Hello everyone! I'm back! I'm so sorry it took so long. At first I didn't have time, then I lost inspiration, then school got in the way. I finally sat myself down and got this out today, I'm so happy. I hadn't realized how much I've missed this.
Anyways, thank you all so much for leaving reviews and sending PMs inquiring about the next chapter! It means so much to me that you all care about this story. I love you guys!
I apologize in advance about the crappy chapter. I'm a little rusty in my fic-writing abilities.
No promises about when the next chapter will be out. We all know what happened last time I said two weeks...
Disclaimer: HP belongs to Queen Jo, and AVPSY belongs to the cult StarkidPotter.
ACT 1
SCENE 3 – THE GREAT HALL
Lights up on the smoking wreckage of the Flying Car, which has crashed into the Herbology Room of Hogwarts; completely destroying it.
"But we crashed into the Whomping Willow," Harry said.
Remus frowned at him. "You crashed into the Whomping Willow?"
"Yeah, second year."
HARRY: Woah. Wipe out.
HERMIONE: Ron, look what you did!
HARRY: Hey, at least we crashed into the Herbology Room.
"Whomping Willow."
I always hated that class. Let's get outta here before we get in really big trouble. (suddenly MINERVA MCGONAGALL enters)
MCGONAGALL: Oh, in the name of stuffy, old ninnies everywhere, what is going—POTTER!?
KIDS: Professor McGonagall!
Everyone in the room burst out laughing.
"She looks ridiculous!" Hermione giggled.
"Stuffy—old—ninnies!" Fred spluttered between laughs.
Snape smiled evilly, happy he wasn't the only one who looked terribly funny.
MCGONAGALL: Look what you've done to greenhouse! An entire crop of Mandrakes destroyed! It'll take all year to grow another! And look! You killed Professor Sprout!
Harry gaped. "What?! WHAT?!"
"Harry," Neville clucked disapprovingly. "You can't just go around killing professors every year."
"The paper says she doesn't actually die, they just added that in for fun," Ginny said.
"Some fun," Harry grumbled, relaxing back into his seat.
You'd better have a jolly good explanation for all this, Potter, or I'll expel you so fast your head will spin-spin faster than a Fizzing Fancy!
HARRY: Guys, guys, lemme take care of this. Professor, this isn't what it looks like. You see, we couldn't have destroyed the Herbology room… because it was like this when we got here.
MCGONAGALL: Potter, I know I may not be as "hip" as Dumbledore was, but I'm the Headmaster of this school now. I consider myself a very reasonable uptight-bitch,
The occupants of the room, all of whom which had barely gotten over their last bout of laughter, started up again.
"Minnie would die if she saw this," Sirius smirked.
but if you haven't got a witness to back up your story then it's out of my hands, Potter. (just then, DRACO MALFOY struts into the room)
DRACO: Well, well, well… What a fine opportunity that has fallen straight from the sky right into my diapered lap.
Neville stared at on-screen Malfoy before turning to the Malfoy five feet away from him.
"What," Malfoy said flatly.
"Nothing," Neville said slowly. "Nothing at all."
HARRY: Malfoy!
DRACO: How fortuitous that I happened to be exploring the next room with my bilingual friend Dora (Draco holds up a Dora the Explora doll), when I witnessed the entire happenings of what happened here tonight.
"Why do I have a doll?" Malfoy looked exasperated.
"She's your bilingual friend, Dora," Luna said. "Calling her a doll would be rude."
Malfoy stared at her. Actually, the whole room stared at her, not just Malfoy. Yes, that includes the walls.
MCGONAGALL: Oh thank goodness, Draco. Can you please clear up this whole mess?
DRACO: Indeed I can. Oh, but first I'd like to point out to Mr. Potter that I now hold his fate in the palm of my tiny hand.
Ron glared at Malfoy, who ignored him.
RON: Malfoy, you little shit…
DRACO: And I can assure you, Headmaster, that these fellows… are entirely innocent.
