Clarke | Lexa

and this means someone is typing; ....

SUNDAY - APRIL 3

It takes about five minutes for what Clarke's holding in her hands to really set in. She stares at the card in her hand, then places it down on the table and refrains from checking her phone to read the multiple messages that Abby has probably already sent her. Oh god, she can imagine all of the messages and emails on her phone right now. She knows that all of them would include, to varying degrees, Abby worrying unnecessarily and worrying about this and Clarke's reaction to it all. It was always going to arrive at Clarke's apartment, it's just that she really wasn't expecting to look through her pile of unopened letters and find it today.

Please join us for the union of

ABIGAIL GRIFFIN AND MARCUS KANE

SATURDAY, 7th MAY.

There's nothing special or different about today, and there's no reason why this should surprise her as much as it does. But she can't pretend like it doesn't. Clarke's only just been talking to her mom again, after such a long time of silence on both ends, and it does surprise her. The wedding is happening, she's always known that, and Abby and Kane have been together, happily, for years so that isn't what's surprising her. It's mostly just that feeling she gets sometimes, when she knows things are about to change in her life and they're out of her control. It isn't a bad change, the wedding will make the two of them happy, and she's happy for them too. It's just that she sometimes can't shake the feeling that what's changing is out of her control. Clarke knows she just has to get comfortable with it, and she will. She'll work on it, for them and for herself.

Despite her current feelings on it, Clarke doesn't want to leave Abby waiting for a response on this. She knows Abby will be sitting there, waiting for Clarke to contact her, or to not message her, so she picks up her phone and sends a message suggesting that they talk through Skype again. Clarke moves to the computer, sits down and waits for Abby's image to appear on the screen when she calls. Five minutes later the call comes through. Clarke accepts the call and then the picture opens up on to the screen, but it isn't Abby sitting there. It's Kane.

"Kane? What are you doing? I thought Mom wanted to talk." Clarke asks, and leans in, frowning at the image of Kane sitting there. "What are you doing? Where's Abby?"

Through the screen, Kane readjusts the camera so it's actually on him and not missing half of his face. Then he moves to sit down in the chair, and the camera cuts off part of his face again. He has to readjust it again, and once it's fixed he smiles and offers Clarke a wave through the screen.

"Okay, sure. Whatever you think it's about, you're wrong. It's not." she assures him quickly, then sighs. "Look, can I please just talk to Mom? I know she's stressing about this."

"It's okay, I can handle this, Clarke. The invitations went out a few days ago. We're assuming you got yours?"

"Yeah? So, what?"

Clarke isn't sure what exactly she's feeling right now about this, but it has nothing to do with her dad, or with Kane. She just feels a little weird about it all, but it has nothing to do with either of them, it's probably just that life around her is moving again and she just feels like hers has stilled. Again. Quietly, Clarke sighs and looks back at the screen, to find Kane sitting there like he's waiting for her to speak. She frowns, and watches as he speaks through the screen again."

"And?"

"And, what?" Clarke replies, still frowning a little. "I know what you're both thinking."

"You do? You're telepathic now too, Clarke-"

"This isn't the time for you to try to be funny, Kane." she says quickly. "I know what she's thinking. She's worried about me, about how I feel on this. And I know you're feeling the same way. She's probably listening to this, isn't she? Or you'll tell her all of it later? I'd rather just talk to her about it now."

"This involves both of us, and I told Abby I could handle it. I want to handle it." he says, then hesitates. "I worry about you too, Clarke."

"Why? You mean about this, about your wedding?"

Kane nods, and folds his arms over his chest. Then he waits for a minute. "You don't have to be okay if you're not. You know that. Don't you?"

"Yes, I do. And I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Clarke answers across the screen. "You both deserve to be happy. That's all I want for both of you."

"You're sure about that? Your mom was worried this might upset you. Or, you know." Kane stops, then smiles again. It's a little sadder, filled with a little more concern. "We just wanted to make sure you were okay. Abby wanted to give you the invitation in person, but I forgot and sent it out. So this is my fault."

"It didn't upset me. All that I feel is happiness for you two. Please believe that, Kane. I need Mom to believe it, too."

