A/N: Thanks for the reviews & follows!
The last third of this chapter has been expanded, worth another read if you get a chance. Expanded Remus' perspective a bit and it adds some depth, I think. Huge thanks to FourHouses for their help in crafting the story :)
Just to clarify, Remus is a priest in the Catholic Church and romantic relationships are strictly forbidden for him. So...let's see what happens with that ;)
Hermione followed, wordlessly, as blinding passion and joy took hold of her. The quiet doubts and worry that seemed to constantly nag her were momentarily silenced as her mind dutifully shut off and focused only on the pleasure of his strong hand wrapped protectively around her own.
For his part, Remus blocked out all rational thought. The guilt and shame and fear would have to wait for another day. He had waited too damn long for this and didn't have the heart to deny himself any longer. He glanced down at her sweet fingers interlaced in his own and it gave him courage and hope, two things that didn't come easily to the lonely man.
Everything will be fine, he thought, just breathe.
Before they knew it, they had crossed the small, snow-covered parking lot and were back in his private quarters, their bodies crashing together. Their mouths and hands exploring and touching and grabbing as the pair fell into a beautiful, deep abyss.
The hunger that dwelled deep within them was finally, mercifully, coming to the surface and they seemed incapable of stopping the ensuing flood. They did not shrink back, but rather leaned wholeheartedly into it.
Coats, boots, gloves and scarves came off quickly as the pair moved about the small room, their lips never parting.
As she pulled him back towards his large, soft bed, she climbed atop it and kneeled before him so she could kiss and tease him apart with her soft, warm mouth.
He had never felt such unbridled joy, his body and spirit finally awakening to her touch, her mouth, her beautiful body. As her hands drifted beneath his sweater and skimmed along his sensitive skin, her fingers working to unfasten his belt, his mind momentarily cleared as he realized where they were headed.
He stopped his frenzied kissing and pulled back ever so slightly, still holding her tight, he tried to quiet his raging heart long enough to draw a breath.
"Hermione, I've never...you see, I've never actually been...um, with anyone. I'm a virgin," he admitted, his cheeks flushing crimson. "I'm not even sure if I'm doing this right," he admitted, smiling shyly as he starred pointedly at his shoes.
She smiled at his words, and gently tilted his face up to meet her eyes.
"It's fine, Remus. I'm a virgin, as well, so we're basically starting at the same spot. You're doing everything just perfect. So relax, we've got all the time in the world, we don't have to rush," she said, smiling sweetly as she tenderly held his face.
He smiled at her sweet words, drew a deep breath and felt himself relax. She pulled him close and pushed his sweater up and over his shoulders, revealing his tight, lean body that begged to be caressed.
She breathed deeply and willed herself to slow down and enjoy every single second of this. She slowly traced her fingers down his chest and stomach, her nails grazing his delicate, pale skin. He watched her, his breathing gradually slowing as she explored him and discovered him. Her eyes wandered slowly across him, taking him in, delight apparent in her gaze as her hands glided across his shoulders and down his arms and finally encircling him and pulling him close.
"You are perfect," she whispered, her lips right next to his as she languidly began to kiss his neck and shoulder. Her small, determined hands caressed his back as she pulled him atop the bed with her.
He felt so unworthy of her praise and touch but he couldn't deny how wonderful it felt to hear and feel. Being wanted, desired was so completely foreign to the man, he could barely comprehend this all was actually happening.
They kissed and held one another for what felt likes ages, and with each gentle sigh and touch, their combined nerves began to vanish as they slowly became familiar with eachother. The bodies soon began moving as one single entity, with the friction and passion building and building to a fever pitch.
Hermione soon realized that her body was positively quaking with delight, the passion was making her dizzy and quickly overwhelming her. The unfamiliar rush of heat and excitement was almost too much to take in at once. Blood pounded in her ears, her breath was coming out in raged gasps, her heart was racing, wetness was pooling at her core. She desperately needed more of him. Needed to feel his naked body against hers.
Still fully clothed, she finally pulled back and effortlessly pulled off her sweater revealing the white lace bra beneath. He blushed deeply at the sight as he took in the incomparable sight of her beautiful body, his hands instinctively reaching out to caress her bare skin, it all feeling like a perfect, blissful dream. One that he never wanted to awaken from.