"What?!" The Golden Trio and friends stared at Malfoy, who shrugged.
"Don't look at me."
MCGONAGALL, HARRY, RON, HERMIONE & GINNY: What?!
MCGONAGALL: Well, then who is responsible for this severe property damage?
DRACO: Isn't it obvious? (to his Dora the Explora doll) Sorry old friend. (turns to McGonagall) It was Dora.
"WHAT?!" Trio and friends were louder this time. Gosh, they need to lower their voices.
Malfoy looked ready the throttle his actress. "I would never do that," he said. "I'd just try and get Potter in trouble." He shrunk back into his chair when he noticed the death looks.
MCGONAGALL: Miss Explora! I am shocked! You're coming with me immediately.
DRACO: Looks like this is the end of our adventure, Dora. I really did love you. (Draco puts his hand over his mouth and makes a small Dora voice) Te amo tambien, y… lo siento.
"Anyone know Spanish?"
…
"Okay, so we'll just skip that."
MCGONAGALL: You kids had better head off to the Great Hall or you'll miss the welcoming feast. Spit spot! Off you go! (she exits)
"Spit spot?" Hermione repeated. "Spit spot?"
RON: (wiping sweat from his brow) Shwew. That was close.
HARRY: Alright, Malfoy, what's the deal?
DRACO: What? Surprised how I could pin your crime on that saucy tart?
"Oh, so the doll is a saucy tart now?" Malfoy rolled his eyes dramatically. "This is so stupid."
I'm not denying it, I did sleep with her; but she's been seeing my Paddington Bear behind my back for weeks now.
Remus shot Malfoy a funny look, wondering if he needed to see a therapist of some sort.
As you can see, Potter, it's very dangerous to be one of my enemies. Which is why it's such a good thing that… we're friends.
"You wish," Harry snorted.
HARRY: Yeah right, Malfoy. I'll never be your friend. Come on, guys. (the kids head out of the Herbology room and make their way through the halls of Hogwarts)
DRACO: Noo! Wait! Alright now, surely you chaps must remember all the good times we had during our school years together. Like when we battled Professor Quirrell and I destroyed that last horcrux. Or when I traveled back in time and saved you from my evil father?
HARRY: No, I don't really remember that… I was 11.
"I remember my 11-year-old adventures."
"We all remember your first year adventures, Harry."
DRACO: Well, then surely you chaps remember our third year?! The most memorable and important one, when we all went to Pigfarts! I did many important things that year; and we had so many clean jokes and good songs and nobody swore.
"Ha, that's a good one."
HARRY: Oh yeah, I remember… Fuck that year.
DRACO: Well, we've only got one more year together, chaps. What do you say we bury the hatchet and enjoy it as good friends should?
HARRY: Whatever, Malfoy. Just butt out.
RON: As in, get your poopy butt outta here!
DRACO: Alright, dudes. Until next time, you hang loose!
"What kind of slang is that?"
"He sounds so awkward saying it."
(he exits as Harry and the gang reach THE GREAT HALL; kids flood the stage and there is a great hustle and bustle; SEAMUSFINNIGAN and DEAN THOMAS enter)
SEAMUS: Bloody nuts, it's Harry Potter!
"That's Seamus," Harry said for Neville and Luna.
HARRY: Seamus! (he hugs Seamus, then Dean)
DEAN: What's good, what's good, my brother?
"And that's Dean."
(there is the flash of a camera, COLIN CREEVEY has taken a picture of them)
COLIN: Zowzers bowzers!
"Zowzers bowzers? Where do they come up with this stuff?"
Harry Potter! Mind a few pics? For the school paper?
HARRY: Who's this?
COLIN: Colin Creevey, sir. First year. I just got sorted into Gryffindor, and I'm a big fan!
HARRY: Is that so? That's what I like to hear. Hey, be sure to get my good side. (Harry poses)
Harry facepalmed. "Why me?"
