Revolution
"Y'all are pretty good at this, Miss Trixie," Big Macintosh admitted as he inspected the repairs to the Cutie Mark Crusaders' clubhouse.
Trixie smirked and twirled the little hammer with her magic. "Trixie was hardly going to pay somepony else to maintain Trixie's wagon. Of course Trixie would become every bit as handy at carpentry as Trixie is at everything else!"
"Handy?" Big Macintosh rumbled quizzically.
"You know…handy? Like a minotaur or jackalwere's front hooves?" Trixie explained.
"Jackalwere?" Big Macintosh asked, now even more confused.
"Like Ahuizotl in Daring Do," Trixie elaborated.
"That's what that was?" Big Macintosh asked.
"Eyup," Trixie said.
Big Macintosh couldn't help it. He laughed. Trixie joined in. It felt good. Eventually Big Macintosh settled down and said, "Thank you kindly for your help, Miss Trixie. AJ and I didn't feel right letting Apple Bloom and her little friends take on this job."
"Twern't nothing," Trixie said, continuing the joke with her impersonation of an Apple family accent. "Trixie was just doing mah job."
Big Macintosh snorted, trying and failing to keep another laugh in. Trixie watched appreciatively as the big stallion shook with mirth. Finally he wiped the tears from his sudden snicker fit away and said, "Now that's just—"
Big Macintosh's sentence cut off as he hiccuped. Trixie grinned in turn when she realized what was happening. Big Macintosh tried to fix her with a gimlet stare, but his heart clearly wasn't in it. Instead he chuckled again and said, "Reckon we'd best head back—"
Trixie smirked as another hiccup interrupted Big Macintosh. "Fear not," she said loftily as she started back toward the farm. "Trixie is also an Equestria renowned mind reader and knows well the direction of Big Macintosh's thoughts!"
Big Macintosh started to say something, but Trixie cut him off by brushing her tail ever so lightly across the bottom of his chin and muzzle as she walked past. Big Macintosh flushed hard at that.
"Big Mac! Miss Trixie!"
Big Macintosh whipped his head to see his youngest sister come stumbling out of the trees. His embarrassment and involuntary interest in the swaying of Trixie's flank were both instantly forgotten as he took off at a trot. He reached Apple Bloom just in time to save her from a fall that would have left her flat on her face if he hadn't caught her. He patted her back with one hoof and scanned her for injuries as she gathered her breath and wits.
"Big Mac!" Apple Bloom shouted again once she regained her senses. "The guards are at the farm and they arrested Applejack!"
Big Macintosh's eyes widened but his voice was calm. "Tell me everything."
"Some ponies in armor were at the farm," Sweetie Belle cut in. Big Macintosh looked up to see his sister's little friend emerge from the tree line covered with dirt and twigs and leaves. "Rarity saw them coming into town and sent us to tell Applejack, but when we got to Sweet Apple Acres they were already there."
And then some of them saw us coming down the road and chased after us."
Two ponies in gold armor came crashing out of the forest right on cue.
"Halt, criminal scum!" one shouted. They skidded to a stop as they saw their quarry had company. More specifically, they skidded to a stop when they saw Big Macintosh standing next to their quarry and realized from the expression on his face that they were about as bucked as two ponies could possibly. Big Macintosh snorted angrily and pawed the ground once like a bull.
"Nope."
†
The door flap to Blueblood's field tent opened with an audible rip of heavy canvas. Princess Celestia and Princess Cadance stormed in looking like they were about to banish Blueblood to the moon or force him to fall madly in love with a cheese grater, respectively. It was a credit to their self-control that Cadance said nothing and Celestia confined herself to one word.
"Explain."
Blueblood kept his posture ramrod straight. Knowing that the future health and welfare of his penis might well hinge on this conversation he choose his words carefully.
"The Captain of the Night Guard informed me that a crisis had developed in Ponyville. The crisis stemmed from Princess Twilight Sparkle's reported nullification of Equestrian law and consequent declaration of her own sovereignty and independence from the rest of the country. Captain Frolicsome Meadowlark argued, and I concurred, that available Guard forces should be mobilized according to standing protocols."
Blueblood stopped talking and waited, resisting the urge to hold his breath for fear that he would pass out and wake up the pleasure stud of a clan of misandrist badger body-modification fetishists. Something strange happened.
Celestia blinked.
Blueblood had never seen Princess Celestia caught off-guard outside a handful of incidents involving a precocious filly Twilight Sparkle and hitherto unknown quirks of applied magical theory. Blueblood logically but incorrectly connected those incidents with the current situation and failed to realize that the reaction had been prompted by the mention of Celestia's sister.
Cadance took over Celestia's role as interrogator. "And you stayed behind here where it's safe?" she snapped.
Blueblood knew he was doomed if he tried to vacillate in any way. He met Cadance's gaze and said, "Yes. It was decided that mustering additional forces would go smoother with a known authority figure in charge instead of a bat pony."
"Was that Captain Frolicsome Meadowlark's idea too?"
Blueblood vaulted the trap without hesitation. "No, I pointed it out."
Cadance started to say more but Celestia cut her off. "That's enough Cadance. Blueblood made the right call given the facts."
"But Auntie!" Cadance protested. Celestia shook her head, her head furrowed.
"We need more information. I want you to send word to the Crystal Empire in case we need help talking Twilight down."
Blueblood cleared his throat. The two princesses looked at him.
"I don't think we should inform Prince Shining Armor about his sister until we know more," Blueblood said apologetically. His earlier forced calm was starting to fray around the edges.
Cadance slammed her forehooves onto the front of Blueblood's desk with a sound like a cannon's report. She glared down at him like an angry raptor and Blueblood noticed her horn was uncomfortably close to her face.