She smiled down at him as she unhooked and slowly slid her bra off, her eyes never wavering from his. He audibly gasped at the sight and he sat up. He slowly pulled her into his lap. He felt so stunned by the woman before him, not only by her exceptional beauty, which was certainly unparalleled, but also by her brave heart and by the trust that she bestowed upon him, of all people. He simply couldn't believe how much of herself she was willing to give to him, and only him. She was letting herself be completely vulnerable and share with him a singular gift.
She should have felt nervous or embarrassed. Had she been with anyone but Remus, she was sure she would have. For she had never felt much self-confidence when it came to her body, often feeling inadequate and decidedly unsexy compared to the girls she had grown up with. No one had ever even seen her body like this and she had always worried that when the time came, a lover wouldn't care for her body or be excited by her. But the way Remus held her, touched her, the way his stunning blue eyes drank her in, it made her feel so beautiful and confident. Her heart swelled at the joy that he brought forth from within her.
Being in his arms felt like the most natural thing in the world, like their bodies had once been fused as one, eons ago, and then torn asunder by a cruel deity, casting each into a sad, lonely existence. But now they had found eachother and were as one once more. This was how they were meant to be.
Her beautiful, full breasts nestled against his strong chest, his eyes drifting across her luscious body, he did indeed feel humbled and honored to have her. He finally kissed her again and relished the feeling of her skin, his hands grasping her back and tangling in her curls, his whole body and soul full of unmet want and need.
"You are so beautiful. More exquisite and lovely than I could've ever imagined. I don't deserve you," he said sincerely as he looked deeply into her eyes.
She smiled at his words, unaccustomed to hearing such praise and said, "I love you, Remus."
"I love you, Hermione. Truly, I do," he said, cupping her face and kissing her once more.
Their hands grasped and moved and glided with greater urgency now and before long he has laying atop her, his head dipping to kiss and suckle her neck while his hands gently, carefully caressed her breasts, his fingers grazing her nipples, eliciting a satisfying gasp from her.
She let her legs fall open and he settled himself there, his body writhing against hers as his thigh rubbed against her molten center. She arched her back to meet his every move, the pressure and tension building within her felt both overwhelming and yet not enough. She dug her hands deep in his hair and moaned into his mouth at the delicious way he moved against her, her body alight with pure ecstasy.
"Please, Remus. I need...more. Please," she begged.
He slowly sat up and began to take off her pants. His fingers trembled slightly as he unbuttoned her jeans and slowly pulled them free, leaving her in nothing but a pair of white lace panties. She looked absolutely divine. His whole body was shivering with anticipation and nerves, he tried hard not to show just how nervous he truly was. She took in his worry though and held his gaze confidently and smiled at him, trying to put him at ease.
He slowly crept forward and settled next to her, kissing her once more, his sweet mouth on hers causing her to quickly loose what little focus she had. She didn't let him get very far before she gently pushed him onto his back as he sat up and kneeled next to him. She leaned above him, unbuckled his belt and began to undo his jeans, a small smile gracing her lovely face. Her almost naked body, glowing by the light of the fire, was beautiful to watch, he could've stayed there for all eternity and reveled in her.
Sliding his jeans down his legs, she tossed them unceremoniously to the floor and left him in only his boxer shorts. Hovering above him, she ran her hands up his long, strong legs, grazing the bulge in his shorts causing him to drop his head back, shut his eyes tight and moan as pure pleasure rippled through him, the likes of which he had never known.
She strattled his hips, bent forward and took his lips once more. Her wet heat rubbing against him, over and over again, was sending him closer and closer to the edge and he knew he wouldn't last much longer.
In a single fluid movement, he pulled her forward and gently rolled her onto her back, holding her face in his hands and staring deeply into her lovely eyes.
"Are you sure about this? We can still stop," Remus asked, his voice deep and full of passion.
"I want you, Remus. Please make love to me. I want you more than anything," she said, as her chest heaved with each breath.
He smiled at her beautiful words as he hooked his thumb in her panties and slowly pulled them down, trailing kisses down her body as he went. Once she was fully naked, he swiftly pulled off his own boxers and he settled once more between her legs.
He positioned himself right at her opening, her desire apparent and enticing.
He kissed her and tenderly cupped her face as she smiled and nodded, willing him to finally succumb.
He gently pushed against her and their eyes closed at the incredible sensation that greeted them both. His breath shuttered at the wet heat that met him. He had to grip the mattress to stop himself from losing control that very instant.
She felt the push and pressure and was momentarily stunned by the discomfort.
He opened his eyes to see hers still closed, her breathing slow and controlled.
"Have I hurt you? Are you alright?", he softly asked, worry apparent in his voice.
"No. I'm fine, please don't stop. You feel incredible," she smiled, kissing him once more.
They laid like that for several beats, the pair both grappling with the amazing, new world they had discovered together.
She slowly began to move her hips beneath him and he carefully met her with shallow thrusts, each movement causing his whole body to tighten with anticipation. They soon found a beautiful, sweet rhythm, their bodies moving not as clumsy, nervous, first-time lovers, but rather as soul mates, so attune and in sync with one another.
Her body was soon overcome by passion and need, and began moving of its own accord, her hips grinding into his, her lips devouring his own, her long legs wrapped around him, trying desperately to get closer to him.
"You feel so incredible, I'm so close," he moaned into her ear as he gripped her bottom and pulled her tight against his body, fully filling her and in turn sending her careening over the edge as her coil of pleasure burst apart.
The ecstasy that quaked through her body had felt so all-encompassing and powerful. She had never before experienced such elation and pleasure.
Watching and feeling her luscious body succumb to passion caused him to fall headlong into his own pleasure, the ecstasy rippling through him over and over again like a tidal wave.
Their frantic ministrations slowed as they gradually came down and he offered her more tender kisses and gentle caresses.
He lay beside her and tenderly held her, kissing her curls and trailing his fingers up and down her body. He finally felt whole, he finally felt at peace.
"Are you alright?", he asked, looking at her with pure love and adoration.
She smiled and nodded, tracing her fingers along his chest.
"I love holding you. I could get used to this," he said, smiling at her.
"Me, too," she said, smiling against his strong chest, disbelieving what they had just shared.
She pulled back slightly to see his face relaxed and happy, "Are you okay?," she asked.
He smiled widely, his eyes warm and kind and said, "Yes, yes, I am. I'm wonderful."
"We're going to be fine. We have eachother now, everything else will fall into place," she said with a sweet smile, tucking herself tightly against him.
She relaxed into his warm body, a feeling of pure happines settling deep within in her.
He held her tight, her lovely, soft body molded to his felt like the most natural and beautiful thing to ever exist. He gently stroked her hair and breathed a deep sigh of contentment.
With his strong body surrounding her, Hermione's eyelids soon grew heavy and she slipped effortlessly into a deep sleep.
XXXXXXX
She awoke contented and at peace, her heart full to bursting with joy. Bright warm sunlight streamed in through his many windows and she felt warm and safe in his bed, as she stretched like a happy cat, rolling across the bed. She was immediately surprised however, to find Remus missing. His side of the bed was cold to the touch and the sheets were already made up.
Confused, Hermione sat up, her eyes glancing around the room, looking for him. When she saw him sitting in his reading chair, her heart sunk into her toes.
Seated before the dying embers of the fire, Remus was dressed, once more, in his full habit. The sight she had seen countless times before was a true shock to see by the early morning light.
But worse than his clothes, was the coldness in his eyes. All the warmth she was so used to seeing was gone.
"Remus, what are you doing? Why are you dressed like that?" Hermione asked carefully, her voice full of worry.
"I have early morning mass," he offered matter of factly, avoiding her eyes.
"You're going to offer mass? But, but I...I don't understand. I thought...", she began, but he cut her off.
"It's not that simple, Hermione," he said, now looking her in eye.
"I've been a priest for twenty years, I can't just throw that all away because of what has happened between us."
She felt like she had been thrown headlong into icy water, her mind and heart stunned by his cold, callous words.
"What's happened between us," she repeated carefully, disbelieving the words coming from her lover's lips.
"Remus, you told me you loved me, just as I love you. I gave you my heart, you don't just get to throw that away," she said, the sudden, sharp pain cutting through her with a viciousness.
"Hermione, I'm not trying to hurt you, truly I'm not," he said, his voice softening ever so slightly.
"Please, believe me. I do love you. Everything I said last night was the truth but...I also feel that what we did was a sin. A grave sin. One that I can not act upon again," he said, as he finally looked at her laying in the bed they had just shared.
"It truly kills me to say and do this, I hope you know that," he said, tears filling his eyes.
"But you said...you said you loved me. Isn't breaking someone's heart a sin?", she asked quietly, her eyes filling with tears.
He only sat silently.
"If it isn't, it damn well should be," she said softly, tucking her legs to her chest to fight off the chill that now surrounded her.
She suddenly looked so small and fragile, so human. He swallowed hard at the hurt he was causing her.
"Father Smith should be back soon. I'm going to offer my confession to him. I suggest you do the same before your ceremony," Remus said rather softly, his voice full of anguish.
Hermione only shook her head sadly, fighting back the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, as she reached towards the bottom of the bed to retrieve her sweater and panties.
"No, I don't believe I will," she said, as she began to slip her clothes back on. "I've done nothing wrong, and neither have you," she stated, her eyes full of hurt that he would feel this way.
He nodded and stood up to leave. As his hand reached the door knob, he heard her imploring voice once more.
"Please, Remus, don't...don't do this. Stay with me, I love you."
The words were beyond moving. She was offering him everything she had to give but he knew he couldn't cave now. She deserved better than him.
"I've always loved you, you know," she said, getting out of their bed and approaching him.
"I loved you when I fell off my bike when I was twelve and I skinned both my knees and you carried me all the way home. And I cried and sobbed all over your shirt but you never complained."
"I loved you when you bought all my Girl Scout cookies, even though I hadn't sold a single box just so I could win the head scout award for once."
"I loved you when you would read my poetry aloud even when it was rubbish."
"I loved you when you held my hand at my grandmother's funeral."
"I've loved your sharp mind, your humor, your gracious heart, your smile."
"I've simply loved you, Remus. Every part of you. I've loved you. I love you," she said, standing right before him, taking his warm hand in her own.
It was almost imperceptible but she could see his eyes soften ever so slightly, the warmth returning with each heartfelt utterance from her lips.
"If only...if only things were different," he said, the desperation and sorrow in his voice readily apparent.
"But we can make them different, Remus. You just have to trust me," she said.
Staring deep into her lovely eyes he could see a future with her so clearly. Getting married, seeing the world, having children, simply getting to be with her every single day. It all seemed so close, just within his grasp, if he could just forgive himself for being human, for wanting more from life.
He smiled slightly as he traced a delicate line down her jaw, his thumb coming to rest by her trembling lips. He was falling headlong once more into her lovely eyes, his heart opening wide once more.
As he smiled and leaned forward to kiss her, her cell phone rang out.
It was this simple, little thing that broke the spell.
Remus's head jerked toward the ringing and when he did, he caught sight of the rumpled sheets, of his deshelved room, of the small bible that sat on his bedside table and he suddenly remembered just who exactly he was.
He knew this was wrong, in so many ways. So Remus took this interruption as his divine sign, God finally chancing to stop by, albeit a half-a-day late.
RING, RING.
"I wish I could promise you a forever, Hermione."
RING, RING.
"But I just can't," he offered, tenderly cupping her face as the tears escaped his anguished eyes.
As much as his heart burned for her, he knew this wasn't a life he deserved.
RING, RING.
"Please don't go, Remus. I love you."
RING, RING.
"I know, and I love you. But this just wasn't meant to be," he said sadly, carefully tucking a stray curl behind her ear.
RING, RING.
"You should get dressed, you've got a big day ahead of you," he offered with a small sad smile as he reluctantly stepped away from her.
RING, RING.
"My heart will always be yours, Remus. Always."
RING, RING.
"You should really answer that," he said softly, his eyes full of sorrow.
RING, RING.
He turned and reached for the door knob and Hermione knew there was no point arguing, the window to his heart had been firmly shut. She knew a lost cause when she saw one.
As she hugged herself and bit back the onslaught of tears that was sure to come, Remus turned the knob and quietly left his room.
As the door clicked shut, Hermione felt her heart rip apart at the seams and her tears finally flowed. Crumpling in a heap on the floor beside the bed, Hermione finally reached for her still-ringing phone and answered it. Her irate mother was on the other end.
"Yes, mother, I know I'm running late," Hermione said wearily, settling in for the full weight of her mother's wrath.
"I just went for a drive. I needed to clear my head."
"Yes, mother...I'm fine."
"I'm sorry I've kept the hairdresser waiting."
"Yes, mother, I'll pick up Aunt Meredith on the way."
"Yes, I'll be home in twenty minutes," Hermione said as her mother finally, mercifully let her hang up.
Sitting alone in his room, her hair tangled, her lips raw from his kisses, she felt sorrow plant itself firmly in her heart. The early morning light that shone through the windows no longer felt warm and comforting, but rather harsh and intrusive, casting the room in a sickly yellow pallor. It was a new day and Hermione couldn't pretend anymore. She roughly wiped the tears from her face and stood on weak, shaky legs. She slowly gathered the rest of her clothes strewn about Remus' room.