"I do. And I'm sure she will too once I talk to her about this."

"So, a May wedding? That will be nice."

"Yeah it'll beautiful." Kane says, then pauses briefly. "You know, this is a question more suited for Abby to ask but here it goes: Will you be one of Abby's bridesmaids? She's asked Raven to be one, and she wants you to be one, too. Do you think you're up for that?"

Clarke hesitates. She doesn't have time to think about whether it's obvious or not, but she doesn't care. It shouldn't surprise her that Raven will be attending the wedding, or will be one of the bridesmaids, because Raven's always been close to the family. She's always been like family to them. It just feels like that was a whole other lifetime. Clarke thinks about Raven often, she thinks about everything, she just hasn't talked about her or said her name to anyone in a long time. She tries to seem normal about it, to Kane. Tries to make it seem like it doesn't bother her, or surprise her, that Raven will be here, but she's not sure he believes it. She doesn't even believe it.

"Raven's going to the wedding?"

"Yeah, she is." he nods. "She was reluctant at first, now she's just excited for us. That's okay, right? Your mother seemed to think it would be fine."

"Um, yeah. Of course I'm going to be a bridesmaid for my mother's wedding. Of course."

"Great. That's great, Clarke. It'll make your mother so happy to hear." he says, then a smile broadens across his face. "I wish we could have done this in person."

Clarke returns the smile as much as she can right now. "I'm glad it will make her happy."

"Why don't you come for dinner one night this week? I can email you the address if you forgot. Remember, I make a mean spaghetti." he smiles. "How's Tuesday night?"

She looks over at her work schedule on her desk, then sort of shakes her head. "No, I can't. I work late on Tuesdays."

"That's fine." he says, still smiling. "How's Wednesday night?"

Wednesday night isn't usually a busy one for Clarke, sometimes she stays in and draws, and sometimes she goes to Arcadia. That's where she used to go. Now, her Wednesday nights - and a lot of her other week nights - consist of catching up on the things around her apartment she didn't do before work, and drawing. Clarke checks her schedule and calendar on her desk. She's free, and she knows she's free too, and as much as she does want to see her Mom and Kane again, there's still a part of her that feels uncertain about all of this.

Things are slowly beginning to feel normal again and it's a little weird. She's deep in her thoughts again when she remembers that she's on a video call with Kane and looks back to the screen. She fixes another smile on her face but even though he seems a little concerned now, he doesn't say it, or show it, or do anything that would make her feel bad or uncomfortable for getting lost in her thoughts again.

"Actually, Tuesday's fine with me. Tuesday's fine."

"Okay?" he smiles. "Fantastic. Abby will be thrilled. See you around 6? We can talk more then."

"Sounds good, Kane." she answers, and when he waves to her from the screen she waves back. "Bye."

"Bye, Clarke."

The video chat ends and Clarke retreats to the kitchen, where she finishes sorting through her mail and replying to any unanswered emails or texts that needed to be answered. It feels productive. Clarke cleans the apartment properly for a while, then when she's almost done she takes care of some washing and returns to her bedroom to wait until it's finished. Clarke collapses on her bed, drags her art book over and tries to continue the painting of the sunset. It doesn't really work. She tries to draw the stars, or sketch down the face she's never seen but dreams of some nights, but that isn't clear either. She counts the pages left in the book from her dad, it's overused, she's used almost every single spare patch of white paper - even if it was occupied by another sketch or drawing - because it's special to her, and she wants to use it until it feels completely used. Like she got everything out of it that she could possibly get, and then a little more.

It's hard not to think about her him, especially at a time like this but Clarke still tries to distract herself. Since she can't paint the sunset, or the stars, or the face that she can't see yet, Clarke tries something new instead. She picks colors at random, mixes them in her painting palette, and then she gently guides her brushes across the empty easels that haven't been used yet. This works. She's not sure what the colors are, or what it all means. Sometimes she never knows. There are a lot of dark colors here, it's a messy blur of faded and striking colors that somehow blends together right. It works. Clarke keeps working on it, and even when she spills paint on her bed-sheets or on herself, she keeps painting - because it's one of the first thing she's been able to paint without thinking about in such a long time, and even though it isn't clear and she'll probably end up throwing it out, it feels different. It feels like progress.

