The rest of the Intelligence team sat back at the district, they were frustrated and feeling pretty bloody useless. Voight, Lindsay and Halstead had all taken off to New York in search of Yates and Nadia, and they were left behind to chase up any loose threads that might help them. The mood of the room was pretty tense and every time a phone rang they jumped like a gun had been let off and then waited. Nothing….they had heard nothing and all calls went unanswered.
Ruzek checked in with Burgess; she and Roman were back out on Patrol. She had been pretty shaken up last night after finding out that Nadia had disappeared. Along with Roman they had been the ones who had initially made contact with Yates and brought him in for the first time, perhaps setting this chain of events in motion. He had made her skin crawl and she was relieved when Adam got home, even though it was well after midnight so she could finally sleep. When he crawled into bed she quickly buried herself in his arms and he knew what she was feeling. "This is not on you and Roman, but I am here with you right now and it's going to be okay."
'You don't know that?"
"No I don't, but I know you are safe and right now that's all I can do."
Adam jumped up to grab a coffee; his fifth cup so far, which would drive Kim insane later when he was bouncing off the walls. Antonio followed him into the break room, "Man, this is just bullshit." He muttered, frustrated not to be doing more.
Antonio agreed, "But we have our jobs to do here and you're doing good." With Voight gone it was up to Antonio and Al to steady this ship. Ruzek and Atwater were young officer's, inexperienced at dealing with something so close to home.
A phone rang from the Bullpen and they both headed back. Al was talking; his face was unreadable. 'Okay, yep, right.' He turned away from the expectant faces watching him. 'Keep us informed.'
He turned back to face them and they knew before he even spoke. "They found Nadia." His voice choked a little. "They have Yates." Despite having not said the words each of them knew that Nadia was dead, Ruzek sat down heavily at his desk, his head in his hands.
Antonio was the first to speak. "What did he do?"
"You know his MO." Al didn't need to say anymore, he didn't know all the details but the few that he did were consistent with his previous murders.
The room was silent, painfully silent. Nothing could be said that could make this any better, no one could move. The late afternoon sun cast weak shafts of light across the room but no one noticed. It wasn't until Platt appeared at the top of the stairs that they came back to reality and by the look on her face, they could see that she knew. It was a rare show of vulnerability from Platt but Nadia had been one of the few that had broken her down.
She glanced around the half empty bullpen, not feeling the need to say anything as the desperate looks on their faces said it all. Eventually she spoke, her voice cracked. "Adam." She rarely called him by his first name. He looked up at her. "Burgess and Roman are heading back to District, they don't know yet." He nodded when he understood what Platt was telling him. She wanted him to be there for Burgess when she found out.
She turned to the rest of the team. "Commander Fisher does not expect you to see out the rest of the day. You take the time you need." She felt her voice quiver and quickly left before she completely lost it. Adam looked at Al, who motioned for him to go.
Platt was back behind her desk, shuffling some papers that Adam knew she had no interest in. Roman was first through the door, followed by Burgess and neither of them had their usual spring in their step. "You wanted us back Sargent?" he asked but deep inside he already knew the reason why and for that reason it had been a quiet ride back in the squad car.
Kim stopped in her tracks when she saw Adam, standing at the side of the desk, hands shoved deep in his pockets, his head slightly bowed. When he lifted his head she knew. "No, No, No" her hands flew to her face. Roman turned and reached out to steady her while Adam took three quick strides and wrapped her up in his arms. Roman turned back to Platt and she was staring straight ahead, tears brimming in her usually hard eyes.
Adam led her upstairs and Roman followed and he stopped in the Bullpen while Adam took Kim through to the quiet locker room. "I'm so sorry Baby." He whispered against her hair as he took all her weight when her knees buckled. They ended up on the floor, Adam resting against the lockers with Kim sobbing in his arms. It broke his heart. He was devastated that Nadia had been brutally murdered; he liked Nadia yet knowing how heartbroken his girl was made it even worse.
Her head was buried in his chest and he could feel the dampness of her tears through his shirt, he rested his head on hers and closed his eyes and they stayed there trying to come to grips with the tragedy of it all. Kim wiped away her tears and whispered "How? When?"
"I don't know Darlin'. Al only spoke to New York briefly." His hand was gently stroking her hair. "He didn't say much."
