You, Always
"Renji." The vice-captain looked up from his thoughts and saw that he was walking beside his captain. What caused his eyes to widen however, was the fact that Byakuya was wearing his kimono – the sakura appearing almost like flowers against the pink cloth. The vice-captain had no idea what had compelled him to buy that kimono – until now, as he stared at his captain, who had a serene look on his face. The cold façade was gone, replaced by something that Renji saw as contentment. He continued to stare at his captain, staring at his dark gray eyes, lingering on the peaceful expression on his face, a soft smile almost caressing his lips as his eyes turned to Renji.
"Will you hold my hand this time?" Renji's heart clenched at the sight of his captain – Byakuya, came his immediate thought as his memory resurfaced, thinking of the night before – and stared at the hand held out to him. Byakuya – of how his heart sped up at the sound of hearing his name – was starting to walk away, his lone slim and beautiful hand held out to Renji. The memories of the night before flashed through Renji's mind, remembering the confession underneath the stars, the kisses they had shared with much more that he could not think about right now without a blush coming across his cheeks. Byakuya… Renji thought as he remembered his lips caressing the lips calling out to him now, seeing the unguarded look of love in the Shinigami's dark gray eyes. Renji smiled, almost wanting to laugh from the pure happiness he felt as he stared at his lover when –
He stopped. Behind Byakuya was a figure, his Shinigami robes echoing in Renji's mind as he stared at the cold figure. He looked exactly like Byakuya – the same pale skin and long fingers and the same dark gray eyes – except for the expression on Kuchiki Akiya's face. It was a look of madness. Akiya grinned, the malicious smile causing a dark pool of dread to enter Renji's stomach as he stared at the older brother with barely a breath.
"Renji?" Byakuya appeared to be bewildered, his hand still held out for Renji to grasp it, the red-haired Shinigami staring at the pale and beautiful hand. "What is wrong?"
Suddenly there was laughter. It didn't come from the elder twin. Renji's eyes bulged as his eyes saw the face that haunted his nightmares, the voice causing Renji to inwardly scream and want to kill if he wasn't dead. As Nodt was behind Byakuya, the hands creeping around the Shinigami's throat – causing a strangled scream to come out of Renji's throat.
"'Byakuya!" Renji screamed. He could sense As Nodt's smirk as the Quincy stared at the Shinigami.
"Your fear is simple, Renji." His heart stopped at the sight of wounds, gruesome wounds that would always bleed, starting to appear on Byakuya's body. It was the battle against As Nodt over again as the blood continued to seep as Renji took a desperate step forward. He had no other thoughts as he relived that day, seeing his captain fall, the screams in Renji's throat wanting to break free as Akiya suddenly spoke.
"Your heart will not help you now."
Byakuya's hand was now coated in blood, the droplets falling onto the ground as his captain fell, his dead, empty eyes staring at Renji as the dark liquid continued to seep.
That was when Renji started to scream.
"Byakuya…" Renji's haorse whisper echoed in the Hueco Mundo landscape as he opened his agonized brown eyes. He could feel the cold wind across his face, stilling the tears wanting to pour out of his eyes. His hand was held out reaching for the sky, seeing the dark night as Renji's heart continued to pound painfully. It was like the Shinigami was reaching for something…something beyond his reach. The red-haired Shinigami's heart clenched at the nightmare echoed in his mind – the images of two enemies that haunted Renji's dreams. The Shinigami stood, his mind not focusing on what he was doing as the nightmare continued to echo in his mind. It's not the first time… Renji thought as his feet shuffled forward.
