Clarke | Lexa
and this means someone is typing; ....
TUESDAY - APRIL 5
There are at least one hundred things going through Clarke's mind when she arrives at the hospital with Kane and Abby. She can't keep track of it all. The thoughts all seem to branch out and slip away, only to return to her minutes later. It all feels rushed, like a blurry haze of the past and present colliding. It's easier to just follow Kane and Abby than to pay much attention to where they're going. Clarke stays close behind them, following Abby as she approaches a desk to ask about Lincoln. It feels like there's nothing she can do to quiet her mind, or stop the buzzing of thoughts and voices that linger there, following her around the corridors and desks she's probably passed before.
She's been here before but for different reasons. Now it's not about that, it's not about her, and what this place has meant to her before. She waits back with Kane, while Abby's talking to the woman behind the desk. Kane glances in her direction, briefly, then he must realize it. He must notice that this is too much, or too similar to what they've been through before, because a second later he's removing his coat and placing it over her shoulders. It warms her up immediately. He smiles at her, keeps an arm on her shoulder, and stays there, close, and supporting her. It feels like support, it feels like more than she's had in a while, and she wants to say something. She doesn't thank him, doesn't get the chance to, before Abby's back and they're moving away again in the direction of Lincoln's room. They pass corridors, and patients, and faces Clarke can't really focus on and it feels like they're getting closer. It all feels too much like a memory for Clarke, at first, but she knows that now isn't the time for those thoughts. It's not about her, or what she's been through. Tonight is about Lincoln, and Octavia, and -
And there they are. She sees Octavia first, hugging a tall, bearded man in a brown coat. There are several people around her that Clarke doesn't recognize, and it makes her realize that everyone else must still be on their way here. She sees Bellamy next. He turns the corner from the waiting room and comes into view in the corridor, and as soon as he sees her he's walking towards her. Octavia glances in their direction next, and Kane leaves with Abby to greet her. Clarke feels like something's pulling her to this spot on the floor, like she can't move closer, she can't. Bellamy hugs Abby and Kane, on his way past them, and then he's in front of Clarke, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug.
"You're here." he sighs, when his arms are wrapped around her. "I didn't know if you'd come."
"Of course I'm here. It's Lincoln. Of course I'll always be here." she answers quietly.
A moment passes and they pull away, but Bellamy lingers. "I didn't mean it like that."
Clarke nods quickly, stretching to put an uncertain arm against his shoulder. He seems shaken by this, and understandably so. Lincoln's family to him, to all of them. It's more than either of them can put into words - and it's something that Clarke understands, almost, in her own kind of way. She just knows that this is so much different, and it's about Lincoln, it's not about Finn. It's not going to end like that did, she silently tells herself. Lincoln will survive this, she believes it fully, and then she looks back to Bellamy and realizes that he's determined to believe it too. He wants to believe it so badly because of what Octavia and Lincoln have, and what they are together. They're soulmates, and best-friends, and they should always be together.
Bellamy squeezes the side of Clarke's arm and tries to speak again. He seems tired - exhausted, and drained from the worry. She keeps her arm against him too, to hopefully steady him and to somehow show him, with a gesture as simple as this, that she's here. Any distance in the last months doesn't matter, not when it comes to moments like these. She'll always be here for them, and she'll always do whatever she can for them. Always.
"I know you didn't. I know, Bellamy. And it's okay. How are you doing? How's everyone?"
"I'm so glad you're here. O will be so relieved. That you're all here for her. For them."
"What happened? Is he okay?" Clarke asks, wrapping her arms around herself.
Bellamy's voice quietens, and he takes a step closer. "He was injured out on the job, in his security detail. Something about a bullet, I didn't catch it all from O. We're waiting to know more soon." he pauses. "We will know more soon, Clarke. And it's all gonna be okay."