"Oh God, I hope he didn't hurt her." Kim sobbed. "Sorry that sounds stupid. Of course he hurt her; I just meant…" she choked on her words, unable to finish the sentence. Adam knew exactly what she was thinking and he also knew, from Al's less than stoic reaction that it was exactly what happened to Nadia.
"I know what you meant. Kim, sweetheart'." He held her just a little tighter.
"I can't imagine what she suffered." And the sobbing started again.
Al appeared in the doorway. "You guys need anything?" He came over and helped Kim up off the floor. Adam pulled himself up and they all re-entered the bullpen. Everyone was still there, Antonio, Atwater and Roman. They didn't want to be here but at least they were all together.
"I was thinking we should go to Molly's but I am not up to seeing anyone outside this place yet." Al started. "So we are all going back to my place. Meredith insists. No-one needs to go and be alone just yet."
Adam waited while Kim changed out of uniform. He was sitting at his desk; the rest of the bullpen was empty. Atwater and Roman left together and Antonio had gone with Al. He rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes and tried to calm his turbulent mind and he didn't hear Kim when she returned. She stood and watched him for a moment, so desperately sad and it made her heart hurt even more. Even when she placed a hand on his cheek he didn't open his eyes he just leant into it for a moment. "I love you." He whispered. "I really want you to remember that right now."
"I know." She kissed him softly. "I know."
Finally he opened his eyes. "Let's go. I can't be here anymore." He grabbed her hand tightly and they made their way to Al's. Adam knew it was a good idea to all be together, but on one hand he just wanted to curl up with Kim and try and shut it all out. He held onto her hand all the way to Al's door.
Meredith instantly drew Kim into a hug and led her into the lounge where Roman, Atwater and Platt were all sitting and talking. Kim sat down next to Atwater and leant on his shoulder for a moment.
Adam found Al and Antonio in the kitchen, talking quietly. Al handed him a glass of scotch and they raised a silent toast to Nadia. Al took a big swig and let out a long slow breath. "I spoke with Voight. Nadia…" he paused. "This piece of shit brutally raped her, beat her, strangled her and buried her in a shallow grave on a beach in Harlem, there were others. He killed another girl before they caught him, one girls' in hospital still." Adam and Antonio just stared at him. "Lindsay…Halstead is with her, she's inconsolable. They had brought the trial forward, they are staying until it's done."
Meredith appeared at the doorway. "You should join the others." She urged. She knew if those three stayed in here, stewing over the minute details it could push them places she did not want them to go. Adam and Antonio left, followed by Al who stopped to hug his wife. "Thank you." He kissed her forehead.
The mood in the other room was a little lighter, they were chatting about Nadia. Recalling those funny moments, those sweet moments. Roman was retelling the story about their day on patrol and Platt was adding her own hilarious twist to the tale. Antonio made sure that everyone knew about their first interaction with Nadia, when she kicked Ruzek in the balls. He groaned at the memory but couldn't help the little smile that played at his lips. He looked at Kim who was also smiling gently.
She was still sitting between Atwater and Roman, her two partners and he knew they were protective and loyal to her and he liked that, perhaps he would have liked to have been beside her right now, but they would all need to lean on each other so he could wait.
Adam followed Trudy out to the kitchen when he saw her get up and leave. "Sarge." Ever since they had spent some time together in hospital when Kim had been shot they had an understanding. "How are you doing?"
"I am doing okay. Thank you." She answered stiffly. "How is Burgess?"
"When the initial shock has worn off, I reckon it's going to hit her like a tonne of bricks."
"She and Roman have been booked off for tomorrow."
"I'll look after her. I promise."
Trudy smiled at him "Of course you will, or you will have me to answer to." Ah, there was the desk Sgt he knew and…well loved was not the right word….feared, respected. One thing he did really like about her was that she liked Kim, she was hard on her, pushed her buttons but she was fierce like a lion when she had to protect her cubs and Kim was one of her cubs.
"What are you two talking about?" Kim had slipped into the kitchen suddenly feeling the need to be with Adam. They had been here almost two hours and they had barely spoken to each other. He was always able to centre her with a touch or a word and right now she could feel herself spiralling again when the enormity of what had just happened swamped her.
"I was just telling lover boy that if he doesn't look after my patrol officer I will have him back in uniform so fast his feet won't touch the ground." Kim slipped an arm around his waist as Adam laughed. "Well if that's not reason enough."
