A/N: Sorry for the delay, this chapter *really* didn't want to cooperate-and life of course interfered. Thanks for the reviews, follows and faves.
Chapter 5
Maura hardly dared to breathe as Jane spoke, trying to decide precisely what the detective was trying to say—if she was confessing her feelings for Maura, or if she was just acknowledging the depth of their friendship. The doctor would not guess; she would wait for Jane to actually speak the words. But she felt like she should contribute to the discussion, to make it less a confession from Jane's side and more a shared exchange. But before she could decide what to say, Jane continued.
"Since you've come into my life, Maura, I guess… you've been my 'rounds,'" the detective said in sudden revelation to herself. "I haven't needed them as much because I've had you to talk to, bounce my ideas off of, or to keep me from running off half-cocked. For the first time in my life, I have someone—YOU—that I trust enough with my thoughts, no matter how jumbled and rambling they might be." She continued looking directly at Maura, holding her gaze with her own chocolate eyes. "And when I was driving during the Carson case, I began to realize…." She trailed off, suddenly uncertain. What exactly did she begin to realize? That Maura was not just a friend, not just a best friend, not just the most important… Wow, did she really think that? Jane considered thoughtfully. Yes, Maura was the most important person in her life, and had been for longer than Jane could actually remember when the change occurred.
She thought back to their stilted first meeting in the cafeteria line, when Maura didn't know who she was, back in Vice while still technically recovering from Hoyt, but medically cleared. How Maura had thought Jane to be a streetwalker with no money; but even then, offering cash and some uninvited advice, all in the spirit of kindness. The next time they had met face to face was Jane's first day back in Homicide and the detective had gone to the morgue, both to pick up a report and to meet the new ME that everyone had nicknamed "The Queen of the Dead." The gossip concerning Maura had hardly been flattering, and Jane was prepared to meet someone less appetizing than Dr. Pike. So, opening the door to the examining room and seeing the doctor across the room, straightening instruments on a tray next to a cloth-covered body, Jane mistook her for a tech or an intern.
"Oh, sorry," she said, "I was told the new ME was in here," as she began to back out, to go to the Medical Examiner's private office.
"I'm Dr. Isles," Maura's voice caught her before the door closed. "What can I do for you, uh…" she trailed off, recognizing the 'hooker' from a few weeks ago. "Do you have a reason to be in the morgue, miss?"
"I'm Detective Rizzoli—Jane Rizzoli," the brunette walked toward the petite blonde woman, smirking slightly at the 'miss.' "Hey, you're the one that tried to give me money in the cafeteria!" The smirk grew larger, "You thought I was a prostitute!"
"Well, of course, I did," the doctor returned, seriously. "Your clothing, make-up, … you-your shoes! What was I supposed to think?" Even then, Jane could see the uncertainty in the doctor's eyes about her social miscues. "You exhibited all the traits—"
"—I certainly hope so, since I was, you know, undercover," Jane couldn't help that first smile at the doctor. "I assure you, though, I'm really a detective, back in homicide. And I'm here for the O'Leary report, if it's ready."
The doctor seemed a bit disconcerted, as if she couldn't reconcile her initial impression of Jane with the reality of this meeting. "I—of course," she stammered, slightly. "I called Detective Korsak about the file—" glancing at the clock on the wall "—twenty-two minutes ago."
Once again, a grin was threatening to run away with Jane's face. "And I've been down here for about 15 of those 22 minutes now."
"Oh! Yes, I'm sorry!" Maura blushed as she went to the far counter to pick up a folder. "I was expecting Detective Korsak or Detective Frost—I'm very sorry for any offense—"
"It's all good, doc," Jane interrupted, taking the offered file. "See ya around."
Jane smile at the memory that the knee-high patent leather boots with the 4-inch heel seemed to be the most offensive thing to the doctor about Jane's undercover identity, not the actual role as a hooker. The next day, Maura had surprised Jane at her desk with a take-out salad and bottle of water for lunch. The day after that, Jane reciprocated. And the standing lunch 'date' – as well as a deep friendship – was born.
