NOTE: The chapters are going to be fewer, but longer in this story. And the formatting is different, because I'm using both the script and video to write it. I hope you guys don't mind.
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Disclaimer: I don't own, but I really wish I did. But I also don't because then I wouldn't know what to do with it and it'll all just be a mess.
ACT 1
SCENE 1 - THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES
NARRATOR: A dark stage; we hear the "ding" of an elevator as it comes to a stop. An Elevator Voice says...
ELEVATOR VOICE: Bottom Floor. The Department of Mysteries.
LUNA: Lumos. (lights up on LUNA LOVEGOOD, her wand drawn; she exits the elevator)
Everyone gaped at the girl on screen, who looked remarkably like the Luna sitting in the room with them. Said girl beamed.
"Oh, she's pretty," Luna remarked. "Too pretty to be me, I think." A few people frowned at this.
"She's new," Hermione said. "We haven't seen this actress before."
Ginny checked the paper. "Evanna Lynch," she announced. "She also played Luna in the movies."
Luna's smile stretched even further. "I like her."
NEVILLE: Luna! Wait for me! (NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM enters from the elevator, out of breath)
Neville smiled. "He doesn't really look much like me, but I'll take it."
Ron grinned, "Just wait until you hear the nickname."
"What?"
LUNA: Come on Neville!
NEVILLE: Sorry. It's a nervous tick; I slow down whenever I have to hurry up.
"That makes no sense!"
LUNA: Wow, we're here. The Department of Mysteries. Isn't it wonderful? All the world's most mysterious and magical anomalies in one booby-trapped labyrinth. I wanna see the Room of Death! (she takes out a disposable camera) Smile Neville! (she snaps a pic, the flash goes off)
Luna frowned. She didn't really want to see the Room of Death again. That wasn't a very nice experience.
NEVILLE: Can we just find the rest of the DA? Before the Death Eaters, gulp, find us?
"The rest of the DA is there too?"
LUNA: Oh yeah, we're here on a mission. The very last of the Death Eaters broke in and we gotta catch em! Maybe I should turn my flash off. (the flash flashes again) Oops! That'll be a good one! (Neville panics and jumps into her arms)
Luna giggled and Neville turned pink.
NEVILLE: Ahh!
LUNA: Neville, don't be such a guppy. What's the worst that could happen?
NEVILLE: We could get caught by Death Eaters.
LUNA: I think you mean killed. We could get killed by the Death Eaters. That would be a lot worse.
NEVILLE: Oh d-d-dear.
Everyone looked a bit upset, especially Harry and Remus. Being reminded of the time Sirius died was not a good thing, even if he was sitting in the room with them.
LUNA: (singing)
It's been a long time coming
But tonight is the end of the war my friend
Tomorrow only one side will remain
We will win or we will lose the fight, either way it's the end, no use to pretend
It's the final show, we gotta go, meet our destiny!
This is the end!
"She's not as great as some of the others, but she's decent," Ron said.
(Luna and Neville are suddenly surrounded by DEATH EATERS, they close in and grab the kids )
NEVILLE: Oh no! Death Eaters!
LUNA: Be merciful and kill us quickly! (FENRIR GREYBACK slowly stalks his way into the room)
Luna's usually dreamy eyes hardened. She would never, ever say anything like that to a Death Eater. Ever.
FENRIR: Well, well, well. If it isn't Luna Lovegood and Neville Schlong-bottom.
The room burst into laughter at the familiar nickname. Neville turned red.
"That's a horrible nickname," he mumbled.
LUNA: Gasp. Fenrir Greyback. (She snaps a picture)
Remus glared at the screen.
DEATH EATER #1: Should we kill them now, sir?
FENRIR: Oh, oh, oh, these two little piggies are going to make a yummy snack, but not yet. For now they'll serve as hostages. The rest of Dumbledore's Army must be here… somewhere.
