Let's Try That Again
"Trixie, there ain't no such thang as ninjas."
"But Trixie saw them!" Trixie insisted. "They were very stealthy, but Trixie's mastery of illusion and legerdemain allowed her to see through the deception. Trixie knew that they were up to no good and that it was her duty to see to the safety of the Apple family and so she spent the entire evening investigating. And that is why Trixie was unable to finish her chores."
Appleseed stared at Trixie. Trixie lifted her head proudly as she finished explaining how she had put the Apple family's welfare first. Finally Appleseed said in a deadpan voice, "And this didn't have nothing to do with Big Macintosh doing his calisthenics down by the waterhole?"
"Trixie did not even know Big Macintosh was there until Trixie was in the tree with her binoculars and the camera," Trixie assured her.
Appleseed sighed. "Look Trixie, you ain't the first mare to go all gaga over mah brother. Usually it just washes off his back. But you done pissed him off something fierce with the way you treated us. And between you and me, sugarcube? That ain't easy to do."
"But Trixie said she was very sorry!" Trixie wailed.
Appleseed snorted. "And is that gonna make the pictures of Fluttershy in dem socks and dat saddle vanish from the tabloids over in Manehattan?"
Trixie blinked. "Trixie did not take any pictures!" she protested. "Trixie had the real thing!"
Appleseed rolled her eyes. "Trixie, Ah get that you ain't real big on payin' attention to ponies that ain't you, but lemme try and walk you through this one. Fluttershy is a right pretty mare. She used to be a super famous model. There are ponies in Ponyville who know that and have cameras. You weren't keeping track who was around while you were making her dance because you were crazier than usual from playing Queen Sombra with the amulet. Don'tcha think that somepony might have taken the chance to snap a few candids so they could sell em later? Ain't like folks round these parts aren't used to crazy thangs happening and then blowin' over."
Trixie took that in. "But...if that were true why wouldn't these voyeurs have focused their attention on Trixie and Trixie's magnificent flank?"
Appleseed face-hoofed. "Trixie, I'm gonna try to explain this real simple. Fluttershy is more famous than you and she has a whole lot more fans."
"That's impossible!" Trixie blurted indignantly.
"Oh really?" Appleseed said dryly. "How many times have you saved Equestria."
Trixie started to say something then stopped. After a moment's thought she said, "Define 'saved Equestria."
Appleseed gave Trixie a look.
"The filly was very grateful to have Trixie performing at her cutecenaera and nopony else could have served as entertainment on such short notice!" Trixie said defensively.
"Right," Appleseed said. She looked like she was working very hard not to roll her eyes. "I'ma interpret that as 'not very many."
"But Trixie is also famous!" Trixie insisted. "Very famous!"
"How often have advertisements with yer face been plastered on billboards and flown around by pegasi?"
Trixie started to say something. Appleseed cut her off.
"Without you putting them there."
That stopped whatever Trixie was going to say. Appleseed continued.
"You been in a lotta fancy magazines?"
Trixie brightened. "Technically?"
Appleseed groaned for some reason. "Never mind. Ah don't wanna know."
"But Trixie's flank was rated-"
"Ah said Ah don't want to know," Appleseed said firmly. "Ah hear enough about that sorta thang when some of Applebloom's classmates get it into their heads to come spy on me when Ah'm bucking apples."
Trixie looked puzzled. "Why would anypony want to...oooh."
Appleseed held a hoof to her brow and rubbed the center of her forehead. She looked tired. Anyway, that don't have nothing to do with you not getting your chores done because you was off leering at mah brother."
"But Trixie had to protect Big Macintosh from the ninjas while he was vulnerable!" Trixie pleaded.
"Trixie, just...gah." Appleseed said before shaking her head and walking off. "Just get em done tomorrow, alright? You do remember this is supposed to be a punishment, don'tcha?"
"Trixie feels that she has grown close to the Apple family and that their relationship has grown past its troubled beginning," Trixie said airily.
Appleseed's expression could have been framed and hung in a museum exhibit called "skeptical."
"Trixie, how many Apples live on Sweet Apple Acres?"
Trixie sniffed. "Four, obviously."
Appleseed looked mildly impressed, so Trixie continued. "There is Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom, Appleseed and...the pegasus who is always sleeping in the trees. So four, and the cook."
"The cook?"
"Yes, the old green one hired to do cooking and laundry," Trixie explained.
Appleseed planted her face onto her hoof again. This time the impact was audible and louder than the groan. Trixie looked confused.
"What?"
"Trixie...never mind. Just get cleaned up and come have dinner."
Trixie nodded and smiled, clearly pleased to have finally won her warden over. "Trixie will do so."
†
"Ah'm just saying if he rode her a few times and gave her what she wants she might quiet down some!"
