Akiya's Lament

"Byakuya?" The child would not move from hiding. "Byakuya?" Even at his father's urging, the child could not move. He was wearing a light blue kimono and his dark hair in a small ponytail, barely noticeable, and trying not to cry. He was holding his knees and hiding behind the wood that held the room where his father was visiting his mother. At the thought, Byakuya attempted to hide his tears but was unable to.

Why? Byakuya thought, his toddler mind not understanding of the mean words the servants had said. Why did they say those things? Is it really my fault that Kaasama died?

"It's okay, Byakuya." Immediately Byakuya could feel his father's warm arms around him, holding his head against his shoulder as his younger son attempted to hide his tears. They flowed thickly, falling from his eyes and soaking his father's clothes.

"Is it…really my fault that Kaasama died, Tousama?" Byakuya's voice was small, barely audible as he moved his crying face to the concerned face to his father's.

Kuchiki Soujun looked sadly at Byakuya for a moment before his face became gentle.

"No, Byakuya." His father held him in his arms as he walked closer to the shrine. "It was not your fault. Nor was it your nii-sama's, Akiya's." A brief frown framed his face. "Who told you this, Byakuya?"

"Some servants," three year old Byakuya whispered as his father's face turned serious. "Kasumi-san…Noriko-san…and Haruka-san." He remembered of searching across the rooms to look for Nii-sama, but stopped when he heard some of the female servants whisper Kaa-sama's name. Byakuya was often curious, so the little boy inched closer to the servants as he heard his name. It was…odd. He didn't like the way his name was said, like something bad. And when they saw that he had listened, they didn't go away.

"If you hadn't been born, then Sakura-sama would still be with us!"

Why? The child had thought as he sobbed when he ran away, his tears blinding him as the words echoed in his head. Why…? Nii-sama, where are you? Instead, the distraught child saw his father with his mother, the kenseiken in his hair not seen as he was bowing his head to the picture of Byakuya's and Akiya's mother.

As Byakuya continued to cry as he sobbed the story to his father, he felt the soothing strokes of his father's hands along his back, calming him.

"It is not your fault, Byakuya. Your mother loved you very much." Byakuya looked at his father's eyes. "She loved you so very much…and your nii-sama too. Without even giving you your name, your mother loved you, Byakuya, and she would never blame you for her death." Kuchiki Soujun stroked his younger son's cheek fondly. "And I do not blame you, Byakuya. You and your nii-sama…are my heart."

Byakuya remembered his father gently wiping away his tears and taking his small hand in his to where his mother was. The shrine was small, with only a picture of Kaasama. She was beautiful. Long dark hair was framed her face, tied back with the scarf Jiisama always wore. She was wearing a kimono with sakura petals, a serene smile on her face.

"Your mother will always protect you, Byakuya," his father said as he continued to stare at the photo before smiling gently at his son. "And she will protect your nii-sama as well."

Byakuya looked at the photo of Kaasama, his lip trembling despite wanting not to cry. "She loves you, Byakuya," the vice-captain of the sixth division said as he embraced his crying son. "She will always love you."

"I'm sorry, Nii-sama."

A six year old Akiya stared with confusion at his younger twin, who was attempting to hide his face as tears pelted down his cheeks. The young boy sat across from his brother, his wide dark gray eyes trying to look at Byakuya's agonized expression. "Because of me…I was chosen as the heir…even though you –"

"Stop, otouto." Byakuya looked up and he could see a sad look on Nii-sama's face. "I don't care about being the heir to the clan." Tears continued to pour down the child's cheeks as his calmer twin spoke to him. "Tousama has died, and you…must be the one to lead the clan now."

"But Jiisama is still alive, Nii-sama!" Byakuya protested, feeling his broken heart shatter more at the memories of their father's funeral. The heat of the flames and the burning of the pyre echoed in his mind as the young child stood motionless as the members of the Gotei 13 and his clan were there. The thought of Jiisama, who seemed so invincible and amazing and kind, dying, was enough to cause another set of tears to leak from Byakuya's eyes. "Jiisama…can't die. He just can't."

