Insight

Clarke

Clarke absorbed every detail of Aiden's Conclave. It was a beautiful location overlooking Polis and the air that filled her lungs was stunningly clear. It actually felt good to breathe. An essential element had quickly turned addictive.

The midmorning light was equally amazing. Every color reflected vibrancy, each hue shined bright.

Then there was Lexa. The dress she wore fit her perfectly. For one second, Clarke imagined her as a bride, her bride. The thought made her id stand at attention. She forced it down, not out of anger, rage or disgust, but respect. Now was not time a time for fantasy and desire. Now was a time for support. It took every ounce of energy she had to accept the fact that this Conclave meant more talk of death and reincarnation, but she gave it consciously.

A second voice appeared as Aiden pledged his declaration. It was confusing to Clarke. Was she hearing what she thought she heard? Could there really be two voices in stereo, with the same inflection and same cadence? The new one took a moment to recognize, but once it became clear, there was no doubt in her mind that it was Lexa's. She sounded exactly how Clarke imagined she would as a child.

Clarke stood in awe watching Aiden being sworn in as Lexa's Second while listening to Lexa's voice as she became Anya's. No childlike image of the young Heda appeared, only her voice rang through.

What struck Clarke most was the authentic dedication and commitment to each sentiment and how consciously two extremely young people made it. It affected her deeply. She began to understand, on a deeper lever, Lexa's culture, her role, and her destiny.

The proclamations Aiden and Lexa made were of peace and protection, wisdom and reverence, bravery and intellect. This is what Clarke wanted in a leader and how she herself had hoped to lead. She considered whether or not she would have been more successful had she been trained the way Aiden and Lexa were.

Clarke knew she could not continue living surrounded by so much death, fear, and violence. It was literally killing her molecule by molecule. The smell of fatality rarely left her nostrils these days and a second didn't go by when she didn't hate herself for what she'd done.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, everything went black. Black like Clarke had only seen in space. What followed was the feeling of her body flying through the air. The second she made contact; she knew she had landed on stone.

Air was forced from her lungs on impact. No matter what her brain said, her body refused to inhale. Moments turned into what felt like minutes. Fear; there was just so much of it. Then the ringing started, breaking the silence, and she heard a voice cut through. Who screamed her name, she didn't know. Then came a force out of nowhere, not like hands, but energy. It rolled her onto her side causing her airway to open. She gasped and her lungs filling rapidly. She could taste iron and smell ammunition and rocket fuel.

"Move!" a voice demanded. "Find Lexa!" Clarke still didn't recognize the voice. She looked with her eyes toward where it came. The blackness turned into wafts of grey. Smoke. The blackness was smoke and now it was grey and it was everywhere. Her mind processed what had just happened. She started to make sense of it all.

"FIND LEXA!" the voice demanded again. It was so close to her ears this time it was unnerving. Maybe it was inside her ears? Maybe it was inside her head? Maybe it was her own voice? Maybe it was Wanheda's?

Clarke forced herself onto her knees. She looked in the direction where Lexa had been. She saw no one. There was a collapsed stone alter where Lexa and Aiden had stood just moments earlier. Jagged boulders as well. They seemed to be plunging up from the earth core. And there were flames, small flames everywhere.

Clarke panicked. Her breathing was becoming irregular. The small gasps of air which she could manage weren't making their way to the heart of her lungs. "ON YOUR FEET!" the voice commanded. She complied and within an instant made her way toward the area where Lexa once was. The smoke cleared and she caught a glimpse of what she knew had to be Lexa's lower body.

Fear coursed through her as her breath became even shallower. She could see Lexa was pinned under a thick stone slab. With uncanny strength, she lifted the stone away, making sure not to cause any injury in the process. She was indescribably relieved to find Lexa alive and regaining consciousness.

Clarke looked deeply into the beautiful commanders eyes and saw an equal mix of shock and compassion. Not awe, compassion. How is it that Lexa could speak compassionately with her eyes, no matter what situation they found themselves in?

The two instantly scanned the scene for pressing danger. Finding none they moved eyes up and down the others body. They didn't even bother to check themselves first; they were far more concerned with the others wellbeing.