MONDAY - APRIL 4

[7:31 PM]:

So how was your work thing, Lexa?

[7:36 PM]:

?

[7:38 PM]:

Last week. Thursday night - remember?

[7:39 PM]:

You couldn't talk long because you had a work thing.

[7:39 PM]:

If you don't remember, I'm pretty sure your phone would have message history. Right?

[7:45 PM]:

Yes, to both. I remember, and it does keep the history of conversations.

[7:47 PM]:

The work thing was fine, Clarke.

[7:49 PM]:

Why?

[7:51 PM]:

....

[7:56 PM]:

It's Monday, I haven't heard anything from you since Thursday.

[7:57 PM]:

I wondered if maybe the work thing didn't go so well.

[8:01 PM]:

It went well.

[8:05 PM]:

Ok, that's good Lexa.

[8:06 PM]:

How are you healing up? From your..mugging.

[8:08 PM]:

Better. Thank you, Clarke.

[8:09 PM]:

How are things with you?

[8:11 PM]:

Better too, I think.

[8:11 PM]:

Sort of.

[8:12 PM]:

I have this dinner thing tomorrow night. I'm a little stressed about it.

[8:14 PM]:

It's with my Mom & her fiancé. I haven't seen them in a while.

[8:18 PM]:

Things were different the last time we saw each other.

[8:24 PM]:

What part exactly are you stressed about, Clarke?

[8:24 PM]:

That things won't be the same anymore? Or they will be?

[8:31 PM]:

Yeah...Thank you for that, Lexa. I hadn't really thought about those too much.

[8:31 PM]:

I was more concerned/stressed about how I was going to be around them.

[8:32 PM]:

It's different, I'm different. I think my Mom wants it to be the same but it's not.

[8:39 PM]:

What does she expect to be the same?

[8:40 PM]:

Me.

[8:42 PM]:

What do you mean? Are you different now, Clarke?

[8:51 PM]:

I'm worried she'll expect me to be completely happy.

[8:51 PM]:

Or she'll want me to be who I was before. I don't think I can live up to those expectations.

[9:10 PM]:

The only expectations you have to live up to are your own.

[9:10 PM]:

No one else.

[9:11 PM]:

Your mom will understand.

[9:15 PM]:

I hope so.

[9:16 PM]:

Thanks for your advice, Lexa.

[9:21 PM]:

You're welcome, Clarke.

[9:25 PM]:

....

[9:29 PM]:

There's something else.

[9:34 PM]:

Yes, Clarke?

[9:36 PM]:

Fact: The name Lexa has Greek origins. It comes from Alexein "to defend/help" and "adros" man.

[9:37 PM]:

So it means defender.

[9:38 PM]:

I think you're in the right career path, Lexa. Defending/helping people. It suits you.

[9:41 PM]:

....

[9:51 PM]:

I didn't know that.

[9:52 PM]:

That's interesting, Clarke. Thank you for sharing that.

[9:59 PM]:

It's okay. It's a nice name and I wanted to know the meaning of it.

[10:05 PM]:

Why?

[10:09 PM]:

I was just curious.

[10:11 PM]:

(and a little bored at work)

[10:22 PM]:

You mentioned that you loved art. Didn't you, Clarke?

[10:25 PM]:

Yeah. I probably did.

[10:27 PM]:

Why?

[10:45 PM]:

You clearly aren't in the wrong line of work.

[10:45 PM]:

You're just in the wrong place, that's all.

[10:46 PM]:

Why do you continue to work there if you dislike it so much?

[10:51 PM]:

Because it's a job.

[10:53 PM]:

And we don't all get the luxury to pick what we want to do.

[10:54 PM]:

I need the money. It's not always bad there. It's just felt like I've been unlucky, lately..

[11:01 PM]:

Maybe one day I'll be able to leave. For now, I have to stay. I need the money.

[11:09 PM]:

Fair enough, Clarke.

[11:12 PM]:

Good luck with dinner tomorrow night.

[11:13 PM]:

Thanks, Lexa.

