Ever Present Feeling

"Are you ready, Taichou?"

The dark-haired noble slightly turned toward his vice-captain, his voice impassive and his face calm as it always had been. "I would not be here if I was not prepared, Renji." The male Kuchiki turned to the entrance to the sixth division, his dark eyes oblivious to the fact that his vice-captain was watching him carefully. "I am not made out of glass."

"I never thought you were, Taichou." Renji's taichou glanced in his direction, the red-head slightly blushing at the movement. Somehow despite his sudden racing heart, Renji managed to speak calmly. "I just know that today is your first day back in the division, and I…" he hesitated slightly, waiting for perhaps the noble to react, but he did not. "I want to make sure you don't push yourself," Renji finished with a faint whisper. Kuchiki-taichou said nothing for a moment, his eyes wandering back to the entrance of their division.

I wonder how much he knows… Renji thought as he watched his beautiful taichou, of how…my feelings for him have changed over the past week since he woke up. Renji remembered vividly of how he had refused to let his taichou go, even as he sensed the dark-haired Shinigami weakening in his arms when he finally opened his eyes. As if one moment would take him away again. We never spoke of how I said his actual name, Renji thought as he further remembered that night. Kuchiki Byakuya hadn't said one word as his vice-captain sobbed into his shoulder, soaking the cotton yukata as the sobs echoed in the room. The captain had tried to say his name once Renji had calmed, his head resting slightly on his shoulder, before the red-haired Shinigami hastily wiped his eyes and told him to rest. The dark-haired Shinigami had tried to lower himself onto the futon, but was too weak to do so. Renji remembered of how he had gently lowered his taichou onto the soft material, his gaze never leaving those dark grey eyes. Kuchiki-taichou almost looked as if he wanted to say something then, but remained quiet and still as Renji hastily ran to the servants' quarters to tell them that their master had finally woken. When he returned, with a healer in tow, Renji found the dark-haired Shinigami asleep, his face peaceful and gentle as his hands lay calmly by his sides.

I never thought I had never seen something so beautiful, Renji thought. And my thoughts…seemed to further surround him even further…if that was possible. Again, Renji was behind the dark-haired noble as he walked inside his – their – division. The kanji for six embedded on his haori. The only difference was that even though Kuchiki-taichou tried to hide it, there was a slight tension in his reiatsu, so weak and shallow that only Renji, who had spent forty years memorizing the reiatsu of the Kuchiki noble, noticed. Renji had watched as his taichou regained his strength, and was very moved to find that the servants in his household were very happy to find their master awake again. Although the beautiful gardens from the summer months were gone, Renji noted that his taichou would always stare outside when he thought no one was looking. There was almost a look of sadness on his face. Sadness? Renji had thought. Why the hell would he be sad? Then he had mentally slapped himself, cursing himself as the dumbest idiot in Sereitei. He's thinking about his dead wife, you stupid baboon! Still, the look on Kuchiki-taichou's face would not leave his mind.

The dark-haired Shinigami had been surprisingly accepting of Rukia's promotion when the Kuchiki siblings, Ichigo, and Renji had dinner together two days after he had awoken. "You will be the pride of the thirteenth division, as you have been mine, Rukia." Those were his exact words, Renji pondered. He normally doesn't say sappy stuff like that. And Ichigo looked like a blow-fish from his expression! None had been more stunned by the captain's words than the older Kuchiki, who stilled and was unable to look at a shocked but tearfully happy Rukia throughout the entire dinner. I wonder if Ichigo will survive Kuchiki-taichou's bankai now once he knows he's dating Rukia. Renji slightly snickered despite himself. It'll be a scratch compared to before!