Clarke became mindful when Lexa noticed her shallow breathing. She would never forget the way the Commander held her gaze and assuredly said, "You're safe now. Breathe slowly and breathe into my hand," which she placed on Clarke's naval.

Breathing as instructed, Clarke examined every inch of her Queen. Her black dress had made it impossible to see the blood at first, but with a closer examination it became clear. Clarke felt the color rush from her face and knew Lexa had seen her pale.

"You're wounded," she whispered.

"I'm not." Lexa replied extending her arms while seeing Clarke staring at her neck and shoulder. She brought her hand there and ran her fingers over the fabric pulling them back to find night's blood. "Aiden," she screamed decibels above the sounds of people around them starting to recover.

Both women shot into action. Another quick scan led their eyes to Titus. Lexa rushed to his side and told him to lie still. She was there when Clarke rolled away the stone that allowed Aiden's young broken body to be seen.

Lexa's bellow would have alarmed the living and the dead. She made her way to Aiden's side and held him in her arms, bringing his sweet youthful face to her breast, stroking his hair like a mother would. Titus made his way to the boy as well. Touching Aiden's leg he offered the obligatory, "Your fight is over."

"May we meet again," Lexa added with tears welling in her eyes. She kissed him lightly before scanning the scene around her. Her guards, now at the ready, took action the instant she commanded, "Find Ontari!"

Though it felt like a split second, it had to have been hours later when Clarke, Lexa and Titus were back in the war room at Polis. No one spoke of what it meant to have lost Aiden or how many years of training lie ahead for whoever would be chosen his successor. They did speak of Ontari, however, and how she'd had her revenge. The fact that she was nowhere to be found was alarming. Even more alarming was the possibility of whomever she might align with next. Lexa became more and more agitated with the conversation and the second Titus brought up the smell of ammunition and fuel she furiously demanded he leave.

Being the natural born caregiver that she was, Clarke wanted to comfort Lexa, but had no idea how. She was still processing the scent of rocket fuel. Alongside her confusion was guilt. It surged through her. She had made her reservations about Aiden clear and she now felt incredible regret about this. Self-hatred arose within her once again. She loathed the part of her that felt a sense of relief that Lexa would now have to fight to live.

Seeing Lexa in such pain tore at Clarke's soul so much that even though she didn't know how to help, she knew she had to try. She padded quietly toward the window where Lexa stood staring out and gently placed a hand on the lithe cat eyed Commanders shoulder before whispering, "Lexa, what can I do? How can I help?"

Lexa swung around so quickly it caught Clarke completely off guard. It reminded her of the panther from the woods, the one that nearly killed her. In an instant she understood that the warrior in Lexa had become animalized. There was no describing the shock that ran through her system when Heda, wild eyed and nostrils flared, pushed her backward then backward some more until she was pinned up against the stone wall, hands above her head, wrists held firm in Lexa's grip, eyes and mouths only inches apart.

"Did you do this?" she demanded. "Were you once again trying to fix things you cannot fix, things that are not yours to fix, just so you don't have to experience my death?"

Clarke was shocked. How could Lexa think this of her? Tears surfaced instantly.

"Lexa, I would never hurt you or your people like this." Clarke managed to say before her throat became too constricted with emotion to continue. Her heart raced and ached with the realization that the distrust between them had just become mutual. Up until that moment it had always Clarke who questioned Lexa's actions, but now the tables were turned. The tears that head surfaced now broke free and streamed down. She shook underneath Lexa's tight grasp and took no comfort in the way Heda used her strong thighs and upper body to press Clarke more firmly against the wall.

The two women stared into each other's eyes for a very long time. Clarke's emanated fear and tried to communicate the truth. She needed Lexa to believe that she would never hurt her like this. Heda took her time deciding whether to believe Clarke or not, but once she did her eyes began to soften and Clarke shuddered with relief.

Lexa slowly loosened her grip, leaving red marks and fingernail indentations on Clarke's wrists. With the same animalization as before she launched off the curvaceous blonde's body and turned her rage toward the war table violently sweeping every item off it and toward the wall opposite Clarke. She then moved to her throne and flipped it over as if it were made of matchsticks. Next she placed her attention on the heavy ceiling to floor drapes behind the Queens station. She unhinged them so aggressively and with such force they could be heard swooshing through the air. Then she made her way to the clay water pitcher and mugs which shattered and echoed throughout the chamber. By the time she'd knocked down every sword and staff the guards were at the door. They burst in and were sent away as quickly as they came. Lexa had hissed her disapproval and the power of it was strong enough to penetrate dense objects, Clarke's body being one of the most obvious. Lexa's pain pierced her skin.

