Sorry for taking so long to update. It's been four months. No excuse for that. Though it's not like I was sitting around doing nothing. I finished two stories during that break. This story takes more thinking and research so yup, going to take longer. Sorry for that. Also, fuck you fanfiction. I finished this and tried to update two days ago, but it wouldn't let me log in!

Enjoy!

Dawn eventually did come. However, no one really slept except for Luca, who knew he had to sleep when he could, and Uhura, who had woke constantly from bad dreams. Everyone moved around the camp silently, packing what little they had. Spock managed to condense the four backpacks to two and carried the heavier of the two while Jim carried the other. They were on their way within half an hour.

Before they left however, Kirk gave everyone a list of rules that they had to follow:

Always stay at the minimum of 20 ft away from any area that looks infected.

If you should happen to wonder closer than that, find a place to wash your clothes ASAP.

Stay upwind of the fungus if possible.

Do not eat anything that isn't in a sealed container unless it's a last resort.

Anything previously sealed must be eaten within 48 hours.

Most importantly, always be with at least one other person.

Uhura was a bit confused about what was going on, having missed the discussion the previous night. Thankfully, she agreed to the terms and so did McCoy. Jim was slightly concerned that Bones didn't put up a fight, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

No one commented that the bodies had been missing at sunrise. Sometime during the night when everyone had attempted, not successfully, to get some sleep, Spock had gone out and buried them.

Kirk had protested quietly outside the rock structure. The bodies should have been burned. Any spores they might have inhaled or clung to their clothes would have been burned with the bodies and the smoke would be masked by the night sky and the light obscured by the rocks.

Spock had simply said that with a burial, the bodies could be recovered, identified and returned to their loved ones after decontamination. The human stood down after that, but his anxiety showed afterwards.

There was something he wasn't telling, that much was obvious. Spock did not push him for more answers though. If it was detrimental to their survival, the captain wouldn't have given in, so Spock buried the bodies while Kirk kept watch over the camp.

It occurred to Kirk that while no one was particularly well rested, especially after last night, he had not seen Spock rest since they left the ship. He did not bring that fact up. All Spock would say was that Vulcans can function almost two weeks without sleep. Kirk did not doubt that, but he was pretty sure that only held true if he could at least meditate on occasion to do so. Since Spock had been unable to successfully meditate before leaving on this clusterfuck of a mission, chances were he hadn't done so here.

He had to force the thought from his mind. Spock was still functional for now and changing locations took precedence. The several day trip would take a toll on them with the lack of enough food and fresh water. They would need to save their phasers, so they could start fires or find an alternative method. Nothing could be consumed, water or food, without being sterilized. Saving their phasers as a last resort would decrease their defense dramatically. The phasers pulled off the bandits were extremely low as it was affording them only a few more shots.

Jim chewed on his bottom lip as he thought this. He had been in worse situations on Tarsus, but he didn't have to worry about following protocol, and he didn't want the others to see what he had stooped to on Tarsus, how low he had fallen. If worse came to worse, he would do it, but that wasn't necessary now.

He felt the brush of fabric against his hand. He looked down to see Luca at his side, eyes casted down, but still sticking extremely close to him. Luca had woken once during the night and sought out Jim. Without a word from either of them, Luca slept next to Jim during his watch. Spock raised an eyebrow when he had returned to see the sight before taking up his spot by the fire.

Sometime during their journey around late morning, Jim picked up Luca. The boy wrapped his arms around Jim's neck and used his shoulder as a pillow, falling asleep. McCoy tried to protest that Jim should take it easy and like usual Jim ignored him. His head was still pounding, but it was more manageable than previously. Since he hadn't slipped into a coma when he had fallen unconscious, he would be okay. At least that was what he told himself.

They took two half hour breaks by the time noon hit. The sun was bright and already it was exhausting the doctor and Jim a little. Jim was thinking of taking another break when he saw the farmland up ahead.

Upon closer inspection, it was just one large farm with ten other buildings around it. Jim was betting that five of the houses were homes for the farm hands, one was an office or laboratory, and the others were some sort of storage and equipment sheds. It was a good place to look for supplies though chances were that anything useful was long gone. The fields looked like they were either harvested early or raided. Either way, it was a mess. There shouldn't be anyone in the vicinity as it was probably the first place hit. Still, it would be good practice for the others.