"Granny Smith, that's just terrible!" Applejack said aghast.
Granny Smith cackled wheezily. "Land's sakes filly, how you grew up such a prude I never will understand. Why if I was your age I'd be up in that shower along with that there unicorn missy right this moment!"
"Granny Smith!" Applejack exclaimed, blushing almost as red as her brother sitting next to her. And he had one hay of a head start.
"Ah'm just saying AJ, there's something to be said for being the strong one and Ah ain't never known a colt or filly that didn't come around to earth pony loving after they tried it. Why back in the day whenever ponies came in from Canterlot for the Spring market I never went back to the farm without a heap of bits and some unicorn to float them for me. I remember one who had this pegasus friend and—"
"Can we please not talk about this with Apple Bloom at the table?" Applejack half begged. "Or at the table at all?"
"Oh fiddle sticks," Granny Smith muttered as she returned her attention to her meal.
"Don't listen to Appleseed, Granny Smith," Trixie said from her seat next to Big Macintosh. "Trixie was enjoying Granny Smith's stories about Ponyville's early days."
Applejack pointed an accusing hoof at their guest worker. "Not another word outta you," she said warningly. Bad enough I have to hear it coming from my own family."
Trixie tsked. "But Granny Smith is correct!" she said, leaning to one side and rubbing her cheek shamelessly against Big Macintosh's barrel as she did. "Trixie has never had cause to regret spending time with an earth pony's strong forehooves wrapped—"
"WE'RE APPLES FOREVER, APPLES TOGETHER! WE'RE FAMILY BUT SO MUCH MORE!" Applejack sang very loudly as she clapped her hooves over her ears.
"Big Macintosh, is Trixie your very special somepony now?" Apple Bloom asked curiously.
"Nope," Big Macintosh said. The statement seemed to take the wind out of Trixie's sails. She straightened in her seat and began absently picking at her food. Granny Smith noted the exchange with disapproval.
"Big Macintosh, you were raised with better manners than that!" she scolded. "Making a nice filly all sad like that. That ain't how we Apples treat a guest!"
"But Granny Smith," Big Macintosh protested.
"But nothing!" Granny Smith said severely. "Now you apologize right now."
Applejack started to say something but a glare from the Apple patriarch put paid to that. Big Macintosh squirmed in his seat before finally saying, "Ah'm sorry for hurting your feelings, Miss Trixie."
Granny Smith made an approving sound and settled back into her chair. "That's better. Miss Trixie?"
"Trixie accepts Big Macintosh's apology," Trixie said with a slight tremor in her voice. "Trixie should not have been so arrogant as to think she had a chance with a pony as wonderful as Big Macintosh. Trixie is alright."
The last bit was said in a tone that left no doubt in anypony's mind that Trixie was not, in fact, alright. The atmosphere somehow became even more awkward than it had been when Trixie had recited her poem about Big Macintosh's flank earlier. Silence reigned.
"So," Applejack said, clearly desperate to talk about something else. "Apple Bloom, how're your lessons with Twilight going?"
"They're going pretty well," Apple Bloom said through a full mouth. The filly had evidently elected to ignore the growing drama in favor of digging into the mountain of food on the plate in front of her. "Twilight says I'm almost ready to start using earth pony magic on the farm with proper supervision, and Scootaloo finished making a new scooter from scratch and is trying to think of something bigger for her next project."
Trixie perked up. "Apple Bloom is studying alchemy at her age?"
Everypony turned and stared at Trixie in disbelief. She looked back and forth between them. "What?"
Applejack was the first to find her voice. "Just surprised is all. Don't normally expect an unicorn to know bout that sorta thang off the top of her head."
"Trixie knows things!" Trixie said indignantly. "Many things!"
"Just ain't something most unicorns care about, Miss Trixie. That Twilight filly was askin' me a whole bunch of questions about the thises and thats of making Zap Apple jam awhile back and fore that no city slicker pony done bothered. It's like they think plants just grow out of the ground on their own."
Everypony had a good chuckle at that idea. Once it died down a bit Trixie had relaxed a bit.
"Trixie took a year long course on alchemy when she was in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and studied the works of many of the great earth pony scholars," Trixie said proudly. "Trixie might not have earned her cutie mark otherwise."
Applejack raised an eyebrow at that. "I thought your special talent was supposed to be magic?"
"Eyup," Big Macintosh agreed.
"Trixie's special talent is applied magic," Trixie said, a bit of her usual haughtiness creeping back into her voice as she talked about her favorite topic: Trixie and how amazing she was. "Anypony can learn one or two spells and read books about theory. Trixie awed her teachers and fellow students by finding new and spectacular ways to use and combine spells for the enjoyment of all."
"Huh," Applejack said. She sounded genuinely interested.
