hi, i'm back. this chapter is unedited, as per usual. thanks for all the reviews/favorites/follows!

disclaimer: okay, so apparently in the last chapter i made a joke about my old next gen time travel fic being cursed child and lol how funny would that be? and now here we are. with the (probably (hopefully) fake) plot summary of cursed child that is literally every single shitty 2011 hp fanfic trope thrown into one giant clusterfuck. un-fucking-real. anyways, if i owned hp rose granger-weasley would be a ravenclaw. i'm still holding out for that.

ACT 1

SCENE 6 - WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY HOME

NARRATOR: Lights up on the Girl's Bathroom; Ginny furiously tries to wash the blood from her hands in the sink.

"Oh," Ginny said, sinking down into her seat. Her friends shot her concerned glances.

GINNY: Ewww. How did all this blood get all over my hands anyway? (Luna enters)

LUNA: Hey Ginny! You washing blood off your hands too? (Luna's hands are also bloody; she begins to half-heartedly rinse them)

Luna blinked, "I—what?"

"Um," Ginny checked the paper. "The official script apparently includes a line where you say you had a front row seat to Buckbeak's execution."

"What?!" Harry twisted in his seat to glare at the paper. Luna's face scrunched up in distaste.

GINNY: No!

"Wizards and witches don't usually smoke cigarettes," Luna said, frowning at her character. "And personally, I wouldn't."

Hermione nodded, "Yes, I think it's more a Muggle thing, though I believe some magical folk do smoke."

"I used to smoke a bit," Sirius volunteered. "Uh, obviously before Azkaban. I don't anymore."

Remus made a face. "He had a habit of smoking in the dorm. I still don't understand how you smuggled in Muggle cigarettes. McGonagall is very strict about students and smoking."

"As she should be," Hermione said.

LUNA: Hey, did you hear about the Chamber of Secrets being opened? How exciting! Well, see ya! (she exits)

"I'm not sure I particularly like myself in this musical," Luna said. "She makes a wonderful parody, though."

GINNY: Chamber of Secrets opened? Hands covered in blood? Message written in blood? Wait a second…I must be having a—nope! I lost it. Oh Ginny, you think too much. Diary time! (she takes Tom Riddle's Diary out and begins to write in it once more)

Ginny sighed.

GINNY: Okay. Dear Diary! I need some help. Something weird is happening. Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?

TOM RIDDLE: Maybe…

GINNY: Can you tell me about it? Or show me, in another…

TOM & GINNY: Magic flashback…

"Here we go," Malfoy muttered.

NARRATOR: Another Magical Flashback begins; lights go down on Ginny and come up on Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey, who stand in a Hallway looking down at a young girl's dead body.

MADAM POMFREY: I'm sorry, Headmaster, I've done everything I could, but I'm afraid…she's dead.

"Is that Myrtle?"

"Yep."

DUMBLEDORE: Ah, fuck.

MADAM POMFREY: Do you think it's true what the children are saying? That this is the work of the monster of the Chamber of Secrets?

DUMBLEDORE: Let's not jump to any conclusions, Madam Pom-Pom.

Sirius burst into giggles. The tips of Remus's ears turned pink.

"Moony. Do you remember—" Sirius didn't get to finish before Remus kicked him.

"We don't talk about it."

"Talk about what?" Harry looked confused. "Did he call Madam Pomfrey that?"

"Once," Remus said, immediately betraying his 'we don't talk about it' rule. Okay, Remus, whatever. "after a particularly bad full moon. I was a bit out of it."

"Your dad and I were there under the Invisibility Cloak," Sirius grinned. "Saw the whole thing."

"How did she react?" George asked.

"Was she mad? Did she yell at you?" Fred asked.

"She was very nice about it, actually," Remus said thoughtfully. Fred and George both 'aw'ed.

"Uh, yeah," Sirius said with a 'duh' hand motion. "You were really roughed up after that full moon."

"Weren't you there to help him?" Hermione questioned. "In your Animagus forms, I mean?"

"This was before we had learned the transformation," Sirius explained.

Hermione nodded, and they moved on.

We keep a lot of killer monsters in this school. This one might not have been from the Chamber of Secrets…at least I hope not. (just then Tom Riddle enters, flanked by a gang of his cronies, including Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix)

Malfoy buried his face in his hands. A muffled "why" could just barely be heard.

"I'm going to need people to do that for me when I walk into a room, please," Sirius said.

TOM RIDDLE: Cool... Professor Dumbledore, you wanted to see me?

