Let me formally apologize. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I have no excuses. This month has been crazy. I was literally sick for two whole days and yet I was too lazy to write and update. I just watched Better Call Saul (which is a great show btw) and I just read some more fanfic. I had some serious writer's block. But now it's spring break and I'm not doing anything. And now I finally had some inspiration. Well what's done is done. Now this chapter is kinda long I guess. I'm not very proud of it either. It's alright I guess.
Well anyway I hope you like it!
Shaking.
The fact that Master was shaking was not good. Not at all.
He remembered the last time Master shook from anger, and he remembered only being in pain. That was the last time that he ever disobeyed his Master.
And now Master was shaking. Again.
Not good.
Shaking means anger. Anger means pain. Pain means failure. Ren cringed and his body tensed, knowing that the pain was sure to come. But it wasn't pain. It was something else.
Hands.
The hands were everywhere and he could feel them all over his body. They were like snakes, coiling themselves around his exposed form. He was helpless. He didn't like it. They pulled and tugged and pushed and stretched and yanked and pinched and and and-.
Voices. Too many voices. Voices to the hands.
And the noise. This was not his Master's doing. Master did not use techniques like this on him.
Is this worse?
The noise was relentless. It pounded against his eardrums and reverberated against the inside of his skull. They wouldn't stop.
Shouting.
That's what he heard. Just shouting.
He didn't know what, or who, they were shouting at, but he didn't want to find out.
Failure.
Punishment.
Disappointment.
Suffering.
He felt his hands press against his ears, but it didn't help. He could still hear them. Still feel them.
"Get off get off GET OFF!" Ren shouted at the unknown. But they didn't stop. They pulled at his arms and legs, but Ren wouldn't submit.
He wouldn't let them win. Not this time.
Ren peeled his eyes open but was met with sheer white light. Ren cringed at the sudden brightness, but as his pupils slowly adjusted, he began to see blurred faces. He didn't like those disfigured faces. They wanted to hurt him. To punish him. To torture him.
Ren blindly used the force against his attackers to push them away from him. But it seemed like the more he pushed them away, the more them kept on coming back.
Torture.
Punishment.
Pain.
Hands.
Noise.
Breath breath breath.
But he noticed that he couldn't breath.
He tried to. He felt the air travel into his lungs, but they were not satisfied- like a balloon with a million holes. No matter how much he air he blew into it, the balloon would never blow up.
He started to panic. Breath breath breath BREATH!
Not enough air. Not enough oxygen. Not enough anything.
His initial panic increased tenfold. He was sweating; he could feel it collect and run down his jawline and fall down from his chin. He could feel it snaking down his spine, making him shiver. Some of it slipped into his gaping mouth. It tasted like salt.
Too much.
Too much!
BREATHBREATHBREATHBREATH
His throat constricted. His chest heaved involuntarily but something in his throat closed off. His body jerked from the strain. He couldn't breath.
His extremities trembled and wouldn't stop shaking. The already blurred figures hovering in his eyesight were becoming even more unfocused. Spots of colors danced before his eyes as darkness began to creep around the edges of his vision.
I'm dying.
Ren felt his body begin to go limp. The people around him were screaming now. The hands were still all over his body, but he didn't care. He didn't mind.
He laid there and watched the ghosts flutter around frantically before his eyes began to droop down on their own free will. He didn't mind that he was dying. He didn't mind that he was leaving that horrible world. He didn't mind leaving his mother. He just didn't care. Not anymore at least. He wanted it all to stop. He didn't see the point. He couldn't take any more of it. The never ending mantra stopped for once in his life.
I'm free he thought before he went unconscious.
~oOo~
Laryngospasm (luh-RING-go-spaz-um) is a brief spasm of the vocal cords that temporarily makes it difficult to speak or breathe. The onset of vocal cord spasms is usually sudden, and the breathing difficulty can be alarming. However, the problem is not life-threatening, and it's generally brief and self-correcting.
That's what the medical droids had spewed out at Leia once they brought Ben back to the medical wing. She didn't care that it was temporary. She didn't care that it was not life-threatening. Hell, she didn't care that it would most likely never happen (to that extent at least) again. Leia only cared about what had caused the episode.
-most likely, in his case, caused by extreme stress or anxiety.
Extreme stress or anxiety. Her baby Ben, so stressed out and anxious enough for him to have a panic attack and cause a spasm that closed off his throat.
It was not fair.
Why did everything in my life get so screwed up?