"I let you be who you need to be," Maura said boldly, interrupting Jane's musing, once again sitting up, reaching for Jane's right hand, and interlocking their fingers firmly. "And, you let me be who I am, who I need to be. I don't have to consider which words to say, or how to behave, when I'm with you. I can just be myself; and I think you know that you can just be yourself, also." She reigned herself in, realizing she was talking circular logic. "It's not unusual that two people, particularly women in predominantly male-centric occupations, find that it is more comfortable to entrust in each other rather compete. And in confiding, they may find a degree of security in the relationship –"
"I was just thinking that," the detective admitted. "I was remembering the first time we met—well, both first times we met." Both women smiled at the memories. "I let you in so fast, Maura," the confession was quiet, but heartfelt. "I don't let anyone in. And you've seen some of the worst, darkest…." Jane trailed off, not wanting to complete the thought, but also knowing that she didn't need to. And, that was something else about Maura: the doctor always seemed to know what Jane needed—sometimes before the detective knew herself. Like the impromptu massage Maura had given Jane when the Carson case was wearing on her last nerve, Jane hadn't said anything about her shoulders being in knots, but the blonde had just known. "I haven't even told Frankie a… a third of the things I've shared with you, and he's always been there for me." Jane looked up earnestly, holding Maura's gaze with her own. "You know me well enough to know that I push people away. So how—why did I let you in? What is it about you—you and me—" Jane shook her head in frustration. "I'm so good at figuring out other people's motives, and exposing their vulnerabilities to get them to confess. Why can't I figure out my own motives?"
Doctor Isles carefully considered Jane's questions, weighing and rejecting the possibility that the brunette was speaking rhetorically. However, she wasn't sure at what level Jane wanted answers. Jane was truly evaluating their relationship, and questioning her motives for beginning the friendship? For maintaining it and nurturing it? For changing it? Which? Maura was uncertain, and that left her unable to respond, even though she felt the detective wanted her to. In fact, the doctor grasped suddenly, she had seen Jane use this specific style of questioning in interrogation, when she didn't know the witness/suspect's actual role in the murder she was investigating. She decided to call Jane on it.
"Using your interrogation techniques on me isn't going to get answers any more quickly, Jane," the doctor said, straightening her shoulders and letting go of the detective's hand. Jane at least had the decency to look ashamed, but Maura didn't know what conclusions the detective had already drawn. "I have a suggestion," she ventured, "why don't you ask me a question that you want me to answer directly. No misdirection, no misunderstandings."
After an initial surprise at the suggestion, Jane nodded, "Okay. Okay, yeah." She reached for Maura's hand again, grasping it tightly in her own, like her life depended on it. And with the next question, the detective recognized that her life would change from here on out.
"Uh—Have—Have you ever," Jane stammered over the first couple of words internally mocking herself, Jesus, Rizzoli, get a grip! She swallowed, and tried again, "ummm, where do you see our rela—our friendship in the next few years?"
Smirking slightly at the detective's "Freudian slip," Maura considered the question carefully, knowing her answer could, and probably would, change their relationship. She rubbed Jane's knuckles subconsciously, as she began to slowly speak.
"Like you, I had never had any close female friends—or actually any close friends at all. I had colleagues, I had co-workers, I had classmates, I had acquaintances, I had lovers, but never friends. But, I was okay with that, really. I had my career, I had a social schedule, there weren't many days or nights where I was alone. But I was lonely," Maura admitted quietly, looking down at their intertwined hands. Now Jane was the one rubbing soft circles in the doctor's palm. "When I met you—the second time, in the morgue—I felt something that I'd never felt from another human being before: acceptance. You accepted me on face value, so to speak. You didn't know me, other than from the rude woman who had tried to give you money, but it was like you immediately set aside that assumption and looked at me, just me, as a person. Yes, you were there as a detective seeking the Medical Examiner; but you saw me as a person first, not a title. I can't explain it precisely, because it was more a sensation—"
"Your gut," Jane interrupted.
Laughing, and meeting Jane's eyes again, "My intestines had nothing to do with it, thank you very much!" But then she shrugged. "I don't know what it was. But I brought you lunch the next day, and I had never presumed to bring anyone a meal without knowing their preferences, their allergies… but I did. And you thanked me and smiled at me, like I was the kindest person in the world..." The doctor trailed off, reminiscing about the feeling of contentment the detective instilled in her, even now.
"You are, you know," Jane said, breaking Maura's reverie, "You are the kindest person in the world. I have never met anyone like you, and probably never will again." She squeezed the blonde's hand firmly, "But you haven't answered the question…"
"I'm getting there," Maura smiled again. "I just had to give you some background from my point of view." She took a deep breath and picked up, "Anyway, we just became 'us,' lunch partners, work partners, friends, and best friends, so quickly, like a whirlwind. But we are good as 'us' and I would never want to chance harming 'us.'"