COLIN: Alright! Jillickers! (Colin snaps another picture)
HARRY: I can tell that boy has a long and illustrious career ahead of him. (as all the kids head to their tables/benches, McGonagall reenters and takes center stage)
Hermione frowned. "While do I get the feeling that this is some kind of foreshadowing?"
MCGONAGALL: Alright children! Silence! Silence! Welcome one and all to another magical year at Hogwarts. Now, before I introduce this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I would like to present the school's newly chosen Head-Girl, Miss Cho Chang! (CHOCHANG stands)
CHO: Howdy, ya'll!
"How did Hermione not get Head Girl?"
MCGONAGALL: Now I would've presented this year's Head-Boy, but sadly the young man who was chosen was murdered at the end of last term by Fenrir Greyback.
Remus scowled.
So we cannot leave the school Head-Boy-Less, so for the first time we will present the first ever Hogwarts Head-Boy Election. We have chosen two male candidates who will campaign throughout the first term, at the end of which there will be a school-wide vote to determine this year's Head-Boy. So, the first candidate is none other than Harry Potter!
Harry groaned.
RON: Woo! Woo! Woo!
MCGONAGALL: And Draco Malfoy!
"It's always him," George said.
RON: Hahaha! Draco?!
DRACO: Hmm, it is with a heavy heart that I accept this civic duty. Of course my vote will be going to Harry Potter, whom I believe to be the best man for the job.
HARRY: Thank you, Malfoy. I'll be voting for myself as well.
Hermione rolled her eyes.
MCGONAGALL: You will each been be given a campaign budget of $50…
KIDS: (impressed) Ooooo…
MCGONAGALL: …Whence you have settled upon a campaign manager.
DRACO: And for my campaign manager, I pick my most trusted underling… Crabbe and Goyle. (a door opens and GOYLE walks onto the stage alone andsad) Goyle, where the devil is Crabbe?
"Paper says this happens, sort of. It's a really watered down version, they left a lot out, apparently," Ginny informed the group.
GOYLE: Hm… Me and Crabbe were in the Room of Requirements… We started a fire and… (sigh)… Crabbe's dead.
Malfoy looked a little upset. Sure Crabbe wasn't the best of friends, but he was still, you know, a friend.
DRACO: Oh no… I was counting on his vote.
GOYLE: Cheer up old friend, take heart. I met this new guy on the train and he seems pretty cool. (through the door walks THE CANDY LADY pushing her trolley of candy)
CANDY LADY: Candy from the trolley, dear?
"Oh my God, the Candy Lady is your new Crabbe."
DRACO: Oh brimstone and broil. She'll have to do.
HARRY: This is great. For a while I was worried, but without Crabbe, Malfoy doesn't stand a chance!
RON: Yeah, Harry. You got this election in the bag! (suddenly the door swings open, startling everyone, and GILDEROY LOCKHEART enters)
GILDEROY: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that.
SEAMUS: Bloody piss! It's…
HERMIONE: Gilderoy Lockhart!
Ginny nudged Hermione in the side. Hermione rolled her eyes again.
KIDS: WOOOOAAAAHHHH!
GILDEROY: Yes, yes, hello ladies and… ladies. (he takes Cho Chang's hand and kisses it; she faints)
MCGONAGALL: Children, I would like to present this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: New York Times bestseller, and all around heartthrob… Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart!
"I can't wait to not be taught anything!"
GILDEROY: Why thank you, Headmaster. You're too kind for your own good, and a little too foxy for mine. (wink; McGonagall swoons)
Sirius mimed gagging.
SEAMUS: (points to Gilderoy) That's the most famous wizard in the world that is!
HARRY: Woah, guys! (stands and points to himself) I think you mean second.
GILDEROY: Well, Harry Potter. We meet at last. Yes, I've heard all about your heroic deeds… in the past. (the kids gasp) Oh, didn't you kids hear? Harry Potter used to be cool.
"Thank Godric," Harry muttered. "I will happily be a uncool."
SEAMUS: Used to be cool?
DEAN: Watchu talkin' 'bout?