He had never told anyone about the nightmares. Renji had not told anyone of how he had dreamed of his captain lying in a pool of his own blood, calling out to his zanpakutou as Renji watched helplessly as he died. The nightmares were often reliving the battle, seeing his captain bleed and his zanpakutou used against him as he protected Renji – Renji screaming for it to stop. The red-haired Shinigami had never told anyone about this, of how he awoke to find his captain's name on his lips, his limbs shaking as the vice-captain attempted to control the living nightmare in his mind. The dreams started to become something else – especially after he had almost died against the second-in-command Quincy, the images never leaving him alone as he heard again and again of Senbonzakura shattering into little tiny pieces. There were times when Renji awoke to vomit against his throat, or a scream shattering his vocal cords as he forced himself not to scream. Sweat – cold sweat that Renji had never experienced – bathed across his body, the image of his captain's body burning. Why does it hurt so much? Renji thought as he trained, sweat trickling along his brow. Why does it feel that I…failed at everything I cared about when I see my captain lying so still?
"Another nightmare?" Renji looked to find Yoruichi across from him, a pensive expression across her face as the former Shinigami stared at him. Renji opened his mouth to protest, but Yoruichi beat him to it. "I know what it feels wake as if you were dying, Renji."
"How?" Renji turned to find Ichigo standing beside her, his brown eyes confused as he stared at her. Yoruichi didn't respond, her eyes becoming somber as she stared at the red-haired Shinigami.
"Byakuya loves you, Renji." Renji stiffened, not expecting such words from Yoruichi. His heart continued to pound rapidly as he observed the calm face that Yoruichi had. "And you love him. Do you know why I know that?"
Renji shook his head as the others – Ichigo and Rukia standing side by side, Hitsugaya staring at the sky and yet his head tilted toward the conversation as Zaraki-taichou grinning – as Yoruichi started to speak.
"No one knows the significance of the name behind Byakuya's zanpakutou. Senbonzakura…" Yoruichi whispered, closing her eyes for a minute before smiling ever so softy. "Her name was Sakura too."
"Wait." Ichigo turned toward Yoruichi, his eyes wide. "Are you talking about Byakuya's mother?"
"Yes." There was a slight tension in Yoruichi's reply, and a brief clouded look a grief appeared in her eyes before she turned to Renji. "Imagine my surprise when I found out his zanpakutou was named Senbonzakura," she stated with faint laughter. "Byakuya is more sentimental than most of you know, and I think…that he saw his zanpakutou as his mother protecting him, through the cherry blossoms they both loved."
"What do flowers have to do with anything?" Zaraki-taichou asked impatiently.
"Everything," Yoruichi stated without a look at him. She stared into Renji's wide eyes. "Byakuya protected you until he almost died, against his own zanpakutou. I think…" Yoruichi's voice faded as Renji thought about what he had just heard. His mother protecting him, huh? He had seen – before his eyes had been open to the truth – of how much care Byakuya had put into his zanpakutou. It's the only thing he likes, Renji had once thought angrily as he remembered of how the captain had rebuked and dismissed his unseated officers without remorse, his dark gray eyes again glancing at his zanpakutou as he ignored the protests from Renji and the other officers. Byakuya never appeared not in harmony with his zanpakutou – unlike with Renji, and there was something…interesting of how Byakuya deeply cared for Senbonzakura. He didn't want me to get hurt from those blades…not only because it would be too painful…but also because the petals meant to protect him would harm something that he…cared about. Renji almost said love, but the word caught in his throat. It felt painful to even think, the nightmares of blood burning in his mind as he remembered holding his taichou, shouting for him to wake. I…
"Byakuya's mother wore the same material of the heirloom of the Kuchiki clan in her hair." Yoruichi's words echoed in Renji's head. "It was given to her by her husband, Byakuya's father. A symbol of their love for each other." A saddened gaze echoed across Yoruichi's face as she spoke to Renji directly. "I know that Byakuya covered you with his scarf after your battle Renji. In fact, I considered teasing him about it for weeks on end until I realized what it meant." There was a pause. "It was his confession to you, Renji. Telling you that he loved you."
