happy update saturday, y'all.
it's been over a year, i know, but listen. listen. at least it's here. it's quick, it's unedited, my hp fic writing skills are dusty as hell. but hey. at least it's here.
i'm sorry the wait was so long (and that the next one will be, too. don't deny it. i'm not gonna be back for months). and thank you to everyone who's stuck for around so long! you guys are amazing.
disclaimer: yo it's been so long since i had to do this. if anyone remembers, i used to be really into the next gen (tti, anyone?). can you imagine if my middle school fanfic was the cursed child? haha thank god i don't own hp.
ACT 1
SCENE 5 - POTTER STINKS
NARRATOR: Lights up on GilderoyLockhart's autograph line;
"You've got to be kidding me." Hermione said flatly.
several kids wait to meet Gilderoy, including Hermione, who standsat the end of the line; Gilderoy finishes signing a headshot for Luna.
Luna frowned. "I didn't like him."
"Didn't?" Ginny asked.
"Well, now I just feel sorry for him," Luna said.
GILDEROY: There you are, Miss Lovegood. Thanks for stopping by! Okay, who's next? Oh, why hello, Neville! My, my, it's nice to see a boy in my line for a change! (Gilderoy signs a headshot for Neville)
"Okay, there must have been boys in line second year," Ginny said.
Harry tilted his head in thought. "Maybe a few? Most of that even is overshadowed by—well, you know." He glanced at Malfoy, whose mouth was in a tight line. Ginny nodded.
NEVILLE: Oh, thank you sir. Katniss Everdeen is my idol.
"What kind of name is Katniss Everdeen?" Snape scoffed. Everyone in the room stared at him. Was he being serious? Was it just Snape being Snape? Did he not understand that his first name was Severus?
"Uh, Ginny," Hermione said.
"Oh!" Ginny fumbled for the paper, glancing at Snape out of the corner of her eye. "The paper says that Katniss Everdeen is apparently the main protagonist of The Hunger Games. And that she's definitely a person to idolize, good job Neville." She blinked a couple times at that last part. "Um, okay."
"Thanks, Ginny," Hermione said pointedly, looking around the room. Everyone dropped their gazes and they turned back to the musical.
GILDEROY: Here you are. Next! (Neville exits, only Hermione is left)
HERMIONE: Hello. Gilderoy Lockhart.
GILDEROY: Why, hello there. It's forty dollars for a headshot, and thirty dollars for an autograph.
"So, just seventy dollars a headshot," Hermione said. "Also, I know this is an American musical, but why are they using American currency? It's one thing not to do accents, it's another for them to ignore our currency."
"Are you talking about pounds or galleons," Harry asked.
"I was talking about pounds, but now that you mention it, they should be using wizarding currency."
"Does it really matter?" Ron asked.
"Well, I suppose not," Hermione huffed. "I was just curious."
HERMIONE: If you could you just sign my copy of Breaking Dawn that would be great.
"Breaking Dawn is the last Twilight book," Ginny informed the group.
GILDEROY: No. No. I only sign the 40-dollar headshots.
HERMIONE: Oh, so really an autograph is just seventy dollars.
Hermione turned pink. "Oh, don't any of you even think about saying it."
GILDEROY: Well aren't you clever? You must be Hermione Granger.
HERMIONE: You know who I am?
GILDEROY: Oh yes. Professor Flitwick says you're an aspiring young writer. He says your translations of Beedle the Bard's boring stories had him on the edge of his seat. And that's saying something, because if that small man were to fall from a chair he could die.
Luna coughed politely to hide her tiny giggle.
HERMIONE: Well, I don't know how good my writing is. I mean, that Beedle the Bard translation was just something silly for fun. My, my true passion…is fan fiction! Based on your work!
"Wait," Hermione said. "What?"
"Fan…fiction?" Harry tried slowly.
"Fan works based on previously existing stories," Ginny supplied, then frowned. "The paper says that the author is trying really hard not to thrown in a fourth wall joke here. I don't get it."
"I don't think we're meant to," Remus said.
"We aren't," Luna said.
GILDEROY: Oh really?
