12.
(yakusoku nado iranai)

It took Josh several minutes to come down on earth and remember he was about to go to work. Without thinking, he dragged astonished Alain along - after nearly one month of separation, he didn't want to part with him even for a moment - and ran to Madame Montagne's office to beg for a day off because 'he had an important guest from Paris'. He planned to shamelessly use to his advantage Madame's belief he worked too much... but, then again, he should have been on a leave this week, shouldn't he? Madame gave him a stern look yet agreed - on the condition he introduced that important guest to her. Thus, Josh asked Alain inside, without explaining the degree of their relation, but the glance Madame cast at him, told him clearly she guessed it nonetheless. Well, taking into account the fact that Josh was quite beaming, it would be hard not to guess.

"Where would you like to go?" Josh asked somewhat helplessly once they were on the sunny yard again. "What would you like to do?"

Alain said nothing, only shook his head, and something in Josh leapt at that sight. After a moment, he identified that sensation as happiness that to Alain it was all the same; that only Josh's presence mattered to him... He grabbed his hand and headed for the more secluded part of the park. He felt like staying outside, and the hospital ground had plenty places that made it possible to be in the two without worrying that someone might interrupt them. They walked towards one of them: a retreat by the wall enclosing Sainte-Jeanne hospital, covered by the lilac bushes.

They sat down on the grass, side by side... but then Alain pulled him towards himself, and the next moment Josh was lying on his chest, embraced by those arms that he would gladly stay in for ever. He closed his eyes and gave in to the feeling of perfect bliss. It had been too long since the last time... but he didn't want to recollect it, for only 'now' mattered.

"We've become awfully romantic," he murmured on impulse.

"You don't seem to mind it, though," Alain whispered in reply.

"I don't, not at all," Josh said, shaking his head. "I'm glad you're with me again."

"Are you?"

Astonished, Josh raised his eye-lids and looked in Alain's face and his green eyes that were so close he could see that dark spot between the eyelashes. He loved him so much this moment - and when hadn't he, really? - that affection seemed to burst him from inside. What Alain had said, sounded like a joke.

"I am. Have you doubted it?"

Alain blinked, averted his eyes and then looked at him again. "But I... I treated you wrongly," he said so quietly that it was actually a whisper.

Josh overcame an urge to stroke his cheek. "Well, true, disappearing without a trace for a month isn't anything nice..." he replied with faked indifference. "Especially for a person left behind... But, as you can see, I survived."

Alain blinked again. "I'm not tal-" he started and then frowned. "Without a trace? I did leave a message."

Josh gave him an intent look. "If you're referring to Mrs Bonnet... Our poor neighbour got an illness attack right after meeting you and she managed to tell me only that you'd had to left and I shouldn't look for you. Then she was taken to hospital and, eventually, forgot altogether that you'd had that talk," he explained in the same voice as before. To tell the truth, he could talk about it without emotion. It had happened and couldn't be undone.

"Then you didn't know the most important thing," Alain said quietly, with anger and... despair.

"Which is?" Josh asked, although he could guess the answer.

"That I would be back."

Josh smiled contentedly. "Well... At some point I assumed that myself. I couldn't..." He paused. Should he say it? But why not? "I can't imagine living without you... so I preferred to selfishly believe that you would return sooner or later."

Alain's face contorted. "After all that, you would still think so...?"

Now it was Josh's turn to blink. He was under the impression they encountered those familiar problems in communication that usually led to wrong conclusions... but today, here and now, he had that safe feeling they were able to clear everything out.

"After all that...? Which means what, exactly? You know, it seems to me we talk about different things again," he said provocatively. "Actually, I never understood why you had disappeared, in the first place..." Yes, that was the greatest mystery here, but he hoped he would finally solve it. "You can... Maybe you'd like to tell me everything...?" he suggested in a kind voice that fitted that situation more than anything, and the next moment, on another impulse, he reached up and brushed Alain's hair aside.