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, Tom, just one second, please. (he turns to Madam Pomfrey, Tom turns to his goons)

TOM RIDDLE: Alright, slaves. See you later? At the club meeting?

A louder "why" came from Malfoy's direction.

LUCIUS: Sure thing, Tom.

TOM RIDDLE: Malloy,

Malfoy, quietly, from behind his hands: "I give up."

how many times do I have to tell you to call me…

LUCIUS: My Dark King, right right.

Harry snorted. Very attractive.

Okay, that was meant to be sarcastic, but actually? Harry Potter is an awkward dork, but he's also like there's no way he isn't constantly making unattractive things attractive. In the future, there's at least seven Witch Weekly articles with pictures of Hot Dad™ Harry Potter sneezing, accompanied by blurbs about how absolutely unfair it is that awkward Hot Dad™ Harry Potter can make anything look good. (AKA, Ginny Weasley's thought process after witnessing Harry snort.)

TOM RIDDLE: Thank you. That wasn't so hard, was it? I mean, I remember your name. Now scram! (Lucius and the others exit)

DUMBLEDORE: Well, Pom-Pom, I guess you can just take this poor girl down to the kitchen and feed her to the house elves. (Madam Pomfrey begins to wheel the dead girl out of the room) Actually, wait. Just give me a second, I wanna try this thing one last time. (from his robes, Dumbledore removes a small, magical-looking stone; he waves it over the girl's body, but nothing happens)Come on, fucking work! Come on! Worst Deathly Hallow ever. (Madame Pomfrey takes the dead body away)

Dumbledore did a full-body flinch, but no one noticed except for Snape. They shared a look. Interpret that as you will.

TOM RIDDLE: What is that?

DUMBLEDORE: Oh this? (Dumbledore holds up the magic rock) It's just the Resurrection Stone; supposed to bring people back from the dead, but I, uh. Yeah. Yeah.

"What is happening in the background?"
"I don't know, but it's hilarious."

"Ah, Myrtle."

It's supposed to bring people back from the dead, but I can't really get it to work.

TOM RIDDLE: Stone? That brings people back from the dead? I want that. (Tom reaches for the Resurrection Stone but Dumbledore quickly retracts it and puts it in his pocket)

DUMBLEDORE: Hey, hey, hey! Hands off you little scamp! This is going back in my office where it belongs. And speaking of little miss dead-pants. You wouldn't happen to have anything to with her death, Tom, would ya?

"Yes," the Trio said in unison. Neville shot them a startled look. You're right, Neville, that was creepy.

TOM RIDDLE: I don't tink so. Mhuhahaha!

Harry snorted again. Please see the above Ginny Weasley thought process.

DUMBLEDORE: Cause I heard from Slughorn that you we're asking about the Chamber of Secrets. A lot of people are saying I should kick you out of school.

TOM RIDDLE: How dare they speak that way of the Dark King?

"Literally just shut up," Harry grumbled.

DUMBLEDORE: That might have something to do with it. All this Dark magic stuff. This little club of yours that follows you around, what's it called?

TOM RIDDLE: The He-man Woman Haters.

Hermione and Ginny accidentally elbowed each other as they shifted indignantly and huffed in displeasure.

But we're thinking about changing the name.

"Good."

DUMBLEDORE: You're creeping people out, Tom. I know you got a lot of fifth-year angst going on,

"Is that a jab at me? It feels like a jab at me," Harry said. "I was justified in my emotions fifth year, a lot happened."

but we gotta get to the root of what makes you so unhappy.

TOM RIDDLE: Uhhhh. I don't like this.

DUMBLEDORE: What, you don't ever talk about your feelings?

TOM RIDDLE: Well, I do, to my journal!

Someone whispered, "Diary." Someone else snickered.

But that's top secret!

DUMBLEDORE: Well, just pretend I'm your journal for a second. What fills you with so much rage?

TOM RIDDLE: Uhhhh, okay, um. Well…I hate all the normal things; muggles, mudbloods, the Ghostbusters.

"Um," Hermione said.

"Um," Harry said.

"What," the wizards said.

Remus sighed. "Ghostbusters was a film released in the 80s about a group of people who hunted ghosts. They were called the Ghostbusters."

"Oh," the wizards, said.

But, uh, there's some weird things, too, like...Snickers.

"Like…the candy bar?" Harry asked.

"Maybe?" Hermione said. "Why would he hate Snickers, though?"

"It's Voldemort."

"True."

DUMBLEDORE: Oh…you mean when people laugh at you?