GILDEROY: I guess you've all been locked up in this horrible school for so long that you've lost touch with the real Wizarding world.
RON: But Harry just saved the real Wizarding world from real Death Eaters.
GILDEROY: Boring! How sick are we all of seeing Harry beat Death Eater after Death Eater in these long, drawn-out episodes?
"Very," Harry's friends said.
I mean, how many years ago did the Dark Lord die?! Five! And here's Harry Potter, still dating the same butter-faced girl since he was twelve! I mean, when will it end so we can move on with our lives?!
"I'm not butter-faced!"
SEAMUS: Yeah!
HARRY: No, no, no, you're wrong, Gilderoy! People love me. My adventures aren't repetitive. They're familiar and comforting. Besides, if the whole Wizarding world isn't obsessed with Harry Potter, what are they obsessed with?
"Uh, Lockhart."
"I'm so stupid in this," Harry groaned.
GILDEROY: Why that would be… me. I'm telling you children, take one step off the grounds of Hogwarts and you know what they'll be talking about? A forbidden love between a young girl and a Dracula monster. Twilight. Now a major motion picture.
KIDS: OoooooOooo.
GILDEROY: Yes, the world has grown weary of Harry Potter. He's nothing more than a passing fad! Entirely old hat.
"YES!:
HARRY: Old hat?! OLD HAT?! I'm not an old—you're an old hat—how's this for "old hat"? (he takes out his guitar and begins to sing)
Hermione can't draw. Hermione can't draw.
Hermione cannot draw… (Cho stands in Hermione's defense)
CHO: Harry, that song is not funny anymore. It is rude and insensitive!
"Thank you, Cho," Hermione muttered.
HARRY: Wha… But… Come on guys… No one delivers classic musical hijinks like your old pal HP…
"Well," George said. "That's certainly true."
GILDEROY: Oh, why anyone could strum that silly old lyre! It takes a real man to tickle the ivories… (Gilderoy sits down at a baby grand piano which has risen from the floor Phantom-of-the-Opera style; he begins to play it as he sings)
SONG- WIZARD OF THE YEAR
GILDEROY:
Who's wiser than a warlock, and tougher than a troll,
and charming as a candy cane?
Faster than a phoenix, sly as a sphinx,
and always set to entertain?
Here to give this sagging tale a hero to employ.
Look up to the skies, now look in my eyes,
it's Gilderoy!
"A song about how great he is," Ron said. "Great."
Who's handsome as a hobbit, and manly as a mare,
and always gives the girls a wink?
Who's funny as a ferret, and quick as a quill,
and always sings without a lip sync?
Here to rid your nostrils of that dreadful Potter boy
'cause that smell in the air is the marvelous flair of
scuse me, Gilderoy!
Long ago lived a fellow who caught your eye,
Hair that curled in a beautiful fro.
"Your old hair in the musicals," Ginny mused. "It looks better now, though."
Now it's gone, and replaced with a suit and tie,
dancing in a variety show.
Oh, where did he go? Does he even care at all?
Recently, he's been acting very queer.
Every day, his story grows more and more banal,
And Voldemort isn't coming this year.
Gilderoy is here to fill your short attention span.
Why look at that wonder boy,
when you could be looking at a wonder man?
GIRLS:
We could be looking at a wonder man!
GILDEROY:
Who was Wizard of the Year seven times in seven years?
(spoken) Who was it?
KIDS:
Gilderoy!
GILDEROY:
Who conquered all his fears and made a boggart disappear?
(spoken) go on say it!
KIDS:
Gilderoy!
GILDEROY:
Who taught a yeti how to sing?
Walked in to Mordor and destroyed the ring?
"Lord of the Rings!" Hermione yelped. "I love those books!"
Battled a banshee and came out a champ?
trapped Jafar inside of a lamp?
"From the movie Aladdin!" Hermione said. "Oh, that was a cute movie."