Like many times before, Alain took his hand and kissed its inside, and Josh thought he was glad he was no longer the only romanticist here. Somewhat bewildered, he asked himself how he could ever consider himself an unhappy man... Alain hugged him closer and began to talk, and Josh closed his eyes again and delighted in his touch and voice... his presence - but he was listening intently nonetheless.

When the story was finished, he kept lying in the silence filled with rustle of leaves, chirping of sparrows and buzzing of insects bustling over the flowers. Two emotions struggled in him: one was disbelief that Alain could think something like that; the other was a silent resignation that it was Alain, in every inch. Josh couldn't resist the impression that there was no-one that the proverb 'to change a fly into an elephant' suited better. So that was what had concerned him so much? An issue that Josh had managed to forget and that mattered nothing to him? No wonder it hadn't even occurred to him when he'd tried - unsuccessfully - to figure out the reason behind Alain's disappearance...

How should he react now? He couldn't say, 'You're a total moron,' although it was the first thing that came to his mind. Still, it was hard to find any wise words, especially that he felt too relaxed to demand any effort of his brain - so he postpone that moment, reaching up and kissing Alain gently, which was an effort on its own, but only physical.

Alain, however, was still despondent. "I hurt you," he whispered.

"Don't think about it," Josh replied, looking at him seriously and trying to assure him of his feelings. Now that Alain had started, it was easier to address his declamation. "It was a disease, nothing to speak of. I mean," he checked himself. "Not that I liked it, not at all... No-one likes it when their beloved person suddenly jumps them and screams, 'I'll kill you!' I'm not saying I want it to happen again," he stressed.

Alain looked at him with a frown, his face expressing an obvious repulsion... towards himself. And pain. Ugh, Josh might have been too cruel in his frankness and choice for words... However, he was of the opinion that it was better to call the terrible things by their names than running away from them.

"Yet I don't know if it won't happen again," Alain said in a strangled voice. "If I were stronger... if I were a better man, I would stay away from you. In order to protect you... from my other self."

Now it was Josh who frowned. "It wouldn't make you a better man. Rather worse, for you would deprive me of yourself," Josh replied in a warning voice. "Besides, I think that if you love someone, then you accept both his good and bad sided," he added philosophically. "In this case, literally."

Alain blinked. "Are you not afraid?" he asked quietly.

"Not really. I just don't assume anything like to certainly happen again. If you please, you may call it lack of imagination," Josh replied lightly.

"Or courage," Alain decided. "You're by nature someone who's hardly ever scared of anything, aren't you?" he added with respect.

"I guess so," Josh replied with satisfaction, but he felt somewhat guilty about not being concerned enough, especially when Alain obviously suffered... However, he felt too good and didn't want to fall into depressive notes. He simply had to convince Alain that there was no need to worry... that everything would be fine, just as he believed. That what they needed was faith and hope, not fear.

"I am scared."

"In that case, I just have to be brave for us both," Josh said with a smile. "Besides... The doctor told you the same we'd already heard from Dr Sellier: that a healthy lifestyle reduces the risk of those- the possibility that something like that happens again. Therapy isn't a bad idea, either," he added, somewhat happy that now he could importune Alain for going to therapy. "Personally, I think it's a very good idea," he said in a suggestive manner.

He felt somewhat disappointed when Alain nodded, saying. "Yes, I want to have it."

Well, he couldn't treat it as his victory... It only proved that Alain was much more mature since he wouldn't argue or try to evade things that he could only benefit from.

"You'll see, the therapy is nice," Josh replied distractedly. "I'm sure everything will be fine. That everything... yeah, will be fine," he repeated. "With us," he emphasised.

Alain gave him an intent look, as if he still found it hard to believe his words. No, Josh wouldn't achieve anything with buoyancy and sole optimism... He sat up and turned to him, so that they were now facing each other. This position seemed better for a serious conversation... although he'd gladly stay in Alain's arms, relishing that sweet feeling of being together he'd been deprived of for so long... He sighed. He wanted to do something that would make that terrible self-hatred disappear from Alain's face. He grabbed his both hand and squeezed to comfort him.