"Oh, well, I suppose that makes sense, too."

TOM RIDDLE: No. I like to make people laugh! What I hate is Snickers. You know, the bar.

"I was right!" Harry said. Then, "I was right? What? Why the hell does Voldemort hate Snickers? I mean, I know I said he's Voldemort, and I guess you could argue that that's reason enough, but why? What have Snickers ever done to him?"

"Harry, it's not that big of a deal. Please calm down."

"Yeah, okay."

DUMBLEDORE:The candy bar?

TOM RIDDLE: Yeah.

DUMBLEDORE: The chocolate treat?

TOM RIDDLE: Yes...Snickers.

DUMBLEDORE: What, you don't like chocolate?

TOM RIDDLE: Of course I like chocolate.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, you don't like nuts?

TOM RIDDLE: I love nuts!

DUMBLEDORE: Wait, then what don't you like?

TOM RIDDLE: I DON'T LIKE SNICKERS!

"I don't understand!"

DUMBLEDORE: Listen Tom, I think I know exactly what you're going through.

TOM RIDDLE: I don't think you do!

DUMBLEDORE: You feel anxious. Confused. You have funny thoughts about your guy friends that upset you, so you take it out on the rest of the world. My family never really excepted me—

"I think, if anything," Harry said, "Riddle's family would be less accepting of his use of the Dark Arts than his sexual orientation."

TOM RIDDLE: At least you had a family! (Tom immediately weeps uncontrollably. He collapses to the ground.)

"Oh no."

DUMBLEDORE: There, there Tom. There, there. (Dumbledore puts a hand on Tom's shoulder) How were you ever supposed to learn how to love, when you had nobody there to teach you? Well, I got good news for you, Tom. I'm suspending you.

TOM RIDDLE: But that's not good news.

DUMBLEDORE: I'm suspending you so you can take a little vacation to Little Hangleton. You're gonna spend this Christmas with a very special family there…the Riddles.

"Are we going to watch them die?" Harry looked miserable. "No, thank you."

TOM RIDDLE: What?

DUMBLEDORE: I found your dad, Tom. His name is Tom too. Tom Riddle Senior.

TOM RIDDLE: Tom Riddle Senior? That makes me Tom Riddle Junior. Little Tommy Junior!

DUMBLEDORE: He lives with your grandmother and your grandfather.

TOM RIDDLE: What kind of wizards are they?!

"Oh no."

I always dreamed that my daddy would be something incredible! Like a Fiendfyre Fighter!

"Those don't exist."

Or a magical astronaut!

"Neither do those."

Or a ballerina!

DUMBLEDORE: Tom, it doesn't matter what kind of wizards they are. If you want them to accept you, you have got to accept them.

TOM RIDDLE: You're right. I'll accept whatever kind of wizards they are; just so long as they are wizards.

"Oh no."

DUMBLEDORE: So pack your bags, boy, 'cause you're leaving right away!

TOM RIDDLE: Wait, but I can't leave now. I've got a club meeting with my slaves. We're voting on a new name!

"Yeah, let them do that first," Hermione said.

"Just real quick," Ginny nodded in agreement.

DUMBLEDORE: Forget the name!

"Damn."

Now is your chance to find a new path. Maybe you're not supposed to live your life consumed by darkness.

TOM RIDDLE: But that's all I know.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, it's time to go out there and learn something new. Something you can't learn in a classroom. Tom, it's time to go home.

TOM RIDDLE: You're right…uh…you're right!

DUMBLEDORE: Hey, good luck, boy. You know there are only a couple of things in life that I love, and one of them is you.

"That's sweet," Luna said. "But a bit creepy."

TOM RIDDLE: Thanks Dumbledore! (Tom grabs a suitcase, and heads off; Lucius and Bellatrix appear and call after him)

LUCIUS: Tom! My king! You can't leave! You're gonna miss the meeting!

BELLATRIX: Where are you going!?

TOM RIDDLE: I'm going home! (Tom runs and dances as Clark Baxtresser sings a beautiful song about going home.)

"I don't know how to feel about this scene."

"Who was singing? Do we know who was singing?"

"No, it's some guy named Clark. He doesn't have any speaking roles, I guess."

"Why doesn't he like Snickers? I know he's a Dark Lord or whatever, but that's no excuse."

"Harry, just drop the Snickers thing, it doesn't matter."

"But what if it ends up being the key to defeating—okay, yeah, I need to drop it. Guys, I think this musical is getting to me."

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