He had set Luca down half an hour back. When he looked down at him, he saw the same calculating gaze flit across those brown eyes. So they were thinking the same thing.

"You've done this before?" he asked the kid.

Luca nodded. "That's how we met, remember?"

Jim nodded handing him one of the phasers that had more power to him, ignoring everyone's questioning gaze. Luca barely glanced at the object before huffing. With experienced hands, he took off the safety and set it to kill. "I'm not a kid," he admonished, making Kirk smile a bit.

"I know. Just making sure," he leaned forward, reaching out to turn the settings back to stun. "But don't do it unless you have to."

Jim hated telling the kid that. Absolutely hated it. He felt conflicting emotions roar inside him, fighting one another. His fists clenched though his face kept the same gentle gaze. "Good Starfleet officers only kill as a last resort."

He felt Spock's gaze on his back.

Suddenly, McCoy yanked him to the side, causing the captain to stumble a bit. "What is it Bones?" his voice already sounding irritated.

"You're giving a kid a phaser? Seriously, Jim? This isn't like you." The doctor's eyes were soft and full of worry. While Jim could understand it, he couldn't accept it.

"Believe me Bones, he isn't a kid anymore." He removed the hand wrapped around his elbow. "Besides me, Luca has lived through more than most will live through in several life times. He has knowledge of the land, some combat experience, and survival instincts. If it came down to it, he wouldn't bat an eye at killing someone if it threatened his survival. Which is why he's going to lead you and Uhura in the search of supplies in the middle houses, while Spock and I search the outer ones."

"That's exactly what I mean, Jim. The kid is traumatized. You're putting too much responsibility on him. If you put too much pressure on him, he'll snap."

Jim laughed humorously. Bones had a psychology degree. In normal circumstances, if they were off this hell hole, he'd probably be right. He would be right if Luca survived this, but until then, he was completely off.

"He won't snap, Bones. He's hanging on with nothing but his fingertips. You're right about that, but if he was going to snap, he would have done so a long time ago, and he wouldn't have survived 'til now."

"You don't know that, Jim. You don't know what will send him over the edge."

Jim glanced back at Luca. "He won't snap. He has the same look I did back then." He turned back to his friend. "Stopping him from doing anything will make it worse. There is nothing more frightening then watching your world fall apart around you while you sit around doing nothing. As long as he's doing something that he think matters, he'll keep hanging on. Trust me."

He didn't wait for a reply. He knew Luca was a good choice to lead the other party. He had observed him while they had been walking. He knew what he was doing. "Alright, we'll meet back here in an hour. If something happens, do whatever you can to get the other party's attention. I don't care what. . . And try to stay alive." He looked at Luca. "Take care of the doctor and lieutenant for me. They're kids."

Uhura glared at him while the Doctor grumbled, but Luca smirked, getting his little message. "Will do, sir."

Jim returned the smirk. Luca really was a good kid. He would make a fine officer one day. Kind of like. Kevin.

He watched as Luca lead them away, noting his quiet footsteps and looking uncomfortable at his two charges loud approach. The kid knew what he was doing, but there was a chance that he'd abandon McCoy and Uhura if it came to his survival if they could not keep up or threatened his own life. He'd have to show them how to properly walk once they got back.

"C'mon, Spock," he murmured, heading to the closest house.

Jim entered carefully, searching the entrance for possible traps. Spock followed his lead, his eyes watching Jim's form and his actions, taking notes. Jim was pleased that Spock was already picking up and employing his habits. As they trekked through the house, the Vulcan's footsteps became increasingly softer and searched with just as much caution.

The captain wasn't surprised that almost everything of use had been taken. Any food, extra blankets, and clothes had long since been taken if the light layer of dust had anything to say, but Spock was able to find a few tools and spare parts. The tools were far from ideal: bent, rusted, and mostly useless. However it was better than what they had previously, so they packed them with care in a spare bag.

Jim was carefully searching the floor for any hidden compartments when Spock asked, "Jim . . . about Luca."