"Renji." The red-haired Shinigami stopped and realized they were almost to the main office where he and the captain worked. His brown eyes stared as Kuchiki-taichou suddenly pulled out a form and handed it to him. "I have to thank you…for everything you have done. And as a consequence –"

"Taichou?" Renji whispered, his hands shaking as he looked at the form with its elegant handwriting that he could barely read but every Shinigami knew, form the lowest unseated officer to the third seat. A captain recommendation form! I've always… Renji gulped, hardly daring to look at Kuchiki-taichou. It is true that I've always dreamt of this. To become a captain in my own right, to make others see my own strength, and that even a dog from Rukongai could even…! Renji sighed and he was surprised to find stark confusion in his taichou's eyes. He probably thinks I thought I wanted this more than anything else. Hell, anyone would jump at a chance like this! But… Renji remembered of how it felt to fight by his taichou's side. This feeling…

"I can't accept this, Kuchiki-taichou!" Renji stated firmly. He noted of how the noble's expression became unreadable as Renji continued. "I mean, it's great and everything…hell, if you asked me this when I first became your vice-captain, I would jump to it!" He swallowed, suddenly feeling as if his heart was in his throat as Kuchiki-taichou's eyes briefly stared into his own. "I…" Why is it so damn hard to say? Renji thought as his tongue suddenly become thick with sand. "I want to stay by your side, Taichou." Always, Taichou, the younger Shinigami thought as he watched the Kuchiki noble stand silently for a couple of moments. Watching the dark hair frame his thin face and his dark gray eyes looking towards him before turning away. Renji almost didn't notice the small nod aimed at his direction.

What?! Renji did a double-take, attempting not to have his mouth open as he openly stared at Kuchiki-taichou. He said yes?! I can't believe it… Renji thought as he continued to trail his taichou. He smiled for the first time since the day began, and felt soft laughter wanting to bubble from his lips. I'm staying, Renji thought blissfully. I'm staying by his side!

His eutrophic thoughts calmed as Kuchiki-taichou opened the souji screen to their shared space, mist covering his eyes as the red-haired Shinigami realized now of what a lonely place it had been without his taichou. There is no place I would rather be…than by your side, Kuchiki-taichou…

Kuchiki Byakuya sighed silently as a hell butterfly interrupted his paperwork and landed on his finger. Byakuya-sama, stated the cool voice of Head Councilor Kuchiki Norio, your presence is required at the council hall meeting room at once.

Byakuya did not have to think in order to know what the apparent immediate meeting entitled. They will pressure me to marry again, the dark haired noble thought darkly as he stood. It had not ceased to wander in his mind of why the council had not requested a meeting as soon as he had woken. After all, the elders had not waited for a day to pass before they summoned him to their hall following Hisana's death. Their carefully chosen words and silent scorn burned through his mind as he remembered the dull grief as the council of elders expressed their empty condolences to his younger self. They took advantage of my weakness, and made it so that I would not break the rules again. An image of Rukia, not able to meet his eyes and barely concealing her distress, haunted Byakuya despite the passage of time and a taichou's haori proudly lying on his sister's shoulders. Since Rukia, I have not broken the rules. I promised my mother and father that I would no longer be selfish, and proudly uphold the honor of the Kuchiki name.

Every decade, the Council of Elders would try to persuade Byakuya to marry again, to remind him of his duties. They do not seem to realize my heart belongs to Hisana…no, that is wrong, the dark-haired Shinigami thought as he told Renji coolly that he would come back to the sixth division at noon. He heard his vice-captain's voice at the corner of his mind, using flash step as he exited the building. They insult my wife with every meeting I have with them, calling her unworthy of me.

A dull anger surged within the Kuchiki noble at the memories, something of which had been occurring lately. It was rare for his emotions to be as…noticeable, and Byakuya wondered what was the cause. My connection with Senbonzakura has not detreated, and my powers are returning at a quicker rate than my healers had realized. This emotion… Byakuya stilled, standing motionless before the hall with its intricate designs with a large seal of the Kuchiki clan in the center. Could it be…?

Before anything could come to that thought, Byakuya thought of what had occurred with his vice-captain this morning. I wonder why Renji refused. Certainly a Shinigami of his strength would accept. The Head Councilor Kuchiki Norio stood before Byakuya as the Shinigami entered the room at the head of the multiple desks, and the multiple councilors and elders followed suit. Byakuya stood in the center of the room and waited for the meeting to begin. Even so, his thoughts remained on his elusive fukutaichou. It is as he said. Years ago, he would have accepted the position as another division's taichou. Something has changed in his mindset. The Kuchiki remembered faintly of how his vice-captain had held him tightly, his tears soaking the yukata that he wore during the first moments when he had woken. It was Renji's voice that called me back, the noble thought at the memory of the sweet scent of plum blossoms. I am…

"Byakuya-sama, we have come to discuss the origin of your absence in recent events."