Then he stretches a hand, places it on her side and starts to guide her over to the group that's scattered around them. Octavia catches Clarke's wandering gaze as she nears and hesitates, but then she's there, hugging Clarke in the same way that Bellamy did. She admires their strength. All of their strength. Clarke wraps her arms around Octavia and hugs her back, hugs her tightly, to let her know that she's not alone and that Lincoln will be okay. She hopes that's what the hug conveys, anyway.
"He's a fighter. He'll survive this, whatever it is, and he'll come out stronger." Clarke assures her, when they separate. "You know he will. He has so much to fight for and he'll do that. He's doing just that right now."
Octavia barely manages a smile, it slips away immediately, and it makes Clarke realize how different she seems now to how she was. Despite this she's still the same, strong Octavia that Clarke's always known and always will now.
"I know, but it's hard. It's hard because of what he's been through, Clarke." her reply comes shortly. "I don't know about this time. I have a bad feeling."
"Hey, it's going to be okay." Bellamy appears. He pulls her into another embrace. "Trust me, he's got this. He's fighting through it to see you again, you know that. So if you're doubting anything else right now, fine. But don't doubt how strong his love is for you, and what that means for him."
Quietly, Clarke steps away to give them a moment alone to embrace. She's just about to join Abby and Kane when a doctor approaches, steps aside with Octavia, and then they wait. They wait for what feels like years, and she knows her waiting is nothing compared to what Octavia's feeling right now, and then it's over. Octavia makes a quiet noise and clutches on to Bellamy, and for the next few seconds it's difficult to tell if it's a noise of relief or not. Then Bellamy looks over his shoulder and nods at the group- and there's so much relief over his face that she knows it's good news before the words even slip through his lips
"He's okay, he's going to be okay. Lincoln's lost a lot of blood, but he'll be fine." Bellamy tells them. "He's going to make a full recovery."
Relief floods in around them. Clarke feels Abby squeeze her shoulders from nearby, and then Kane and Abby hug, and leave to get some coffee for everyone because it already feels like it's going to be a long night. Clarke watches the group around her embracing, and smiling, and it makes her chest swell with happiness and relief for them all. And for herself. She moves over to the wall to lean against it, releases that heavy breath she'd been holding when they first heard about the accident, and she looks away for a second to see a new figure approaching them.
It's a woman, clad in black and dark colors. Her eyes are set forward, like they're on a destination, not a person - and her long, light brown hair is pulled back into braids that Clarke finds herself quietly fascinated by. She meets Clarke's gaze for half a second, then keeps walking. Shortly after that Kane and Abby return with coffees, and Clarke takes a cup and decides she'll step outside for some air, now that things are all okay and that there's only relief in their little waiting room.
There are still so many things going through Clarke's head right now, things she can't ignore, old memories and thoughts that linger and seep back in. Temporarily. Some are more permanent. They seep in through the walls she's put around herself tonight, to be here for them. She knows they'll come out stronger from this, and she feels nothing but happiness for them, but of course what she's been through and what she lost leaves her feeling tired. By it all, by everything. She leaves, catches Bellamy's attention, and asks him to tell Octavia she'll be back, she's just stepping outside to make a phone call. He doesn't believe her and he seems concerned about her, but he agrees anyway and promises her they can talk properly later. Clarke leaves the hospital and exits through a door, ending up in a secured section of the hospital that she's just glad to be standing outside in.
Outside it's colder and silent, she needs the silence for just a minute or two. Clarke folds her arms around herself, walks out across the little patch of concrete in the smoking area outside the hospital (it's probably for the staff, she thinks, but doesn't care that much because she won't be out here for long). Then a few minutes pass and the door opens behind her. She expects it to be someone telling her she shouldn't be out here but it's not. It's the woman from the corridor, and there's already and unlit cigarette hanging from her mouth.
She stops, looks at Clarke, then lets the door shut loudly behind her. There are faint bruises and markings along her jaw and cheek, Clarke realizes, but doesn't look too closely as the woman narrows her eyes on Clarke and steps down on the pavement. She lights the cigarette, inhales, then turns back to find Clarke still watching her.
"Can I help you with something?" she asks, voice flat. "Did you want a smoke, or something?"