"But otouto," his twin eased as the child continued to weep, "a Shinigami must accept death. We're still children," he continued quietly, "but as the head of the Kuchiki clan, your childhood has ended."

Byakuya wouldn't respond for a moment. He took a deep breath and dried his eyes, blinking his large dark gray eyes to look at Nii-sama. "I know. But…I don't want to be separated from you, Nii-sama. Jiisama…said that now I have to train every day, in order to become strong...but I don't want to do it without you!" His beloved older twin didn't make a sound as Byakuya's voice started to tremble. "I know you're sick all the time, Nii-sama…like Tousama…but do you think you can stay be my side?" Byakuya looked up hopefully.

"Otouto, you know I cannot."

Byakuya's eyes widened, and then lowered in disappointment. He looked at his hands without staring into his twin's eyes.

"I wish you would become the head of our clan," Byakuya murmured quietly. His voice slightly shook. "Nii-sama…is so calm and wise…not like me." Byakuya bowed his head. "Naganori says I'm a crybaby and unsuited to be the clan head."

"You will become a good leader someday, otouto," Nii-sama said before he held his brother's hand in his own. "I know you will…because we share the same blood…of Tousama and Jiisama…and all of our ancestors that made the Kuchiki clan proud."

"Nii-sama…" Byakuya spoke in wonder. He stared at the smile Nii-sama had, calm and peaceful. His dark hair framed his face with a small ponytail the same as Byakuya had. He reminded Byakuya so much of Tousama…with his kindness and always holding him when he cried…his patience. The younger twin had a flash of memory of his father then, as the two of them walked through the beautiful cherry blossoms. "Your Kaasama loved cherry blossoms, Byakuya." The small child waited as his father spoke to him without a glance, staring at the cherry blossoms falling on the ground. "That was why…I planted so many cherry blossom trees to show my love to her." Kuchiki Soujun turned, and a faint smile echoed across his face as he stared gently as his younger son. "It is a good thing that you love cherry blossoms as much as your Kaasama did, Byakuya. Because…she will always be with you whenever you see them." I don't know where you are, Tousama…. I want to see you again. Why…

Why… Byakuya thought as he buried his head into Nii-sama's shoulder and started to sob, Why did you have to leave?

"Nii-sama?" Byakuya whispered. His twin was not looking at him or at the scenery of the gardens which Byakuya knew he adored. Byakuya was wearing the white and blue uniform of the Shinigami Academy, his once clean hands now with numerous scratches. Nii-sama was wearing a dark blue kimono with the kenseiken in bangs of his hair on the right and left sides. Normally, with Byakuya holding onto Nii-sama, they would begin to talk about their individual days, with Byakuya's training and classes in the Shinigami Academy, or Nii-sama's recent illness and how he was cooperating. But Nii-sama was not even looking at his younger twin. His gaze appeared to be somewhere else, the usual calm silver appearing dark. "Nii-sama, what's wrong?" Byakuya demanded and held onto his brother's arm tightly.

"Whatever do you mean, otouto?"

"You know what I mean," Byakuya snapped as irritation started to rise in his mind. "This! How you're not looking at me, or talking to me?" Confusion as well as anger swelled as Nii-sama started to laugh quietly.

"How a crybaby turned into a hothead who would challenge Kyoraku-taichou to a battle is beyond me," Nii-sama stated with a softening smile as his younger twin began to bristle. "I can never understand you sometimes, otouto."

Byakuya huffed and crossed his arms. "It's not my fault no one can take me seriously." His frown deepened. "And that werecat always wants me to play with her. As if I have time for games!"

"You should call Shihouhin-taichou by her given title, otouto," Nii-sama stated with faint amusement as Byakuya stared at his incredulously. "She is generously teaching you flash step, after all."

"Someday I'll beat that damn werecat at her game of tag," teenage Byakuya muttered under his breath as Akiya laughed silently. Then suddenly, his laughter disappeared and a solemn expression came on his face.

"I want to fight too."