"Are you going to question my decision too?" the human commented, not stopping his careful examination.

"Negative. I also believe that Luca is the best candidate to lead as he is most familiar with the situation."

"Then what?" Jim asked, placing back a raised floorboard the same way he found it.

"I wish to know why you would insinuate you are not a good Starfleet officer. I am having difficulty understanding why you would refer to yourself as either incompetent or morally incorrect when you are neither."

Jim stayed crouched, staring at the floorboard he had just replaced. "I am not a good person, Spock. We have discussed this," he said quietly.

"I understand what you have gone through, Jim, but─"

"You really don't, Spock. I gave you an outline not the details," Jim shoved a rusted screwdriver into the pack with more force than necessary.

"I am aware, but the choices you made then, choices made by an adolescent, could not─"

"Spock, just stop!" Jim whispered harshly. "I don't want to talk about it. Right now, we need to hurry and finish scavenging."

Spock wanted to press the issue. Jim could see the way his lips thinned and his brows pulled together in thought. In the end, he only replied, "Yes, Captain."

The rest of the search was spent in silence.

The hour came and went, and Jim and Spock met up with the others with little difficulty. McCoy looked put out when he and his group came back. The kid looked irritated as well. If Jim had to guess, the two got into an argument, and for some reason, the thought made him smile a bit. "You look a little pissed off, Bones."

"I never thought I'd meet anyone crazier than you," he grumbled, refusing to look at the child.

Luca just rolled his eyes. "He tried to see if the shower still worked. I kept telling him if there's going to be a trap it would be the shower."

The captain nodded in agreement. People were smart enough not to turn on the lights, but they got careless when it came to things like having a chance to take a warm shower. It was a temptation many couldn't resist after being covered in grim for weeks. "Did you find anything?"

"Just a few miscellaneous things. A few spare parts and blankets with holes," the doctor grumbled, showing his friend the bag. "No food though."

"I didn't think there would be," he replied honestly. "Spock and I found some tools. Hopefully we can get some of the equipment working."

"Captain, if we leave now, there is a higher probability of reaching our destination before we break for the evening." Spock took the extra bag from McCoy, slinging it over his shoulder.

"Are you sure that place is safe?" Uhura asked.

"Yeah," Jim said, turning to the smallest member of their group. "Want another ride?"

Luca scrunched up his nose, puffing out his chest. "I'm not a kid. I can walk like everyone else."

Jim tried not to smile as it seemed Luca had already forgotten about earlier that morning. "Sure thing, Luca. Want to carry the water?"

The child's eyes brightened, and he nodded eagerly and took the canteens.

Once he was sure Luca was settled, they continued on their way.

"Jim? Are you sure about this?"

Jim glanced up at Kevin from his bag, giving him a wide confident smile. "We'll be okay. You'll hold down the fort right?"

Kevin nodded, shifting foot to foot. "I know but… you're taking Rochelle…"

Jim stopped, swallowing hard. "Rochelle has to come. She's the only one who knows the camp layouts. This is my first time doing this."

"But Rochelle hasn't been the same since…"

"I know," Jim said quietly. "Hopefully this will help." In a brighter tone, he said, "Besides, Jabari will be with me. We'll be fine. We'll eat like kings in a few days."

Kevin didn't look convinced. The young child looked at the ground. "Please be careful."

"Don't worry, I will. Rochelle will be fine. The other's have been."

"But she's older."

Jim winced inwardly. "She'll be fine. I'll be fine." He closed his bag, and gave his full attention to Kevin, placing his hands on the child's shoulders. "Kevin, I'm trusting you to keep everything together while I'm gone. Take care of the little ones. And tell them the story about my dad's car for bed time. They like that one."

Kevin's eyes watered, but he looked determined not to cry. "Okay, Jim."

"Big Brother Jim! Big Brother Jim!" A small girl no older than four ran up to them. She held up a ragged doll. The doll was falling apart at the seams, covered in mud, and missing a beady black eye and half of its yarn hair. "Take Jamie with you."

Jim's eyes softened. "I can't take her, Maggie."

"You have to take it, cause I can't go with you." The girl with her matted brown locks and dirt covered hands, shoved the doll into his hands.

