Come What May

Lexa

Lexa took a second to go over the past forty-eight hours. Her face and ribs still hurt from combat with Prince Roan. Her heart ached for having been sent away from Clarke's room the night before as well. Putting herself that far out there was an act of bravery more difficult then accepting Niyah's challenge.

It seemed as if there were a lot of road left to travel before Clarke and Lexa would pick up where they were before Mount Weather. The reality that it might not lead to an intimate relationship was sinking in. Confusion was as well. Clarke seemed to say one thing with her words and another with her eyes and body. For example, their morning began wonderfully. They had shared many intimate looks on the way to Arcadia, looks that seemed to speak volumes, yet Clarke was leaving Polis and going home. That was before the dead bodies of an entire army appeared.

Now Lexa paced back and forth. How did I get here, she asked quietly before letting a flood of memories suggest an answer. It all started with the boy they called Finn. The way Clarke looked at him reminded her of what she once had. So she caved and disappointed her people; people who counted on her ruthlessness and leadership to save them from the vicious cycle of war and death. This is where her unraveling begins.

The instant the Sky Queen offered herself in exchange for Finn's life, Lexa understood. She would have done the same for Costia, even if it meant leaving her people without a Commander. The way Clarke admitted to having blood on her hands, the way she ended Finn's life right in front of an army who believed they deserved retribution, the way she made no apology; it was all so easy for her. She was a young leader and things in her mind were still a certain way. It was one way or the other, right or wrong, just or unjust. She stood in judgment and in judgment over others. And now here she was lying on the ground at Indra's side while Lexa stood watch over the night.

With hands entwined behind her back, Lexa moved about the war tent, her head occasionally nodding from side to side. It was as if she was saying no, but to whom? Herself or Heda? Did it really matter? The answer had to be yes, no matter how much reservation she felt. She had to agree to Clarke's request. Now was the time to take a first real step toward peace. She would not call for revenge and call for peace instead.

The Commander went over her advantages. She had won a huge victory over Ice Nation and asserted her skill and power in battle with King Roan. This was huge. Her physical power was no longer in question. And, the coup had failed. Yet there was no guarantee there wouldn't be another. If there were, she could be sure that some of her own people would participate as well. Convincing Polis to take a peaceful approach was going to be nearly impossible, Indra was right and Lexa knew it. Indra was also right about weaponry. They stood no chance against the Sky People without taking up arms of equal velocity, the thought of which made Lexa feel physically ill.

Looking down at Clarke, Lexa tuned into the curvaceous blondes steady breathing. She felt relieved that Clarke was able to get some rest. She so desperately wanted to please her and more than anything she wanted to keep her vow. She'd promised herself she would do everything in her power to NEVER betray Clarke again, a promise that now seemed to be entangled with Clarke's requests. The amount of danger Clarke's bid put her in was not discussed aloud. She wondered whether Clarke truly understood what she was asking. Lexa again thought about how Clarke seemed to think decisions were so easy, so cut and dry.

Sighing loudly, Lexa came face to face with her anger over the senseless attack. What was Pike thinking? Then she realized he wasn't. Leaders like him come and go. They exert muscle and bravado. They're like short distance runners who cannot get past the hundred-yard line. He'll be gone in a month and yet his people will have suffered his rein in unimaginable ways. His legacy will be determined by what he does next. Lexa's will as well. Her entire life's mission had been instantly dismantled by Pikes decision.

Sky People brought a whole new level of violence to Heda's world. She often felt saddened by this fact, not overwhelmed or angered, saddened. She wanted Clarke's people to be her people, but she didn't want this part of them. Their ways were just more to manage. Their ways had ultimately led to Earth's destruction. All the mass murder, poverty, disparity, industrialization, nuclear devastation, disease causing medications and brain washing fear mongering of the Twenty-First Century could be found in Pike's display of manhood. The ruthless part of her wanted to personally remove him from power, but she knew she shouldn't. His rein would end when his people said so.

Lexa stole another quick glance in Clarke's direction. She closed her eyes softly and felt a sense of despair. The Sky Queen's Commander was truly her undoing. If only the attraction would leave, she thought to herself. If only she could stop wanting her, wanting to please her, wanting to love her. The attraction she felt for Clarke had always taken more than it gave. It bled into every decision she made, starting with Finn and now quite possibly ending with Pike.

If Lexa considered Clarke's request from Heda perspective, she knew the curvaceous blonde was asking too much. She also knew Wanheda could use her sexual power over Lexa to get what she wanted. She couldn't blame her, it was a beautiful display of power after all.

Heda often saw thing more clearly than Lexa, especially when it came to attraction. She also saw the two women as equally matched and knew the legendary warrior was as ruthless and calculating as she'd ever be. Ideas didn't simply pop into Clarke's head as they appeared; Wanheda placed them there. Wanheda strategized and played a long game. The question of the hour was whether Wanheda was taking advantage of Lexa through Clarke to save her people.

Another long slow sigh slipped from the lithe Commanders chest. She had to get behind this decision and accept the outcome. It might be the last decision she made in this body. And the more she paced the room, the more she became aware of the deaths energy lingering in the shadows. She grounded herself and tried to feel strong. "Come what may," she whispered into the darkness. Rather than making her feel strong, the affirmation weakened her. She felt a lump in her throat and had to fight back tears. She wanted desperately to be held, not by anyone, by Clarke. The emotional swing between winning the battle with Kind Roan to the slaughter of an entire army was taking a toll. "Come what may," she repeated then said it a third time hoping the words would really sink in.