Leia could have blamed Han easily. Han should have sold the Millennium Falcon and they all should have settled on some nice, quiet planet- not drifting from place to place. He should have seen the signs. Han should have known that there was something off with their son. He should have talked with Ben and tried to determine the problem (and soon the solution). He should have been the father that Ben deserved.
Leia could have also blamed Luke. He was the one that couldn't help Ben. He said that he could help-no, fix- him, but he didn't. If anything he might have made Ben worse. Ben would have been a Jedi, however Luke had to screw it all up. He must not have paid close enough attention to her Ben. Or Luke didn't try hard enough. Or Luke just didn't care.
But Leia knew that it was not Luke's fault. She knew that he was not the one to blame. He was trying to train a new generation of Jedi to bring peace to the galaxy for the future. He couldn't have spent his entire time looking after one Padawan.
Neither was it Han's fault. He didn't know what to do with a rebellious son. He didn't know how to handle a family. He was too used to the constant flying, smuggling, and instability that came with being a single man. He didn't know the first thing to "settling down". And Leia should have known that it would be hard for him to transition.
In all honesty, the one that Leia blamed the most was herself. She should have paid attention to the signs. She should have helped him through his tough times. She should have known that Ben could not be cured by sending him off to her brother.
I'm a pathetic mother.
Yes, she blamed herself for everything. For Ben. For her marriage. For Han's death. She could not get it out of her head. There were too many What Ifs. But she knew that nothing could change the past. What's been done is done.
And now, because of her, she was sitting in the medical wing next to her son. Leia dropped her head into her trembling hands and pressed her palms into her tired eyes. Colors exploded for a moment until she dragged her hands down her face, sighing in the process. Her hair unwillingly came undone from her bun and rested on her face. Her clothes were days old and looked raggedy. She felt gross. She felt wrong. She felt defeated. Leia leaned back in her chair and let her head hang off the edge. She couldn't take this kind of stress anymore. She closed her eyes.
"Hey mom, now look at this one!" Ben yelled over his shoulder as he tugged at Leia's hand with his own. His laughter was caught by the subtle breeze that cascaded down the mountain. They were on some distant planet that Leia had not even known existed. Han was there "doing business" (whatever that meant) and she and Ben were left wandering around the mountainside until Han was done. At first, Leia was not too keen on leaving the Millennium Falcon and exploring the unknown planet, however her son was all too excited.
Leia followed her son to a small opening in the brush. He pulled her down and they both crouched on the rocky ground. Ben's breathing was fast and it rustled Leia's hair like the wind did.
"Look" Ben whispered, pulling some branches and vegetation aside to reveal what laid ahead.
Leia gasped. Beyond was a ravine that spanned for miles. It was truly beautiful. Green, purple, yellow- so many colors were visible. The suns were starting to go down, and as they did, they had cast a warm glow onto the land. Waterfalls spilled and flowed at the bottom and ran into the unknown. Animals cooed and sang beneath the vegetation, mixing in with the far-away sounds of the spilling water. It was so peaceful.
Ben turned to his mother and gave her a toothy grin, "Isn't it beautiful?"
Leia pulled her son to her side and guided his head to the crook of her neck. She put her lips to the top of his head; smelling his clean hair as she kissed him lightly. She rested her head on top of his as they both returned their gaze back to the ravine. She whispered, "Yes, yes it is Ben."
Leia opened her eyes and let them fall back onto her son. The bandages that were wrapped around his head for his right eye were replaced simply with gauze and tape. The surrounding area was covered with purple and blue bruises. His midriff and shoulder wounds had been reopened after the events that took place those many hours ago, and they had to be closed yet again. However, they too were starting to recover quickly. Leia ghosted her hands across Ben's pale face- not daring to touch his fragile form in case it shattered beneath her fingers. Just like everything else in my life has.
Leia did not want to think about how pale Ben was, nor how black in hair seemed in contrast with his skin. She didn't want to think about how her son's body was too skinny and underweight. She didn't want to acknowledge the many scars and bruises that littered his back and chest. She didn't want to accept the fact that her one and only son was tortured and inhumanely treated during his time with Snoke.
She should have known. She should have known that something like this would have happened while her son was with one of the most vilest men in the galaxy. She should have known and she should have stopped it.
But it was too late. The damage was done. And she couldn't do anything about it but just wait and treat it.
~oOo~
Dark.
Too dark.
Breath.
Cold.
Too cold.
Breath.
He could feel it licking his body; sending him into hopeless oblivion.