"Maggie…" The girl entered a coughing fit, and Jim's hands tightened around the doll. "I'll take it. Go lay down. I'll be back before you know it." He looked at the young boy. "Kevin?"

"Come on Mags, Jim said we could have the berries he found. We can eat them before bed," Kevin took her small hand and dragged her away. She didn't protest too much, already swaying on her feet, but she kept looking back at him as they disappeared inside the caves.

Jim looked at the doll and carefully placed it into his pack. He'd take it, just this once.

"Alright, Jim. You remember what the layout?" Jabari was one of the older kids. He was a year older than Jim, but he was one of the most loyal out of all the teens Jim picked up. He was dark skinned and had a scar from eye to chin which gave him an intimidating air, but he was extremely kind when he wasn't trapping soldier scum.

"Yeah, I remember. Stop drilling me already. I'm ready for this." He readjusted his bag.

They fell into silence. Jabari was never much of a talker. He was the tall dark and silent type of guy girls went crazy over. Jim never talked to him before the whole incident, and he was hesitant to let a teenager into their small group when they had first found him. Jim refused the first time they ran into him. He had three young children with him at the time Jabari asked. Kirk declined and the boy said no more, accepting Jim's choice without hostility.

But Jim found himself drowning once he picked up more kids. He alone was old enough to take the harsher responsibilities and taking care for a two year old and one infant was full time work. He couldn't leave for long periods of time. He sought out Jabari, gave him unfair conditions, and the teen gracefully accepted them. No argument or whining. When Jim started accepting teenagers, he was an invaluable resource. Truthfully, he thought teens were harder to handle. They didn't like to listen, and they all thought they should be in charge. Jabari brought them under control with a few words. Jim never understood why he supported Jim's rules and leadership, but he was invaluable.

"Be careful." Jabari slid down the hill and disappeared into the underbrush.

Jim on the other hand went around the guard camp. His heart was beating out of his chest. He kept his footsteps light as he made his way towards the center of the camp. It was a scouting group, looking for stragglers. A group of ten. While small, they were still armed.

Jim slipped into the largest tent in the group. The man was sitting at a small table, eating some sort of meat product, dropping bones back onto the plate that still had meat on it. Anger welled up into Jim's chest at the sight. So much wasted food without a second though. Not even hungry enough to eat the parts he didn't like. Jim tightened the wire around his hand.

He snuck up behind the man, his face blank as he readied the wire. His mind whited out as he wrapped the wire around the man's neck and pulled. The man dropped the plate, clawing at his throat, and then he reached up to try to stab at Jim's eyes with his fingers. Jim kept his head down and kept his eyes out of his reach though his hair was pulled at.

Jim kept holding on until the man passed out and held on longer. He made sure he was dead before daring to let go. He tucked the man into bed to buy himself more time in case someone came to check on the higher ranked official, then went through the man's things. His eyes lit up at the hypos he found and food. This alone could last them a week if rationed!

He found a huge bag to stuff everything into and proceeded to the next tent. The next one was sleeping. Unable to strangle him, he slipped out a knife and slit his throat. He stared at the blood in fascination. He never killed anyone like this before. A phaser and a wire, but… the blood felt wet and warm on his hands. It was fascinating. He stared as it drenched the sheets, and the color drained from his face. The only thing that snapped him out of it was the explosion on the other side of the camp. The noise startled him, and he almost jumped a foot into the air. Cursing himself for losing focus, he skimmed through everything quickly, grabbing anything that was easily accessible and high tailed it out of there.

He heard yelling and cursing and when he left through the back, he saw the fire blazing. All the guards were rushing to it, allowing him a quick escape. He wondered what went wrong. Jabari set up the distractions if they had to leave in a hurry.

Jim ran, dashing through the woods to the meeting point. It wasn't as much food as they hoped, but he got what he wanted. The hypos! They finally had hypos! He didn't get to look through them, but that was fine. Anything was fine.

Their meeting point was an hour away. Jim ran the first fifteen minutes. While he could run the entire time, he didn't want to waste energy. He had been tiring out easily lately, but with this haul, they could eat well for the first time in a while.