"W-what do you mean?" Renji rasped. Despite himself, his skin remembered the feel of Byakuya's scarf against his bleeding body. His thoughts were of when he had let Rukia go, her agony now a scar that he carried as he remembered her violet eyes dark with pain as she ran past him. He hadn't known at the time that Byakuya's scarf was against his body. Renji could only remember faintly of how soft and warm he felt, almost as if someone was embracing him. He had awoken later to find himself in the fourth division, bandages covering his torso as Hanatarou came in, flustered and skittish as he handed the white material into Renji's hands before running away as quickly as he could. The red-haired Shinigami remembered of how he stared at the scarf in shock, thinking that his taichou would actually manage to kill him this time if he knew that his scarf was in the possession of his betrayed vice-captain. Then, he had realized as his hands subconsciously stroked the scarf, that his taichou had put his scarf around his body following his defeat. What does that mean? Renji had thought. Why did he do that? Renji didn't say a word as he pulled the scarf out of his Shinigami uniform, his hands tied around the soft material as he handed it back to his taichou. For a moment, Renji thought he saw something cross his taichou's eyes as the raven-haired Shinigami was given back his scarf, but he said nothing as the material was lied across his lap.
It had been the first time that Renji had seen his captain without any symbols of nobility. And for some reason, Renji found himself liking this side of his captain. He was…different to me, at that time. I started to see…of how human he was, and when he told me that I probably wished him dead…that was farther from the truth. Renji sighed and glanced at Yoruichi, the emotions in his head becoming more and more undone as the memories of his taichou threatened to overwhelm him.
"Why me?" he shouted. "Why does he care so much for me…and why…" Renji swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. "Why didn't he tell me sooner?" he rasped.
"He was afraid." Renji and the others stared in shock as Hitsugaya spoke, the captain of the tenth division not looking at them. The captain appeared tense, his hands clenched into fists and his body stiff. "I…know what if feels to be afraid." He turned toward them, and Renji was shocked to find the young Shinigami's eyes, normally so cautious and closed off, appeared so…raw. He licked his lips, and didn't move as he began to speak sparingly. "I was almost killed in the war, before Mayuri found me and brought me back to life again." He sighed, coming deep within his chest. "But, that came at a cost. I suppose some of you have noticed I have not been myself…since the war." Absent-mindedly, Renji nodded as Yoruichi watched with sympathy in her eyes. "My life-span was cut in half, and I only have fifty years to life until I will be assigned a mission that will result in my death." Hitsugaya spoke calmly, his voice without fear and sadness. Ichigo tried to speak, his eyes impossibly wide and his hands shaking as he tried to tell Hitsugaya that there must be another way. The snow-haired Shinigami shook his head. "Mayuri told me that there is nothing I can do, and so I –"
"But Hinamori!" Renji shouted. Hitsugaya's eyes turned toward Renji's. "What about Hinamori! You can't do this to her!"
Hitsugaya didn't respond for a moment as Renji continued to look at him with anger in his eyes. "I was afraid to tell her, so I didn't say a word," he replied quietly. Renji's mouth closed as he heard the mournful tone in the young captain's voice. "I was…afraid of what would happen if she rejected my feelings, and my own feelings towards her that I didn't say it."
"Say what?" Renji asked even though the pounding in his heart told him the answer.
"To say I love her," Hitsugaya whispered. He turned, and his expression turned solemn as his eyes bored into Renji's own. "Kuchiki-taichou was afraid of saying those words to you because he believed you wouldn't feel the same way." All along, Renji thought as he remembered countless times of working with his captain with paperwork or training their division. The fight against As Nodt, and Renji hearing his captain shout and tell him to stay back. All along, you felt this way. "I know now what I must do," Hitsugaya whispered into the wind. "Matsumoto herself told me to stop being afraid and just live. At the time, I didn't know what to say, because she too will meet the same end as myself. She said she was…happy, that she was looking forward to seeing Ichimaru again. Gin…" he whispered.
Renji's heart lurched at the mention that Matsumoto was going to die in fifty years, just like her captain. The red-haired Shinigami swallowed, in vain trying to keep out the agony in his chest.
"I want to spend my last decades of life with Hinamori by my side, something of which I believe you can relate to, Abarai-fukutaichou."
I can, Renji thought as he thought of the time when he held Byakuya in his arms, the kiss they had shared running through his mind. I can understand why… He thought of the dream that turned into a nightmare, remembering Byakuya wearing his kimono and holding out his hand.