So it has come to this, Byakuya thought with slight sarcasm. Usually they wait for my permission to continue.

"I was in a coma for six months, Head Councilor Norio," Byakuya intoned calmly. "My fukutaichou, Abarai Renji was in charge of the sixth division at that time. I am now conscious and I –"

"With all due respect, Byakuya-sama," stated Head Councilor Norio without pause, "you are weak." Byakuya saw several other elders nodding. "You have woken after half a year, defeated twice in a battle regarding the recent enemies, and have almost died because of it."

There was a pause.

"If I am honest, Byakuya-sama," Head Councilor Norio stated with coolness that Byakuya noted mirrored his own, "you have been weak since that half-breed Kurosaki Ichigo halted the execution of that girl."

Anger that Byakuya had not experienced a century started to rise as several elders started to speak.

"It is time that you marry, Byakuya-sama, so that you have an heir in the event of your death."

"It is our duty to remind the Kuchiki clan head if he has strayed or weakened in strength and resolve," stated another. "Byakuya-sama, you have done both."

"It shames the Kuchiki clan that the mistake continues to shame our clan," stated elder Nagato, his clear blue eyes glaring at Byakuya in open disgust. "I heard that she has been made a captain of the Gotei 13." They truly believe this, Byakuya thought as he struggled to control the dark anger seeping through his veins. And they… "How weak the Gotei 13 has become."

"Perhaps we should choose another leader," stated a smooth voice.

Byakuya focused his gaze on the councilor and elder on the right. Although the elders and councilors referred to the same people, their influence upon the decisions of each noble family remained strong. The only one who could defy the council and persuade them was Shihohin Yoruichi, Byakuya thought of his former senpai. The council stands to guide the heads of the clans in their decisions, and has been the foundation of law for generations. Byakuya's dark gray eyes locked onto the councilor who had spoken, staring briefly into those calculating green eyes before withdrawing. Councilor Norinaga. My cousin, who has been trying to usurp me since I became the head of the clan half a century ago. Forbidden memories flashed through his mind, a sneering teenage vivid. Older than myself, and yet denied the leadership his father had sought.

"Has he even connected with his zanpakutou?" Councilor Norinaga continued, ignoring the slight gasps that echoed in the room amidst Byakuya's shock at the absurdity of such a challenge of leadership. That is the lowest he can go, the dark-haired noble thought with growing rage. To suggest my bond with Senbonzakura has been severed, the first sign if a Shinigami is capable. Byakuya's hands clenched. A Shinigami must connect with his or her zanpakutou in order to become stronger and one of the first signs of the bond between them. To suggest that I, who has had Senbonzakura by my side for over a century, is a direct challenge of leadership!

"It is not the right time, Councilor Norinaga." Stated the elder across from him. "Byakuya-sama has not died, and he has not chosen a wife to marry and have an heir with her." There was an empty pause. "If you wish to discuss Byakuya-sama's leadership, Councilor Norinaga, you should proceed with a separate meeting with the council."

The council has never challenged a clan head to this extent. Never, not even when my father was alive…and this suggests they truly doubt my leadership. How low they have fallen with their short-sighted vision!

"Enough." Byakuya's reiatsu spiked dangerously, and all the councilors besides Head Councilor Norio recoiled. "How dare you shame me by calling me weak," he hissed icily. "Weak?" he repeated, the reiatsu thickening with rage. "Until you have held a sword with your own hands, and felt the soul of your zanpakutou dying beside your own," Byakuya shouted as he could see the councilor's sweat falling from their foreheads and their breathing erratic from the choking reiatsu, "and willing to fight and die to protect something more than such shallow ideas of honor and pride, then you did not deserve to know yourselves as strong!"

