Showdown
"Check," Rarity said as an Ursa Major roared its obedience to the Princess of the Night's command.
Applejack chewed on the straw in her mouth, deep in thought. She slid a piece two squares forward just as the Ursa's battle cry turned into a wail of pain when Twilight spared enough attention to blast the summoned monster. The eclipse darkened sky lit up eerily with something like silent lightning as Twilight hastily fended off Luna's riposte and Applejack said, "Mate in two."
Rarity rolled her eyes at the obvious bluff. "Conceding already, darling?" she teased as the backwash of Luna's parried spell hit everypony in Ponyville with a mental picture so disturbing that nopony was likely to sleep for the next few nights. Rarity looked up at the terrified bat pony who was nominally guarding them and fluttered her eyes.
"Thank you ever so much for letting us have a game board to pass the time," she said. "I knew you didn't have to and it was very sweet of you, darling."
"NO MOMMY, I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK IN THE BOX!" the bat pony mewed as he watched the battle. He was clearly lost in some private madness.
"Land's sakes Rarity, could ya stop flirting with him and make yer move?" Applejack snapped testily.
Rarity huffed and moved her piece as the Ursa Major ripped what sounded like the town clock tower out of the ground and hefted it aloft to use it either as a club or a missile. "Really Applejack, there's no need to be rude. Check."
Applejack gave Rarity an unamused look. Magenta spell light reflected in her eyes as she did. "And there ain't no need to make nice with ponies that done trespassed on mah property and did Celestia knows what to our kin!" she shot back.
Applejack made another small move as she spoke. "Mate in one," she added.
Rarity sighed as the heavens above shrieked and the stars themselves ripped free from the firmament to arrange themselves into a series of new constellations. "Don't be uncouth. I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding and that once it's settled everything will be back to normal and Twilight will write a letter to the Princess or something."
She levitated a piece and placed it down near the other end of the board. "Also, check."
The newly formed constellations blazed in gigantic runes of power and emitted an eldritch blast so unfathomably huge it left a thirty second gap in the memories of everypony who perceived it. A purple meteor came streaking down to smash into the Apple family's new barn as Applejack made her last move.
"Checkmate," Applejack said flatly. "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go 'escape' and check on Twilight."
Rarity sputtered and glared at the board while Applejack kicked down the door of the makeshift stockade and shouldered past the gibbering guards who remained.
"Twi?" She called. "Y'all alright?"
The rubble shifted. Twilight emerged from what was left of the barn and staggered a few steps.
"I'm sorry Princess," she slurred woozily. "I didn't mean to stay up so late, but I'd only proofread my final draft eighty-seven times and I wanted to make it an neatly divisible number."
Twilight took another step, managing to move forward this time. Then she fell flat on her face.
The Princess of the Night picked that moment to arrive. She descended into the midday darkness on a single beam of moonlight. Her eyes glowed with that same fey light. They shone down on Applejack like twin spotlights as Luna towered over the little earth pony. When she spoke her voice was as absolute as the event horizon of a black hole.
"DAME APPLEJACK," she boomed. "YOU MUST STAND ASIDE, THAT WE MIGHT FINISH THIS."
Applejack didn't know exactly what 'finish' entailed in this context, but she was pretty sure it didn't mean a friendship report.
"Nope," she said. "Fraid Ah can't let ya do that."
Luna's anger became tinged with amusement. The Royal Canterlot Voice turned wry as she bespoke the grain of sand that defied the starry ocean of the night.
"AND PRITHEE, LITTLE PONY," she queried, "BY WHAT MEANS SHALL YOU PREVENT US?"
Applejack spat to one side and adjusted her hat. "Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee."
"But as fun as that would be to watch," an annoyingly familiar voice cut in, "it would make Fluttershy cry."
Luna turned. Discord snapped his fingers. The eclipse ended as the moon turned into a giant wheel of green cheese and rolled off to knock over a set of bowling pin constellations that had replaced the star runes.
Luna's anger flared. "YOU DARE—"
An apple popped up into Luna's mouth and shut her up. Discord continued.
"And I'm still learning this whole 'friendship' thing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to let that happen. Sooo..."
A shiny badge appeared on Discord's torso. He tapped it officiously.
"Set phasers to 'harmonize."
Luna spat the apple out. "Discord, stop this immediately or—"
A beam of coruscating energy lanced from the sky and sent Luna flying. Applejack tracked the trajectory of the beam to see a silver saucer-shaped disk propelled by a pair of blue glowing engine nacelles swooping in from where the cheese-moon-bowling ball had rolled off to.
The badge on Discord's chest chirped and a voice with a stereotypical Highlands accent issued from it.
"Cap'n, we have a transporter lock!"
Discord tapped the badge and it chirped again. "Discord to Bridge. Make it so," he replied gravely.
"Don't hurt her!" Fluttershy fretted. Applejack looked back to see her friend standing behind the orchard fence next to Trixie and her siblings. She had a concerned look on her face.
Rubble shifted as Luna regained her footing. She started to flex her wings for a takeoff but paused when she saw the newcomers. Her eyes widened.
"Et tu, Fluttershy?"
Before anypony could reply Luna was enveloped in sparkling light. A few seconds later he was gone.
Applejack stared in horror. "What did ya do to her?" she said in a hushed tone.
Discord clapped his mismatched appendages together. "Oh, I sent her to a galaxy far, far away," he said dismissively. "She'll be fine. Now then..."
Discord crooked a clawed digit and the Apple homestead lifted up into the air, tilted to one side and shook until ponies came tumbling out. One of them was Filthy Rich.
"Is he the one?" Discord asked Fluttershy.
"Yes," Applejack and Trixie answered. Neither of them sounded happy.