"Why would I bring the entire DA?" Harry asked incredulously.
"Maybe it's just us," Hermione mused. "And Neville and Luna."
"Yeah, or maybe it's just us that they'll show in this scene," Ron said.
NEVILLE: You won't get away with this, you villains!
FENRIR: Oh really? You DA brats have been a thorn in our side for your sixth year at Hogwarts, but tonight we reclaim the ultimate weapon and the Death Eaters shall rise again!
DEATH EATERS:
Your time is running out
Where is your hero now
You can look everywhere but he's nowhere to be found
DEATH EATER 1: (singing)
You look to your right
DEATH EATERS:
You're not gonna find him!
DEATH EATER 1:
You look to your left
DEATH EATERS:
he's not even there!
don't even try
he doesn't care about you
he's moved ooooon
he's gone he's gone he's gone!
This is the end!
"Are they talking about Harry, do you think?" Fred asked his brother.
"Probably," George said. "Don't know why they'd say stuff like that though."
(Fenrir, the Death Eaters, and the kids reach a safe amidst the piles of mysterious objects; Fenrir holds the medallion to the safe, then his ear)
FENRIR: Here it is. (Fenrir picks up a small DIARY) AT LAST!
Ginny paled. "This one is about the diary?"
Harry clenched his fists. "Maybe it won't be as bad. Maybe it's just us destroying it and the rest of the musical is different."
Ginny bit her lip. "Yeah. Hopefully."
Finally, the ultimate artifact of evil is within my grasp! Now all of wizardom shall fall to the Dark Mark! You two, however, won't be around for the show. (he approaches Neville and Luna, licking his lips) Oh, I've been working on this evil plan for so long, I've worked up an healthy appetite. And you two are going to make a nice little weirdo sandwich with an extra side of mo-RON!
RON: Did somebody say Ron? (a Death Eater removes his mask and is revealed to be none other than RON WEASLEY in disguise)
Those who had seen the previous musicals laughed. Neville and Luna laughed as well, but not for the same reasons.
"Look at you!" Neville chuckled.
"You do look rather funny," Luna said.
FENRIR: What?! No, I said mor-
LUNA & NEVILLE: Ron!
RON: Stupefy!
FENRIR: Argh! (Fenrir is hit by the spell and throws the diary into the air. Ron catches it)
"Nice catch, Weasley," Malfoy sneered. "Too bad you can't do that on the Quidditch field."
"Oh, lay off," Ron snapped. "At least I can block something. You can hardly catch a single snitch."
RON: YES! Come on guys, let's get outta here! (Ron pushes over the tank of brains, flooding the stage and entire theatre with slimy, green, brain-filled water; the strange brains begin to ensnare the Death Eaters, allowing the kids to make a break for it)
RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: (singing)
This is the end
RON:
Of all the fighting
RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:
This is the end
RON:
The people dying
RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:
This is the end
RON:
There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them
RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:
This is the end
"Still great singers."
"Ron, stop commenting about are great voices. We know they're great."
"Yes, Ginny."
RON: Okay, we're supposed to meet Hermione in here! (HERMIONE GRANGER rushes into the room, also dressed as a Death Eater)
HERMIONE: Ron! There you are! Wait a second…where are your guys' Death Eater disguises? (Luna grabs Neville's arm)
LUNA: Neville! A Death Eater! Protect me!
"I'm not a Death Eater!"
NEVILLE: Take this you Death Eater! (Neville runs to Hermione and begins beating her mercilessly) THIS IS FOR MY FAMILY!
HERMIONE: AH! My nose!
RON: Neville stop! That's Hermione! That's my girlfriend! (Ron pulls Neville off Hermione)
"What?" Neville and Luna said at the same time.
Ron and Hermione turned red.
"In the first musical they got together," Ginny explained, stifling giggles.
"Oh."