Stories of wonder for each girl and boy
Paperback or hardback, for you to enjoy
Form an orderly line,
KIDS:
It's Gilderoy!
(As they sings this, everyone forms a line and walks up one at a time, handing over cash for books, headshots, pieces of lint from Gilderoy's armpits, etc)
GILDEROY:
Ladies one at a time!
KIDS:
It's Gilderoy!
GILDEROY:
Give me something to sign!
KIDS:
It's Gilderoy!
GILDEROY:
All sales are final.
Soon the school will be mine!
EVERYONE:
It's Gilderoy!
(The kids laugh and cheer and follow Gilderoy out of the room; the only two people left are Harry and Ginny)
HARRY: Yeah! Yeah! That song was okay. But check this out! (singing) I'm Harry Freakin' Potter! I don't wince at all! I'm invincible from all…harm…
"I'm failing at singing along," Ginny muttered.
(talking) Ow. Ouch. Oh man. What is this? Ouch…I feel something? It's not like a bummer or even a wipe out. It's like a "drag", man... but worse.
GINNY: Oh Harry. Don't listen to what Gilderoy says. Everybody still likes you, even if no one likes you anymore.
"That makes no sense."
HARRY: That's what it is. No. He's right. He's right, Ginny. I'm boring. I'm predictable. I keep doing the same stuff every year. Fight the same dudes. Date the same girl. I'm old hat.
GINNY: Well, you know what they say about an old hat! It fits like a glove!
HARRY: I gotta shake things up! I gotta change everything! Stay fresh! Have a forbidden love of my own! Then people won't forget about me! Ever! Ginny, I'm sorry but…we gotta break up.
Ginny raised her eyebrows. "You're breaking up with me…because of something Gileroy Lockhart said?"
Harry's eyes widened. "I wouldn't actually do that to you in real life," he said quickly. "If we—I mean—I'd never, erm—if we actually dated I wouldn't do that?" He stumbled over his words.
Ginny giggled. "Relax, Harry. I'm sure you'd have some stupid noble reason to break up with me, not a Lockhart reason Besides, we aren't even dating, it's not that big a deal."
"Right," Harry squeaked out.
GINNY: What? But… but… we love each other. Don't we?
HARRY: Ginny, it's not that I don't like you. It's that other people don't like me. It's nothing personal.
"You are so stupid, Harry."
"I know!" he wailed.
GINNY: But… I need you. My body needs you! I gave you five years of my life!
HARRY: Yeah, and they were some bodacious years. We had some great times. I will never throw out any of the shit you bought me. But I'm sure you'll never forget how hard I wrocked your world.
GINNY: So, this is it?! Just like that? This is "Goodbye"?
HARRY: Ginny, this isn't "goodbye". It's just "you're cramping my style".
Ginny looked irriated.
GINNY: Well you know what, Harry Potter?! You suck! (Ginny runs off crying as Ron enters)
HARRY: Ginny, that's not fair! You know I'm self-conscious about that!
Harry turned red as everyone stared at him. "What?"
RON: What's up her butt?
HARRY: I'm sorry man, but I just broke up with your sister. (Ron stares at him for a moment in disbelief)
RON: YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHH! This is the best news ever! I gotta tell you, I hated pretending to be nice to your girlfriend because I cannot stand my stupid little sister. Yes! This feels so good!
"Thanks, Ron."
"No problem, sis."
HARRY: Yeah, I just hope she's okay.
RON: Who cares?! You're a free man! You can do whatever you want. You could finally go on that date with Cho Chang, ya'll.
HARRY: Maybe, I don't know. But first let's concentrate on making sure I'm still the most popular kid in school. Let's win that Head-Boy election! (the boys exit)
"I think I get dumber every musical," Harry said.
Hermione nodded her agreement.
Ron looked impatient. "Come on, I want to know how we beat Malfoy!"
"It's loading, Ron, be patient. Why don't you get more snacks?"
He shrugged and got up to get more food.
"I wasn't actually serious," Hermione said.
Ron got a box of candy anyways.
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