He grinned when he saw Jabari waiting for him. "Glad to see you made it."

Jabari was frowning, which wasn't a good thing. Very few things could make him frown. "What happened," Jim asked, dropping his smile. "And hurry up. The moment Rochelle get's here, we're out of here."

Jabari shook his head. "Rochelle isn't coming."

Jim grew stiff."What happened?"

"She distracted the guards as planned but…with her body."

Jim closed his eyes. "She broke."

"Yeah," he said quietly."She took him out…then herself."

"Dammit," he whispered. "I thought she was getting better. I thought doing this with us would get her mind off this."

"Jim─"

"Let's get out of here," he cut off his right hand man. He was tired. He'd already been gone for two days. Two more days, and he'd be with his kids again.

Jabari didn't say another word the entire way back which Jim was grateful for. All he could think about was getting back as soon as possible. Nothing else seemed to matter as he pushed his body to go past its limits. He didn't even touch the food until the caves came into view.

"I'm back!" Jim announced, already handing out food. "Anyone sick, come line up. I got hypos."

He didn't smile as he usually did as he passed out the food, but no one commented on it. No one mentioned Rochelle's disappearance either. It was one of the first things everyone learned.

"Hey, can someone bring Maggie. I got a hypo for her," he took out her doll while he was at it.

Kevin swallowed hard. "Maggie passed away this morning. Her and the baby."

Jim face darkened as he shoved the powered milk back into the bag.

"I'm sorry Jim. I did my best. I gave her the good food…more than I should have, but she started twitching everywhere and I couldn't get her to stop, and then she stopped breathing. I didn't know what to do."

"Kevin," Jim said softly but didn't look at him."You did your best. It's not your fault." Jim placed a plate into his hands. "Eat up."

The boy gave him worried looks, but Jim waved him off. Everyone ate huddled around the fire. Jim wasn't hungry. He went outside to keep watch. How were the stars the same when everything underneath them had gone to hell?

He felt someone sit beside him, and a plate nudging his side which he tried to ignore. "You need to eat," Jabari said, his low voice had a soothing effect on his nerves.

"I'm not hungry." He looked at the doll in his hands. Maggie's name was still written on the frayed dress in childish handwriting.

"Jim. It was not your fault."

"It was. I pushed back our trip three days. If I didn't, we would have made it here on time."

"Jim. She was in the late stages of whatever she had. There was no guarantee the medicine would work, and you had to push it back due to the storm."

It didn't make him feel better. Maggie was the bright one, the one eager to help, who started to break through Jim's shell. She was a soft spot. And he had failed her.

"Rochelle wasn't your fault either."

Jim sneered. "Drop it."

"Rochelle wasn't the first one. The kids who were used by the guards like she had been, they are more resilient. They bounced back faster and adjusted faster. They aren't completely all right, but they're going. The teens in the same situation aren't so lucky. Greg and Laurel hadn't been able to handle the shit that happened to them either. For them, death was easier than living."

"Great, so I'm useless. Whoopedy fucking do."

"Jim, you are the best thing that happened to these kids. You're a natural leader." Jabari unwrapped the meat on his plate.

"Bullshit. Look what I've done!"

"Yes, look what you did," his voice keeping its soft even tones. "You brought all the kids together, picked up those being used for sex or those whose parents had died or abandoned them. You organized them, you keep them fed, and you offer them protection. Without you, they would all be dead or still being passed around from soldier to soldier in that disgusting ring of rapists."

A laugh bubbled up before he could stop it. "You know, you should be the leader. You're more level headed than me."

The older boy shook his head. "The kids adore you, and you shelter them when you can. Dirty your hands so they don't have too. They do know, and they appreciate it. That's why they always try to help instead of whine and complain. They look up to you."

"You know, it's a shame. If the circumstances were different and there were more girls our age. You totally would have gotten lucky."

"No, I wouldn't have."

Jim laughed, this time for real. "Come on. The girls were throwing themselves at you even with me there. With that new scar, when we go home, you'll be beating them off with a stick."

Jabari smiled, something that was few and rare. "That would never happen for me."

"Why not?" Jim asked curiously. He couldn't think of any reason why Jabari wouldn't be able to get the girl of his dreams.

