of sunsets and stardust

by wanheidaas

She paints a picture of the stars as she dreamed them. It's a black sky with white stars but there's some red in there, and somewhere in all of it she blends in a pale shade of green and somehow it works and then she's smiling. Clarke sends her little piece of the stars to Lexa. / a modern AU, Clexa texting fic that wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. Clarke's POV.

3. Chapter 3

Clarke | Lexa

and this means someone is typing; ....

---

SATURDAY - 26 MARCH

[10:03 AM]:

That sounds like something from a poem

[10:04 AM]:

Is it a poem?

[10:05 AM]:

Oh wait, I know what this is..Are you trying that fact thing again?

[10:05 AM]:

(Sorry, I would've replied sooner but I fell asleep)

[10:08 AM]:

....

[10:09 AM]:

It's okay. You don't have to say sorry for sleeping, Clarke.

[10:09 AM]:

And yes, I'm doing that "thing"

[10:21 AM]:

Sorry that's not what I meant. I just woke up, I'm not exactly coherent ATM.

[10:21 AM]:

I meant I'm sorry, I saw your message earlier and almost replied but I fell back asleep.

[10:22 AM]:

Today was my failed attempt at waking up early and being productive.

[10:24 AM]:

On the upside, I feel better after sleeping. So I guess it's sort of productive?

[10:29 AM]:

Who am I kidding? Not me, or you. That's for sure. It's just another unproductive day for me.

[10:41 AM]:

Are you working today, Clarke?

[10:51 AM]:

No I'm not. Why?

[10:55 AM]:

So it's your day off?

[10:58 AM]:

Yes..

[11:02 AM]:

Why?

[11:05 AM]:

You're allowed to be 'unproductive' on your day off.

[11:06 AM]:

There's nothing wrong with resting when you need it.

[11:10 AM]:

Thanks, Lexa. That's a good point.

[11:24 AM]:

So are you going to finish with your fact about stardust? Or not?

[11:26 AM]:

....

[11:29 AM]:

....

[11:35 AM]:

I was trying to, Clarke.

[11:39 AM]:

Ok, my bad. Please tell me.

[11:41 AM]:

I actually want to know about this. It sounds fascinating.

[11:49 AM]:

It is.

[12:01 PM]:

I wasn't being sarcastic. I was being serious, Lexa.

[12:09 PM]:

Please share your fact with me.

[12:10 PM]:

It's interesting.

[12:11 PM]:

How are we made of stardust?

[12:26 PM]:

Almost all elements on Earth were formed at the heart of a star.

[12:36 PM]:

When those stars exploded those atoms blasted across space, Clarke. Parts of what we are, what we're made of, came from dying stars..

[12:37 PM]:

Explosions...Supernovas

[12:41 PM]:

Some stardust is old, some new. We carry it all with us, Clarke. It connects us to the universe..To the Earth.

[12:49 PM]:

Everything on earth and everything we are came from stardust.

[1:04 PM]:

Wow.

[1:06 PM]:

That's an amazing fact, Lexa.

[1:09 PM]:

Thanks for brightening my day a little.

[1:09 PM]:

With your facts & knowledge of stardust, I meant.

[1:10 PM]:

It's a great fact.

[1:29 PM]:

Your turn now, Clarke.

[1:31 PM]:

My turn?

[1:31 PM]:

For what, Lexa?

[1:32 PM]:

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

[1:41 PM]:

You can just send the one question mark.

[1:41 PM]:

Ten question marks seem a little unnecessary.

[1:42 PM]:

And I thought it was clear, but I'll explain: Your turn to send a fact, now.

[1:45 PM]:

I assumed that was why you were still in contact with me?

[2:01 PM]:

....

[2:05 PM]:

Did you seriously just count the question marks that I sent you?

[2:06 PM]:

Seriously, Lexa?

[2:10 PM]:

No.

[2:14 PM]:

It was an educated guess.

[2:19 PM]:

Based on what, exactly?

[2:21 PM]:

Do you have a fact or not, Clarke?

[2:28 PM]:

Yeah, I do actually. I have a few.

[2:31 PM]:

Fact one: I'm still in contact with you because you're fun to talk to. For some reason that I don't really know.

[2:32 PM]:

Don't ask me to explain that ^ fact anymore. I won't. I just like talking to you because it's new. That's all I'm going to say on that.

[2:35 PM]:

Fact two: There's no unnecessary amount of question marks to send. I can and will send as many as I want. ?