The interaction with the guards halted Lexa's rageful assault, however. She stood still for many seconds staring at the door through which they came and left.

It was clear to Clarke that Lexa was putting herself back together. She stood there for several minutes watching Heda become Lexa again then fall to her knees and place her palms over her eyes.

Clarke wanted to move toward the wounded warrioress, but was still pinned against the wall. It was as if she were held in place by an invisible force. She hadn't moved a single inch, but when the warrioress collapsed, the voice inside her returned. "Go to her! Go now!"

Clarke gently pulled Lexa's hands from her eyes and placed them in her lap. She then wove her fingers into the Commanders hair and encouraged eye contact. "It's going to be okay," she whispered. "We'll figure this out and we'll find Ontari."

Lexa appeared to contemplate Clarke's words then nodded slowly. She offered no resistance when Clarke lifted her to her feet. Opposition came only when Clarke walked her toward the bed. "No!" she said hoarsely, "I'm covered in Aiden's blood."

Clarke realized Lexa was correct. They had only been back in Polis for a short while and hadn't had time for hygiene. She immediately went to the door and ordered the guards to have hot water and basins brought up. They looked right past Clarke to their Commander for permission. She nodded and within minutes the request was met.

"Please sit," Clarke whispered. Lexa complied, but it was clear that she was not yet herself. Still she allowed Clarke to begin carefully removing her armor. Once her Queen was stripped of metal and leather, Clarke sought permission to continue. Lexa consented once more.

Slowly and gently, Clarke washed off as much blood as possible. She saved the dried streak descending from Lexa's collarbone under the fabric toward her breast for last. She made soft eye contact and gave Lexa time to process her movements. She unhurriedly reached out to undo the highest clasp above Lexa's cleavage and instantly felt a surge of sexual energy flare. Her movements must have somehow triggered desire. She felt ashamed or her libido and tried to will it into submission. Now was not the time.

After successfully unclasping the first, Clarke reached for the next. For the second time that evening she experienced the animalized swiftness of Lexa's unpredictable response. This time instead of being pinned against a stone wall she found herself on her back pinned to the stone floor, hands and wrists once again pinned above her head, nails digging in. She inhaled sharply as the cat eyed lithe Commander planked her, emanating a power that invoked lightheadedness like she had never known. She was at once wholly aroused and terrified.

Lexa held strong and allowed for no movement from the woman beneath her. She seemed to be considering options.

Clarke had no idea what would happen next. She tried to focus on the only thing Lexa's offered and matched her breath. She melted as each inhalation pulled her in and each exhalation set her free. The desire coursing through her veins was overwhelming. She blinked several times and bit her bottom lip, an action that conjured a look of satisfaction on the warrioresses face.

Seeing Lexa take pleasure in her sexual power stripped Clarke of all resolve. She couldn't take anymore of Lexa's metaphysical penetration and stopped breathing altogether. What oxygen was left in her body took station in her lower abdomen. She could literally feel heat rise and swirl between their bodies. Lexa hadn't moved a single inch and yet it felt like she had bore into the crux of her very being.

Clarke shuddered when Lexa used her strong arms to lower herself and disappear all but an inch of space between their bodies, starting with her core, then her breast and finally her mouth. Clarke's hips involuntarily trusted upward, but met nothing but air. Lexa lifted just in time and just enough to prevent responded with a long slow throaty growl. The animal within her was taking over; she couldn't think; her mind stopped working completely; her body was no longer her own. She had absolutely no control of the situation. Lexa had it all, every last bit. She acquiesced and lowered her perfectly shaped ass back to the floor and surrendered.

Elation would be the right adjective to use for the way Clarke felt when Lexa lowered herself once again. She hoped for contact this time, but wasn't surprised it was withheld. She tried to will Lexa to kiss her, but failed. She gasped for air when Lexa brought her mouth a millimeter from her ear and in a heated whisper said, "You're going to need to make a decision soon, Clarke. We're coming to a crossroad. Energy is precious and it can no longer be wasted on this push/pull thing we do, especially now with Aiden gone. If you're going to forgive me, forgive me. If you're going to love, love me. If you're not going to do these thing, let me go." And just like that she lifted herself in a move so graceful Clarke didn't believe it even happened. Lexa was on her feet and only heat lingered.