NEVILLE: Oh, d-d-d-dear…
HERMIONE: Oh goddammit Ron! I think my nose got broken! What's the damage? (Hermione removes the Death Eater mask)
"Hey!" Hermione exclaimed. "It's not the same girl!"
Ginny scanned the paper, which had grown increasingly long. "It says that the first actress to play you, Bonnie, kinda left the group, so the new you is Meredith Stepien. Apparently she had a major part in this other musical they performed, Starship, and she was a good fit for the new you."
"Oh," Hermione said. "Well, I hope she's good enough. I rather liked Bonnie."
RON: Whoa… Hermione, I—I mean, I don't wanna scare you or anything but… you look hot!
Hermione looked slightly offended. "Other me was pretty too," she huffed.
HERMIONE: Well, I may look different, but you guys should just treat me like I'm the same old Hermione you know and love. (she turns and addresses theaudience) And that goes for you all too.(Hermione winks and flashes a winning smile. Theaudience chuckles and accepts her at once. She then notices the diary Ron is carrying)
"That's a nice way to address the change," Remus said.
Ron, is that a book? I've never seen you with one of those before!
Everyone burst out laughing. "That's great!" Ginny wheezed out, leaning onto Hermione for support. Fred and George were both doubled over holding their sides and Harry looked as if he might cry from laughter at any second.
Ron looked embarrassed, "I read," he muttered. "Just because it's not all the time like you doesn't mean I don't."
RON: No, it's a diary. (he hands it to her) We're trying to keep it away from the Death Eaters!
LUNA: And it's really fun! (DEATH EATER #3 enters and heads toward the kids)
"Not really," Luna said softly.
DEATH EATER #3: RAWR!
RON, LUNA, HERMIONE, & NEVILLE: Death Eater! (the kids run)
HERMIONE:
It's been a long time coming
But tonight is the end of the war my friend
Tomorrow only one side will remain
ALL:
This is the end
-our time is running out
This is the end
Where is our hero now
This is the end
He is nowhere to be found
This is the end
of all the fighting
This is the end
The people dying
This is the end
There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them
This is the end
This is the end
This is the end
This is the end
This is the end this is the end this is the end this is the end this is the end
THIS IS THE END
"Don't even say it Ron."
"Buzzkill."
Slap.
"Sorry!"
FENRIR: Finally caught up with you little bastards! Now hand over the journal, you nerd! (he grabs Hermione, attempting to rip the diary from her hands) Struggle all you like! (more Death Eaters fill the room, surrounding the kids)
NEVILLE: Hermione!
HERMIONE: Neville, help me!
HARRY: Expelliarmus! (the Death Eaters' wands are cast aside and they begin to scramble in terror)
Everyone gaped, but for different reasons.
"My hair!" Harry exclaimed. "What happened?!"
"Hot," Ginny grinned.
"Whoa," Neville said. "Better than everyone else. Of course it's Harry."
"Nice jacket," Ron snickered. "You a Hufflepuff now Harry?"
"Ginny check the paper, I want an explanation," Harry said.
Ginny read off the top of the list. "Your actor became famous and cut his hair." she smirked. "'Bout time, too. The afro was cute and all, but you look pretty damn good with those curls all sorted out now."
Harry flushed.
FENRIR: Where are you going, you cretins!? He's just a child (Harry emerges from the archway, a full-grown teen wiz-kid)
HARRY: I'm not a child anymore. I'm seventeen years old. Happy Birthday to me. And what better present then to have the last of the Death Eaters, all conveniently in the same place, wrapped in a big bow. You made a big mistake coming here tonight, Fenrir.
"I hope I look half as good as that when I hit seventeen."
"Keep dreaming, Harry. You're gonna be a scrawny little git forever."
"Thanks, Ron."
"No problem, mate."
FENRIR: You arrogant little shit!
"That was James," Remus corrected quietly.
HARRY: You've been trying to kill me all year and now you threaten my friends?! Let's finish this. (he raises his wand)
FENRIR: As you wish. (he lashes out with his wand) Avada Kedavra!
