Ben,
It's been months of no contact and you think that a heart-felt letter will make me weak at the knees? I think you have to try harder than that, Benjamin!
"Ben, will it be me or the service?" Yes, that's exactly what I asked you that night. The same night you left me. I was madly in love with you. I dreamed of our future together. The good times. The bad times. Till death do us part? You on the other hand, did not seem to share the same vision.
You are correct to say that I am upset with your decision. It takes a strong woman to put a serious relationship on pause while her man goes off thousands of miles away. Do you think I don't worry about you?
You'd be a damn fool to think that I don't. I stay up every night and wonder where you are. I pray to God that you will come home to me safe. I worry that one of these days I will receive a letter that will begin,
I am deeply saddened to learn about the loss of your significant other, Ben Blackshaw, USMC. Our Nation will not forget his sacrifice, and we can never repay our debt to your family.
For this relationship to work, Ben, I need to know more. I need to know that you are safe. Are you eating enough? Do you get a good night sleep, if you ever get to sleep? Have you been injured? Have you killed anyone? I am not sure I will be able to hear the answer to that last question.
My biggest concern is, will you come home and still be my Ben? War is a nasty thing. I hear stories all the time about soldiers who have come back and completely lost it. These boys are suffering from severe PTSD, guilt, depression, and fear.
You know this first hand because of your father, Ben. You said that you wanted to go and follow in your father's footsteps. You want to experience his day to day doings. Learn the relationships that he would have made. But we both know what happened when he returned home. All was well until the day that he disappeared. It was hard enough saying good-bye to you the first time. I cannot imagine you coming home only to vanish. I cannot and will not let you do that to me, to yourself, or to our relationship.
Listen to me Ben, I may never forgive you for the pain and heartbreak that you put me through the night you left. You better understand that I will not let you raise your voice like that ever again. With that said, I truly wish you were home with me.
Ben it has been awful. I have never felt more alone and defeated. This crinkled piece of paper has brought so much joy and sorrow into my life. I am thrilled to know that you are well but truly need your comfort. I need a direct response not one that I will have to wait several days if not weeks to receive. I need you to bring light back into my current state of Hell.
Ben, on Wednesday, my parents were pronounced dead. Please save your condolences. I cannot fathom to hear another apology regarding how their death was so tragic or their lives were taken too soon.
Until next time,
LuAnna
P.S. - I ask that you send me a current picture of yourself. I would like to have something of yours that will remind me that you are the one worth waiting for.