"It was always Kuchiki-taichou, wasn't it, Abarai-fukutaichou?"
"He definitely could have killed you, Renji." The vice-captain's breath hitched as he remembered Ichigo's words as the captain of the eighth division stared at the Shinigami staring blankly at the Hueco Mundo night sky with nightmares still on his mind. "I remember when I fought him, and of how I shit myself at the sight of that bankai. The final form." A frown formed on the former substitute Shinigami's face as he ran his hands through his orange hair. "It was so frightening…and I remember when he told me that I was the second one to see it. If you truly had meant to kill you, Renji, he could have easily used that technique. But no." Ichigo's brown eyes observed Renji's shocked face. "It wasn't because he thought you weren't worthy of seeing that form. Hell, he called me a disgrace of whatever for having a bankai as he stated that he had defeated a captain-level Shinigami."
"He was talking about you, Renji." Renji looked at Rukia, who was half-smiling at him. Sadness appeared in her eyes, and Renji had no idea why until she said, "I never heard him say such a compliment to anyone before I was almost executed…and I'm starting to understand what Yoruichi-san said."
"It's just that…" Ichigo sighed and turned to both Renji and Rukia. "Back when you said that you kissed, Renji, I was skeptical. He tried to kill you…at least that's what I thought until I remembered about his answer to my questions."
"What question?" Renji asked.
"I asked him of how he could kill his own sister," Ichigo replied with a gentle look at Rukia. "And he told me that as head of one of the four noble houses of Soul Society, emotions had no meaning. The laws ruled over everything. Family did not matter. He couldn't kill you, Renji, even though you fought him and likely would have been tried for treason." Renji swallowed, Ichigo's gaze never leaving his as the memories of their fight echoed in his mind again. "He was almost able to kill Rukia, his sister, who he knew for fifty years, and yet…he did not kill you. His vice-captain who had only been in his division for only a little while. And then there's the scarf thing." Ichigo sighed and almost grinned at Renji's stunned expression. "It makes sense."
"Watshi mo…watashi mo anata o aishiteru…"
Renji suddenly stilled. He couldn't understand, but he felt Zabimaru's anxiety, tearing inside him, pain coursing in waves as he suddenly found himself in his inner world. The world was different, Renji immediately noted as he stared at the scenes. Instead of simply being a pool of water with ripples, there were sakura petals floating on the water. Renji inhaled the scent of the sakura, almost feeling the blossoms against his skin as he remembered the countless sakura trees in Byakuya's manor. They were so beautiful, Renji thought, but before he could continue, a sharp gasp came from him as Zabimaru hurled himself at his chest.
His eyes were red. Renji could almost feel the rage seeping from the baboon as his twin tails twitched.
"Can't you hear it, fool?" Zabimaru screamed.
"Hear…what?" Renji rasped, cursing himself again for having such an obnoxious zanpakutou spirit.
"You're useless!" Howled the baboon. His red eyes bored into Renji's own, causing the supposed master to flinch. "Can't you hear Senbonzakura?"
His heart shuddering, Renji gulped and listened. He couldn't hear anything expect for Zabimaru's rasping breathing. Then, the vice-captain of the sixth division heard.
Screaming. Renji recoiled in horror as the blood-curling screams became louder and louder. His heartbeat rapidly becoming too fast too quickly, Renji could his captain's zanpakutou's spirit for the first time. Senbon…zakura… The samurai was bathed in blood. The majestic armor that he wore was coated in blood, the dark clothes soaking in the substance. His mask was completely cracked, blood running down his thin face, and his dark eyes drowning in agony as blood continued to seep from his wounds. "Master!" he cried. Renji couldn't look away as tears started to trail down his cheeks, clearing away the blood dripping onto the floor. "Master!" A scream – a horrible, ghastly scream – tore from Senbonzakura as more wounds became visible. "Master!"
"MASTER!"
