…sad to see you here, Byakuya-sama…" Byakuya stilled, his eyes not deceiving him as his wife Hisana stared at him with grief. "You should not be here," she continued. "It is not your time, Byakuya-sama."

"Hisana…" Byakuya whispered as his voice thickened. "Hisana, I am sorry. I…could not protect Rukia, and I…"

He was silenced with a tender kiss. Byakuya's tears threatened to overwhelm him again as he stared into his wife's loving eyes, feeling the ghost of her gentle lips against his own.

"I made you fulfill a very hard promise, Byakuya-sama. I am sorry. It…was very difficult to break your promise to your beloved parent's graves and to me." She silenced his protests with another soft kiss, this time on the cheek. Byakuya stared into her eyes that reminded him so much of Rukia. "My little sister is happy now, and you did not betray your promise in the end Byakuya-sama." A smile reached her face before disappearing. "Byakuya-sama, you must live. There is more…so much more…to live for." Hisana brushed her small and fragile fingers against Byakuya's own. "You deserve to be happy, Byakuya-sama. There people who need you. Can't you…hear them?"

Renji… Byakuya immediately thought. The tears trailing down his vice-captain's cheeks as he was dying, and the raw expression and screams that Renji had made during his almost fatal-battle against As Nodt. Renji…why did you cry? It was my will to protect you. And Rukia… He thought of how Rukia had avoided him during the weeks after cutting her hair, believing that cutting her hair would cause anger from him…as it would be the last piece of her older sister that she had thrown away. Byakuya had told her calmly that she was not be ashamed, and that the last living piece of Hisana was before him. Her smile brightened his world, and the enemy who had almost killed him showed him of how much he loved and cared for his adopted younger sister. Showing her dead corpse in his mind, rotting away. Renji… In his mind eye, he could his vice-captain looking at him through sorrowful brown eyes, grasping his limp hand his own.

"You deserve to be happy, Byakuya-sama." The male Kuchiki turned, and found that his parents and grandfather were standing with his wife. Shock shook through Byakuya as he saw the scenery fading away, the figures of his family fading away.

"Hisana…!" he bellowed.

Wake up…Byakuya-sama….everyone needs you...

Byakuya… The Shinigami turned, knowing that voice from anywhere. It was drowning in despair and tears. A flash of Renji's face appeared in his mind.

Renji…?

Three months had passed. It was now January, with snow falling onto the ground. Renji was standing in Kuchiki-taichou's room as the noble continued to refuse to open his eyes, Kyoraku-soutaichou's words in his mind. It has been three months…and yet… Renji gritted his teeth and clenched his hands. Taichou…why won't you wake up? He had been beyond surprised when Rukia and Ichigo, both captains of the thirteenth and eighth divisions now, had come to visit the unconscious taichou. Although both of them were very busy in rebuilding their divisions, both the younger sister and the former Substitute Shinigami came by and offered their support. "Niisama will definitely wake up, Renji," the recent captain of the thirteenth division stated determinedly as her childhood friend stared at the pale face of his captain. Ichigo had tried to help too, in his own stupid way. "Yeah, Byakuya's got to wake up to kick Rukia's ass for becoming a captain without his consent." Renji inwardly rolled his eyes as Rukia glared. Suddenly, Ichigo pulled his hand toward Rukia's and entwined their fingers. Renji watched, gaping, as a blush ordained Rukia's cheeks as Ichigo mumbled, "He's also got to wake up to kill me when he finds out that I'm finally dating Rukia."

Renji remembered with a slight smirk of how Ichigo had yelped when Renji punched him on the head. "What the hell was that for?!" the captain of the eighth division yelled as he glared at the red-headed Shinigami.

"For not making moves sooner, you dumbass!" Renji had growled.

He stood alone in the room now, watching his captain breathe but not wake.

"I really want you to wake up, Taichou." Renji's brown orbs oozed in pain. "Not because I can't take over the division, but because I want…" Renji swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut in agony. Taichou… He had been, as Zakari-taichou put it, "a pathetic mess of flesh." It seemed that the sixth division itself had become a place of mourning as the deadline of Renji accepting the position of the taichou of the sixth division drew nearer. He couldn't focus, and even his presence at Rukia's birthday celebration had been subdued and pathetic. And Renji found that he spent most time in Kuchiki-taichou's room than anywhere else. His younger self would have been appalled to find that he didn't go to any of the festivities or drinking during the week of New Year's. Instead, Renji had spent it with his taichou and watched his face.

"I cannot live without you…Kuchiki-taichou." Renji spoke slowly, drawing from the emotion and raw agony he had experienced in the last week. It was January 20, the day he was supposed to say he would accept the positon. Six months after the war had ended. He didn't want to go. He wanted to wait until the last second to Kyoraku-soutaichou. Renji didn't want to leave…Kuchiki Byakuya. "I want to say…that I cannot live without you in my word…Kuchiki-taichou." Renji grasped his captain's hands, feeling his taichou's beautiful hands in his own. So beautiful…that's one of the things I admired about you, taichou. You have beautiful hands, deadly enough to kill and gentle enough to play a piano, one of the human instruments that Ichigo once told me about. "I want you to wake…please…my taichou."

Renji was beyond the caring point that he was crying. He simply stared at his captain, feeling despair and agony run through his veins. "I need you by my side, Kuchiki-taichou!"

"Byakuya…"

The name was whispered against his lips, a soothing warmth going through him as he whispered the name of the Shinigami he…

"Byakuya…?"

Renji gasped his name, tears continuing to run down his cheeks as he saw the dark gray eyes he desperately wanted to see open slowly. His hand felt warm against his own, and the bleary eyes that began to open suddenly found his.

"…Ren…" Renji stared in shock as his captain tried to speak. His voice was weak and reedy. "Ren...ji…"

"Byakuya!" Renji embraced his captain before he could think, his arms around the dark-haired Shinigami as his head rested against Byakuya's neck. "Byakuya…" the red-haired Shinigami continued to whisper, thick tears pouring down his face as his voice thickened. Renji held his captain tighter.

"Byakuya!"

Neither had realized Renji had called his captain by his first name.