[11:16 PM]:

Night.

[11:41 PM]:

Clarke?

[11:49 PM]:

Yeah?

[12:01 AM]:

What's up, Lexa?

[12:21 AM]:

Maybe one day you'll be able to leave

[12:25 AM]:

And maybe one day you'll be happy again

[12:26 AM]:

Happiness is rare. I hope you find it again.

TUESDAY - APRIL 5

There doesn't feel like there's enough wine in the world to help Clarke feel relaxed about tonight.

Kane refills Abby's glass, and then Clarke's, and then he leaves to check on dinner while Abby leaves to retrieve something from her room to show Clarke. It feels like too much, but they haven't had dinner yet, so she knows she'll have to stick it out for a little while. Clarke's eyes dart over to the clock on the wall, and she realizes she's only been here for about an hour now. It feels longer. And it's not that the night isn't going well, because so far it seems to be. It's just that Clarke can't control her feelings or thoughts on this as well as hoped she would, or convinced herself she could.

It feels like she's playing a role, or like it's too weird, being back here with them and having wine, and dinner, and talking about work like nothing ever interrupted them doing this. It doesn't help that they'll occasionally glance at her like they think she's still fragile, or like she's going to break at any mentions of Finn, or anyone else from that time in her life. It also doesn't help that the apartment is filled with memories that Clarke had thought she'd forgotten, or left behind. The living room holds memories of laughter, and wine, and nights spent here with family and friends. Once, it had been so loud and bursting with laughter and now it just feels quieter. Clarke doesn't know how to go back.

Their temporary absence in the room gives Clarke the chance to reach for her phone. She types up a quick message and sends it off, not really having to think about it for long because it's been on her mind all night. She slides the phone away once the message has been sent, and right after that Abby returns with the necklace she wanted to tell Clarke. It's a beautiful one, gifted to her from Kane on their anniversary this year. It's a thin, silver tree crafted gracefully around a stone of silver in the middle. It's elegant, and it seems like Abby. She ties it around her neck happily, and smiles at Clarke as Kane returns to the room with dinner.

Against Clarke's knee, she suddenly feels the bzzz of her phone, vibrating with an unread message. She leaves it there for now, and picks up her glass of wine to help her ease back into normal conversation. She knows they're just trying to make things feel normal again, and she's trying to, but it also feels like they don't mind if it doesn't go back to exactly how it was. They seem happy she's here, and underneath her feelings and memories of this place, she's happy to see them too.

The conversation shifts from work, to the weather, to something a little more serious.

"I meant to talk to you about this the other day when we talked on Skype, but I forgot. It's about work, and about the city." Abby tells her, between a sip of wine. "Are you carrying mace with you, Clarke? Or any kind of spray, or weapon-"

"Mom, it's fine. I'm okay. I live in a safe part of the city, and I know everyone in my building almost." Clarke's reply comes back quickly. "And you know how close to Arcadia I live. If I need somewhere to stay, I can go there. I'm fine, you don't have to worry about that."

"I still think you should carry something. Just recently, I had to treat this young girl that had been attached. Her things were stolen, she was beaten badly, but she wasn't interested in talking to the police, so they might not have caught whoever did that. I just want you to be safe, and careful. That's all. I don't want that to happen to you."

"It's okay, Mom. I'll be careful."

"I know you will, it just made me worry. Be safe."

Clarke nods quickly and catches a glimpse of her phone lighting up with a new message. She leaves it untouched for now, and listens as the conversation around her quickly changes topic. First, to Kane's work. Then to Abby's. And then it circles back to Clarke and her work at the gallery.

"So, you said things are going well at work, Clarke?" Abby asks, curiously.

Another nod. Clarke scoops a mouthful of food on her fork, and chews on it for a minute before speaking. "Yeah, things are busy. But it's good. Have you guys thought much about what you'll do after the wedding? I mean, holiday plans. Work. All of that."

Kane smiles. "Well, I'll be taking some time off work around the wedding and after so I'll be home more. We miss each other a lot with our busy jobs, so I'm just trying to take more time away from work to be there."