[2:36 PM]:

Fact three: I like talking to you. That also sort of ties into fact one. It does, but this includes something else. You can stop talking to me if you're just here to talk facts.

[2:39 PM]:

Fact four: Did you know that eating chocolate used to be considered a sin?

[2:41 PM]:

And the last one, fact five: You were right when you told me I find ways to end conversation. I do that and I can't help it. But it's been different with you.

[2:45 PM]:

We don't have to keep talking but we are. I could remove you from my contacts, block your number or stop replying but I don't.

[2:51 PM]:

In the last few months, you're the first person I've really felt like continuing a conversation with. You're interesting. And fun, to talk to. In your way..

[2:55 PM]:

So those are my facts, Lexa. Take them however you want.

[3:01 PM]:

....

[3:32 PM]:

Look I'm sorry, Lexa. That was a lot to take in at once.

[3:36 PM]:

If you couldn't already tell, I'm a little stressed right now.

[3:38 PM]:

Things aren't easy.

[3:40 PM]:

But what I said, in parts, was true.

[3:40 PM]:

Actually most of it was.

[3:41 PM];

The part where you said you liked talking to me.

[3:41 PM]:

What was that? The truth, the stress - or something else?

[3:44 PM]:

The truth.

[3:47 PM]:

Something happened in my life a while ago. Something complicated..

[3:41 PM]:

And as a result of it, I pushed almost everyone out. They're still not back in today.

[3:45 PM]:

I haven't seen my mom in months. I haven't talked to her for so long..Until today.

[3:50 PM]:

The last time I talked to my friends was a while ago. I avoid their calls. Sometimes I reply to their messages.

[3:51 PM]:

But for a long time I didn't feel like talking to anyone about anything.

[3:52 PM]:

The only real constant in my life was work. Which isn't great right now.

[3:53 PM]:

And then we started talking and sharing facts, and I felt like..

[3:55 PM]:

I don't know how I felt.

[3:59 PM]:

But I like talking to you, Lexa. And I'm sorry about all of that. It's a lot to take in so I understand if you need some time.

[4:12 PM]:

It's not. And I do understand, in my way.

[4:16 PM]:

I like talking to you too, Clarke.

---

SUNDAY - MARCH 27

Arcadia is too busy when Clarke steps inside. Her first instinct is to turn and go outside, to wait in the queue outside, pick up her order there and then walk home and spend the rest of her day off in her apartment. But there's a slight chill to the air when she steps inside, and there's a part of Clarke that just wants to sit here and enjoy this for a while. She can't enjoy it like she used to, things will never be how they used to be and she's slowly accepted that now. She just wants to sit in Arcadia and pretend for a little while that things could be good again.

She orders a warm drink, a biscuit, and tells Monty she'll be back to order something later. He and Jasper pick up shifts here occasionally, to pay for their apartment, and their drinks (and those treats they buy for their stash, they tell her). Monty's good in the kitchen and at the register, but he's just so friendly they always put him at the register. He greets Clarke with a smile, they talk for a minute, and then she retreats to a back corner of the Arcadia. It's a booth right near the window.

Clarke settles in comfortably, pulls her bag up on to the seat next to her and she fixes her attention on everything outside of the window. It seems different somehow, compared to when she watches the figures moving on with their days through the windows of the Gallery. That feels depressing, and she feels a longing, but here she feels different and she can't really explain it. She doesn't need to.

There's an email on her laptop from Abby she needs to answer, and several others she knows she should reply to but she just can't right now. She promises herself she'll do it soon, she'll do it while she's here, but then she pulls out her sketchbook and sets it up on the table while she waits for her order, and Clarke knows she won't be replying to any emails anytime soon. There's been an image in her head since her conversation with Lexa, she hasn't heard from Lexa since then, and she hasn't replied yet either because she's been unsure of what else to say right now. But the image in her head remains.

It's a face she can't really see clearly yet, mixed in with stars. She sees a shadowed background and dark eyes, and just as she's about to sketch it Jasper brings her order over. He's just as friendly and polite as Monty, but unlike Monty, there's an obviousness to Jasper's gaze and his attentiveness. Monty's better at concealing and keeping things to himself, keeping his expressions and thoughts to himself - while Jasper sort of gives it away in that way of his, Clarke's always noticed it, and she's never cared. She doesn't care now, he doesn't mean any harm by it. He just cares so much it shines through everything he does. She greets him, they hug, and then he realizes he has to go back to work and he promises he'll come by later. Or maybe they'll stop by the apartment later, he tells her as he's leaving.

