Disclaimer: I did not invent the phrases: out of cheese error, MELON MELON MELON, or divide by cucumber. They come from hex, a machine in the book hogfather by terry pratchett.

Rosethorn: hello, and welcome back to warrior cats got talent for riverclans auditions! I am rosethorn

Smoketalon: and I am smoketalon

Shimmerpelt: what does this say?

Rosethorn: WHAT IN THE NAME OF STARCLAN DO YOU DO AS APPRENTICES

Shimmerpelt: errr... Learn how to fish and fight

Smoketalon: go away. Just go away

Shimmerpelt: :sob:

Rosethorn: well then, lets get started with riverclans auditions!

Smoketalon: first up is... Heavystep

Heavystep: I will die without dying

Audience: 0_O

Rosethorn: awesome! Start after jayfeather blows on the trumpet

Pfffffffffftt CANDY!

Smoketalon: NOOOOOOOO! NOT MY CANDY!

Heavystep: mapleshade, come on stage!

Mapleshade: what for?

Smoketalon: I NEED A BODYGUARD! I NEED A BODYGUARD

Heavystep: kill me mapleshade

Mapleshade: YAY! :kills heavystep:

Heavystep: I thought I said kill me :gets up:

Mapleshade: 0_O :kills heavystep 500 times:

Heavystep:gets up 500 times: thats right.

Mapleshade: :incinerates heavystep: I QUIT

Smoketalon: :picks up telephone: hello, is that the pokemon market? I would like to buy a mew and a moltres for a bodyguard please

Rosethorn: :sigh:

Judges: 0_O :freeze in time:

Rosethorn: I'll take that as 4 10/10s

Smoketalon: yay! Mew and moltres have arrived! So have the flamethrowers I ordered

Rosethorn: YAY! I LOVE MEW

Smoketalon: you can have her, as long as I can have the super flamethrower

Rosethorn: deal

Smoketalon: sooo... What happened?

Mistystar: Heavystep is through to the next round, now GET ON WITH COMMENTATING

Rosethorn: ok then... Errrrr... Next up is mallownose

Mallownose: I will be doing leaf blowing

Smoketalon: ok then, start after jayfeather blows the trumpet

Jayfeather: :crunch: huh?

Smoketalon: GET OFF MY CANDY!

Moltres: daaauraaa :lifts flamethrower:

Jayfeather: ok ok, I'll blow the trumpet.

Pffffffffffffft CHOCOLATE!

Moltres: :burns jayfeathers hair off: daaauraaa

Rosethorn: mallownose blows on leafpools piles of herbs and...

Mallownose: YEEEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUCCCCHHHH

Leafpool: don't mess with me again, or I do more than burn your ears off

Mallownose: sorry, I can't hear you, you burned my ears off with smoketalons super flamethrower

Leafpool: :burns mallownose to ashes: I SAID DON'T MESS WITH ME AGAIN OR I DO MORE THAN BURN YOUR EARS OFF! :walks off in a huff:

Smoketalon: as ashes are not allowed to perform in warrior cats got talent, mallownose is now out

Mallownoses ashes: hey!

Rosethorn: ashes don't have mouths, so be quiet!

Smoketalon: next up is duskfur

Duskfur: I am doing comedy!

Rosethorn: as many cats are miss I'm doing comedy

Duskfur: thankyou for your inspirational speech miss I hate comedy

Smoketalon: start after errrrr... Who is jayfeathers replacement while he gets a wig?

Rosethorn: lets just say... Firestar!

Firestar: star. Clan. Cats. Don't. Breathe.

Smoketalon: well then... Errrrr... Cherrypaw will blow it

Cherrypaw: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Dalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaa!

Rosethorn: finally...

Duskfur: finally...

Rosethorn: huh?

Duskfur: huh?

Rosethorn: what are you doing?

Duskfur: what are you doing?

Rosethorn: I thought you were doing comedy

Duskfur: I thought you were doing comedy

Rosethorn: mew, come here and incinerate this nutso

Duskfur: mew, come here and incinerate this nutso

Mew: :lifts flamethrower: mew?

Rosethorn: not me you idiot, her!

Duskfur: not me you idiot, her!

Mew: :singes rosethorns fur off: mew!

Rosethorn: grrrrrrrrrrrr...

Duskfur: grrrrrrrrrrrr...

Rosethorn: just. Stop. Copying. Me.

Duskfur: no thanks, I'm having too much fun!

Audience: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA

Rosethorn: I AM BALD! :runs off to wig shop with jayfeather:

Bramblestar: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA 10/10

Onestar: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA 10/10

Rowanstar: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA 10/10

Mistystar: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA 10/10

Smoketalon: so duskfur is through to the next round! Next up is mosspelt

Mosspelt: I DON WANNA DO DIS ANY MWOORRREEE! TAKE ME BACK TO STARCLAN MAMA

Bluestar: :comes back down from starclan: I thought you only wanted to get reincarnated because you wanted to win this

Mosspelt: I ONWY WANNED A WAWWIAR NWAME!

Sol: disqualified for shamelessly crying to your mama. Can I have a drink? All this yelling is making my throat dry

Smoketalon: ok then. Here is 3 litres of apple juice

Sol: thank you kindly. :gulps down all the apple juice:

Smoketalon: ok then... Next up is lakeheart

Lakeheart: I will be insulting sol

Sol: disqualified for insulting me.

Lakeheart: hey! I haven't even started yet!

Sol: then maybe you shouldn't have announced you were going to be insulting the referee

Lakeheart: thats not fair!

Sol: :lifts Smoketalons super flamethrower: problem?