No one in the room spoke. The councilors appeared stunned of how the normally controlled and aloof Byakuya spoke to them, and the taichou swallowed thickly.

"This meeting is adjourned."

As soon as Byakuya exited the council room building, he found his left hand holding onto the bark of a tree as the Kuchiki clan head attempted to collect himself. I do not know what possessed me to speak to them in that manner, Byakuya thought as his breathing slowed. My hands are shaking, the noble thought as he saw his hands shaking and unable to hold onto anything properly. Byakuya's hands were at his sides, his thoughts deepening in…sadness as he stared at the sky.

I do not know what possessed me to allow Renji to remain as my vice-captain. The Gotei 13 needs as many captains with leadership and skill that I know Renji possesses. Why would I immediately nod, feeling this…childish happiness of having him by my side?

Byakuya continued to stare at the sky, his thoughts clouding as the images of his fukutaichou walking with him by his side, his presence…his reiatsu…his smile that Byakuya secretly…

It will not be long now before he realizes my feelings for him, the dark-haired noble thought with a heavy heart. And I cannot seem to conceal my feelings.

Why am I no longer in control of myself?

Byakuya closed his eyes as a rush of sudden despair blinded him to his surroundings.

Akiya…

Something's wrong with Kuchiki-taichou. Ever since he had returned from wherever he had been, the dark-haired Kuchiki had been quiet. Quieter than what was normal. Renji had sneaked a few glances at the Kuchiki as he worked, but the Shinigami appeared to be fine on the surface, but Renji still looked at him, concern growing with each passing hour. It was now dark, and everyone but the taichou and fukutaichou had stopped working. Renji was putting the last documents away when he noted Kuchiki-taichou not moving from where he sat.

"Taichou?" Renji whispered. The dark-haired Shinigami appeared to look in his direction, and Renji inwardly gasped at the sight of sweat trickling down the Shinigami's neck. I told him not to push himself, Renji thought angrily as he flash-stepped by his taichou's side. He's so stubborn when it comes to things like this!

"I am fine, Renji." Renji tensed as he heard the slight breathlessness in his taichou's voice. The dark-haired Shinigami moved slowly, attempting to hide the cold sweat trickling down his neck from Renji as he suddenly swayed. Renji was about to move towards him when his taichou held his hand, slightly shaking. "I am fine, Abarai." Shit… Renji thought with apprehension. He only says that when he's really pissed! That, or seriously exhausted like he is now. The male Kuchiki only made a few steps before his legs caved underneath from him and he started to fall.

"Taichou!" Renji was able to catch him before he fell. The taichou of the sixth division had his head against Renji's left shoulder, as the his vice-captain was awkwardly attempting to hold him gently to not hurt him and at the same time not damage whatever pride he had left. Looking closer, Renji could see now of how pale his taichou looked. Beads of sweat were starting to leak from his forehead, and his breathing was slightly ragged. I have to do something! Renji thought furiously as he saw Kuchiki-taichou's eyes slightly open, only a dark sliver of gray to be seen. I can't let him stay like this!

"Do you…think I am weak, Renji?"

Huh? The incredulous question remained in his mind as Kuchiki-taichou opened his eyes fully. Renji was stunned to find his taichou's eyes to be raw with emotion.

"No, of course not, Kuchiki-taichou!" Renji shouted, then inwardly cringed at the loudness of his voice. He doesn't need a headache from me from all else he's been through. "You're the strongest Shinigami I know," he answered more quietly. "And that's the truth."

"These emotions…" Kuchiki-taichou stated softly, his voice barely a whisper. Renji watched as his taichou moved his face away from him. As if that could hide how he's feeling! "These emotions…I have been experiencing…I have no control over them."

"What emotions are you talking about?" Is this kind of what happened with Rukia the other day? Renji thought, the meeting flashing in his mind. Or maybe…what happened today?

"Why did you stay as my vice-captain, Renji?" Kuchiki-taichou asked.

Why is he asking that? Renji thought incredulously. He's never asked that before, not when the shit when Aizen went down, not when he was defeated by that creepy Quincy, and not when he was recovering either! Renji's brown eyes narrowed. What the hell is going on?