HARRY: (he dodges Fenrir's spell and shoots one of his own) Jelly Legs Jinx!
"You're kidding." Neville said.
"Not again," Hermione groaned. "I thought we would have gotten over this spell by now."
FENRIR: Whoa! Oh no! My legs are-! (Fenrir stumbles backwards and falls through the veil to hell) (he is gone) (the Death Eaters scatter to the doors and archways in the room, making their escape) (before the Death Eaters can escape, the doors to the chamber burst open)
WIZARD COP#1: Freeze motherfucker! We're the Wizard Cops! (THE WIZARD COPS rush in to save the day, their wands drawn)
Everyone burst out laughing.
"I love these musicals sometimes," Sirius managed through his laughs.
RON, HERMIONE, LUNA & NEVILLE: The wizard cops! (the Wizard Cops push the Death Eaters to the floor, hand cuffing each and every last one)
WIZARD COP#2: On the ground! On the ground!
RON: Thanks, good buddy.
HERMIONE: Harry! (the Death Eaters are beat. Just then, KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT enters)
KINGSLEY: Well chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it again ya'll.
"Hey, that's Cho's line," Ron said. "Not that guy's."
HERMIONE: Kingsley Shacklebolt, the Minister of Magic!
"Not bad casting," Sirius said.
KINGSLEY: And chief of the wizard cops.
WIZARD COP #1: Word.
"I like these Wizard Cops," Luna said.
KINGSLEY: Well, now that ya'll saved the world and rounded up the last of these Dark Magic turkeys, I gotta ask you: Why the HELL can't you kids just let me do my job for once?!
HERMIONE: Oh no, Mr. Shacklebolt, you don't understand! We had to stop those Death Eaters! Harry was having these visions…
Harry groaned. "I hate visions," he mumbled, glancing at Sirius.
KINGSLEY: Yeah, I already heard the whole story from your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He's the one that let us know to come down here tonight. Come on in Alastor! (MAD-EYE MOODY enters)
MAD-EYE MOODY: Hello, hello.
KIDS: Mad-Eye Moody!
"A lot of new actors," Hermione said. "Are all of them from the other production you said Meredith was in? Spaceship or whatever?"
"Starship," Ginny corrected. "They're all from different shows."
MAD-EYE MOODY: That's right. That was some fine work you done here, Potter. I taught you well.
HARRY: Thanks Professor.
MAD-EYE MOODY: And you defeated Fenrir Greyback did you?
RON: He sure did.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Nice. Very nice.
HERMIONE: Looks like the Death Eaters were after this. (she holds up the diary) But we managed to keep it away from them.
"Don't give it to him," Hermione begged, already knowing where it was going. "Please."
MAD-EYE MOODY: And it's a good thing you did, Miss Granger. If the Death Eaters were to get a hold of that the entire world would be in jeopardy. Best hand that over to me now. I'll keep it nice and safe. (he reaches for the diary, but Harry intercepts it)
HARRY: Oh, I'm sure you would Professor Moody, or should I say… Barty Crouch!
"Jr." Harry added.
(Panicked, MAD-EYE MOODY rips off his mad-eye revealing himself to actually be the villainous BARTY CROUCH JR.)
BARTY CROUCH: Blimey! (Barty pulls out a gun)
"He has a gun?!" Harry and Hermione said at the same time.
Nobody move! Wands on the ground, wands on the ground, right now, in a pile. I'm not fucking around this time. (everyone freezes and drops their weapons) Alright, alright. So Potter, how'd you know it was me?
"I thought they said Moody died in the first musical," Malfoy said.
"They did," Hermione replied.
HARRY: I had my suspicions for a while. It was briefly mentioned Mad-Eye Moody died during my second year, but I wasn't sure it was you until tonight. Now you're gonna answer for you crimes, Farty Couch.