"Are you saying my Shining Armor can't be trusted?!" Cadance screamed. Her horn bobbed a couple inches closer to his eye.
"He wrote the plan saying not to trust him if his sister went Dark Queen Sparkle!" Blueblood squeaked back.
"...He did?" Cadance asked, suddenly uncertain.
Blueblood pointed to one of the papers on his desk. "Yes. Right here."
Cadance sidled over and began to read aloud. "And needless to say, if Twily does go full-blown 'All shall love me and despair' then for buck's sake don't bring me into it. My inability to fight my own sister would make me a massive liability and possibly a fatal one."
Cadance looked back at Celestia. "Huh."
"Yes, Shining Armor has always had an admirably realistic assessment of both his limits and his sister's mental stability," Celestia said absently.
"All shall love me and and despair," Cadance said thoughtfully. "I need to remember that one."
Celestia sighed. "I assume we're all thinking the same thing then?" she asked.
"If you're thinking 'Holy buck holy buck Cadance's horn nearly went through my face' then yes," Blueblood said.
Celestia ignored him. "I probably should have seen this coming at some point."
Celestia's sadness was palpable. Blueblood reached for his best chance of comforting her.
"We don't know that Twilight is acting maliciously or of her own initiative," he said hesitantly. "Preliminary intelligence suggests that she has a lesbian lover who is holding her leash."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "I definitely should have seen that one coming," she said dryly.
Cadance giggled. "Well she had to get over her crush on you someday."
Celestia chuckled as well. "We'll postpone notifying Shining Armor. Blueblood, detail a half dozen guards to accompany me to Ponyville. And let's hope this isn't a plan seven situation because otherwise we are all going to die horribly."
†
"Trixie is not judging you," Trixie said as they walked down the path to Fluttershy's cottage. "Trixie is simply saying that you did not have to subdue them quite so many times. Trixie thinks that three times is enough."
"Nope," Big Macintosh said.
"Miss Trixie, that was really cool how you turned the tree into a catapult to hurl them all the way back to Sweet Apple Acres!" Apple Bloom chattered excitedly. She seemed well on her way to recovering from the scare. The resilience of youth was an amazing thing. Those two unicorn guards would probably be envious if they could see it and were still able to form coherent thoughts.
"Yes, Trixie's show-stopping ability combined with Big Macintosh's great strength did make for the most speculator sight and Apple Bloom should feel honored to have witnessed it," Trixie said airily. "Trixie thinks that it positively a crime that such an epic battle did not have more spectators to appreciate it."
Sweetie Belle looked less enthused. "Are you sure we should be here? Shouldn't we try to find Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie first?"
Apple Bloom snorted. "Y'all ever try findin' and catching Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie when they don't wanna be found? Nopony but Pinkie Pie has a chance of doing that."
Trixie looked back at Apple Bloom curiously. You mean that nopony but Pinkie Pie has a chance of finding Rainbow Dash," Trixie reasoned.
Apple Bloom shook her head. "Nopony else can find either of them or both of them. You ain't never seen Pinkie Pie play hide and seek with herself."
That mental image was enough to stop Trixie in her tracks. "What?" she said, her face twisting up in confusion.
"Don't try to think about it," Sweetie Belle advised.
"Yeah, that never ends well," Apple Bloom agreed.
Up ahead Big Macintosh stopped walking. Everypony else did the same. The path had opened into a clearing occupied by a postcard perfect cottage. A pretty yellow pegasus was sweeping the porch in front of it clean and singing happily while a petting zoo's worth of woodland critters helped. The only thing that marred the cuteness of the scene was the scowling bunny with the swagger stick and a carrot clenched in the corner of its mouth that was overseeing them and darting around to periodically thump whichever songbird or beaver he deemed to be slacking off.
The bunny was also the first to notice the newcomers. He ran over to Fluttershy and tugged on her mane to get her attention.
"Now Angel Bunny," Fluttershy began patiently. She winced at the sudden jolt of pain. "What have we talked about—Oh! Big Macintosh!"
"Howdy there, Miss Fluttershy," Big Macintosh rumbled in greeting. Fluttershy was smiling and so was he. It was hard not to, all things considered.
Fluttershy's gaze drifted back the way Big Macintosh had come. "Oh, hello Apple Bloom, hello Sweetie Belle, hello— AIIEE!"
Fluttershy shrieked and fled back into her cottage fast enough to put Rainbow Dash to shame.
Big Macintosh sighed as the cottage door slammed shut and the woodland critters scattered. He walked the rest of the way over and gave the cottage door two firm knocks.
"Miss Fluttershy?" he repeated patiently. "Ah need to talk to you about something important."
Loud but incoherent whimpers came from inside. Big Macintosh gave Trixie a dirty look.
"What?" Trixie said indignantly. Big Macintosh rolled his eyes and tried again.
"Ah promise nopony is gonna hurt you. Could you please—"
"Uh, Big Macintosh?" Sweetie Belle said nervously. "I don't think Fluttershy is the pony who needs to worry about getting hurt."
Something about her tone made Big Macintosh uneasy. He turned to see Trixie hastily turning her head and pretending she hadn't been ogling his flank. Then they both saw Angel behind them holding his swagger stick like a baton at the head of a small army of beavers, timberwolves, snakes of unusual size, nearly two dozen rodents of various types holding makeshift spears, manticores, bears and other angry woodland critters. An avian caw drew their attention skyward to see that the critter army had air support in the form of falcons, eagles, vultures, bats, flying squirrels and a very pissed off swarm of bees.
Big Macintosh and Trixie gulped. Angel Bunny smiled with sadistic glee and raised his swagger stick to signal a charge.