HERMIONE: Yes! In fact here's one fanfic I'm working on right now. (Hermione takes out a fan fiction story and hands it to Gilderoy) In it, you're a Capitol person, and you are dating EffieTrinket, but you fall in love with this sort of mousy under-spoken Avox, um, and then theAvox regains her ability to speak, and, uh, she has a beautiful voice
"I didn't understand any of that," Sirius said.
and, um, she's kinda like the coolestgirl in the whole wide world.
Those present during the previous musical broke out into matching grins.
"So hey," Fred said. "That's implying that Hermione is this mysterious Avox thing."
"Which means that Hermione is actually writing about herself and Lockhart falling in love," George waggled his eyebrows. Most of the room burst into snickers.
Hermione calmly reached out her foot as far as it could go and kicked both of the twins. They pouted at her.
So if you wanted to read it you could, but if you don't want to that's okay, too.
GILDEROY: A mouse-y girl, eh? Well, let's have a looksey. (begins reading) Hmm. Mmhmm. Oh, oh—oh my...ew! Oh my god! Hermione. This is absolutely depraved…I LOVE IT.
HERMIONE: Really?!
GILDEROY: Hell yes! This makes 50 Shades of Grey look like a fucking book for kids!
"'50 Shades of Grey is an erotica and the absolute last thing you should ever read ever. It's not out yet, so you guys are safe for now, but someday, I'm sure you'll hear about it. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not read that book.'" Ginny recited. "Uh, okay?"
With writing like this you could be going places. In fact, I have been looking for someone to write my autobiography—I mean...my biography.
Harry and Ron shared a look.
HERMIONE: You mean me? You would want me to write your story!?
GILDEROY: Perhaps. But I'll need to see some more samples of your writing.
HERMIONE: Oh, I can bring you some more of my fanfics if you want! I have this one where I'm Cato and you're the wolf mutations and you graphically eat me, um…among other things.
"Hermione," Fred and George said, wide smiles taking up half their faces.
"Nope," Hermione said. "Nope, nope, nope, I don't want to hear it."
GILDEROY: No. No. Fan fiction won't do. I need to see how you craft real life into drama. What do you say you write me a few essays on someone you know...someone at Hogwarts...oh, I don't know...Harry Potter?
"Is he," Neville started, then paused. Everyone understood anyway.
"Yes, Neville," Sirius said. "I believe he is."
HERMIONE: Harry? Well, didn't you say yourself, sir, that Harry's life is repetitive and mundane?
"I wish," Harry grumbled.
GILDEROY: Well, if you don't think you could do it...I suppose I'll have to find someone else. It sounds funny to say it now...I thought you were special.
HERMIONE: I am special!
Cue several enthusiastic nods and one very red-faced Hermione.
GILDEROY: No…you're not.
HERMIONE: Yes I am! I'll do it! I'll write about Harry!
GILDEROY: That a girl. Why don't you just write me an essay on each of Harry's years at Hogwarts?
"Hermione," Harry whined. "If this happens in real life I'm going to go live with the mermaids."
"Yeah, okay, Harry," Hermione looked amused.
HERMIONE: Alright, I'll do it Gilderoy Lockhart! And I won't let you down! In fact, I'm gonna get started right now! (she leaves; Lockhart exits. Draco enters with Goyle and The Candy Lady)
DRACO: If I'm going to win this Head-Boy election, I've got to have a strong campaign platform. Something like, "End House Elf slavery.
Everyone gaped at the screen. Could it be?
Begin Muggle and Mudblood slavery."
Ah, looks like that's a no. Everyone in the room looked weirdly relieved (how were they supposed to deal with a nice Malfoy?) and also angry because well. Malfoy.
Something inspiring like that. Goyle, Candy Lady, how are those campaign posters going? A candidate is only as good as his placards. Goyle? (Goyle holds up a picture of an owl he drew. It's okay.)
"Wow," Luna said brightly. "That's really nice!"
GOYLE: I drew an old, majestic owl.