"I tried convincing him not to, I said they'd need him but he insisted. So, I won't pretend I'm not happy with that." Abby says, smiling with him. "I can't pretend I'm not looking forward to spend more time with him. Also, we're thinking about Hawaii for the honeymoon."

"Wow. Hawaii. That will be beautiful." Clarke smiles slowly. "Sounds lovely. Send me pictures? I'd love to see it all."

"Of course, Clarke." Abby nods encouragingly. "You know, I talked to Kane and he said you want to be a bridesmaid. I meant to ask you myself, but I wasn't sure about the timing. And I just want you to know that I'm so happy. I can email you with the details when we'll be looking at the dresses. If you want to come to try some on, you're welcome to. And if you don't then that's fine, everything always looks so beautiful on you, Clarke."

"I'll be there." Clarke shakes her head, and answers quickly. She wishes she would've thought about it before agreeing. "I'd love to be there."

Something in Abby's smile brightens a little more. "Fantastic. I'll email you and let you know the date and places we're looking at."

With a smile and a more convincing nod, Clarke finishes up her meal and they somehow manage to direct the conversation on to a lighter, easier topic. Kane offers to clean up at the end to let the two of them catch up, and for a while they do, but then Abby receives a call from the hospital and she excuses herself. It gives Clarke time to explore the apartment she once spent so much time in. It's large, sleek and elegant. With wide glass windows all around them, and sliding doors that step out on to a large balcony overlooking the city.

There are concrete seats out here, covered with plush, soft cushions. And there's a little garden out here, bursting with as much life and color as it can. Clarke settles on leaning against the railing, and she takes a few minutes to look down at the city while Kane and Abby finish up inside. The skyline is busy and still at the same time. Her eyes fix on the passing lights of traffic, before she reminds herself of the messages she received.

Clarke discovers (6) unread messages on her phone all from Lexa, and (1) missed call. She frowns, swipes the phone open and quickly clicks open the messages.

[7:06 PM]:

Yes?

[7:15 PM]:

Well what is it, Clarke?

[7:21 PM]:

Clarke?

[7:22 PM]:

Is something wrong? Are you hurt, Clarke?

[7:31 PM]:

You're concerning me. Did something happen to you?

[7:32 PM]:

Clarke I'm calling you. Pick up.

[8:01 PM]:

Lexa everything's fine

[8:02 PM]:

I'm okay. I'm sorry if I worried you

[8:05 PM]:

It wasn't anything serious, I just thought I needed something

[8:06 PM]:

What?

[8:10 PM]:

A distraction, maybe

[8:11 PM]:

I have that dinner tonight. I thought I needed a distraction but it's okay now

[8:11 PM]:

I'm sorry if I concerned you, Lexa. I couldn't get to my phone until now

[8:21 PM]:

I'm not a service, Clarke. I'm not here to be your daily distraction.

Clarke's about halfway through typing back a reply, that she's not really sure about, when she hears Kane join her on the balcony. She puts the phone down and looks up, expecting him to be smiling or at least happy to see her. But there's no smile on his face, and he suddenly seems serious and solemn. She instantly has a bad feeling.

"Something's happen, Clarke. It's Lincoln, he was injured."

The phone almost slips out of Clarke's hand. She tightens her hold on it and takes a step closer, whatever reply she was thinking of for Lexa slips out of her mind, and the only thing that she can think about right now is this, and Lincoln, and then Octavia. It almost feels harder to breathe. Clarke takes a few more steps closer, and tries to let herself speak, but her throat feels like it's so tight that she can only get a few words out.

"What happened? Is he okay?"

"I don't know. Abby just got the call, he was admitted to a hospital after being injured at work." Kane says. "He was on a security detail when something went wrong. Your Mom's ready to go down there. She wasn't sure if you should know, I said you had the right to. Do you want a lift down there with us? We're going now."

Clarke nods quickly, and all the reservations or doubts she used to have about seeing her friends again after such a long time just disappear because it suddenly doesn't matter. It isn't about her, this is about Lincoln, and if he's okay, and it doesn't matter what she feels about this. There's no doubt at all for Clarke, and she doesn't hesitate at all because she has to be there for him, and for them.

"Yes, of course, Kane. Let's go."