He couldn't see. He couldn't feel. He couldn't hear. All of his senses were taken away from him. Well, almost all of his senses. He could still taste. But all that was there to taste was the cold sweat that ran into his mouth and the slight hint of blood that always seemed to be present. He hated salt. He hated blood. He hated red. He hated darkness. He hated the cold. He hated the room that he was in. He hated being vulnerable. Breath breath breath.
Stop being childish! Snoke brought you in and saved you! He did not have to do that. But he chose you, out of everyone else. He saw something in you that was special. He took you in and is training you to become more powerful than any other. He is trying to teach you to be respective and to follow orders. He doesn't want you to fail. He wants you to succeed.
Then why is he (breath) doing this to me? Why does he laugh at my pain? Why does he not help me? Why does he not care? Why does he hurt me?
He couldn't take it- mentally, emotionally, or physically. He wanted to go back to his family. He wanted to be back on the Millennium Falcon helping his father with the repairs as his parents bickered about the state that the ship was in. He wanted his mother to hold him again like she did when he was little.
Stop acting like a child! You are older, wiser, better, stronger. You should not be acting like a five year old. Breath breath!
But he wanted to be back. He couldn't handle it anymore. He didn't care anymore. He silently cried himself to sleep. He knew, deep down inside, that his longing- his hope- would never become reality. He would never be saved. He would never be comforted like he used to when he was younger. His family will never come for him because they didn't want him anymore. They hated him.
And he didn't blame them because he hated himself.
That night he felt something break inside of him, and it had never been repaired since.
Ren could feel himself beginning to wake and his awareness to take hold. He didn't fight it, since he knew that he would not win. He never won. His eyelids slowly lifted and he found that he was staring at a ceiling. A different ceiling than before. Memories flashed before his eyes. I was dying.
"I'm supposed to be dead" he croaked to himself. He wanted to move, but he found that his limbs were securely restrained. He pulled on the restraints, trying to use his anger to summon the force to get him out of his predicament. However, he was too weak. Ren slumped back into the bed.
Tired. So tired. Why can't I just sleep forever and not be bothered?
The sudden noises woke Leia up from her brief slumber. She looked down at her now conscious son, who had his eyes and face scrunched up.
"Ben are you-" Leia began, however her son's reaction to her voice made her stop.
Ren snapped his eyes open and violently flinched at the noise. Close. Too close! His eyes focused on the form looming over him, however he realized that it was his mother. He let out his breath that he didn't know that he was holding and let some of the tension go. However he was still skeptical. Don't show weakness. Breath.
Leia ignored her son's reaction and continued, "Ben, are you feeling better? Are you in pain?"
Ren did not like that she was looking down on him. It reminded him of other things. Past things. Breath. Before his past started flashing before his eyes, Ren pushed through the pain and forced himself into a sitting position. I will not have her looking down on me. Not again. Not like last time. Breath.
He did not answer the questions. He did not want to speak the truth. He did not want to do anything. He gritted through clenched teeth, "Leave."
Leia sighed and got up from her chair. She knew it was a lost cause. The creaking of the weight being lifted from the wood made Ren slightly cringe, but he paid no attention to it. She asked, "Do you need anything?"
Ren did not answer. She did not expect him to answer. She padded her way up the door and looked back to her only son. His hair covered his face and hung limply from his bowed head. His fingers preoccupied themselves in the material of the blankets. He looked so young. So small.
"If you need anything, just signal me with the remote by the bed. I'm here for you, Ben" Leia said, turning to leave.
She wanted to believe that she heard something. She wanted to believe that Ben looked up at her. She wanted to be sure that as she walked out the door, she heard a faint whisper from her son. Something so quiet that she almost couldn't hear it. She could have sworn that she heard a broken "Thank you". But she wasn't sure.
Instead, she left the room, walking down the halls with a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. She might not be sure that he had said anything at all, but she could always believe. She could always hope.
And that was enough.
Okay wait hold on, can I just say how crazy these primaries are? They're a mess! I don't want to start anything and I don't want to get into any fights about political ideology so I won't say anything rash. If you do want to talk about it with me, you can PM me because I have some very strong views (I'm a liberal by the way). Well enough about that. I plan on updating soon, and I hope everyone liked the chapter. It's kind of flat but hey deal with it. Also, I exaggerated a little about Laryngospasm. If anyone has it, don't get angry. I just needed some whump. However, the definition, symptoms, and causes of it are true (I looked it up).
Anyway, this is really long, and I just want to remind you all to follow, favorite, and leave a review! I love critical reviews, but mean ones are just uncalled for.