DRACO: Hm. Yes. It's a fine rendering. But it has very little to do with me…or the election. Perhaps maybe if you had a speech bubble coming out of the owl's mouth that said, "Vote for Malfoy. He's a hoot!"
"Oh, that's good, too!" Luna said.
GOYLE: (Goyle rubs his chin and considers this) Hm. I don't think the owl would say that. (Draco, Goyle, and The Candy Lady walk off. Harry and Ron enter in the middle of a conversation. Ron holds a rolled up poster)
RON: And sometimes I feel like maybe Hermione doesn't wanna kiss me because—oh my god. Do you—do you think she likes someone else?
"Doubt it," Harry whispered to Neville. They both looked sideways at their friends, who were flushing. Harry grinned suddenly, and then said louder, "D'you think Cormac McLaggen is in this?"
"Oh dear," Hermione said. "I hope not."
Ron looked strangely pleased by this. Ron, you have a girlfriend, you need to stop that.
HARRY: I don't know. Maybe she, uh, maybe she likes Fluffy.
"What?"
They'd be a good couple, cause they're both dogs! (Harry holds up his hand for a high five) HO!
"Did he just call me a bitch without calling me a bitch?"
"I think he so."
"Harry James Potter, if I ever hear that word come out of your mouth—"
"Yes, I know."
RON: (Ron half-heartily laughs and gives a reluctant high-five) Haha. Haha.
HARRY: Woof.
RON: You know, I'm just worried cause she hasn't been hanging out around us lately. And she's so busy with those stupid books.
HARRY: Well, she better remember to do my potions essay cause it's due tomorrow.
"Like the first musical!"
(Harry finds a good looking spot of a back wall) Hey, this looks like a good spot! Right here. This would be a really good spot. Got that campaign poster?
RON: Right here.
HARRY: Great. Alright, so the rules of the election are that you can only run positive campaigns. That's why no one's gonna be expecting this. (Ron places the poster on the wall.)
"Holy fuck," Sirius said. There's complete silence for a single second before everyone burst into peals of laughter.
HARRY: Good work Mr. Campaign Manager. Now let's see who votes for Malfoy. (Harry and Ron give each other a high-five. Harry spots Lavender and Pansy who enter giggling.He approaches the girls, laughing.)
HARRY: Hey, what are guys laughing at?
PANSY: This. Hehe. (Pansy shows Harry a "Potter Stinks" button)
HARRY: Wait, what, hold on what are you laughing at? "Potter Stinks".
"Ooh yeah, I'm sooo offended," Harry rolled his eyes.
Haha, that's—wait a second. Hey, that's not funny at all! No. Wait, Lavender, where'd you get that button?
LAVENDAR: Someone's just passing them out to everyone in school.
HARRY: WHO!? (Harry grabs Lavender's arm; Lavender starts crying and runs off)TELL ME!
PANSY: Ugh. That was really mean Harry. You stink. And not just cause of your toots. (Pansy exits)
They haven't even calmed down from the campaign poster, give these poor guys a break. Their sides hurt.
HARRY: What?! Who made that pin?! …RON! Do I smell like toots!? Well, do I?!
RON: No, no no. No, no. No. (Ron embraces Harry)
HARRY: Well, then why is everyone saying I stink!? Who's responsible for this!? (Draco, Goyle and the Candy Lady enter. Draco stands behind Harry and reads Harry's sign)
DRACO: Hm. "Malfoy is a snobbish, racist, elitist brat." Hm. Sums up my entire campaign perfectly! Who's responsible for this beautiful placard? Goyle, is that yours? (Goyle nods)
"Typical Malfoy," Ron muttered.
HARRY: Malfoy! You must be behind all this "Potter Stinks" crap. (he advances on Draco)
DRACO: Hey!
Harry: Get rid of the buttons, Malfoy, or I'll kick you off my street team. Then we'll see who checks your Tumblr.
"Tumbler?" Malfoy's eyebrows furrowed together.
"Blogging website," Ginny said, checking the paper.