Byakuya's face turned toward him, a stunned expression on his face as Nii-sama refused to meet his eyes and slowly explained. "I just…want to learn, otouto. I know the reason why Jiisama refused to let me enter the Shinigami Academy." Nii-sama's eyes lowered. "Tousama eventually died because of his decision…but I don't want to be helpless anymore. I want –"

"Nii-sama, of course I will train you." Byakuya turned toward his older twin and could see the pleasant shock and happiness on his face. "Even if it's against the damn rules, I will."

"I have only one request for you, otouto." Nii-sama appeared self-conscious, raising an eyebrow from Byakuya, who nodded for him to continue. "I want to call you by my name, not Nii-sama. I usually say your name when we're alone like this, or when we're in the presence of Jiisama, but –"

Byakuya reached out his hand and held his brother's hand, his older brother's fingers smooth against his hand which had spent seven years mastering the art of holding a sword.

"Okay…Akiya."

The smile of pure happiness on Akiya's face was enough to melt the world away.

"Nii-sama! Nii-sama!" Byakuya's voice echoed throughout the manor as the Kuchiki heir checked the rooms, searching for his older twin. "Nii-sama!"

"What is it, Byakuya?" The teen halted and cursed inwardly as the room he had opened revealed to show a bedridden Akiya with a cool towel over his forehead. "You have disturbed my rest," he added somewhat irritably.

The irritation in Akiya's voice did not deter Byakuya from opening his mouth and shouting,

"I just met my zanpakutou spirit, Nii-sama!"

Akiya immediately sat up. "You did?" His dark grey eyes appeared solemn, although Byakuya was too happy to notice the small detail. "Do know have a shikai then?"

"Hai," Byakuya continued to state breathlessly, his long hair somewhat askew as sweat started to slow from the effort he had committed to. "I have, and I can't wait to see the shocked look of the werecat when she sees this!" A sly grin appeared on his face. "Soon I'll be able to beat her at tog!"

"Didn't she steal your hair tie earlier today though, Byakuya?" Akiya asked quietly as his younger twin blushed indignantly.

"Anyway," Byakuya stated with a serious glance at his ill twin, "I have an elemental-type zanpakutou. It comes in the form of cherry blossoms," Byakuya added more quietly with a contemplative look on his face. "He's a samurai spirt…and name is Senbonzakura."

"Sen…bon…" Akiya whispered, an emotion the mixture of awe and longing in his voice as the image the noblewoman who had died giving birth to them. "…Zakura…" He took a deep breath. "The same name as…Kaasama?"

Byakuya nodded. "Tousama always said that Kaasama would always protect me when I saw the cherry blossoms." A small smile appeared on his face. "It seems that Kaasama…will be wherever I am now. The beautiful petals that I saw…will be her protecting me."

Akiya was quiet, quieter than usual. Byakuya looked at his twin in concern, and found that Akiya was lying down again and his face facing away from him. The room appeared to still.

"Nii-sama?" Byakuya asked. "I thought you would –"

"I am very tired, otouto." Byakuya swallowed, attempting to erase the unknown feeling in his stomach as Akiya dismissed him. Since a year had passed, Byakuya and Akiya had called each other by their names whenever they could. It felt…right to call Nii-sama Akiya, and his older brother always smiled when he heard his name pass from his brother's lips. "I request your leave."

"Hai." Byakuya stated carefully. "Nii-sama..." he added as he walked away from his older twin lying with a washcloth on his forehead.

Akiya was silent.

"You should have known something was wrong that day, otouto."

Byakuya opened his eyes to find his older twin standing before him. His cold dark gray eyes pierced through him, enough to seep through his bleeding wounds. Byakuya felt the fabric of the yukata heavy with blood, and could see the new wounds across his body as the red liquid continued to leak.

A zanpkautou that forces the wounded to relive memories. The memories that tear at the heart, and the wounds increase with every memory that the recipient receives.

"Are you trying to kill me with a broken heart, Akiya?" Byakuya murmured as his older twin surveyed him carefully. "You should know that would not kill me."