Renji gasped, his entire body on fire as his wide eyes opened. He could vaguely see the others stare at him in concern, but he paid them no mind. His thoughts were on Byakuya. If there is enough damage, then the pain of the Shinigami is reflected on the zanpakutou spirit. Renji bit his lips until his teeth came away with blood. I have to go now! Renji began to run.
"Renji!" He could hear Rukia's voice through the cold air as the group began to chase after him. "What the hell is going on?"
"Senbonzakura is screaming!" Renji shouted without a look at Rukia's stunned face. "We have to save Byakuya now!" If he was coherent, Renji would have noted that his reiatsu was dangerously out of control. It was dense pressure, coming out in uncontrollable waves. Renji's hands were shaking, his entire being tense. "We have to save Byakuya!"
"Renji!" A large Hollow appeared before them, the sand underneath exploding as the lost soul began to come towards them. Renji growled, Zabimaru immediately coming into its unsealed state.
"Get out of my way, you freak!" Renji screamed. "Nothing will stop me from saving him!" The Shinigami bared his teeth as he shouted,"Howl, Sōsō Zabimaru!"
The Hollow was immediately defeated. Renji didn't waste time sealing Zabimaru again, hearing again and again Senbonzakura's agonized screams. Byakuya…! Renji fought to not see the memories in his mind, seeing Byakuya's blood on the ground as the zanpakutou continued to slice him. I won't live through that nightmare again! Renji roared, seeing a hoard of Hollows appear in front of his eyes. You won't take him away from me!
"Ignite…" Renji heard the faint whisper in Hueco Mundo as the reiatsu suddenly appeared. He felt himself trying to breathe through the dense spiritual pressure, feeling the heat come into his body as the Hollows suddenly growled and focused their attention elsewhere. "Kuroki no Honou no Byakushi!"
Byaku...shi? Renji thought vaguely as he witnessed the Hollows howl as a great blue flame, the form of a white lion, engulfed them, causing their spirits to fade away. The flames continued to burn, the blue flames licking at the sand. There was a figure standing where the Hollows were, and the dust started to clear.
Renji and the others collectively gasped, their eyes impossibly large as they recognized the figure who had saved them.
She was barefoot, and wore a long black coat over her body. Her face had lost the permanent blush across her cheeks, and her hair was longer now. She looked no longer a child, but a young teenager. She held onto her zanpakutou – long and silver with a normal hilt – with ease, and her brown eyes surveyed her former comrades.
"Ya…chiru?" It was Zaraki-taichou who spoke first. For the first time, he appeared to be at lost for words, only able to stare at his vice-captain and adopted daughter.
The figure smiled, and Renji's heart clenched. How long ago was it that he had seen the little girl smile? She used to… Then, Renji's thoughts faded as she spoke.
"Hello, Ken-chan." Her voice had changed. It was…almost like a bell, no longer wanting for him to cringe. "I am sorry you thought I was dead."
"Dead?" Ichigo yelled. The former substitute Shinigami's face morphed in rage. "How could you do this to us? Huh? Every goddamn one of us thought you were dead! Kenpachi found it very hard to give your shitty vice-captain badge to Ikkaku, you damn little shit!"
Yachiru didn't giggle, nor did she smile. Her face turned sad, and she looked into Ichigo's betrayed and enraged expression. "I don't expect you to understand, Ichigo." The orange-haired Shinigami recoiled as if slapped, no longer hearing the nickname that Yachiru had given him when he had first fought Kenpachi. "When Ken-chan was fighting that Quincy, I realized that it my fault that he had to come save me again. I had to…stop depending on him, and acting like a child."
"What are you saying, Yachiru?" Renji yelled, his mind flashing back to the giggling little girl on Zaraki-taichou's shoulder. "How many times have you beat my ass and all the other asses that came into the eleventh division? It doesn't matter –!"