"No, and those aren't good for you. I don't even know if this is the designated smoking area, or what."
There's silence, followed by a frown across the woman's face. "Do you work here?"
"Uhh, no. No I don't, I don't work here." Clarke pauses. "We just saw each other. I'm with Lincoln's friends. Do you know them? Are you friends with Octavia?"
"No, I know Lincoln."
"So you heard he's going to be okay. Didn't you?"
"Yes."
Clarke glances away slowly, unsure of what to say next. So she steps towards the door and turns to leave, but it feels like something pulls her back, just for one more second. "Alright. Don't let me disturb you while your ruin your body with those things."
"Lincoln was shot. He could've died. I hardly think that me having a smoke is the biggest concern right now."
It's silent for about half a second until Clarke leaves. She pulls the door open, leaves it to shut behind her, and returns to find Kane and Abby sitting inside waiting for her. She offers them her most convincing smile upon her return and they seem to believe it, though she's never really sure with those two. But tonight's really not the time for those thoughts. It's about Lincoln and Octavia, and being there for them. So that's exactly what Clarke does. She pushes it all out again and focuses on now. She only wonders occasionally (during the pauses of conversation or thoughts) what happened with Lexa tonight. And then she wonders why she cares so much already.
WEDNESDAY - APRIL 6
The familiar 'bzzz' comes from Clarke's phone just after 2 in the morning and it surprises her that she's not annoyed by it. It's late but she doesn't care that her phone light bursts everywhere inside her bedroom because she wasn't sleeping anyway (and tonight, well today actually, it's almost blindingly bright, and there's no way it can be ignored, but she doesn't want to). She reaches for it, swipes it off the nightstand and glances over the words. Silently she's glad for the distraction from the thoughts of the hospital, and Finn, and everything that's stayed with her and replayed from her mind since they got the call. She thinks of the scars, and the glass, and the blood across them.
Clarke's eyes shut before reading the message and she waits, trying to keep the thoughts again but sometimes it's hard. It's like they're heavy, like rain, and they always find ways to seep through any cracks or holes in her, to get at her. They're not always bad thoughts, it's just difficult to not think about it after a night like tonight. Soon Clarke opens the message, quietly glad to hear from Lexa. She's been on her mind for hours.
[2:12 AM]:
are you okay clarke?
Clarke blinks at the words, first. Then she wonders why Lexa's up this late - or, actually, why she's up this early - but then she realizes she's up this early too. There's part of her that wants to ask Lexa why she's texting her, after the way their last conversation ended. But instead, she waits and re-reads the message while she wonders what to say back. She wants to say no, she's not okay. It's been a rough night, and it's nothing compared to what Lincoln and Octavia have been through but it's still rough. She still feels tired by the weight of it all. But she doesn't type that up because it would take too long, and she doesn't really know Lexa. Not really. She doesn't want to burden her with this, it feels like she's already burdened her with too much. She keeps it simple.
[2:25 AM]:
yeah I guess. are you ok lexa?
There's a reply within seconds.
[2:25 AM]:
i guess im okay too
[2:27 AM]:
are you sure about that? you're up late/early. and seem..different
[2:28 AM]:
i know im not always the best person to take advice from
[2:28 AM]:
but it's ok to not be ok... what's up?
[2:29 AM]:
....
[2:31 AM]:
it was just a long day and night. that's all
[2:35 AM]:
there is something else i'd like to talk to you about. if that's okay
[2:38 AM]:
sure. what is it?
And it happens again. Clarke barely has to wait for Lexa's reply and it makes her wonder about it all again. She wonders why she's up at almost 3 in the morning thinking about this, or about her, and why it even matters that she needs to clarify what happened earlier. It's nothing, it's fine. Everything's fine now that Lincoln is okay. That's what matters. Clarke breathes in slowly, as her eyes scan the reply and she studies the words. It still makes her question what happened with Lexa, to prompt all of this, because it's really late to be talking about these kinds of things. So of course, it leaves her with a few questions.