Lakeheart: yes. You are a sucky referee and aught to be fired!

Sol: :incinerates lakeheart: an dat is why you no mess with ze sollywolly!

Smoketalon: letsmoveonnextupis HERONWING!

Heronwing: I will be singing a song of praise

Smoketalon: ok then, start after ooohhh! Rosethorn is back! And she had plastic surgery as well!

Rosethorn: start after...

Smoketalon: ooohhhh... Whats this button? :presses button:

Random-rosethorn: hello. You have discovered rosethorns random mode. Oooohhh discovered has disco in it! :starts dancing: You can turn off hex mode by repressing button. Oh, I can do the can can! :does the can can:

Smoketalon: where were we again?

Random-rosethorn: according to my calculations, we are approximately half-way from the moon

Smoketalon: and how do you figure that?

Rosethorn: simply divide the colour of the sky by cucumber

Audience: 0_O

Smoketalon: and the answer is half moon?

Jayfeather: :rushes in: HALF MOON! HALF MOON! WHERE ARE YOU!

Smoketalon: ooohhhh, jayfeather got plastic surgery too

Heronwing: are we going to get on with this or not

Random-Rosethorn: MELON MELON MELON

Smoketalon: ok then! Start after jayfeather has blown the trumpet

Dalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaa

Random-rosethorn: out of cheese error!

Smoketalon: finally jayfeather has blown the trumpet, and not some other obnoxious item.

Heronwing: sol is an obnoxious little idiot, and smells like fox dung...

Sol: just cawll meh SOLLYWOLLY

Heronwing: he DESTROYED US! Sol...

Sol: :lifts smoketalons super flamethrower: I said cawll meh SOLLYWOLLY

Heronwing: and he is as good as a Twoleg!

Sol: :incinerates heronwing: just cawll meh wolly. Sollywolly

Random-rosethorn: It looks like you have just drinked 3 litres of 12% alcoholic apple cider. Apple cider lalalallalalalalalalallalalalalallalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa cheses beer and rum and haaaaattttttttiiiiiiiiiieeeewesssss

Smoketalon: I should really turn that off...

Random-Rosethorn: press de button or diiieeeoooaaauuu

Smoketalon: fine. :presses button: next up is... Minnowtail!

Minnowtail: I will be dancing

Rosethorn: cool! Start after jayfeather blows the trumpet

Pfffffffft ta ta pfft pfft pfft ta ta pffffffffft ta ta pfft pfft pfft tata

Smoketalon: WHO HAS AN AUTOMATIC RAP MACHINE

Rosethorn: minnowtail is dancing. Errrr... Nothing much to it.

Minnowtail: Lalaaaalaalaaaalaaalaaaalalaaalaalaaalaalaaa

laaalaaaaaaalaalaalalalaaalalaalalaalalaalalaalalaa

Bramblestar: good, but still a little blah. 7/10

Onestar: I'm ok with it. 7/10

Rowanstar: gah! 7/10

Mistystar: I love you minnowtail! 9/10

Smoketalon: :cough: surprisingly, minnowtail is through! Next up is willowshine!

Willowshine: I will be flying

Rosethorn: and how will you do that?

Willowshine: secret

Smoketalon: ok then. Start after jayfeather has blown the trumpet.

Pfffffffffffffft lets go CRZY CRAZY CRAZY pfffft

Rosethorn: GET OFF MY RECORD PLAYER! :lifts smoketalons super flamethrower:

Smoketalon: willowshine is floating in midair, about 2 fox lengths from the ground. Amazing

Bramblestar: how can you do that? 10/10

Rowanstar: tricks tricks, dirty tricks. 0/10

Onestar: wow. 10/10

Mistystar: you must me standing on starclans shoulders! 10/10

Rosethorn: so willowshine is through to the next round. Next up is reedwhisker

Reedwhisker: I will be doing magic!

Smoketalon: start after jayfeather blows the trumpet

Reedwhisker: can I hav...

Sol: disqualified foe no changing meh name to SOLLYWOLLY

Reedwhisker: I hereby change your name to sollywolly are you ok now

Sollywolly: yes... But you have to hoola dance

Reedwhisker: 0_O :hoola dances:

Bramblestar: I give you 10/10 because sol... I mean Sollywolly, is an idiot

Mistystar: same

Onestar: same

Rowanstar: same

Rosethorn: sooooo... Next up is mothwing

Mothwing: I will be singing with starclan!

Sollywolly: disqualified because you don't believe in starclan

Mothwing: how can I not believe in starclan if my brother killed hollyleaf?

Sollywolly: because yo ran idiot

Smoketalon: sol, you're sacked. Mothwing, continue

Sollywolly: NOOOOOOOOOO call me SOLLYWOLLY

Rosethorn: you may start. Jayfeather doesn't need to blow the trumpet any more. But we need a new referee... The new referee will be here at the next round!

Mothwing: starclan, come here, and sing with me!

Yellowfang: its not as easy as that mothwing. Even your apprentice is better.

Mothwing: waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh :runs off stage:

Bramblestar: 0/10

Onestar: 0/10

Rowanstar: 0/10

Mistystar: poor mothwing! 10/10

Smoketalon: so mothwing is out. That leaves her, mallownose, lakeheart, mosspelt and heronwing out...

Rosethorn: and heavystep, duskfur, minnowtail, willowshine and reedwhisker are through to the next round!

Smoketalon: join us next time, for windclans auditions!

Rosethorn: and a new mystery referee!

(and now its time to sit vigil for mallownose, lakeheart, heronwing, and rosethorns hair)