"I know, otouto." Akiya's voice was measured and calm. "I was there when you were informed of Shihouhin Yoruichi's exile, and saw of how you attempted to shield the pain by capturing it inside. You never spoke of Shihouhin Yoruichi since that day, and changed from her supposed death. No longer were you quick to anger or easily overcome by emotion. You attempted to hide what you truly felt." Akiya's cold eyes bored into Byakuya's own as the Shinigami remembered of how betrayed and lost he had inwardly felt after Shihouhin Yoruichi had been exiled. It was a childish thought that was stubborn enough to remain. Why did she leave me? Byakuya had forced to be emotionless when he saw his former teacher during Rukia's impending execution. "I considered you dead." That was the truth. It was easier to accept the former taichou of the second division had died…like most of the people he had lost. Even Jiisama had completed his duty as a Shinigami. But seeing Shihouhin Yoruichi alive and aiding the enemy, that almost made Byakuya snap the centuries of the emotionless mask he had kept, but he could not. Otherwise, he was not certain if he could contain the tableland emotions that were caged within him – the grief of Hisana's death half a century past still lingering and her dying words to protect her sister who was to be executed. Byakuya kneeling down by his parents' graves and vowing that he would never break the rules again.

How can I kill another sibling? The thought made his entire being cold, and Byakuya had felt the emotions that he had kept inside – that he was forced to keep inside – rise as a memory of a body with blood pouring out from the wounds and dark gray eyes sightlessly opened echoed in his mind despite what was ordered to him. Byakuya had not directly spoken to his former teacher, not since their "failed" game of tag, and he did not want to.

"You loved Shihouhin Yoruichi, and you were devastated when she was exiled." Byakuya forced himself to not look at his twin's face. "Everyone left you in the end…otouto. I…was the death that almost shattered your entire being," he stated quietly. "But you continued to live, much as what Aizen predicted."

"I do not understand, Akiya." Byakuya whispered. "You were happy to be by my side and proud to be my twin. I do not understand what would cause such a rebellion from you."

"Rebellion?" Now Akiya grinned, and Byakuya forced himself to calm at the feel of the darkness of his aura. "Is that what the elders said? What they told you?" Byakuya didn't respond. Suddenly, Akiya snarled and grabbed his hands around Byakuya's throat before he could respond. "You never understood, did you, Byakuya?" His name came out as a hiss. "I told when we fought. The reason why I did this." His hands released on Byakuya's throat, and the noble began to gasp for breath as a malicious grin framed his face. "My dear otouto…" he murmured with fake affection, "you do not apparently understand what occurred fifty years ago." He leaned his lips to Byakuya's ear. "You still do not understand. I…have always hated you."

"I…refuse to believe that, Akiya." Byakuya rasped as his brother's touch lingered in his mind and his mind recalling the day of finding his twin brother holding the heads of the decapitated elders in his blood-soaked hands. "When we were very young, I remember you reaching out to me…holding me as we slept. Even at two years old, I understood the love we recuperated to each other."

Byakuya found nothing but emptiness in his brother's gaze.

"That was a lie." Byakuya held his brother's gaze steadily. "I only pretended to be close to you to hurt you in the end, Byakuya. I wanted…to erase your existence ever since I remember."

But… The images of when Akiya asked for Byakuya to train him appeared in his mind, the blissful smile haunting him. The gentleness as he held his younger twin as the child cried, and soft and happy laugher that came from him during Byakuya's wedding to Hisana. Of the grief in his eyes when Byakuya told him that their grandfather had died during a mission in Hueco Mundo. Everything… The very first memory of finding his brother across from him as the infant slept, the wide dark gray eyes never leaving him.

Always…together… Images of Byakuya and his twin walking beside each other, a gentle smile across Akiya's lips as he stood be his twin's side. The smiling eyes that always seemed to know what Byakuya was thinking. Always… Byakuya's feet collapsed from underneath him as cold sweat poured from his face, his breathing becoming erratic as images flashed through his mind. No…no…

"I see you finally understand," Akiya whispered as the Shinigami was beginning to have a nervous breakdown. "I have never loved you…otouto. I only saw you as a reason to surpass…a nameless entity to defeat." He crouched down to Byakuya's shaking form and pulled his face towards him. "Similar to your fukutaichou…Renji."