"One question at a time, Taichou!" Renji half-joked. Seeing no response, the red-haired Shinigami sighed swallowed. Out of all the questions, I wish he wouldn't have asked that one. "You're not weak, Kuchiki-taichou," Renji stated firmly. "You never were. I would know," Renji stated with a small laugh. Kuchiki-taichou's dark eyes seemed to follow him. "I admired you for forty years, and I never saw a moment of weakness. Even when you were defeated by Ichigo, you didn't truly lose. Losing is what happened to me that time," Renji said as the memory of being torn up with his blade broken at Ichigo's feet appeared in his mind. "You stood proud and…"

Beautiful, he wanted to say but stopped himself. "…Strong. The only reason why you were defeated was because you defended my ass," Renji whispered, guilt marring his insides. "That's why you were hit so much by As Nodt right?" Remorseful brown eyes bored into dark gray. "You protected me from your own bankai with your shikai, and he wounded you even more because of that." Lying awake from nightmares, I wondered why he wounded you so much. It…took me only then that I realized you only got hurt, that you almost died because I wasn't strong enough. "And before, you took the hit that was supposed to be mine in our fight against the vice-captain of the Quincies or whatever," Renji continued. His taichou continued to be unmoved. "Emotions are okay, Kuchiki-taichou." He licked his lips, words echoing in his mind that he wanted to say but couldn't. "It's okay not be in control sometimes."

"Ever since I awoke, I have been feeling emotions more keenly than in the past century," the dark-haired Shinigami stated with his eyes boring into Renji's. "I…do not know how to handle them."

Neither do I, Renji thought. A gasp inwardly rose within him at the sight of clear liquid seeping from Kuchiki-taichou's eyes. Tears…? Renji gaped. Why is he…?

"I do not understand why you would dedicate so much of your life to mine, Renji." The red-haired Shinigami could only stare as the former distant Kuchiki Byakuya continued to cry. "Why you are holding me now, seeing my weakness, when I have tried to kill you, and take away all that mattered to you." Renji's heart halted, his limbs turning cold as he remembered Rukia running from him, not seeing her for forty years. It was because… "I meant what I said when I said you probably wished me dead, Renji." It was because…I thought I wasn't worth enough to her. She was getting a family, and I…no matter how many years we lived in Inuzuri, I couldn't complete it. "I almost executed Rukia, blinded by my own belief of law, and have failed to protect my subordinates…including you, Renji."

"Don't you dare speak anymore, Taichou!" Renji yelled. "Don't you dare speak another word, because the Shinigami I have always respected would never lower himself like this! That Shinigami…" Renji whispered, his heart beating in his chest, as tears continued to trail down Kuchiki-taichou's cheeks. "That Shinigami…would know in his heart of how I felt, how we all feel about you." A strange calmness took a hold of the younger Shinigami, and he lowered his palm on his captain's cheek. "So please…don't cry. Nakanaide...onegai. I cannot bear to see your tears, Taichou."

"And…" Taichou whispered, his voice quiet. "How do you feel in your heart, Renji?"

Ore wa… Renji thought as the palm circled his beautiful, crying captain's face, pulling his face towards his. Ore wa…

"Ore wa anata o aishiteru," Renji whispered.

His taichou widened his eyes, and for a moment was unable to speak. Renji softly smiled, happy that he was able to say the words that had been echoing in his heart. I've always…admired you. I don't know when or how the feeling changed, but I'm suddenly happy. For some reason…

The vice-captain was shocked to find his captain looking at him with tenderness.

"Watashi mo…" His captain whispered, moving his face closer and closer to the red-head's. "Watashi mo anata o…aishiteru."

Before Renji could speak, the vice-captain felt warm lips touch his own. The touch was brief, almost non-existent, but Renji a tingling in his lips that hadn't occurred before.

"Saigo…no…mou ichido…" His taichou whispered as his eyes slowly closed as he fell asleep soundly.

"Saigo no mou…ichido…Renji."

Ore wa anata o aishiteru - I love you

Watashi mo...anata o aishiteru - I love you too.

Saigo no mou ichido - This is the last time.