"Because I'm gay," he said gently.

Jim stared back as it clicked. "Oh.. . Ooooooh."

Jabari laughed. "Don't worry about it." He placed the plate in Jim's lap again. "Eat."

Jim sighed, knowing Jabari wouldn't leave until he ate. "Fine. I'll eat." He picked at the meat. He just so happened to glance up, when he saw the blood on Jabari's sleeve. "You should take an antibiotic."

"It's a small cut. Let the children have it. Medicine is scarce as it is."

He couldn't argue with that. "If it gets infected, take something."

"Of course, Jim." Jim went back to his plate. Unexpectedly, Jabari leaned down and kissed his cheek. He looked up shock as the older teen pulled back. "Goodnight, Jim."

Jabari went back to the camp, leaving Jim alone. He stayed outside for another hour. Having calmed down a little, he returned getting ready for bed. As he climbed into bed, he heard the soft whimpering of one of the children. Being an adult never ended.

"Jim you should sleep," Spock said by the fire.

Jim snorted, stretching out on the ground. "Take your own advice. When's the last time you slept again?" No answer. "Exactly."

"Jim, Vulcan's are capable of going─"

"Without sleep for 2 weeks under stressful conditions," Jim finished, smirking at the eyebrow raise. "Come on, Spock. You aren't even meditating. I can handle tonight's shift."

"You are in need of rest," Spock stood up, walking over to his side.

"Can't sleep." Jim sat up. McCoy, Luca, and Uhura were all in a restless sleep, but at least they were sleeping. "Won't be able to for a while."

An awkward silence filled between them. It stretched and the tension built until Spock spoke. "Are you doing better, Jim?"

It was hard not to throw a sarcastic, bitter remark back at the Vulcan. Instead, he inhaled slowly and didn't answer.

Spock went quiet again, and the air of uneasiness permeated.

A soft whine came from Luca, followed by a moan. The young boy curled up onto his side, whimpering as he shook.

Jim was at his side in a second, settling down next to the boy in the make shift bed of leaves and blankets, taking the kid into his arms and rubbing his back with practiced ease. "Shh."

Luca's whimpers died down to the occasional sigh, and he wrapped his arms around the captain as he settled into a deeper sleep.

"I did not expect you to excel in caring for adolescents." Spock said, watching as his captain's hardened features softened as he looked at Luca.

"When I was on Tarsus," he cleared his throat when it cracked. "When I was on Tarsus, I took care of a group of kids. They had a lot of nightmares."

He could see Spock turning the image over in his head analyzing it. For what, Kirk had no idea. "I have noted you are more relaxed when Luca is present."

"Jealous Spock," he teased, brushing the child's hair down. With a more serious expression, he relaxed against the cave wall. "You're right. Luca reminds me of my kids. If it weren't for them, I don't think I'd have bothered to keep going." His eyes closed. Memories danced across his eyelids. "Most of them died. I can't even remember any of their faces but the one I kept in contact with. They're just some faceless people who haunt my nightmares." He couldn't remember Maggie's sweet smile, Jabari's stern expression, or Rochelle's beautiful gaze. The kid's he rescued eventually lost touch with him, and the ones who passed were fading from his memory. How could he allow either to happen?

"And who held you during your nightmares?"

Jim's smile told Spock everything. He didn't allow himself that comfort on Tarsus or when he got off it. Tarsus he had people depending on him, at home, Frank wasn't going to and his mother had been gone for most of his life and didn't know anything about him. Even if she had, he wasn't the same person who had left with his Aunt Joanna. No one could understand him unless they had lived through that hell as he had.

"It doesn't matter," Jim said, placing Luca back into his bed. He waited to make sure it was okay for him to leave before moving. "Nightmares are just dreams. I can handle that."

Jim's eyes grew heavy as he watched Luca. Maybe the hike took more out of him then he realized.

Spock waited until Jim was asleep before putting his fingers to Jim's psi points. "Then allow me to keep your nightmares at bay," he whispered, settling Jim's overactive mind with peace and dreams of being back on the Enterprise with his first officer beside him.

A little chunky in the delivery, but I will fix that as soon as I get this to someone. . . .