Even though Jane's expression barely changed, Maura could see the disappointment begin to fill the brunette's eyes, thinking that Maura was saying that she wanted them to remain best friends, and not change. And in that instant, Maura knew that Jane felt the same way the doctor herself felt, that their friendship was evolving into a relationship of a different sort. The disappointment in Jane's brown eyes confirmed it more convincingly than any words could speak it. However, Maura knew that Jane held to a philosophy of "seeing is believing," a great deal of which made her such an excellent detective. Jane didn't jump to conclusions unless the evidence supported it; Jane didn't confront a suspect until the evidence pointed to them. And while sometimes the evidence was misleading, far more times than not, Jane's adamant stand on following the evidence and her own instincts led to the correct conclusion of the case.
"In a lot of ways, we are very alike," Maura began again, trying to ground the detective in the positives. "We both have a very strong sense of justice, we both look to facts for guidance, and we are both strong personalities in our fields. And, we are different in several ways, too. I try to keep my emotions out of my analysis; you go with your 'gut.'" A smirk from the brunette encouraged her to continue, "I try to eat healthy, and you eat the burgers at the Robber. I use yoga to settle my emotions and to calm myself; you punch a canvas dummy. I—"
The doctor was cut off suddenly by the detective leaning forward to capture Maura's lips in a gentle, yet deliberate, kiss. In terms of kisses, this one was nothing spectacular. It lasted a mere 2.25 seconds, neither woman opening their mouths to the other, barely enough of a kiss to register to the ME, even as Jane pulled back just far enough to look deeply in her eyes. The brunette's expression was decidedly sheepish, even as a small smile played around her lips, "I—I've… I've wanted to do that ever since…. Well, a while now," Jane stuttered quietly, bringing up her left hand to softly stroke Maura's cheek.
To say Maura was stunned silent was an understatement. Never in her wildest hypotheses had she believed that Jane would take the initiative and move their relationship forward. This entire evening had been about the doctor leading the detective into the conversation, and, Maura believed, practically forcing Jane to confess that the brunette had feelings for her. But Jane had surprised her, once again, by kissing her, unprompted and unexpected, but definitely not unwelcome. And she was literally dumbfounded. Yet, in the back of her mind, she realized the longer she remained silent, unmoving, unspeaking, the quicker Jane would—
The detective abruptly stood up and moved away, grabbing her beer bottle from the table (when had she put it down?), heading for the kitchen, retreating so swiftly that Maura felt she had blinked only once and Jane was gone. And if Maura didn't speak now, immediately, the detective would be really gone, out the door and into the night. "Jane!" Maura practically shouted, rising herself, following. "Jane, I'm sorry, I was just—"
"It's okay, Maur," Jane cut her off, turning from the sink where she had dumped the last of her beer out, toward the garbage can. "I was out of line. I'm the one that is sorry, I should never have…." She trailed off dejectedly. "I should go." Jane side-stepped to go around Maura, but the doctor caught her arm.
"No, Jane," she cried, grabbing the detective's other arm and forcing Jane to face her. "No, you are not out of line. You just surprised me, shocked me. I never thought you would—you would kiss me—"
"Yeah, I'm sorry—" the detective began again, having barely heard Maura's words.
"Jane! Jane, listen to me," Maura held firmly to the brunette's forearms, stepping closer to Jane, and forcing Jane to take an involuntary step back, placing them both in the kitchen, between the island and the sink. "You surprised me, but you didn't overstep. I just wasn't expecting you to kiss me… but I wanted you to, Jane. I've wanted you to kiss me for a long time."
This time Maura's words registered to the detective, and she looked down into Maura's eyes to see if the doctor was being truthful. Duh, Rizzoli, she internally chided herself, this is Maura, the woman who can't lie without breaking out in hives for days. And as she had known, all she saw reflected in green eyes was love, and compassion, and desire, and … a little bit of fear. As the two stared at each other, both of them cataloging the emotions being shown so openly, Jane unhurriedly moved her hands to rest at Maura's hips, and the doctor slid her arms up to encircle the detective's neck. Gradually, barely moving, they inched closer, Maura raising her chin up to meet Jane halfway. As their lips met for the second time, they both closed their eyes.
A/N: I'm really tempted to finish this here. It *feels* done. What do you think?