Clarke's not sure if that will happen, or if she wants it to because she feels like her apartment is still sort of a mess right now. But it's nice to entertain the thought. She decides that Arcadia is too loud to concentrate on what she wants to draw, so she ends up turning her computer on, plugging headphones into the computer and turning on some music. It's low enough that she'll hear anyone that tries to talk to her, though she's pretty sure that no one will today, and it's loud enough that it blocks out the chatter and bursting noise of Arcadia for now. It's not that she minds the noise, it's just right now she can't concentrate on what she wants to draw with all of this noise going on in the background.

And apparently that's not the only distraction that she has to worry about. In the corner of her computer, a square chat bubble pops up and she immediately recognizes who it's from.

[27/03]: I can't be seeing things right. Is Clarke Griffin back at Arcadia?

[27/03]: Drinking and sketching like old times

[27/03]: I'm wrong..aren't I, princess?

She drops the pencil against the notepad slightly and looks around, but she sees no sign of Bellamy inside Arcadia, not anywhere near her anyway. Clarke returns to the computer - pauses to drink some coffee, and to just finish that one line on the sketch to make it right - and then she drags the computer across the table a little closer and begins to type up a reply. It takes her a while but she eventually figures out one that feels okay to send.

[27/03]: your eyes must be failing you, old man

[27/03]: that, or you got into monty and jasper's stash again.

Bellamy answers instantly and it draws a small smile across her lips, she can't help but remember how good it felt to be here, around him and around her friends. On the screen it shows that Bellamy is typing back, and she knows the comment about their stash is either going to irritate him or amuse him. It seems to do both, she sort of smiles again, and then waits as the next messages appear, one after the other.

[27/03]: Hey, that was a mistake and you know it.

[27/03]: So she makes jokes again? This can't be real.

[27/03]: It's been too long, Clarke. You look well.

[27/03]: yeah, I'd say the same back but I can't see you.

[27/03]: where are you bellamy? are you here at Arcadia too?

[27/03]: I'm out the back with O. I saw you come in.

[27/03]: I haven't told her yet. I thought you might still need time.

[27/03]: who does she think you're talking to then?

[27/03]: O hasn't noticed, she's busy talking to Lincoln

[27/03]: You missed a lot, they're pretty serious now.

[27/03]: There's a few things you missed actually, Clarke

[27/03]: And we've all missed you too. You have to know that now. Are you back?

Clarke takes a little time to reply now, it's difficult at first because there's so much she wants to say and so much that she can't. She finishes her coffee, picks up her pencil and tries to sketch for a little while but it doesn't really work. The sketch - whatever she's trying to put down on to paper - has sort of faded from her memory now and she can't exactly remember what she wanted where, and it just doesn't feel like it's coming naturally to her like it had been a few moments earlier.

Frustrated, she places the pencil down and chews on the biscuit she'd ordered. It tastes good. Clarke orders another drink, asks for some water with it, and then she tries to return to drawing but it still doesn't work. Then she remembers that Bellamy's here and he's waiting for an answer - she looks at the screen, rereads his question 'are you back?', and realizes that she really doesn't know how to answer that.

[27/03]: i don't know yet bellamy. i just came here for some coffee

[27/03]: and some space from everything. you know?

[27/03]: i know how long it's been. and i've missed you all too. please don't think i haven't.

[27/03]: i just need more time. i need to ease back into things. i don't know if you'll understand that.

[27/03]: Of course I do. Take as much time as you need, Clarke. We all get it.

[27/03]: Just don't forget that there are people here that care about you. People that love you.

[27/03]: You're not alone. Don't think you are again, please.

[27/03]: When you're up to it send a message. Tell me about your day. Tell me how things are. The good and the bad.

[27/03]: Or just let me know how you are. That's it. I just missed you and I worried. I don't want to sound selfish but I did.

It's a lot to take in. She doesn't have too much time to think on it before Jasper returns with her drinks, and leaves a cookie 'on the house' for her. It's sweet, she knows it's probably coming out of his pay, but he doesn't seem to mind too much. He smiles and returns to work when a customer calls out his name - he's halfway through tell Clarke about this girl he met called Maya when the woman calls out for some assistance, and when he's gone she's left smiling, and with the memories of how things used to be. She lets herself enjoy reliving it, she enjoys this friendship and the many other friendships she formed here.