"Yes, with us, for I believe in our future," he said, aware that his words sounded quite high-flown, but maybe it was what Alain needed now. "Frankly, we should have a talk. We should explain things. Reach some conclusions, find a constructive way to cope with each other... but it's no use doing it," he stated with some defeat. "I... I am terribly bad in such things, I prefer to focus on the moment... And when everything is fine, I don't feel like... I don't feel any need to discuss the serious matters," he confessed. "And besides... It won't do. Life writes the scenarios itself, and sometimes we can do nothing about it. We just have to be prepared that everything may happen." He squeezed Alain's hands again. "I think this is the right approach, though it took me a while to realise it. It took me a while to understand that dwelling on my own sorrow won't help a thing, even less would blaming you or bearing a grudge."

He mused over it before going on. "What good it will bring if I tell you that, after you disappeared, I became totally depressed and spent three days in bed? At least I didn't try to jump off the Eiffel Tower, so it's some progress," he added with a smile.

"That's not funny," Alain responded, frowning even more.

Josh, however, continued. "Or that I was mad at you and felt betrayed because you'd broken your promise... Sure, those are quite normal emotions... but there's no point stopping at them. One just has to overcome them and move forward. I think you should do the same," he said, looking Alain in the eye. "Leave behind what is bad... come to terms with it, accept it... give yourself a chance to be happy."

Alain nodded slowly, which gladdened Josh a lot.

"And there's still many good things waiting for you," he said. "You know, sometimes I'm under the impression that nothing happens without a reason. If not for what happened in Paris, I wouldn't have come here, I wouldn't have experienced so much good things here. I'm going to tell you about it..." he added with a shy smile. "In any case, I want to tell you that such is life. With many good and bad things. It's important to focus on those good, like that you're here with me now."

Alain observed him silently - his face still contorted - but squeezed his hands back. "Then, you still want me?" he asked in a strangled voice.

Josh suppressed his sigh. It was somewhat boring... "And what is it that I tried to tell you for last fifteen minutes, delivering all those wise things?" he said, smiling more. "I don't want anyone but you," he stated the obvious.

"Why me?" Alain asked completely seriously.

Josh stared at him in disbelief... and then shrugged. "I have no idea," he replied. "Ask my heart."

"You're shifting responsibility," Alain said with his brows knitted... but the corners of his lips twitched, for the first time during this conversation.

That sight gave Josh a funny feeling in his chest. "I suppose so," he agreed with a wide smile. "I want you... because it's you. It's impossible to rationalise one's feelings... but, of course, I can think up thousand of reasons, if you are free and want to listen to them... On the other hand, such inquiring does no credit to your modesty," saying that, he winked. "But seriously now..." He raised to his knees and moved his mouth closer to Alain's temple. "If you still don't believe that I want you... maybe I should prove it to you this way..." He whispered the suggestion to is ear. "Or this..." He resisted the temptation to use his lips to brush the pink lappet beneath the brown, soft hair. "Or this..."

Alain budged... and then turned his head and, before Josh managed to react, kissed him. Right, tempting Alain used to lead to it, Josh remembered. But he could congratulate himself, for he managed to get Alain out of that gloomy mood. In fact, it was the best - and age-old - method to make up and forget all harms, he realised, although gathering the thoughts became somewhat difficult... Soon, however, he ceased thinking at all, for his body was set on fire when Alain slipped his fingers into his hair and pulled his head closer, and sank into a kiss that made Josh see stars. He'd long since closed his eyes, for the scenery had lost whole meaning and wasn't worth looking at.

Well, at least it was clear that Alain still wanted him, too - for one could have some doubts earlier, after all those questions and particular reserve of his... Josh felt he was melting - from the heat their bodies radiated... from the touch of moist lips on his own... from the touch of tongue, its every move, even the lightest one, sending sparks down his spine. He moaned, completely certain he would lose control any moment - but hadn't it happened already? - and tried to move away... to take his breath... to get a grip on the situation... but Alain only cupped his face tighter and sink into him so hard that Josh involuntarily thought he would break his neck, although, simultaneously, he felt such a bliss he thought he would explode soon.