Trudy asked Adam to leave them for a moment, which he did reluctantly. He dare not protest. As soon as he left Trudy turned to her young patrol officer. "I know what you are thinking."
"Sargeant." She tried to protest.
"You and Roman bought that guy in, you did your job and I know you think that because of that Nadia is now dead." Kim stared back, surprised at how precisely she knew what she felt. Had Adam told her?
"I am glad we caught him."
"We did. And you were a big part of that, do not blame yourself."
"I can't help but think if he wasn't at the station he wouldn't have seen Nadia and come back for her."
"And perhaps he would still be out there doing this to other women. You do know he killed another woman in New York and left a second woman with brain damage after what he did to Nadia. He had to be stopped. We stopped him."
Tears spilled down Kim's cheeks as her Sgt's voice broke. "We got him. Take solace in that." She squeezed Kim's arm as she quickly left the room. One thing she was determined was she was not going to cry in front of Burgess, or any of them for that matter. When she got home the flood gates could open.
Kim wiped away her tears and returned to the group. She sat on the arm of the chair that Adam was sitting in as he was leaning across talking to Roman. At one point she was worried that Adam would never forgive Roman for what happened the night she was shot, but surprisingly he just let it all go once he was satisfied that Kim was going to be alright. He casually draped an arm across her leg and she leant into him slightly.
It was some hours before everyone felt the need to leave. Kim and Adam hardly spoke on the trip home, each lost in their own memories and grief. "I'm going to take a shower." Kim dropped her bag inside the bedroom door. She let the warm water pour down over her, easing the tension she was carrying, washing away the despair even if it was momentary. She tried to focus on the water and push everything else away. Closing her eyes and tyring just to feel the water. She jumped as she felt Adam's hand on her shoulder as he stepped into the shower. It was nice having him there, she leant into him so they could both let the water wash away the day. It was comforting, supportive and reassuring.
Crawling into bed together Adam folded her into his arms, his body curled around her back. "Darlin'." He whispered and Kim rolled over to look at him in the darkened room, a small silver of light from the bathroom enabling him to see her face. "I just want to kiss you, just for a moment."
"You don't need to ask my permission."
"I know, I just didn't want you to think that I wanted anything other than to kiss you so that you know that I love you and I don't think I could get through this without you."
"You and I are going to do this together." It was bittersweet when their lips met, a melding of love and pain, of heartbreak and faith. "Adam." Her voice sounded small and weak in the dark. "I really love having you in my life. I didn't think I could have this much faith and belief and love with anyone. It's you that has given me everything I dreamt of and things that I never knew I wanted." He kissed her again, slowly and lovingly then let her rest her head on his chest and be lulled to an exhausted sleep by his steady heart while he drifted off with her in his arms.
Neither of them slept peacefully, it was 430am when Adam glanced at the clock. Kim had moved away from him so he slid closer, needing to feel her warmth. "You know what happened to Nadia don't you?" her voice startled him.
For a moment he wasn't sure how to answer. He had tried unsuccessfully to put it out of his mind and now Kim asking him brought it back to the fore. She needed to know and it wasn't fair to keep it from her but he had hoped that it would wait until morning. Adam pulled her tighter and buried his head in her shoulder. "I do."
"You don't want to tell me."
"No."
"I can't sleep." Turning over so that she was facing him, she could feel his breath on her face as he leant in and kissed her forehead. "I keep imagining what happened and hoping that my imagination is worse than reality but then I get the horrible feeling that it is not."
"I so want to tell you that it's not as bad as you think, I want to protect you from everything horrible in this world but you are a cop and you know what shit really goes on. You know how fucking horrible some people are." Kim leant across him and turned on the light.
"Please Adam."
"Yates strangled Nadia." He started slowly. "He had assaulted her, tied her up. He raped her." Adam's eyes never left Kim's face and he hated seeing the horror spread across her face as the reality of his words hit home. "They found her buried in a shallow grave just off the beach in Harlem."
"Oh my god." Kim wailed and buried her head into his chest, as she sobbed he felt the tears on his own cheeks. "I know it's not my fault, I know Roman and I did the right thing bringing him in, I know I should be proud somehow that by doing my job, the job I swore to do, to serve and protect that I played a part in stopping all this, but I can't." She looked up at him and saw the tears brimming in the soft light of the lamp. "I can't help feeling like by doing my job I put Nadia in his crosshairs. And now she dead; an undignified, brutal and agonising death. And I feel guilty for that part of me that wishes I had not been the one."