It took her several moments for Clarke to catch her breath. She simply lay there on the cold floor listening to Lexa pour a bath then drag the remaining water and second basin to another area of the war room where she'd take her own in private. She considered the pouring of the first to be an invitation to stay and was grateful for she did not want to leave.

Both women stayed in their respective spaces for hours. Clarke went over Lexa's words again and again. Desire still coursed through her veins and her fingers involuntarily made way to the wetness generated by their exchange and migrated to her taught nipple and full breasts while she bathed. She stopped herself every time she became aware of her actions. She couldn't risk Lexa feeling her sexual energy resurface. The warrioress had made it very clear that they were not going to share intimacy again until Clarke had worked through her stuff.

Clarke was the first to rise from her bath. She'd soaked so long the water had become cold. She took liberty and helped herself to the Commanders wardrobe. She chose something for herself and something for her Queen, which she placed near the area Lexa bathed. She got close enough to indicate she'd left something for her, but not close enough to invade space. Then she set to putting Heda's war room back together, the whole time pondering her need to "fix things". She snuck peaks in Lexa's direction, from time to time, making sure not to be seen. Lexa rarely moved from her position. She just sat there in the water, staring out the window, occasionally cupping her palms over her eyes. Clarke knew Lexa was fighting back tears and it tore at her soul.

When Lexa finally slipped from her bath and dressed, she padded directly to Clarke side and dropped to her knees. She took Clarke's hands into her own and whispered, "I'm sorry. I should never have pushed boundaries like. I hope I didn't hurt you." She then looked down and could see that there were indeed marks on Clarke's wrists. Sadness took over her delicate features and she was about to speak when Clarke pulled her into an embrace.

Clarke was astounded to feel Lexa shaking. She was in awe of the way the Commander could be so power yet so vulnerable. She pulled away slightly, rose to her feet and lifted Lexa to hers, just like she did the night of her featly vow. Hand in hand they stood, just like before, gazing into each other's eyes, only this time Clarke walked them to Lexa's bed where they faced one another.

"Will you stay until I fall asleep?" Lexa whispered – her voice giving away hopefulness.

"Yes, Clarke whispered nodding affirmation. She then eased Lexa down on her side and climbed behind her, spooning her and pulling the covers over them both. She held Lexa close and memorized ever curve of her body, stroking her arms gently, generating heat, but being extremely careful not to invoke any sexual energy.

Clarke awoke to the sensation of Lexa's hands touching her own. It was daylight and they were in the exact same position they were earlier, spooning, curves melding, fingertips touching. She'd slept little and spent much time thinking about what she wanted to say. She promised herself she would be completely open and vulnerable and state her needs; needs that if met might help her to come to a place of forgiveness.

"Hey," she whispered in Lexa's ear.

"Hey," Lexa replied turning slightly.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better."

"Good," Clarke purred.

"You stayed."

"Yeah, I was hoping we could talk about something, but I can understand if you're not up to it right now."

Lexa elegantly turned her entire body toward Clarke, made eye contact, and nodded in such a way that she felt encouraged. She spoke in a raspy beautiful tone and manner. Her words had poise, grace and strength. "Lexa, I want to figure this out, but I don't know that I can in this setting. I need for us to find time away somehow, just the two of us; no Heda; no Wanheda; no Coalition; no SkyCru; no Grounders; just us, just Lexa and Clarke. We deserve a chance at something better than all this, something more. I want us to…"

The sound of knocking awoke Clarke with a start. A guards voice on the other side of the door bellowed, "The Commander requests your presence in chambers. In one hour there will be an acknowledgement of Prince Roan's transition to King."

Clarke closed her eyes in absolute confusion. It was all a dream. All of it, a dream.

The night before she'd sent Lexa away from her room and now here she was dreaming about her and their intimate relationship. She threw her head back in utter frustration and collapsed onto the bed. And just like in her dream, her fingers involuntarily made way to the most sacred parts of her body.