Clarke begins typing up another reply, this one flows out a little easier than the rest. It's one of the only replies when she doesn't retype it seven times before sending it, this one sort of just comes together in the way it's supposed to and then it's gone for Bellamy to read. She doesn't regret any of it, she just wishes she could explain things more, or not have to explain them. It's all still a little messy right now.

[27/03]: I know you did, bellamy. i missed you all so much. just thinking about you back there, being so close..

[27/03]: when I'm ready you'll be the first to know. and i'll work on those messages to you. it's just one thing at a time. you know?

[27/03]: I'm sorry for anything that i've put any of you through. it was never my intention, ever. after what happened, i just couldn't..

[27/03]: i know you're all there. thank you. x

[27/03]: Always there, Clarke.

[27/03]: When you're ready let me know. We'll be there x

Arcadia is still busy when Clarke signs out of the IM system. She leaves her computer on though, needing the music there as a last resort to distract her and fill her head with something other than thoughts. Music helps, it often does. She finishes one of her drinks, eats the rest of the cookie that Jasper kindly brought over, and then she tries one last time to continue sketching the image she had seen in her head earlier. It had been inspired by Lexa's talk of stardust, and of human's coming from stardust. Clarke's still inspired by it, she doesn't want to just sketch it down. She wants to stop somewhere to buy paint and canvas and she wants to bring it to life with color, but she's missing the enthusiasm to do that tonight.

Maybe tomorrow, she tells herself, as she packs up her things and begins to leave the Arcadia. It was nice to be back here, she'll come back soon she silently tells herself. It wasn't as bad or as hard as she'd thought it would be, but then again maybe she's just used to being back here because of the mornings she waited in the queue outside for coffee or food. This is just one of the first times she's been back inside for a while.

Clarke waves goodbye to Monty and Jasper over the counters and crowds of customers lined up, and just as Clarke turns to leave she swears she feels a familiar pair of eyes on her. She looks over her shoulder and for a second she sees Bellamy, through the door leading into the bookstore, standing there. Watching there. A few people pass between them and he's gone and she's glad that he let it be for now. When she's ready he'll be the first to know - and she finds herself wondering, as she leaves Arcadia and starts off on her journey home for the night, if that's going to be anytime soon.

---

THURSDAY - MARCH 31

[11:01 AM]:

Raccoons can run up to 15 miles per hour.

[11:01 AM]:

They can also fall around 35 to 40 ft without injury.

[11:03 AM]:

Imagine that, Clarke.

Clarke blinks at the screen for a minute - and for those sixty seconds she's totally unaware of the way her lips have curved up into a smile at the sight of Lexa's message. It's the first one she's received from her in a while and for some unexplainable reason this totally unnecessary and random fact is just what she needed to brighten her day a little, and help her get through the next few hours at work. Stuck at the front desk again on phone and walk in duty, as well dealing with all of the online stuff that Clarke's never enjoyed, Clarke slides her phone off to the side and types up an immediate reply. Her boss won't be in until later this afternoon, so Clarke still has some time to talk to Lexa.

She has to fight the urge to not laugh at Lexa's last message. Imagine that. Clarke stifles a small laugh and tries to remain composed so none of her co-workers will see her laughing and approach her wanting to know why.

[11:10 AM]:

Imagine what?

[11:10 AM]:

You as a raccoon?

[11:11 AM]:

Or raccoons running/falling?

[11:14 AM]:

You weren't exactly specific

[11:19 AM]:

Why would you imagine me as a Raccoon?

[11:21 AM]:

That makes no sense.

[11:24 AM]:

And, what - imaging raccoons running or falling from 35+ feet heights makes sense?

[11:27 AM]:

Lexa, you're going to get me busted at work for laughing so hard. Seriously

[11:28 AM]:

I'm crying from laughing so hard, this looks so unprofessional right now but I can't stop

[11:29 AM]:

I meant imagine having the ability to fall that much without damaging yourself.

[11:36 AM]:

Why would I want to imagine that?

[11:36 AM]:

Average heights aren't my friend. I don't really want to imagine that.

[11:37 AM]:

Wait. This makes sense. Are you like..an adrenaline junkie?

She carries the phone with her as she leaves for the bathroom - needing some silence, and a place to quietly laugh if Lexa makes any more comments similar to her first ones. She can take a few minutes away from the front desk if she needs to, it's her first break for the morning and right now the gallery's slow so it's the perfect time to sneak away for a moment. The bathroom stalls are quiet and empty when she enters. Clarke carries her phone into a stall, locks the door then sits down, waiting for Lexa's message to come through.

[11:39 AM]:

What?