Byakuya's eyes widened at the mention of his vice-captain, and the words echoed in his mind as the memory of Renji's gentle touch surfaced in this living nightmare.

"Ore wa…anata o aishiteru."

"Renji would never betray me," Byakuya stated with certainty as his brother looked at him knowingly. "Renji…has served me faithfully…even though I do not know why someone such as me deserves such devotion." He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly. "He is not a Shinigami who bears hatred in his heart…not anymore."

"He could be trying to get close to you, otouto." Akiya whispered with malice as Byakuya shook his head.

"No. I know where Renji's heart belong now." Byakuya remembered finding Renji asleep at his desk, drool dripping from his mouth and on the sides of the papers. The taichou of the sixth division inwardly smiled, forbidden feelings coursing through his veins as he stared at his sleeping fukutaichou. I wanted to touch him that day. But… Renji still hated him, of that he knew. And so Byakuya woke Renji through his stern voice that he often used with him despite the warm feeling inside of him when he saw Renji's warm brown eyes opening. Renji wa…

"And yet, you were unable to protect him with your own bankai." Byakuya's heart stilled. "You were unable to protect him from the very weapon that you believed was your mother's way of protecting you." Byakuya's heart thudded in his chest at the memory of As Nodt using Senbonzakura, feeling the ribbons of his flesh bleeding, Renji screaming for the enemy to stop, and the feeling of failure as he watched Renji fly through the air, away from him as Senbonzakura shattered. "I saw of how you attempted to protect your vice-captain by telling him that he should watch the enemy's movements, when moments beforehand, you told him to destroy your bankai." Akiya chuckled at the agonized expression his younger twin had on his face, the nightmare occurring in his head. "You had the confidence that he could defeat Senbonzakura, that his fangs could reach you…and yet, you almost died protecting him."

"Why?"

I… Byakuya thought as the memory of Renji echoed in his mind. I…had never considered him weak. I knew he was not. And yet… Byakuya held his breath as the memory of Renji's broken body, so similar to fifty years ago, burned within him. I told him lies. I told him that he was the monkey trying to reach for the moon…when in fact, I had always considered him strong, even before he achieved bankai. I did not want to fight him, Byakuya thought with a hard swallow. I didn't want to fight him and I didn't want to kill him. I did not want his blood on my hands. And yet…I had to. Byakuya could see his brother raise his hand, the cold windows of emptiness in his eyes. I was not able to kill him, and I was within the rights to do so. Renji…broke so many rules, and yet I was unable to kill him…even though I stated to Kurosaki Ichigo that emotions are needless. I was willing to execute Rukia with my own hands…and yet unable to kill my passionate, fierce, and beautiful vice-captain.

I…could not allow his blood to be spilled from my bankai again. I believed, and I still do, that my wounds…my death…was a better fate than to see that bankai kill someone I loved.

Love? Byakuya felt Senbonzakura's voice in his ears as his arm raised. He could see Akiya motionlessly watching the zanpakutou in his twin's hand. Is that what I feel…for Renji?

I told him that I loved him. And he told me that he loved me. …I do not understand.

Wakarainai.

"When my zanpakutou pierces you, it allows me to take control of your movements." Akiya stated as Senbonzakura's cries for his master echoed in Byakuya's mind. "As such, I…can control your mind."

If Renji hates me for what I have done, why did he say that he loved me? I…have my own feelings for him, but Renji…

Master! Senbonzakura screamed.

"Chire…Senbonzakura."

Senbonzakura… Byakuya thought as the countless of blades tore at his body, immeasurable agony exploding through his body, white-hot pain the only reality he could find. Senbonzakura was screaming, his very mind tearing apart as his blades caused a river of red to flow from his master's body. Gomen…nasai…

Soon he wasn't aware of anything. He forgot his name, where he was, and who was screaming. Agony pulsed through his entire being. Blood poured from his gruesome wounds.

Only pain.

He heard laughter in his ears.

Then, darkness.