Disclaimer: Don't own...takes breath...POTC, Carrie Underwood, Dollar Tree, Taylor Swift, Harry Potter, Nickelback, Barney, Hannah Montana, George Lucas, Forrest Gump, Xena: Warrior Princess or anyone else I've made fun of and forgotten to mention...
"But we've got to save Will!" Elizabeth said to Governor Swann.
"No, you're safe. We will go to Port Royal-"
"WAAAAAAAAAAH!" Abigail cried. "Willy-kins!"
"Oh dear…um…girl, don't cry. It's just that-"
"As a wedding present!" Elizabeth said desperately. "To me, Commodore."
"Elizabeth, does this mean you're accepting the Commodore's proposal?" Governor Swann asked.
"Then, I get Willy-kins! Yes!"
"Oh, a wedding? Two weddings?" Jack said. "I love weddings! Drinks all around!"
"Oh! Jack, will you be Will's first man? Rose can be my bridesmaid!"
"Mr. Sparrow , you will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with the bearing to Isla de Muerta . You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase 'silent as the grave'. Do I make myself clear?" Norrington asked.
"You're mean!" Abigail said. "AVADA KEDRAVA!"
Everyone blinked at the girl as if she'd grown another head. "Is…is that Latin?" Norrington asked.
"No! It's Harry Potter!"
Out of her purse, Abigail drew a replica Harry Potter wand! Duh, duh, duh, dum! Abigail paused. "I really need to change my ringtone."
ILOVEJACKILOVEJACKILOVEJACK
Jack, Norrington, and a crying Abigail (Norrington had taken her wand after she stabbed him in the eye by accident) entered a tiny boat. "I don't care for the situation much," Norrington commented. "We could be ambushed."
"Not if you're the one doing the ambushing. I go in, I convince Barbossa to send his men out with their little boats. You and your mates return to the Dauntless and blast the bejesus outta them with your little cannons, eh?" Jack asked. "What do you have to lose?"
"I'm coming, too! I have to save Rose!"
"Rose?" Norington asked. "Your friend…Lady Hotness? She betrayed you for a plate of cookies!"
"They were CHOCOLATE! Do you not know anything about teenagers?"
"Oh..well…"
"Now," Jack said. "There is the issue of Mrs. Commodore's safety."
ILOVEJACKILOVEJACKILOVEJACK
The pirates marched Will out, and Rose skipped beside him, humming happily. "So…slitting his throat is kind of yucky, isn't it?" she asked the pirate next to her.
"Um..I guess."
"Beg your pardon," Jack said as he and Abigail moved through the crowd.
"Jack!" Will cried.
"Abigail!"
"It's not possible!" Barbossa said.
"Not probable," Abigail said.
"Aye!" Jack said.
"Where's Elizabeth?" Will asked.
"Oh, she's safe as I promised. She's going to marry Norrington as she promised. You're going to die for her just like you promised. Abigail drove you insane just like she promised, and Rose gets to be the bridesmaid to your wedding…assuming you survive, just like Abigail promised her in third grade. So…we're all men of our word, except for Elizabeth and them, who are, in fact, women."
Jack paused and took a deep breath. "Okay."
"Shut-up, you two are next!"
"Okay…your funeral…"
"Oh, oh, oh, take that!" Abigail said.
"Just hear me out, mate. You order your men to row out to the Dauntless. They do what they do best. Robert's your Uncle, Fannie's your Aunt, there you are with two ships. The makings of your very own fleet. Course you'll take the grandest as your flagship, and who's to argue? But what of the Pearl ? Name me Captain, I'll sail under your colors, I'll give you ten percent of me plunder and you get to introduce yourself as Commodore Barbossa. Savvy?" Jack asked.
"And I suppose in return you don't want me to kill the whelps?"
"Oh no, by all means kill the whelps…okay, maybe not the girls. They're kind of funny."
"Okay," Barbossa said. "The girls can stay."
"Yes!" the girls said, high fiving. "No killing here tonight, no killing here tonight-"
"No killing here to night; you're on a diet!" Abigail said. "Oh, and Will, if you see a dark tunnel with a light at the end…stay AWAY from the light!"
"You've been planning this form the beginning ever since you heard my name!"
"Duh!" Rose said. "Well, I TRIED to tell you to watch the negotitations!"
"You betrayed me for a plate of cookies!"
Rose pouted. "But it was chocolate chip with the little sprinkles..."
Abigail looked back and forth between her future groom and her best friend. "Gents, take a walk!" Barbossa said evilly.
"Hey! Be nice, Willy-kins!" Abigail said. "Everybody makes mistakes... Everybody has those days... 1 2 3 4! Everybody makes mistakes... Everybody has those days... Everybody knows what what I'm talkin' 'bout... Everybody gets that way."
Poor Will was forced to listen to three more songs by teen pop singing sensation Hannah Montana being sung by teen pop singing horror Abby Kentucky. At least they aren't crazy pirate parodies, Will thought.
Abigail laughed. "Dear, Willy-kins, we're waiting until the very end for that…"
"Well, Jack, I thought I had ye all figured out," