3.
(miłości potrzebna jest wolność)

The train was clacking lullingly. Josh would gladly give in to its melody, yet he had slept well enough last night and wasn't drowsy at all, so he just had to spend the journey awake. The scenery behind the window kept changing: from city to province, from lowland to hills, from fields and meadows to forest... Josh had been travelling for hours already, yet he sill had a long distance to cover. At some point, he was to change trains and, in the end, to get from the station to the hospital; the associate dean had said that the facility was situated a bit farther from the railway...

His thoughts, like many times so far, went to the aim of his journey. The town was called Sainte-Jeanne, as was the place of Josh's practice period; that was what he'd learned from the dean this morning. He'd been given a ticket, along with the promise he would be picked up from the station and delivered appropriately. Now that he was going through the country, many emotions were filling him. First, anxiety: he was heading for a completely new place, about to meet new people - and he was awaited and expected there. The thought itself wasn't unpleasant - it was a nice thing to know that one's presence was desired - but, simultaneously, made him nervous whether he would be able to meet those expectations. Wouldn't they feel disappointed with him? Wouldn't they find him unfit? On one hand, he knew he would do anything to satisfy them; on the other hand, he asked himself what a student could really do. Especially a student who had barely completed the second year and was so scatterbrained that he needed to turn to an associate dean in every matter... (At this, he was being absolutely unfair towards himself.) He must have been crazy to accept that offer; they would surely send him back home as soon as tomorrow...

However, some other part of him was very enthusiastic, as if he was going on a great adventure that could please him a lot. A practice in a provincial psychiatric hospital wasn't something that happened to an average person. No, certainly not. How could it be in such a hospital? The dean had said that the facility had been established in 19th century and was beautifully situated. Taking into consideration that Saint-Maurice Hospital resembled more a palace than a medical centre, Josh guessed at something else than a boxy modern building - but he really had no idea what. He needed to wait a few more hours and see with his own eyes; his imagination couldn't help him.

He rested the forehead against the window frame and stared at the scenery. This morning, the associate dean had appeared to be very pleased. Josh thought that maybe his chances to graduate had increased since he'd won the professor's favour. Of course, such thinking didn't do him much credit; he wanted to obtain university degree with his own effort, not due to sympathy of the authorities... yet he knew that one's own effort sometimes just wasn't enough, so it was a good thing to have some 'security'... No, it didn't sound good, either. Anyway, the associate dean seemed to be a nice person who cared about the students, and it was something Josh had been missing for last two years. Despite having completed the second year already, he still hadn't got used to that cold atmosphere of the university. Sure, he'd always considered himself an individualist who could perfectly manage on his own, yet he also liked to feel there was someone who cared about him. In Saint Grollo...

Ah, Saint Grollo! It was such a wonderful place, and in many aspects, too. He'd once heard the Grand Duke Argent's words that the man had said on some closed meeting and that, of course, had leaked to the public, 'In this outwardly strict and authoritarian school, the headmaster has created an environment that makes the place fun'. It was true. Maybe the teachers was demanding, and maybe the rules were rigid, yet a student had always been the most important and no-one would be left alone. That school was simply... fun, with no harm done. Well, the university did no harm either, but it only resulted from the complete lack of interest in students who were considered the adults and self-reliant. Maybe that fact that Josh still felt so nostalgic about his high school and was so reluctant towards his university, proved his immaturity. He really couldn't quite fancy himself stop missing Saint Grollo.

However, the Associate Dean Villeneuve (this morning, Josh had finally had a look at the nameplate next to the door of his office) seemed to be a man who did care. It made Josh think a bit more warmly about his school; now he could imagine spending three more years there... even if the thought of staying in Paris filled him with conflicting feelings. Yes, continuing his studies was the right way; just as it one had given some reason to his life, substitute as it was, it could support him now, too. Ah, he should have mentioned to the professor that he would need a room in the dormitory starting this autumn; if he was correct, it belonged to an associate dean's scope of duties... Well, he could do this after coming back.

However, listening to the clatter of the wheels, Josh thought he knew why he hadn't done it, even if it seemed a madness. Today, for the first time in many days, he'd waked up in a good mood. Well, maybe 'good' was too much; nevertheless, he was feeling lighter at heart, and that sorrow, recently overshadowing all his actions and thoughts, was gone. It was as if someone had told him, 'It will be fine," and calmed him down. Yes, it was the right description: calmed down. Josh felt calm, not apathy. He felt hope, not despair. He felt that he had life ahead of him and something good would still happen to him, not that everything had already ended.

He couldn't explain that impression. Maybe he'd seen some dream that had restored his self-assurance; he couldn't remember. Well, it was quite possible that his mind, with its experience of twenty years of life, of both good and bad things - and, recently, of several months of psychotherapy - had activated proper mechanisms and was seeking for a solution. It was helping Josh to react in a different - more beneficial and productive - way than before. Maybe he had managed to mature a bit, after all? To develop as a human...? It wasn't a bad idea.

Josh wondered what that could mean. That after four days in despair he had accepted Alain's leaving, decided to forget the man and tried to arrange his life without him? No, certainly not. He might be the most wretched being in the world, yet he was absolutely sure his feelings were much deeper than that. They weren't something that would disappear in just a few days. He still didn't want anything more than Alain coming here and taking him in his arms - and that desire was so strong it made him breathless. To tell the truth, he even thought that it would be more adequate to sit and despair, and long, and think only of Alain, withdraw into pain and simply suffer - but he already realized it was that malfunctioning part of him; that part he had once called romantic yet now could regard in a critical manner and consider defective. Now he could control it, could resist it, knowing that, had he given up, it wouldn't bring about anything good.

Or maybe, quite the opposite, he had believed that Alain would come back - even if there was no basis for doing so? Maybe he'd gained some irrational, unfounded hope it would just happen - and now was sticking to it without doubt? In that case, he suffered from psychosis himself, unable to tell the fantasy from reality. Right, he deluded it; that was a proper word. Still, he didn't consider it to be the case. He still couldn't think of what had happened without that pang in his chest. He still felt he'd been wronged more than anyone in the world and would give anything to make it unhappen. He knew... he was aware that Alain had left him. Denying the facts was pointless. Alain had left - for some reason.

And for some purpose.

It didn't mean, though, that he'd left for good and Josh would never see him again. Maybe that was the most important conclusion resulting from his current mood - or the reason behind it. That time, last Friday, he had reacted hysterically, immediately sinking into the abyss of the worst possibility - the one he'd always feared. Sure, he had all the right to do so... yet now, on Wednesday of the next week, he could regard the matter in a different way. They had experienced too much during last four years so that he could pass such judgement. Their relation had been built on mutual love, but also on hurting each other. There had been both good and bad times. There had been both partings and reunions. There had been moments they would act in a irresponsible and very immature manner. Now Josh thought that unconditional belief in promises like 'I'll always be with you' had been a mistake on his part - even though it sounded terrible, for he would rather not think anything in his relationship with Alain to be a mistake. Well, it was a mistake in that it prevented him from seeing Alain in a broader way. Maybe he needed another abandonment... no, another parting - he didn't believe Alain had intended to abandon him, not consciously - to finally see him in a better - more clear - light? Sure, love was blind - and so he had fallen a victim to that blindness - but now it was high time to stop it. How many times had he said that he'd accepted Alain with all aspects of his personality...? Well, it was probably true, but did it mean he had comprehended all those aspects? That he'd been aware of them? Now he doubted it. It was more probable that he'd preferred to know only what had appealed to him; it would fit his character the best.

While it was quite likely that Alain just couldn't help his urge to run away. 'He runs away whenever something's not to his liking," Mrs Corail had said. Josh should have learned by now that every person had a specific conduct they often couldn't help, couldn't influence. That modifying one's patterns of behaving or reacting was a hard work that could take many years, and with no guarantee of success. It had been a complete naivety on Josh's part to believe that promise of Alain - only because he had wanted to believe. Not that he planned to reproach himself for it; doing so would be pointless now, and he wanted to be tolerant for himself. However, he was glad for finally having understood that, for it gave him a possibility to grow up, provided a direction for him to take in order to work on himself. If he wanted to be with Alain, he had to accept that he wouldn't have him all the time. That their relationship would possibly look that way: Alain disappearing and then returning again. And, honestly, it seemed that Alain, too, had grown up a bit: this time he had left him a message, after all.

All that reflection was certainly constructive - terribly constructive - but at some point Josh realized tears had been rolling down his cheeks for a longer while, which made a woman occupying the opposite seat regard him with obvious disapproval. He wiped his eyes with his hand and resumed staring at the scenery outside the window, although he still couldn't see a thing. He would have to be made of stone in order to, less then one week after parting, be able to emotionlessly analyse how he felt towards Alain. Apart from that, it was not at all certain that Alain would really return. Josh felt a sudden urge to find him and explain the situation; however, now it was too late: he was sitting in the train taking him to Sainte-Jeanne, where he would spent at least one month. He had committed himself to it; even if not so long ago he would have not bothered with any obligations whenever it was love at stake, now he felt he couldn't do so. Besides... where should he look for? He had no idea where Alain might go, not in the slightest.

Still, he regretted not having left any message, in case Alain reappeared on rue Keller. Well, he wouldn't do anything about it now; he could, at the most, send a letter from the hospital, once he arrived there. He found it somewhat strange: to send a letter to the empty flat, but it was no time to think about what was strange. However, he suspected that Alain wouldn't be back so soon... although, at the same time, he hoped it wouldn't last three years, like previously. No, he couldn't think like that, otherwise he would start to cry again.

He got off on the station he was expected to change, and walked to the other platform to wait for the next train. He bought himself something to drink, for the weather was beautiful - that was, hot. Sitting on the bench and staring at the neat station building, he realized it was only second time that he travelled outside Paris in last year. In February, they'd been in the Alps, but apart from that they would stay in the city. Well, now Josh had an opportunity to do some sightseeing... No, it sounded awful, just as if he were looking for bright sides of current situation... On the other hand, maybe that was exactly what he should do: try to find some plus points, instead of focusing on negatives. They used to say, 'Travels broadened the mind,' and his journey was going to be very educative - although he still didn't know about it.

The train pulled in, and Josh found his seat. Soon, they were moving again, always due south. He took out a book and immersed in reading - he had yet to finish Introduction to Psychopathology, and besides he would certainly need to know more stuff than just psychoses - but he would look out every now and then. At first, it was mountainous, but then the land started to decline and widen. They would go through plains, pass fields, meadows and lakes bathed in the sunlight of May. This train made more stops; people got on and off on the smaller stations, until it was his turn when the conductor announced Sainte-Jeanne. Josh took his bag from the overhead luggage rack and moved to the exit. Soon, along with a few other passengers, he found himself on the platform, squinting in the light of late afternoon. Despite the time of day, it was really hot here, much more than in Paris, so putting anything else on was pointless; he was sweating all over in the shirt only.

Other people had scattered in various direction, but he was still standing there pretty confused. He was supposed to be received by someone... He looked around, but the platform was empty, with no-one fitting that role. He put the bag on the bench, wondering what to do. There were two options: either wait or try to organize himself a transport to the hospital. It couldn't be far... He grabbed his luggage again, ready to ask around the station; then, however, a young man ran onto the platform, waving at him from the distance.

"Joshua Or? From Paris?" the man called quite directly yet cheerfully before standing next to him. Josh nodded, not showing he was surprised to be greeted that way... while he shouldn't have. "I'm sorry, I'm late. You haven't been waiting long?" the man seemed anxious.

"No, I've only arrived," Josh replied truthfully, although there was no trace of the train any more.

"I won't make any excuses; I left to late," the man confessed. Josh assessed his age between twenty-five and thirty years. "I'm Etienne Morel, a nurse in Sainte-Jeanne," he added, stretching his hand.

Josh shook hands with him. "Joshua Or... a student," he said and tried to smile. It wasn't hard since Etienne made a nice impression on him. Then, however, he remembered he shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Not so long ago he'd met another young man who'd seemed to be nice, yet it'd ended in a dramatic way.

"That's all you have?" Etienne asked, looking at his bag and, when Josh confirmed, pointed backwards. "I have a car. Shall we go? All right then."

AS they waked towards a dusty, blue pick-up, Josh had a look at his companion. Etienne was quite tall, but not too tall, and quite slender, but not too slender. He had light-brown hair and eyes of a similar colour. Actually, he seemed a perfectly average person, at least outwardly, for Josh had no idea about his character. It quickly appeared that at least in the meaning of talkativeness Etienne is anything but average.

"Whenever I work on a night-shift, like this week, I have a problem with organizing my days," he said as they were already riding. "Actually, I only got up an hour ago," he added in an apologetic way.

Josh kept staring at the small houses in a city that seemed quite small itself. "It's all right, don't worry about that," he said distractedly. "The hospital is situated a bit from here, isn't it?" he asked.

"Yes, nearly ten kilometres from the town. You know, long ago they used to build such institutes out of the way, to provide the patients the best conditions... and, in reality, to make them not bother other people. The result is that no-one wants to work here," Etienne stated mockingly. "You've heard we have some personnel issues... Well, of course, you have; that's why you're here," he added not very tactfully, but Josh didn't hold it against him.

"I wonder what a student like me can help," he said involuntarily.

"And what do you know about this work?" came quite direct question.

Josh glanced at him and, in the end, said nothing. At that point, it seemed to him he knew absolutely nothing. That was bad; he shouldn't think like this right at the beginning. Besides, the associate dean had said, only this morning, that everything would be fine... However, the associate dean was some hundreds kilometres from here, in civilised Paris, while Josh was all alone here, in the wild province...

He shook his head. "Well, I'll manage somehow," he said energetically. "And I hope to be of some use to you."

"That's some good attitude," Etienne praised him, turning into another road that soon took them outside the town and amongst the fields and farms. As far as Josh could tell, they were heading east. "To tell the truth, I don't know the details of your coming here myself... How long are you going to be here?"

"As for that, our knowledge is similar," Josh replied with a smile. "At least one month... but it's not yet settled."

"One month is little," the man seemed troubled. "You will only learn how the hospital works, nothing more. And it won't solve out problems... But it's not something for you to worry about. It's the management to do something about it. Soon, there will be no-one to work here."

"How long has it been like that?" Josh asked shyly.

"Not too long... Well, I'm not sure," Etienne replied with a shrug. "Maybe the field is no longer interesting... Mental health care has been evolving quite much recently... Maybe the current state isn't appealing to people, I don't know... Or maybe it's only that hardly anyone wants to work in such a remote place. People go to the big cities. Our old workers retire, and there are no new to fill the void. You might've heard that one ward had to be shut, for there was no staff enough to run it...? But it's only a temporary solution; soon the situation will worsen again... Besides, it can be that we, the personnel, are at fault, too. We should've raised the alarm long ago... made the management realize that the disaster would occur if nothing were done... We didn't, and now it's too late..."

They talked about that for a while... actually, Josh listened to Etienne's comments. In a proper moment - his driver fell silent as they approached the crossroads - he threw in, "Then, we're heading for the hospital now, aren't we? I suppose it's a whole... complex? Is it where I'm going to stay?"

"Ah, complex. It's a right word," Etienne approved it. "Yes, the personnel quarters are situated there. Of course, many people live in the town, some even live outside Sainte-Jeanne and commute... Admirable verve, isn't it? Well, staying in the quarters is a good solution for those who want to save money. Sure, we pay the water and energy bill, but that's all... and the salary is pretty good, too. The bigger problem is spending that money, for we hardly get any holiday, with the situation like this," he added mockingly.

Josh thought it would be a good occasion to get used to live in such kind of lodging before returning to the dorms. But he didn't feel like thinking about it now and instead asked, "What about the hospital itself? It's quite big, isn't it?"

"Yes, it has about thirty buildings..." Josh stared at him in disbelief. "I mean, most of them are not in use," Etienne rushed to explain. "It was built over hundred years ago, and the standards were different then. You'll see it yourself... At present, we use only the main building; all three wards are situated in it. The wards for mood disorders were in the separate pavilion, but it's closed now."

"You've said only one ward was shut...?" Josh noticed. "Then... what about the patients with depression... Where do you treat them now?"

Etienne cast a quick glance at him before looking at the road again. "Well, in that case, I must explain the organization of the hospital to you... You'll be pretty confused, but so be it," he said. "Normally, for many years now, we've had four wards: two for psychoses and two for mood disorders, one acute and one long-term for each diagnosis. Now, that an emergency reorganisation was needed, they did some changes to the profiles of the wards. The long-term for psychoses and long-term for mood disorders were left intact, but the other two were united, creating simply an acute ward that takes all new patients regardless of the diagnosis. Physically, it functions in the space of acute psychoses ward, in the main building, so don't be surprise if you hear people calling it 'Psychoses 1', out of habit... As for the long-term mood disorders, it would be uneconomic to leave only one ward in the separate pavilion, so it was also moved into the main building, on empty floor where long ago some other ward used to be situated. Isn't it too confusing?"

"Nah..." Josh replied, thoughtful. Actually, it sounded quite modern to him; in Saint-Maurice, patients were also allocated by their diagnosis, so maybe Sainte-Jeanne hospital wasn't as provincial he'd imagined...? "I still follow. But isn't it a problem: to treat all those patients together? I mean, psychotic and depressed patients...? Those are completely different diseases..."

"I guess no... At least, they've been no troubles so far," Etienne replied. "I heard that there are 'general psychiatric wards' in many hospitals, where no-one's bothered by a patient's diagnosis. They must have quite a pother there... yet they manage, don't they? Ah, we're here."

For some time now, they had been riding an alley lined with great trees; it ended with a splendid stone gate - or disappeared inside it. 'Sainte-Jeanne Hospital' was carved in a stone with elegant letters. To the side hung several plates that seemed newer and more official, although Josh didn't manage to have a better look on them. The gate was situated in a wall surrounding a huge park; building could be seen in the distance. Etienne hadn't exaggerated: it was an enormous area - and delighting. They followed the main road that had smaller turn-offs as well as walking paths with numerous benches. Once, the park must have been maintained on a regular basis; now it was overgrown with grass and wild flowers, but it impressed Josh nonetheless - maybe even more if there'd been well tended flower beds and perfectly trimmed lawns. Here and there in the greenness, he could spot sculptures, arbours, fountains, and other architectonic forms their meaning being obscure; all that contributed to the general atmosphere of this place. Josh was enchanted right away.

Etienne let him admire the scenery; he even slowed down, but it could as well be due to speed limit. "It was intended as a sanatorium for the upper class..." Josh heard his voice after a moment of silence. "Its main customers were ladies suffering from various ailments of spirit, who would come here to calm their nerves and regain their strength. Later, when the social structure started to change and the mental health care began to develop, the facility was reorganized into an asylum. As I said, most buildings have been long forsaken; it's unlikely that they will be used again. Sooner or later, all of that is going to fall into ruin and will have to be pull down..."

"Pity," Josh replied in a soft voice, looking at the pavilions; each of them seemed a separate work of art, despite the obvious signs of abandonment.

The windows were reflecting the sunlight, if it only managed to get through the thick layer of leaves. Josh looked up at the mighty trees that must have grown here for decades, probably longer, maybe from the very start, and saw birds moving in their crowns. He realized that this place was still alive, even though its glory was a matter of past.

"It's really beautiful here," he said.

"So it is..." Etienne agreed with him. "But now that beauty turns against us," he added somewhat bitterly. "There's no-one to take care of the vegetation. Never mind the neglected lawns... but if a tree rots, it may be dangerous. A specialist comes every now and then to inspect it... Well, it's the same thing with the buildings: they don't look like they're about to crumble, but everyone knows it's better to stay away from them, to say nothing about entering."

"Are the patients allowed to go outside?" Josh asked, thinking it would be a shame if they weren't. He was of the opinion that the very scenery could work as a healing factor here.

"Some, of course, are; it depends on one's condition. Unfortunately, there are many that can't be let out alone, and there's not enough nurses to keep them company, so they are forced to stay inside all the time."

"Can't they move around with their families?"

"Sure they can! The problem is that quite a few has any family, that's the sad truth of the psychiatry... It is common that the family stays home and enjoys the peace, after its problematic member was finally taken to hospital. It may sounds cruel, but such is the reality, you just have to accept that," Etienne said, and anger in his voice contrasted with resignation of his statement. "But some patients do have their important ones here. One of the buildings acts as a hotel for visitors. For a small fee, they can stay here during their relative's hospitalization. It's been possible for years now."

"That's good."

"Here is the main building," Etienne pointed at the multi-storey edifice of pale stone, that seemed to be situated in the very centre of the property; they'd been heading towards it from the beginning. It was probably the biggest building of the hospital, with two wings turning at a right angle from the central part; it could hold eight, maybe even ten wards, assuming that one ward occupied half of the floor. They rode past it, and the nurse showed another house, much smaller, "Here is administration; you'll find the offices of the director and head nurse here. You are to meet with the director tomorrow morning," he remembered.

Josh nodded. Etienne turned into another road between the trees, and soon they arrived at the long, three-storey building quite close to the outer wall of the hospital. "Here is where we live," the nurse said, pulling up near the front door. "I hope you don't mind such accommodation?" he asked, although it was rather too late.

"Not at all," Josh shook his head. "I used to live in a dormitory during my junior high and high school. And for the first year at the university."

"Well, I think the conditions are slightly better here," Etienne said as they were climbing the stairs. "Every room has a bathroom, so you'll have more privacy. Besides, I don't think you're going to meet many people here. First, many flats are empty; second, nursing staff works in two shifts, from seven 'till seven, and you're probably going to work from eight 'till four, so we're going to miss each other. Speaking of it..." he glanced at his watch in this quite dim corridor, "I have to leave. I'm going to only show you the room... I think it's this one... Yes, twenty five."

He opened the door and entered, and Josh followed. The flat consisted of one - quite big - room and a bathroom. It was modest, but clean and bright, and that was all Josh needed. Warm air was coming through the open window, but the room seemed to face north, so it wouldn't be too hot inside. He knew right away he would feel good here.

He put his bag on the bed and turned to Etienne. "Thanks," he said. "I don't want to hold you. I'll be fine."

The nurse nodded. "Don't forget about the meeting with the director at eight," he reminded. "You won't get lost, going on foot, right?"

"I won't," Josh replied; his sense of direction had always been good, and the way was simple.

"The key is in the lock," Etienne looked back distractedly. "Ah, right... Of course, I forgot the most important thing. We haven't done you any shopping... But don't worry. You'll find the kitchen in the corridor." He waved backwards. "We live on the same floor, with a few other people. Help yourself with anything you'll find in the fridge. You shouldn't stay hungry because of my forgetfulness. Tomorrow we'll go to the town and get some groceries," he promised. "Now I have to go. See you tomorrow! We'll run into each other somehow!" he called from the corridor, and then only his steps on the stairs could be heard.

Josh hadn't even managed to ask what the number of Etienne's room was... Well, as the nurse had said: they would run into each other somehow. He moved the key to the inner hole and shut the door, then approached the window and looked outside. Etienne's pick-up was heading back towards the main building, its throb ringing in the air for a while, but soon it faded into silence of early evening. Josh rested his elbows on a frame and stared at the scenery, realizing again it was an incredibly beautiful place. The area was bathed in a warm sunlight that was flickering on the leaves and being reflected in the distant window panes. The air was fresh, smelling of trees and flowers. The atmosphere of peace and safety was almost palpable.

Josh thought that every psychiatric hospital should look like this... and that he might be able to regain his balance here. Suddenly, he felt irrational urge to stay here and never go back to Paris, even though he didn't know a thing about this place... However, he was already aware that returning to reality might prove a difficult task. Yes, to reality - for now he was in some land that had nothing to do with the real world.

He shook his head and straightened up. Strange thoughts occurred to him... He'd come here to work and would begin tomorrow. He should prepare himself for that - unpack his luggage, take a bath, eat something... He was quite tired after a long travel, so he would go to bed early. He should better get enough sleep if he were to meet with the director as soon as eight... and probably start his duties right away since he'd been needed so desperately... He opened the bag in order to take out his clothes and froze again, looking around the room. It was really nice here, even though the furniture had obviously been used before. A table with two chairs, a wardrobe, and a chest of drawers. The white net curtains and quite old-fashioned dark curtains. A carpet on the floor. A fancy chandelier and a small bedside lamp witha shade. Probably many generations of hospital personnel had been living here... Yes, he would definitely enjoy staying here for the next month... or longer.

He resumed his occupation, but the opened window kept disturbing his focus. In the end, he sighed, left the half-unpacked bag on the bed and gave in to the temptation. Soon, he was walking amongst the great trees in the park, his heart filled with various emotions. He realized he was very touched, but didn't think of it; this one time he let himself only feel, not analyse. For the first time in a longer while, he felt simply good.

Love needs freedom - Maanam, "Miłość jest jak opium"