Adam put one finger on her lips to stop the rest of her sentence. "No Kim, don't. I won't let you go down that path." She lowered her head to his chest and they fell silent again, not sleeping, just silent. He reached over and turned off the light. Once the darkness enveloped him again Adam spoke, just quietly.
"I feel like an bastard because for a brief moment I was grateful that it wasn't you. It could have been you and just for a fleeting moment I was glad that it was someone else. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy but I know I couldn't live if it was you."
It was Kim's turn to comfort and reassure him. "It's okay Babe, it's okay."
"It's not okay."
"It is, I would feel exactly the same. Everyone would. You don't think that Al is happy it's not Meredith, Halstead is grateful it wasn't Erin? You are human and you have a big heart, that's one of the things I love about you. You care about people and you care deeply and fiercely for those close to you, that's a good thing. I know you, you didn't want this for Nadia."
"I am a lucky man." He pulled the sheet up over her as she shivered a little. Kim stroked his abdomen in the pre-dawn silence. She dozed off but Adam couldn't sleep. He knew what she said was right, but it still didn't feel right.
Adam slipped out of bed as the sun rose. He couldn't just lie there and pretend the last 24 hours had not happened. He wanted to go for a run to clear his head but was worried that Kim would wake up and worry were he was and he didn't want to wake her because she actually seemed to be in a deep sleep. He did some push ups and sit ups and free weights and it worked momentarily but as soon as he stopped reality returned.
He rang Al. "You heard anymore?"
"Not much, I spoke to Voight a little while ago. Nothing more to tell, they are trying to get the trial going ASAP."
"Do they need anything from us?"
"Just the report from the abduction. They can only pursue him on Nadia's disappearance and murder. They have no other evidence for all the other cases, not yet and they don't want to delay. It's the best chance. Lindsay will be on the stand."
"Shit Lindsay." He exhaled "That's gonna be rough on her."
"Yeah Kid." Al barely hid the concern in his voice. "Hey, How's Burgess?"
"Finally asleep. It's been a rough night."
"And you?"
"It's been a rough night Al." he repeated not feeling the need to go into any further details.
Adam offered to go in a send the report but Al was already at the District. He was then taking the day off. Commander Fisher had insisted that unless necessary the whole unit was not expected in today, so unless they caught a case that couldn't wait they were all on a forced day off.
Kim rolled over and reached out for Adam. She opened her eyes slowly and was surprised to look at the clock and see it was after 9am. In the bathroom and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and groaned. The last two days had certainly left their mark. She looked tired and like she spent the last 48 hours crying.
Adam could hear her moving about, so he jumped up from the paper he was reading and poured her a cup of coffee. "Hey, beautiful." She shuffled in and leant in for a kiss and morning hug. Handing her the coffee she took a mouthful before putting it aside and jumping up to sit on the bench. Adam came and stood between her legs and rested his arms on either side. "You got some sleep?"
She nodded taking another mouthful of the hot coffee. "Did you?"
"Not much." He rested his head on her chest and she ran her fingers through his messy hair. Gradually she started digging her fingers into the tight muscles of his neck. She could feel him murmur and relax under her firm pressure. "You are good to me."
"Anything new?"
"What makes you think I have spoken to anyone?" He looked up at Kim, her fingers still kneading his neck.
Kim snorted. "Because I know you."
"I spoke with Al, he was at the District just sending off our files. It seems that there is no other evidence that they can use to charge him with anything but Nadia, so that's what they are trying to push through. Lindsay will need to testify."
"How is she? I feel bad I haven't asked?"
"Gutted. I am sure that Voight and Halstead are doing their best to take care of her."
"Poor Lindsay." Kim finished off her coffee and her stomach growled. She hadn't eaten much over the last few days. Adam made her some toast and she did her best to force it down, it settled heavily in her stomach. She could hear her phone ringing from her bag where she had dropped it by the door when they got home last night. Adam grabbed it for her. "Hey man, how are you?" he answered. "Yeah, she's here, hang on." Passing the phone to her she looked at the name. Roman.
"Hey, you're not at work are you?" She queried.
"No just checking that you are alright."
"I'm okay." They had been through a lot in their year together and they had developed a pretty tight bond. The same kind of relationship that he shared with Al, so far he had no reason to doubt that Roman genuinely cared about the well being of his partner and that meant that when Adam couldn't be there for Kim, Roman would pick up the slack.