[2:39 AM]:
i came across as harsh earlier. i was stressed and i may have taken that out on you
[2:39 AM]:
so if i angered or upset you with my response then i apologize
[2:41 AM]:
i'd thought something might have happened to you and then i found out all you needed was a distraction..
[2:41 AM]:
well, i'm sorry
Tiredly, and with a quiet feeling there, resting in her chest, Clarke pulls the blankets up over her shoulders and rolls with them. So they're covering her completely and she's now resting on her side. She's supposed to work tomorrow but she doubts she'll make it in, and decides she'll call in sick to work - or explain the situation, as best as she can - because she doesn't really know how she'll be able to work after tonight.
It's easier replying to this, for some reason. Maybe it's because Clarke's been thinking about it all night, and all of the things she wanted to say back to Lexa's message but never did. She wants Lexa to know that it's more than that, that she's not just a distraction, she's just good company. Clarke doesn't even know how to start that, so she starts with something smaller. The smaller things are always easier to start with. She starts with something she's needed to say since they last spoke.
[2:46 AM]:
it's okay lexa. i understand and i'm sorry if i upset you or worried you. i wish i had answered you sooner.
[2:48 AM]:
you don't
[2:51 AM]:
don't... what?
[2:52 AM]:
understand
[2:52 AM]:
and that's okay, you don't have to
[3:01 AM]:
i just needed you to know or understand that i'm sorry if i came off as cold towards you
[3:01 AM]:
i took my stresses out on you and i shouldn't have
[3:05 AM]:
it's okay, it really is. i get it, i had a rough night too. there's nothing to apologize for, ok?
[3:06 AM]:
i just hope you're okay now
[3:08 AM]:
i am . it wasn't a rough night for me
[3:08 AM]:
tell me what happened with you
[3:11 AM]:
how was dinner with your mom?
It's hard to type it up - it's even harder to try to think about summarizing dinner with Kane and Abby. And then, to somehow include what happened after at the hospital. She deletes her reply several times before sending one off.
[3:15 AM]:
lexa it's late. i don't want to keep you awake
[3:17 AM]:
i appreciate you asking, i do. but i understand that you need your sleep
[3:20 AM]:
sometimes i have difficulty sleeping
[3:21 AM]:
tonight will be another of those nights, i think...
[3:22 AM]:
so tell me about your dinner tonight, i'd like to know.
[3:29 AM]:
it was fine and .. normal. for a while. then it wasn't. a friend of ours was injured.
[3:32 AM]:
they're okay now, i got home a few hours ago. i just can't sleep.
[3:32 AM]:
there's something i wanted to tell you lexa
[3:33 AM]:
yes?
[3:34 AM]:
if you felt like you were just a distraction i'm sorry
[3:35 AM]:
i obviously never meant to put you in that situation or make you feel that way
[3:35 AM]:
you're not just a distraction to me and i never meant to leave you feeling like that
[3:36 AM]:
and if you do feel like you're a distraction for me (and that it's not a bad thing) then i'll be one for you
[3:36 AM]:
like now if you need to talk about it or about anything else, i think i'm okay at giving advice
[3:36 AM]:
that's all
[3:37 AM]:
it's fine clarke
[3:37 AM]:
can we talk about other things?
[3:37 AM]:
of course
Then Clarke's fingers hesitate over the keys and she types up the truth for Lexa, something she hasn't shared with anyone, it's something she only carried with herself for so long. She writes it up to share it with her, in a way she hopes might help Lexa, or at least show her that she's not alone in her struggles to sleep some nights.
[3:37 AM]:
you said some nights you couldn't sleep
[3:38 AM]:
yes, i can't some nights. why?
[3:38 AM]:
me too
[3:39 AM]:
some nights i don't even sleep at all. i just stay awake for hours and think.
[3:41 AM]:
what do you think about?