"It mattered to me!" Yachiru stared, her eyes flashing. She behaved so much like Byakuya that Renji had to step back. "I came here to become stronger," the pink-haired teen stated more calmly, her eyes searching in Zaraki-taichou's eyes. "Not because of you, or anyone. I did it for myself. I wanted to grow strong so no one would have to protect me. Fighting Hollows and getting wounded…helped me become less of a burden, and I even gained my own zanpakutou. The other one," Yachiru stated as Renji remembered seeing the little girl hold a different zanpakutou like it was a toy, "was not originally mine. Urahara-san gave me this," she stated as she pointed to the black cloak, "so that no one could sense my reiatsu."
"I suppose it would make sense if Urahara knew this," Ichigo growled. He stared at Yachiru, noting of her longer pink hair and thin face. "But you hurt Byakuya too, damn it, and he had enough to deal with!"
Now Yachiru looked somewhat ashamed. "I know," she stated. For a moment, it appeared that she wouldn't speak. "Byakushi was the only friend I had when I was a Shinigami. He actually accepted me for who I was and didn't attempt to chase me away or was annoyed by me." A small, hesitant smile appeared on Yachiru's face. "I was hurt very much when Byakushi and Ken-chan were injured by the Quincies, and after Ken-chan battled the other one…I thought it was time that I grew up."
"Is that why your zanpakutou is called Honou no Byakushi?" Renji asked. He could hear Rukia sigh exasperatedly at him.
Suddenly Yachiru began to laugh. It was so unexpected that Renji could only stare as the now-teen began to laugh as tears came to her eyes.
"You're funny, Renji." A large smiled framed her face. "Byakushi is my friend, nothing more, silly! My zanpakutou's Byakushi means white lion!" Despite his blushing, Yachiru continued to smile.
"Kusajishi…fukutaichou,"' Hitsugaya stated with a look at the female Shinigami. "Are you able to aid us in the rescue mission?"
"Yep!" Renji and Ichigo sweat-dropped, but a look for Hitsugaya made them start to run again toward the place where Byakuya was held.
Akiya held his brother's neck by his hand. He stared coldly at the broken and bleeding figure. So weak… Akiya thought as he stared at his twin's almost closed dark gray eyes. Blood was still flowing from his wounds. I forced himself to wound himself from Senbonzakura three times, and he's already almost dead. A pool of blood was formed where they both were, the younger Shinigami barely breathing as Akiya stared at his brother. His entire body was covered with blood. The wounds he had received from As Nodt were nothing compared to now, large gaping holes where his flesh used to be, and his long hair coated with the red substance. Only the faint rise of his younger brother's chest did Akiya know that he was alive.
"Nii-sama!" Akiya remembered of how the Shinigami before him adored him. Even when he began to grow with a hot temper, the small child who cried in his beloved older brother's arms remained. Akiya had spoken the truth. He had always hated his little brother. Ever since he could remember, there was hatred seeping inside him every time he saw that smiling face. Akiya didn't start to hate him when their fool of a grandfather died. No…he had been born with it. He had lied to his brother, pretending to love him, when in fact he loathed his very existence.
You had no idea what to do, did you? When I told you those words. Pathetic was the word Akiya would describe his younger twin, remembering too of how his expression had changed during their battle that had almost caused his death at those words that had been spoken.
"After you, I will destroy all of Soul Society."
"Even when I told you that I was going to destroy all of Soul Society," Akiya whispered to his barely conscious brother, "you couldn't kill me. You couldn't bear to kill the person closest to you." His hand squeezed around his brother's throat. "And you were also weak enough to fall to that Quincy." Akiya leaned into his brother's ear and whispered. "You were…ashamed, cried at the realization that you could not protect your squad yet again. That you could not protect anything yet again. Like the other time…Byakuya." His brother had been devastated by their grandfather's death and the annihilation of almost the entire squad. There were times when the cold façade would break, and Akiya could hear his brother's cries, quiet enough so that only he could hear. "You couldn't protect anyone that night, nor that day…especially your precious Renji." At the sound of that name, Akiya could see his younger twin begin to struggle, his eyes opening wide and trying to pull free.
Akiya released his hand and let him fall.
"Byakuya!" Akiya looked, his eyes following the figure running towards to his brother.
"Byakuya!"