They organised to catch up for lunch. Adam declined to join them. "You and Roman need to talk about the Yates arrest and Nadia. You don't need me for that. Just don't be long, I am feeling a little possessive today." He winked.
Kim cocked an eyebrow at him "Possessive huh?"
"I just want to shut out the world for a day and be with my girl."
Adam went for a run while Kim had lunch with Roman. He talked to Al again and had a chat to Antonio. Al counselled him on his guilt over feeling relieved that it wasn't Kim, he admitted that he had that same thought and it did not diminish his grief over Nadia, that it was normal and expected.
Kim could hear the shower running when she returned from lunch. It had been good to get out and talk to Roman. He had no regrets about bringing Yates in, they did the right thing but it did not have to diminish feeling sad about Nadia.
Adam emerged from the bathroom with a towel firmly wrapped around his waist. He was surprised to see Kim sitting at the kitchen counter, checking her phone. "Couldn't keep away huh?" he dropped a kiss on her head as he headed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. "You wish." She shot back quickly.
"How was Roman?"
Kim told him about their lunch, his reinforcement that they did the right thing and were not to blame and his concern for her. It was the same concern and support that Adam was getting from Al.
Adam headed back to the bedroom to get dressed and did not hear Kim follow him; she leant on the doorframe as he hunted for a clean pair of jeans. "Need some help?" she asked coyly.
Adam smiled as he turned and Kim was smiling back at him, it was the first smile he had seen in days and it warmed his heart. There was a faint glint in her eyes, a hint of longing but Adam felt reluctant and reluctance was not something he usually experienced when Burgess got her flirt on. He let his gaze wander over her petite frame, from her skinny black jeans to her floaty white shirt and his heart skipped just a little. Despite the weariness on her face, her tired eyes and the slump of her shoulders he found her impossibly beautiful. At her lowest; and he had seen her there a few times, when she was shot, when she fought so hard to keep her and Roman alive and now when a good friend and work colleague had been brutally murdered she often shone the brightest.
There was something about seeing someone so emotionally drained, when life had taken it's toll and seeing that utter vulnerability that was beautiful. When you allow another person to see you so bare and exposed takes enormous trust and love and they had both opened themselves up at different times and the rewards had been immense.
He held out a hand to her and slowly she took it, easing into his space. He cradled her face, searching her eyes for a hint. "Is this wrong?" she asked the question he was trying himself to decipher. He pressed his lips against hers, soft, willing and passionate. "I want to feel something different." She whispered as he rested his forehead on hers. Kim pushed the towel from his waist before lifting her arms above her head as he pulled her shirt off and let it slip to the floor. In one swift motion he picked her up and deposited her on the bed. She wiggled out of her jeans as Adam watched before joining her on the bed.
It was slow and passionate and quiet. They each reached deep within themselves to find that part that could feel something other than the crushing loss and heartache of the last few days. Trying to make themselves feel better and striving to help the other feel loved. They succeeded, momentarily.
Kim propped herself up on some pillows with Adam's head resting in her lap. She stroked his face and head softly until his breathing evened out and she realised he was asleep. Resting her head against the headboard she also closed her eyes but sleep evaded her, too many thoughts whirled and crashed about in her head. So much had happened in the past year and she had let her heart lead her down certain paths, her job choices, her relationship with Adam and at times she worried that she followed her heart too much, perhaps she needed to listen to her head a little more. Although when she thought about the man she shared her life with and a year ago it did not seem possible.
Her love life had been uneventful and uninspiring, a few short-lived romances to her credit and nothing that when it ended left her heart in tatters. Still stroking his hair the depth of her love for him was as breathtaking as it was comfortable and with the events of the last days still painfully raw she recognised that life was short and could be over in the blink of an eye and they had to take every moment, every chance and just live.
Kim eventually dosed off herself and they both woke as the room started to darken with the dipping of the late afternoon sun behind the neighbouring building. "Hey." Adam nuzzled into her neck. "Thank you."
"For what?" Kim's voice was still raspy from her nap.
"Everything. Being everything I need and want." Was that a wobble of emotion she heard in his voice.
"You know what?" Kim softly ran a finger down the side of his face. "I think you and I are going places."
"Does that make you happy?"
"Unbelievably."