At almost 4 AM in the morning it feels dark and heavy, and like Lexa's had a really bad day and could use something to brighten it up now. Clarke decides she'll try to brighten it with words. It may not be enough but it's something - and it feels better than the alternative, which would be telling Lexa what she thinks about. Sometimes, on the nights that Clarke can't sleep, she replays it all in her mind again. She replays the memories, the moments - the smiles, laughs, and the sound of glass shattering and tyres screeching - and it always ends up feeling hopeless and tiring. It's not something she wants to talk about right now, and it definitely doesn't feel like something that Lexa would want to talk about so late and after such a rough day. So Clarke pushes it all back and thinks of something that she hopes will make Lexa smile.
[3:45 AM]:
you ...
[3:46 AM]:
i see you as a raccoon
[3:47 AM]:
sometimes i laugh. sometimes it haunts me
[3:47 AM]:
and then there are times you're falling
[3:48 AM]:
jumping as a raccoon . with no restraints. free
[3:52 AM]:
imagine it
[3:59 AM]:
imagine it lexa
This reply takes a little longer to come back. The little dots appear several times, like Lexa's typing back but doesn't quite know what to say. It makes Clarke wonder if it worked and if somewhere right now Lexa is smiling because of her. She hopes she's smiling.
[4:02 AM]:
you know you're not funny
[4:02 AM]:
and you know those jokes aren't funny
[4:02 AM]:
don't you?
[4:03 AM]:
someone must have said something to you
[4:04 AM]:
they must have told you how terrible your 'humor' is
[4:10 AM]:
be honest with me right now lexa
[4:11 AM]:
you smiled. you totally smiled right now
[4:12 AM]:
you're smiling right now aren't you?
Then Clarke feels herself smile. It tugs on the corners of her lips and spreads into an easy, small smile. She smiles, leans back against the pillows, and watches as the replies roll in. It stirs something quiet in her chest.
[4:13 AM]:
you're clearly sleep deprived
[4:14 AM]:
it's having an effect on your thoughts / what you think is funny
[4:16 AM]:
in the morning you'll look back and see that it wasn't
[4:20 AM]:
it was kinda funny. wasn't it?
[4:25 AM]:
yes it was Clarke
[4:29 AM]:
:-)
[4:31 AM]:
go to sleep, we can talk later today. are you working today?
[4:41 AM]:
i hope not because we're both going to be so tired tomorrow
[4:41 AM]:
? i meant today
[4:42 AM]:
i'll let you know if i'm working today. are you?
[4:47 AM]:
no i'm not
[4:49 AM]:
i'll talk to you then. good night Clarke
[4:50 AM]:
night lexa
[4:50 AM]:
the stars
[4:50 AM]:
? what
[4:51 AM]:
i wasn't finished
[4:51 AM]:
then why send it?
[4:51 AM]:
my thumb slipped on the 'send' button.
[4:51 AM]:
it's almost 5 AM and I've almost been awake for 24 hrs.
[4:52 AM]:
what i was going to say was dream of the stars
[4:53 AM]:
dream of the stars if you can't sleep. sometimes that helps me
[5:00 AM]:
i thought it might help you to sleep if you thought of them too
[5:07 AM]:
thank you xxxx
[5:09 AM]:
i hope you dream of the stars too
[5:11 AM]:
xxx
And that's what Clarke tries to do. She switches off the screen of her phone, leaves it on the nightstand (so it's too far out of reach, beneath the comfort of the blankets, that she won't be tempted to reach for it and text Lexa back), and she thinks. Clarke's eyes shut tiredly and at first she can picture the stars. She imagines herself beneath them, on something cool, somewhere faraway. Somewhere soft and still. She's there beneath the stars for a little while until they start to change. It happens slowly and Clarke's not sure why, but they start to blend around a face. It's one she's not really sure that she's seen before but it feels familiar. It's not clear, just the structure of it is - starry eyes, wavy hair- and the stars fade in around the features until it's gone and she's left with the stars again. Distant, but still close in their own way. Still there, shining on quietly and with their own kind of beauty.
It feels peaceful.
author's note: So sorry it took forever to update. ❤❤