Never breaking the kiss, Alain moved his hands onto his neck, then shoulders, then back, and then embraced his waist and pulled closer - so that there was not a single inch of a space between them. No, Josh could have no doubts - and it set him ablaze even more. It was no wonder; he'd spent a whole month far from Alain... and Alain was the only one who could appease this longing... satisfy this need the only way it deserved. He pressed himself against Alain, giving him mark... begging... for, at this stage, he could no longer express his desire in words, and besides his mouth was occupied... Alain, however, could read that desire very well, and the next moment Josh felt two hands on his clavicles when Alain began to unbutton his shirt. Josh could barely stay in a vertical position, for it seemed to him the whole world was spinning... He wanted nothing more than fall with Alain onto the grass, wrap his legs around him and become one...

Onto the grass? For some reason, the thought was distressing... He moaned from a sudden frustration and once more tried to free himself from those greedy lips of Alain.

"We can't... Not here..." He realised it with some part of his mind that was still working... although he didn't really know where was 'here'. Ah, right, Sainte-Jeanne. No, definitely, it wasn't a right place... "It's enough that my father once caused a scandal in this hospital," he muttered, gasping for air.

Besides... Never mind the staff, but if a patient came across them... No, something like that mustn't happen, and that thought made him move away from Alain, although it seemed the most difficult thing under the sun. Alain gave a cry of objection and reached to him, but Josh shook his head and started to button his shirt, although he'd rather rip it off, for he felt awfully hot. His fingers trembled when he tried to fit the buttons into the holes... Actually, he was trembling all over, and even his teeth clattered.

Alain gave him a dazed look, trying to even his breath, and then ran both hands through his damp hair. He looked as off-balance as Josh felt. Josh didn't want anything more than throw himself back into those arms and dive into that velvet delight he'd been deprived of for so long. Never before had he congratulated remaining where he was as much as now.

"Sorry,' he said once he was able to. "I shouldn't have..."

Alain shook his head. "You're right... it's not a... right place," he replied with difficulty.

"Then... Let's-let's go to my place," Josh stuttered and had to overcome another spell of dizziness. "But we'd better keep a two... three metres distance."

Alain, however, didn't move from the spot. He knitted his brows and gave him a thoughtful look, calming down his breath. "What did you say... about your father? he asked in astonishment.

Josh blinked. Had he really said it? He had to focus... which wasn't easy when his brain was a pudding... However, the next moment he felt he was smiling when he 'remembered'. Suddenly, calm fell on him... as well as great joy. He wanted to share it with Alain so much, everything that had happened... everything he'd learned...! Alain, who was the most important man to him, had no idea about it! Could Josh really think of nothing else but sex?

"Would you listen to it?" he asked in a soft voice; he wouldn't stop smiling. "But it's a long story," he warned.

After a moment of reflection, Alain nodded, so Josh pulled his knees up and put his arms around them. Sitting in a safe distance from Alain, who didn't try to breach that gap, he felt strong enough to speak. And soon he realised it was quite a different story that he'd told Madame Montagne last Monday. Well, not that it was anything strange since it was Alain listening to him now, and with him Josh wanted to share all joy and all sorrow of life.

As he talked - and, like he'd warned, he talked for a longer while - his rampant desire calmed down, and in the end he found himself in Alain's arms again, in the same position they started this conversation in. Alain relaxed, too, and was now radiating feeling of security and confidence. He would listen intently, and Josh appreciated his support - for that was how he explained his attitude.

"And? What are you going to do now?" Alain asked once Josh had finished and was silent.