[11:39 AM]:

No.

[11:40 AM]:

....

[11:41 AM]:

I like thrills and adrenaline like all people do.

[11:41 AM]:

I was simply making the observation that having the ability to fall from tall heights without injury would be..interesting.

[11:49 AM]:

Ok, this got kinda weird.

[11:49 AM]:

BTW, you so are an adrenaline junkie. ;-)

[11:52 AM]:

....

[11:53 AM]:

Clarke, why were you laughing?

[11:54 AM]:

Did you picture me as a raccoon?

[11:56 AM]:

Nope, I totally did not do that.

[11:59 AM]:

I also didn't need a bathroom break to wipe the tears from my eyes.

[11:59 AM]:

Picturing you as a raccoon. Skydiving. It was funny, you should have been there.

[12:35 PM]:

Your spirits seem improved today. Are you not at work today?

[12:39 PM]:

No, I'm there. (That's why I really appreciated that lil fact about Raccoons)

[12:41 PM]:

Speaking of those little guys - fact: there's a theory the black mask thingy around their eyes deflects the glare.

[12:42 PM]:

And helps with night vision. (I just googled that BTW)

[12:49 PM]:

How..Fascinating.

[12:51 PM]:

Now imagine it.

[12:53 PM]:

Just imagine it, Lexa

[1:10 PM]:

You are too funny, Clarke.

[1:16 PM]:

You know it's weird, until you I never really noticed how easily sarcasm came through VIA text.

[1:16 PM]:

Thanks for that, Lexa. My life is infinitely better because of your contribution to it.

[1:17 PM]:

How can I ever repay you?

[1:26 PM]:

Boss is here. Be right back. X

[3:59 PM]:

Ok so I wasn't right back but my boss is intense. I couldn't get to my phone until now.

[4:01 PM]:

Day off today for you, or work?

[4:35 PM]:

Work.

[4:39 PM]:

Are you still at work, Clarke?

[4:41 PM]:

I'm just about to finish up then I'm going home.

[4:46 PM]:

Eventually. I just have to stop by the store first.

[4:51 PM]:

What about you?

[5:01 PM]:

I went to the store this morning. When I'm finished work I'll go home.

[5:15 PM]:

Sounds good, Lexa.

[5:16 PM]:

And please, not another joke about ladies with carts at the store. The one time was good enough for me.

[5:28 PM]:

Did something happen at work?

[5:29 PM]:

You mentioned that your boss was intense..How so?

[5:36 PM]:

It's complicated.

[5:41 PM]:

Clarke, I work in a security team. Before that I was in the army.

[5:42 PM]:

I can handle complicated.

[5:53 PM]:

Wow. That last thing is something I didn't know about you.

[5:57 PM]:

Remind me to bring it up later?

[6:01 PM]:

No.

[6:01 PM]:

Stop avoiding it. You do that too.

[6:02 PM]:

What happened at work, Clarke?

[6:10 PM]:

I can't remember if I told you about that client..Sandra. Or something.

[6:11 PM]:

She complained to my boss about me. Said I wasn't helpful, or wasn't good at my job.

[6:12 PM]:

Which is a total lie. I might have days where I hate my job but I love art. I could never hate it.

[6:12 PM]:

I was helpful. As helpful as I could be with someone like her. And so what? I forgot her name once or twice.

[6:16 PM]:

Anyway, she complained to my boss about it right after. Then she decided to leave and go to another gallery.

[6:16 PM]:

For her consultations. Finding pieces. Buying & selling. Etc. All that boring stuff. So yeah, one of our biggest potential clients left and my boss is mad.

[6:20 PM]:

That sounds unreasonable, Clarke.

[6:20 PM]:

That woman was clearly biased towards you from the start.

[6:21 PM]:

People forget names sometimes. It doesn't always indicate a lack of respect, sometimes it means that person is carrying too much.

[6:26 PM]:

Do you remember the woman's name?

[6:37 PM]:

....

[6:39 PM]:

No.

[6:42 PM]:

It's fine, Lexa. My boss didn't fire me, she just lectured me.

[6:42 PM]:

It really is fine, I have tomorrow off so I'm happy about that.

[6:42 PM]:

So let's talk about you?

[6:54 PM]:

No.

[6:54 PM]:

I can't.

[6:57 PM]:

I have a work thing tonight, I'm going to be there late.

[7:01 PM]:

Have a nice evening, Clarke.

[7:10 PM]:

....

[7:15 PM]:

Thanks, Lexa. You too.