DRACO: Harry, I'd never make up a rumor about you. I treasure our friendship. Don't you remember all those times at school when we—
NARRATOR: As Draco speaks, the lights dim and his voice fades away;in it's place, Harry can hear an eerie Mysterious Voice that echoes from somewhere in thedistance.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: SSsssss…ssssnaaaake. I'm a sssssnaaaaake. Oh, where'd my arms go jussst kidding I'm a ssssnaaake.
No seriously, give the kids a break. It hasn't been that long since the toots thing. Let them get their breathing back under control.
HARRY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you guys hear that?
DRACO: Hear what?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I'm gonna get sssso many of you ssstupid humans now that I'm free. None of you can even hear me…oh, theressss one. Take thissssssss.
"Wait," Ginny sobered up suddenly. "Is this the basilisk?"
(Suddenly a voice can be heard screaming from offstage)
VOICE: AHHHHH!
DRACO: What the devil was that!?
HARRY: It came from down there! Come on!
NARRATOR: Harry and Draco run off to investigate. Ron, Goyle, and the Candy Lady follow. The gang eventually run into Colin Creevey, who stands motionless in the center of the stage. Ginny stands there, her hands covered in blood. On the wall behind her is a message written in blood.
"Oh," Ginny said in a small voice. Everyone except the resident Slytherins looked concerned.
HARRY: Ginny? (Ginny snaps out of what appears to be a trance, looks down at herself, shocked, and runs off; Harry approaches Colin) Hey Colin! Are you okay little buddy? (Colin doesn't respond)
RON: (Ron points to the message) Wha—wha—wha—wha—what is that!?
DRACO: (Draco reads the message aloud) "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware." Huh. That's quite good. Now just add, "You're next Mudbloods. Vote for Malfoy." (McGonagall and the rest of the Hogwarts kids enter, with the exception ofHermione)
"Of course," Ron said, glaring at Malfoy, who stubbornly avoided looking in the giant couch's direction.
MCGONAGALL: What's going on in here?
HARRY: Listen Proffessor, I'm not lying this time; this was all like this when I got here!
LUNA: Oh boy! Is Colin dead?!
Luna frowned, not enjoying how lightly her character was taking death.
MCGONAGALL: No, he's still alive, but he appears to be petrified.
CHO: What does that mean Professor?
MCGONAGALL: Just what the note says, Miss Chang. The Chamber of Secrets has been opened.
NEVILLE: Professor, what is the Ch—Ch—Chamber of Secrets?
MCGONAGALL: A hidden dungeon somewhere inside Hogwarts; built by Salazar Slytherin himself. The legend goes that one day, Slytherin's heir, would use parseltongue, snake language, to open the Chamber and unleash…a monster.
KIDS: (impressed) OooooOOOooo! Cool!
"No!" Harry waved his arms around. Neville and Ron ducked to avoid getting hit. "Not cool! Not cool at all!"
MCGONAGALL: No, no, no! Not cool! Everyone, off to your dormitories! I'm taking Mr. Creevey to the infirmary. (everyone exits but Ron and Harry)
RON: Whoa Harry, this can't be good. The Chamber of Secrets monster?
HARRY: You're right, Ron, you're very right. This isn't good at all…it's great!
"Come on!" Harry shouted.
RON: Huh?
HARRY: Don't you get it Ron! All I have to do is save the school again! Then everyone's gonna forget about this "Potter Stinks" crap! And I'll win the Head Boy election and prove that Harry Potter is still the number one wizard in the world!
RON: Awesome! Where do you wanna start?
HARRY: (Harry looks confused) Wait, wait, what? You want me to help? I figured you could just get this one, Mr. Campaign Manager.
Harry buried his face in his hands. "Why. Just. Why."
You got it! Besides, I can't help right now, I got a date with Cho Chang!
"Musical me's life is over," Harry said, voice muffled by the hands still covering his face.
Lalalalalala… (Harry walks off singing the Smurfs tune)
"Is anyone else hearing the Smurfs song? Just me? Yes? No?" Hermione looked around.
"No, yeah, I hear it, too," Harry nodded.
"Smurfs?" Several people said at the same time.
Harry and Hermione shared a look. "Wizards," they muttered together. "So uncultured."
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