"Lame."
BARTY CROUCH: Oh yeah? I've got a better idea! ( BARTY grabs KINGSLEY and puts the gun to his head) Nobody move a goddamn muscle. Me and Mr. Shacklebolt here are goin' for a little trip to the Floo Network, and none of you jive-ass bobbies is gonna follow! You dig!? (this infuriates THE WIZARD COPS, but Kingsley motions for them to calm down)
"Jive-ass bobbies?"
"I don't even know."
KINGSLEY: We dig Mood-Eye. We dig. (Barty begins to drag Kingsley away)
HARRY: Oh Barty, if you're going on a vacation I know a first rate hotel that offers free bodyguard service and meals. It has every amenity in the world. One could live there.
"I'm offering him a place to stay?!"
BARTY CROUCH: Oh really? Sounds like they require some reservations.
HARRY: Nope. You don't need one… for Hotel Azkaban!
"Oh. Never mind."
BARTY CROUCH: Potter, always the joker, you self-righteous son of a bitch.
"James," Remus corrected again.
(he points his gun at Harry) Oh what's the matter, Potter? Afraid of a little Muggle toy? Well let's even the stakes then. (BARTY shoves KINGSLEY back to the wizard-cops) Just you and me now. Let's settle it the old-fashioned way. Mono e mono. Man to man. Fist to face. C'mere you little bastard.
HERMIONE: Stupefy! (Barty falls backwards, out for the count; Kingsley is free)
Ginny laughed. "Of course, Hermione to the rescue, as usual."
BARTY CROUCH: NOOO!
KINGSLEY: That was some quick thinking. You just saved my life. But that still doesn't excuse what you kids did here tonight. Breaking into the Department of Mysteries, flying threshals right through the Queen's Day parade. You kittens
"We are not kittens!" Ron exclaimed.
may think Dumbledore's Army can take on the world, but ya'll should have called us the second you heard some funky shit was going down here tonight!
"There it is!" Hermione said. "That word! Why do they always say funky?!"
The other two-thirds of the Trio rolled their eyes.
HARRY: Sorry Kingsley, we just didn't have the time.
KINGSLEY: You know what Potter boy big-boy Potter!? You're a hot-shot loose cannon! It's that kind of maverick attitude… that makes you perfect for the Wizard Cops!
"Seriously?" Harry said.
KIDS: Wow!
KINGSLEY: So what do you say HP, you ready to join the force and take a bite out of crime?
HARRY: I'd love to. But I can't.
KINGSLEY: And why the HELL not!?
HARRY: Cause I'm going back to Hogwarts. Senior year starts September first.
Harry smiled.
KINGSLEY: Haha. Alright, well you're right, Potter. It's a shame though; you would've made one good goddamn, wizard-goddamn, wizard-hell of a wizard-cop.
"...what?"
Alright boys, let's get out of here! (Kingsley and the Wizard Cops start taking the Death Eaters away; Harry stuffs the diary into his pocket and picks Barty up off the floor)
HARRY: Ah, beaten again, huh? You Death Eaters never learn. Your Dark Lord's been dead for five years. Why do you guys keep hanging on to something that's over?
BARTY CROUCH: Well, if it's over for me then it's over for you too. You see, all you are is someone who fights us. Once we're gone the world won't need a hero anymore. If the Dark Lord can't live forever, then neither can you.
Harry frowned.
HARRY: (Harry looks a Barty for a moment, then pushes him towards the Wizard Cops) Take him away.
"Pretty good," Ron said, stretching. "I think this'll be a good one."
"Even with the scripts?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah."
"The videos seem longer," Hermione said. "I wonder why."
"Who cares?" Malfoy said. "Just hurry up. I cant to get out of here."
Ginny scowled at him. "Shut up. She doesn't control the videos, dipshit."
"Language," Fred and George said in their best impression of their mother.
"Oh hush, you two."
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