Filthy Rich looked from Discord to Applejack and then back to Discord. He gulped and seemed to visibly screw up his nerve. Then he shoved one of the ponies with him forward.
"Deal with this," he said curtly.
The lawyer pony looked back at his employer incredulously. Filthy Rich made a shooing gesture with his hoof. The lawyer pony gulped, made a futile attempt to straighten his dirty, rumpled suit and turned to face Discord.
"Aren't you—" he choked and coughed, then tried again.
"Didn't you just violate a certain popular science fiction franchise's intellectual property rights?"
Dead silence followed. The words hung in the air. Discord heaved a sigh.
"Whelp," Discord said. "You got me."
Pinkie Pie jumped out from behind a bush and said, "Ooh, good one!"
Rarity jumped. "Pinkie Pie! Where did you come from?!"
Pinkie Pie made a shushing sound as she pulled a tub of popcorn out of her mane.
"Say what?" Applejack said.
Discord conjured up a small suitcase and began packing things much too bulky to fit into it. "Sorry ponies," he said, clearly annoyed. "But there are some powers even I don't dare challenge."
Discord snapped his fingers and a door appeared. "See you next week at the usual place!" he said to Fluttershy with jaunty wave as he opened the door and stepped through. "Ta!"
The door closed behind Discord and faded away. Then both door and draconequus were gone.
Everypony stared in silence as they processed Discord's actions. Applejack was the first to break it.
"Will somepony please talk normal and explain what the hay just happened?
Silver light flared and a bedraggled looking Princess Luna descended from the night sky above Sweet Apple Acres.
"What happened, dear Applejack," Luna said with a voice that mixed annoyance with smug satisfaction, "Is a reminder that there are powers greater than alicorns and spirits. Now then. Where were we?"
Luna landed awkwardly in front of Applejack and the demolished barn. She raised one eyebrow at the farm pony.
Applejack gulped, but she didn't seem anymore inclined to back down than before.
"Ah was sayin' that—"
"Twilight ain't here no more," Big Macintosh interrupted.
†
Low-hanging branches whipped at Trixie's face as she tore through the woods at top speed with an alicorn princess slung over her back. Those same branches also slapped at Twilight Sparkle, the aforementioned alicorn passenger. This was of considerably less import to Trixie than the threat the stinging blows posed to Trixie's beautiful face, but the moans they elicited did serve to notify Trixie that Twilight was regaining consciousness.
"Oh be quiet," Trixie snapped as she leapt a narrow creek. "Do you have any idea how much other ponies would give to be in your position right now? Trixie's flank is a rare—"
Trixie's egotism proved painful enough to prompt a reflexive smack to the back of the head from one of Twilight's forehooves. The impact knocked Trixie off her stride and sent her stumbling facedown into the only mud puddle in the vicinity. Trixie sputtered and floundered, her hooves suddenly tangled together beneath her.
Twilight Sparkle landed neatly on her hooves, having reflexively flapped her wings at just the right moment to turn her fall into a controlled landing. The two mares looked at each other.
"Trixie hates you, Twilight Sparkle," said Trixie.
"That's nice, Trixie," said Twilight. "Now where are we?"
Trixie glared at Twilight but said, "Trixie ran into the deepest part of the forest to throw off any pursuit. Trixie is confident that Trixie plotted a sufficiently confusing course that any pursuers will be stymied—"
"Oh right, this is the way to Fluttershy's cottage," Twilight interrupted as she recognized their location "Why did you run straight here?"
Trixie glared harder. "...Trixie hates you, so much," Trixie reiterated.
Twilight shook her head and started to roll her eyes, but the movement brought a wave of dizziness and nausea that sent her staggering sideways. She put a hoof up against a tree to steady herself while she waited for the world to stop spinning.
Trixie, being generous, merciful and compassionate, pulled a handkerchief out of her hat, wet it in the creek and levitated it over to press against Twilight's forehead. "You should be grateful that Trixie is so generous, merciful and compassionate, Twilight Sparkle!" Trixie said humbly.
"Yes Trixie," Twilight said in what Trixie thought was an insufficiently grateful tone. "Thank you so much for your help."
Trixie decided to be magnanimous. "Trixie forgives you for the inconvenience," Trixie said magnanimously.
The silence after that was awkward. "So, what do you suggest we do now?" Trixie asked. "Trixie asks so she can contrast your plan with Trixie's better plan so that you can learn to be more like Trixie."
Twilight sighed deeply. "What exactly happened? I remember doing something and then I slammed into the ground and everything went hazy." Her eyes widened. "Cheerilee! I need to make sure Cheerilee is alright!"
The sudden outburst was enough to make Twilight swoon again. Against her better judgement Trixie sidled up close enough to prop Twilight up against the tree with her body.
"Discord and Applejack were distracting the scary alicorn when Trixie spirited Twilight away," Trixie explained.
Twilight's eyes widened. "Discord! But—"
Twilight paused as she noticed the eclipse had ended.
"...Oh," she finished weakly. She started to put things together in her head and concluded that whatever had happened it couldn't be good.
They stepped out past the tree line and found themselves looking at Fluttershy's cottage. Twilight looked at Trixie and raised an eyebrow.
"Deepest part of the forest, huh?" Twilight asked, deadpan.
"Oh shut up," Trixie groused.
Something very bright shined overhead and an authoritative voice called out, "TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
Twilight and Trixie looked up to see Celestia descend from on high accompanied by Blueblood and a coterie of guards. Blueblood and the guards were wearing form-fitting red jumpsuits and everypony was covered with what appeared to be bubblegum. Celestia in particular seemed to have her wings half-immobilized with the stuff. None of them looked happy.
"Oh buck," Trixie said.