Josh tore his gaze off the soothing blue over the lilac bushes and glanced into green eyes above, before looking at the sky again. "It was a very general question..." he muttered. "If you ask me what I am going to do about my new relative, then I have no idea. I left him my address, so he'll probably contact me, but what after that... Time will show. To tell the truth, I don't think of it. I'm too old to start and play family now," he announced. Alain said nothing, only embraced him tighter. Josh went on, "As for my plans... My practice here ends the next week. I wanted to go to Paco, to the orphanage, to try to do something for those children... but now..." He looked at Alain again, then gave to the temptation and reached up to hug his neck. "We were supposed to spend the holidays together, right?"

"We can go there," Alain said calmly. "To Paco," he qualified. "I have July off."

Josh stared at him in disbelief, unsure whether he'd really heard it, for it sounded too perfect.

Alain blinked under his gaze and looked away. "That is... If you want it," he added in a softer voice.

"If I want it? Alain, why do you ask me such things?" Josh asked, brushing his cheek. "Of course I want. We can spend the whole July there, if it's okay with you. I'm sure Madame Zircon would have nothing against it," he called and added, "At least, I hope so. After all, two men in a relationship might not be the best example for the children growing in such a facility... On the other hand, we can teach them something about the world... And a lesson of tolerance won't do them any harm. Besides, such a tall and strong man will surely be of use in the house."

Alain nodded and Josh beamed. "In any case, we can do some trips on weekends... Like Idealo, we haven't been there for a while... or anywhere else..." he started to make plans. "But would it be fine with you?" he became anxious. "It's a small town, with nothing in it... and the orphanage isn't a very happy place. I'll be busy with the children... Actually, I don't even know if you likes children. I think you may be bored, and that's the best scenario..." he said in a low voice, realising his joy vanished.

Alain, however, hugged him closer. "With you? How could I be bored in your company, Joshua?" he asked, something breaking in his voice, and when he went on, it didn't come easy to him. "You're more important to me than anything else...! You're the best that happened to me... I love you so much I go crazy when you're not with me." He paused, and his eyes became moist. "I want to stay with you... but I don't know if I won't do something stupid again... and run away again... and make you suffer. How I wish I had your strength... and confidence... instead of this fear, this cowardice..."

Josh gave him a serious look, unable to reply, for his throat clenched with an enormous emotion. He wondered whether he'd heard anything so beautiful from Alain before... something to fill his heart with such a great joy... It was that love he'd believed in, and that belief had helped him to withstand despair. At the same time, his heart clenched with pain, upon seeing that grief he caused himself. The need to comfort Alain was almost physical.

"I'm not at all strong," he responded once he could trust his voice again. "And I lack confidence very often... Don't idealise me," he murmured. "But I understand very well how hard it is to change one's way of being... of feeling. I really understand. It's a long process that requires lots of work, not something you can do at will. You're too demanding with yourself. And I accept you as you are. With your weaknesses," he stressed. "And with your much more numerous virtues. So please... stay with me," he said in a strangled whisper.

Two tears fell on his face. Alain wiped his eyes with a quick move. "I promise-" he started, but Josh put one finger on his lips.

"Shh... We don't need any promise. It's good like this. I trust you."

Alain took his hand and kissed it. In silence, they would just look each other in the eyes, and Josh thought he wouldn't trade this moment for anything.

"In that case, let me say one thing," Alain spoke, and there was no longer any uncertainty to his words. "Even if I run away again... I'll always return to you. I can't live without you."

Josh sat up and embraced him with all his might. He wished they could stay like this for ever... and then realised how absurd that wish was. He was... They were going to experience many wonderful times, so stopping at this one was pointless. His eyes full of tears - definitely, he had become too emotional last time - he smiled and said, "That's a deal. I can't live without you, either... so we'll have it easier when together."

When Alain pressed him closer, Josh thought that he would never regret being alive again. He thanked his parents for the greatest gift and laughed laud, ready to meet anything that should happen from now on.

I don't need promises - Maaya Sakamoto, "Yakusoku wa iranai"

THE END
(of Part IV ^^)