She dressed quickly, shame and sorrow traveling their well-worn path through her heart. She grabbed her small purse and put on her shoes. The last thing she did before leaving was to make the side of the bed she had slept on. Smoothing the rumpled sheets, folding back the comforter to match Remus' side, trying to erase herself from the room along with all the damage she caused. She silently marveled at how much had happened in this room and how no one would ever know. She turned and silently left.
XXXXXXX
Hermione made a beautiful, blushing bride. All three hundred guests seemed in agreement that she had blossomed into a stunning young lady. They all marveled at her gown, her grace, her poise. Tall, elegant, confidant, it all looked so effortless, so seemless, so damn close to the real thing it was all but impossible to see the strings behind puppet. Had anyone chosen to look at her, really look at her, they could've seen the force behind that smile, the fake cheer in her voice.
Someone did notice, but as usual, no one was paying him the least bit of attention.
Remus asked if anyone present had any reason that the couple should not be wed and Hermione stared right into his deep, blue eyes. She looked for anything, a flicker of hope, a pang of doubt, some evidence that he too felt same the same stab of anguish she felt at letting him go.
But all she saw there was calm, cool detachment. The man she had known for years, the man who tenderly made love to her last night, he simply wasn't there anymore.
Only the priest remained.
She felt the chasm between them grow into something impassable, unbridgeable. He had made his choice and now she had to make hers.
So when Remus asked Hermione if she would love Jonathan forever and pledge her heart and soul to the young man, she promised she would. If Remus didn't want her heart, it didn't seem to matter whom she gave it away to.
Jonathan leaned forward and gave his bride a chaste kiss and with that, Hermione's fate was sealed. Her heart broke at the future that awaited her. One without her true love, her dearest friend.
Friends and family clapped and cheered as the young pair made their way back down the aisle, seemingly happy. When Hermione reached the last pew, she chanced a glance back at the altar, but Remus was already gone. The only evidence he had even been there were the tears that trickled silently down her pale face.
XXXXXX
As the newlyweds left the church, Remus watched from his bedroom window, detaching himself as best he could from the scene playing out below. He watched as Hermione hugged and kissed her parents and smiled for the photographer and headed off into her future. As she prepared to leave, she gave one last glance up to his window, but she couldn't see him as Remus hid carefully in the shadows. He watched her offer one last smile to the crowd and duck into the car, and disappear over the horizon. Remus sat down heavily on his empty bed, his heading spinning, his heart clenched tight at the pain that viciously rippled through him.
Before Hermione had even left his room that morning, Remus had already pulled Father Smith aside and confessed his sin. The kind, older priest had sat silently, taking in the guilt and sadness of his young colleague with a good bit of consternation. He sat quietly for a long time after Remus had finished confessing before speaking.
"Are you sorry for sinning, my son?" Father Smith quietly asked.
"Yes, Father," Remus said, his eyes red from crying.
"Do you regret your poor judgment?"
"Yes, Father."
Father Smith nodded and paused for a moment. He leaned forward, his wrinkled hands resting on his knees so he could look Remus right in the eye.
Remus did not break his gaze but rather swallowed hard at the question he knew was coming next.
"Do you love this young woman, Remus?" Father Smith finally asked.
"Yes, Father, I do," Remus immediately answered, guilt and sorrow etched clearly across his face.
Father Smith nodded gravely at the answer, settling back and looking Remus over once more, this time with a more appraising look.
"Are you quite sure, Remus? Do you really think you know what love is?" Father Smith asked.
"Father, you're asking me to define love and I'm not sure anyone, let alone myself, could dare do such a thing. One could never hope to grasp the depth and breadth of love with mere words. That would be akin to numbering the stars in the heavens or drops of water in the sea, it's simply too incredible a thing to qualify."
"I know what I feel, Father, and I have felt a deep, abiding respect and admiration for her for quite some time."
"It began in earnest last year, not long after she moved back and she began teaching our Sunday school classes for the children. I distinctly remember she was always so patient and kind with the children. She was amazing with them, in fact, it was such a wonderful thing to see," he recalled with a small smile on his face.
"I remember one Sunday morning we had a terrible thunder storm suddenly move in and we lost power. Her and I were in the basement teaching twenty little children and it all of a sudden became pitch black. We didn't know how long the power would be out or how bad the storm was, so we had to simply sit and wait it out. I tried telling stories and asking the kids questions to distract them but it didn't work at all," he remembered with a small chuckle.
"The kids were all upset, many of them crying, and I couldn't for the life of me figure how to keep them all calm till the power came back on."