"Yes, Trixie was beloved by all in her school days," Trixie continued. "Until Princess Celestia's personal student grew jealous of Trixie's talent and popularity and conspired to sabotage Trixie's reputation using slander and dirty tricks."
That killed the moment instantly. "Now see here," Applejack said angrily. "Ah don't want to hear another lying word against mah friend Twilight. That there filly is a better pony than you'll—"
"Applejack!" Granny Smith scolded. "Mind your manners and let our guest here finish!"
Applejack scowled and rose from her seat. "Excuse me Granny Smith, but Ah have a few more chores to take care of before I turn in for the night."
With that, she stormed out, ignoring Granny Smith's protests and Trixie's confused look. The screen door shut behind her loudly and Trixie looked at the remaining Apples curiously.
"When did Trixie mention Twilight Sparkle?"
†
"Danged donkey fart prima donna of an unicorn," Applejack grumbled as she hauled the bucket up the well. The bucket banged against the sides of the well and Applejack grumbled some more as she heard water slop out and render the effort that much more pointless. She had grumbled her way into a fine state by the time the storm clouds began to circle and gather. Which was why she didn't notice the incipient twister until her hooves began to lift off the ground.
"Woah Nelly!" Applejack cried as she grabbed for the well pump with her mouth and missed with an audible clack. Her legs flailed uselessly for purchase and her last thought before the vertigo took over was that this had to happen the one time she went out of doors without her lasso.
Applejack came to as her hooves touched solid ground again. She landed with surprising delicacy, as if the wind was taking care to put her down gently. None of which stopped her from stumbling about drunkenly for a few steps before falling flat. She stubbornly tried to rise despite the spinning, prompting her to make a horking sound and decide to lay back down and concentrate on not vomiting up Granny Smith's nice home cooked meal. Which is why it took three tries before she realized somepony was talking to her and looked up.
"GREETINGS, FAIR APPLEJACK!" Princess Luna boomed. She looked annoyed, though Applejack was too busy stopping her hat from flying away to pay much attention to that. Luna huffed slightly at the lack of attention, clearly unused to ponies taking so long to notice she was talking to them.
Once her hat was secured and Applejack was reasonably sure she could stand without emptying her stomach she replied cautiously, "Princess Luna? Uh...howdy?"
"FAITHFUL APPLEJACK, WE MUST NEEDS SPEAK TO YOU OF A MATTER OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE AND DELICACY!"
"Uhh, alrighty then," Applejack said uncertainly. "What can Ah do you for?"
Luna struck a regal pose, looking just past Applejack to stare ominously into the night sky behind her. Applejack waited several seconds and was about to ask again when Luna spoke again, this time in a more bearable volume.
"Word has reached Our ears that some dark agency has set about to spread vile treasons and calumnies with regards to Our name and that of Our sister."
Luna paused and regarded Applejack directly again. She was clearly expecting a response. Applejack fumbled for an appropriate one.
"Well...shoot Princess, that's just plain terrible."
Luna nodded in satisfaction. "Verily."
Neither pony said anything. The silence stretched uncomfortably again.
"So," Applejack prompted, "What were these calumnies?"
"We cannot tell thee, dear Applejack."
Luna stared at Applejack. Applejack forced a smile.
"Okay then," she said, drawing out the first word. "So why're you tellin' me this?"
"Because you must assist us in finding the parties responsible a halt the spread of their slanders," Luna said immediately.
Applejack blinked. "Without you tellin' me what they're saying."
"Indeed," Luna said.
"Okay then," Applejack said slowly and carefully. "So any idea who's doin' it?"
"Not in the slightest," Luna said in a tone of frustration.
"So lemme get this straight. You don't know who you're looking for and you can't tell me what exactly you're looking for and you want me to help find em?"
"An excellent summary, fair Applejack," Luna confirmed.
"And how am Ah supposed to do that?" Applejack asked, exasperated.
Luna laughed heartily, "Oh dear Applejack, thou are such a silly pony. Is it not obvious?"
"Nope," Applejack said, deadpan.
Luna shook her head in disappointment. "Our agents are in the process of investigation. You must simply answer one question."
"Alright then," Applejack said. "What is it?"
"Do you know what We are talking about or who is responsible for the talk We have described?"
"...No."
"Excellent!" Luna said, rising off the ground as she did so. She pointed a forehoof downward. "That is all We require. We charge thee to say naught of this to anypony. Fare thee well, Applejack!"
With that Luna shifted into a cloud of darkly sparkling smoke that vanished from sight in the blink of an eye. Applejack stared at the spot where she had been, thoroughly confused.
"What in the hay?"
The words echoed slightly.
"...AND HOW AM AH SUPPOSED TO GET BACK HOME?!"