Disclaimer: Hell's Kitchen is a reality show produced by Chef (and former football player) Gordon Ramsay. Hetalia and all further anime adaptations are the work of Hidekaz Himaruya.

DAY THREE

MORNING 6:45 A.M.

Ukraine is seen with her nose in the air sitting beside a disgruntled Russia. "Ukraine… you have been my sibling for so long! We're almost like twins! Starting with the hair…"

"And it ends with the hair, Ivan. We are nothing alike!" Ukraine replies. If we can ever be certain about the level of drama being off the charts here, deep down, Ukraine feels like an emotional train wreck. She has stood up to Russia before, but today was different. Russia today was Ivan Braginski. The meat has hit the fan. The kitchen was a mess. Ukraine was not going to clean anything until Ivan admitted all this was about Crimea.

"Katyushka Braginskaya!" Ivan cries out. "That should be enough to KNOW what the nature of our relationship is about. Those vultures (by vultures, we mean Germany and anyone who dares to even look at Ukraine) are only here to take advantage of your heart, and with that, rob you of the prize! Please, I'm only doing this for your own good…"

"You know nothing concerning my welfare" Katyushka retorts.

WEE HOURS

Prussia skulks into the kitchen with four bags of ground beef. Rumor has it Prussia stole Rocinante (yes, Spain's beloved horse), bludgeoned him, and had him processed for ground beef. He wants to pin the mystery on both Germany and Austria. Their meticulousness, however, would be enough to prove they didn't do it. Still, in Prussia's mind, Spain would be upset to the point of setting up Germany and Austria for elimination. It would raise a red flag for Spain (although who would believe he would kill Rocinante?), and England could also be blamed for not distinguishing cow from horse while preparing the dishes. So far, England was still the synonym for bland. Four angles, one outcome. Prussia clearly wants to win.

MORNING 6:55 A.M.

"WHAT IS THIS?!" Sweden screams, loud this time. Russia and Ukraine are still standing in the middle of the kitchen, mad at each other and the meat still glued to the walls.

"I'm trying to tell Katyushka this meat incident has nothing to do with me taking Crimea!"

"I'm trying to tell YOU, Ivan, this might well be a cover up you orchestrated. You think I'm just acting out. This IS about Crimea!" Ukraine shouts, trying to hold back the tears.

America, ready to save the day, opens his mouth. "If neither of you made the mess in the kitchen, then this is an act of terrorism against everyone here and an obstacle to self-determination. We need to seriously find shelter and send our best men to capture all those evildoers! We need Iron Man and Batman!"

"That's what you're calling it these days… what if you did it?" England responds. "This can be just an inside job and you want to say it is terrorism. You took Rocinante, chopped him up and he's everywhere."

America turns red. He has no idea how the meat got there or even what kind of meat it was. He demands a trial by combat.

PLOT TWIST

Spain shows up with Rocinante. Everyone is utterly confused. They look at the meat splatter everywhere. They look back at Rocinante. The skinny steed whinnies while Spain brushes his mane. Italy tastes some of the meat just to make sure it's not a figment of his imagination. Germany scolds him for being unsanitary.

"What is this about? I just brought him so he can be part of today's challenge. Sweden has agreed he won't get eaten." Spain tells everyone.

"Dann wo kommt das Fleisch her?"

(WHAT?)

"Where does the meat come from?" Austria translates, rolling his eyes at Germany. "Please, let me remind you most of our viewers don't know our language…"

"Katyushka did it because she's mad I took Crimea. This has nothing to do with Crimea" says Russia.

"Ivan did it because he needs a scapegoat and this has everything to do with Crimea" says Ukraine.

"Where is Brussels?" France replies tormented by the lack of respect and republicanism.

"Actually, this isn't horse. This is just your average cow…" It was too late for Prussia now that Italy had blurted out 60% of Prussia's ploy.

"I thought we had agreed that if you stayed quiet we would split the prize as long as we got rid of Germany, Austria, England, and Spain…" Prussia stands right behind Italy, tall, menacing. "You're not into Machiavelli as I thought!"

"But Germany is my friend!" Italy whines and Germany is somewhat touched. "WE agreed we would get rid of the rest, but spare Germany!"

"You made sure these two easterners (Russia and Ukraine) would take the bait so my plan would fail! I take back what I said about Machiavelli…" Prussia replies. "I'm surprised. These two weren't part of the plan. You want to outsmart me!"

Italy just shakes his head, frantic. Russia and Ukraine? Why?

SECOND PLOT TWIST

"One more time, Bela. You said you were jealous?" Russia asks. "You were jealous that I took Ukraine and didn't take you?"

Ukraine harrumphs in the background. "Told you this was about Crimea. You didn't take Belarus…"

England was puzzled. Something just didn't add up. Prussia was the evil, nasty one. Belarus was a piece of work, but Prussia was just being… Prussia himself. Notorious and eager to win.

"I told Prussia I was going to wreck the kitchen, not dirty it, to blame Sweden's sous chefs so Russia could run this show—"

Sweden cuts across Belarus to remind her he runs the business and he gets to decide what to do with his own show. He looks flabbergasted.

"Let me finish" Belarus replies. "I took the bags from the walk-in refrigerator. Labeled them as horse meat. Prussia saw me do it. I regretted it right away. Elimination would mean I'd never get to see Russia, Ivan, again. Prussia told me he would seize the chance and come up with a new plan as long as I didn't say anything. I'd stay in the show, the burden would be on the Baltic countries. Sweden could then quit… but my love for Ivan was more important. Prussia talked me out of it. No one ever meant to harm Rocinante. He just wanted to make it look as if Rocinante was part of our food prep just so it would be easier to point the finger towards the countries he wants eliminated."

NOON

"I guess no one has the passion to cook today. Poor Rocinante still stands there, eagerly waiting to be of use…" France ponders around with England at his side.

"I've always said it, Prussia needs to be out of here at once!" Austria tells both.

England sighs, looking up at Austria. "You can't deny he's making the show interesting. He's the reason why the ratings are up. He's more dangerous than Sweden…"

"We should just get rid of Russia, Ukraine, and Prussia. More than half of our problems would be solved" Germany offers. China and Spain agree, but everyone knows it is up to Sweden.

"Nobody mentions Belarus, as always!" Hungary chimes in. "Belarus should go out too!" China and Spain agree even more. Spain smiles. He thinks Hungary's quite a catch. If Prussia goes, he could finally woo her.

Italy appears with a batch of freshly made, personal pizzas.

"So much for horse meat, eh?" France comments. "I wonder why Prussia would even bother. He wants victory and Hungary at the same time. Hungary can start her own bachelorette show so Prussia can really compete. Same goes for Russia. Now that is a trial by combat I'd want to see. May the most obsessed lover win!"

Enter Estonia. "Sweden wants to inform you all that there will be no dinner service today at Hell's Kitchen".

Everyone gasps.

"Instead, we're having a proper cook-off tomorrow. After this horse meat incident, and how all the political tension in the room has escalated, we need to decide who gets to stay here. No secret plans. Cooking."

Russia, Ukraine, Prussia, and Belarus are shown in Sweden's office.

FIND OUT MORE NEXT TIME AT HELL'S KITCHEN.

CUTTHROAT.