"I honestly panicked, I didn't know what to do. And just when I was becoming truly desperate, Hermione did the most incredible thing...she began singing. And it was like... it was like an angel suddenly sat amongst us, her voice was so soft and warm and yet, strong and comforting. The kids who had been crying all stopped and were seemingly hypnotized by her magical voice."
"I remember sitting in the dark and just felt her voice go right through me, filling my heart with peace. I felt awestruck. Her words and the emotion in her voice, it felt so moving, so very touching."
"She had always been so shy and reserved and I had never once heard her sing before. And yet here she was, sharing this private yet powerful part of herself. She was bearing a piece of her heart and I felt honored to get to hear her voice, it made me feel special. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life."
"The little ones reached out to one another and held hands, and we sat just like that, in the dark, calm and safe, her beautiful voice surrounding us, till the power finally came back on," Remus said smiling at the memory.
"What song did she sing?" Father Smith asked, a small smile on his weary, old face.
"Bring Flowers of the Rarest," Remus answered softly.
Father Smith gave a nod and a look of understanding to the young man.
"A fitting song for such a lovely young lady," Father Smith replied.
Remus nodded in agreement.
"I may not know love, Father, but I do know that I desperately want what's best for her, I always have. She's grown up before me into a kind, strong, beautiful young lady. She's compassionate and warm, giving and loving. She's the finest person I've ever known and I'm proud and humbled to even know her. I simply want her to know happiness," Remus said.
Father Smith nodded once more at the answer.
"Yes, Remus, I'd say you're in love."
The old priest told Remus he could remain in the priesthood but only if his heart was pure and fully committed to the church.
Remus promised his lifelong devotion and Father Smith accepted him on his word and granted him absolution.
Three 'Our Fathers' and a 'Hail Mary' and all was supposedly forgiven, the slate wiped clean yet again.
As he stood to leave, Father Smith paused and turned to Remus.
"God loves all of his children, Remus. No matter what sin they commit," Father Smith said with a kind smile.
"If you love Hermione,...if you truly love her, Remus, you should think long and hard about remaining here."
"God would never want your devotion if that meant sentencing you to a life of misery," he said before leaving Remus to parse through his muddled thoughts.
Hours later found Remus standing at the altar waiting for his beloved to make her way down the aisle. He had been silently weighing the words of his mentor all day, trying desperately to summon the courage to be honest and take the irrevocable plunge.
He wanted to be brave and steal her away, promise her the life of joy and ease she so richly deserved but beneath all that want lay a firm, unyielding layer of doubt and fear.
As he watched her walk down the aisle, her brave eyes locked onto his, he realized in that very moment that he would never have her.
He wouldn't object loudly, or cause a scene, or dare betray his heart's dearest wish.
As much as he loved her, he also knew himself well enough to know that he lacked the courage at that moment to risk it all and start over in the world.
So he took the easy way out and let her slip away. And now she was well and truly gone.
All was said and done and he had been absolved. He was supposed to feel free now from the weight of guilt but if anything he now felt its acute sting all the more sharply as he grappled with reality of just how much he had hurt her. Shame, sorrow and anger coursed through him, as well they should, he thought.
He now knew it was not the fear of God that had plagued him when he awoke this morning. It was the fear of hurting her, of holding her back from the life she was meant to lead. That is what had terrified him and caused him to so callously push her away.
His judgment had been so clouded that he couldn't see how deep and unyielding his love for her really was. He had selfishly pushed her away to save his own soul and now that he was absolved, sadness and guilt were all he had left. It was his penance for hurting her, a sorrow that would stay with him for all his days.
He chanced a glance around his room in the hopes that she had left something behind. A hair clip, or maybe a glove. But, no. Every last thing belonging to the young, exquisite woman was gone. Not a single thing was left for him to cherish her by.
He laid down on his bed and buried his face in her pillow. He let out a shaky breath as he realized he was breathing in her scent. It was sweet and warm and he relished the way it swirled around him briefly, before it too disappeared.
Alone, in his quiet room, all pretense fell to the wayside as bitter, angry tears found their release. He wept for hours, as the winter sun made its slow descent in the sky, the light slowly ebbing away and casting his room in long, angled shadows.
The darkness came then, as it always does. It slowly enveloped him, pushing out all light and wonder and hope, until it swallowed him whole.
It was then that he realized with a sharp pang that letting her walk out those doors today was the easy part.
Living without her, his dearest friend, his soulmate, his other half, his very heart, that right there, that would be the hard part.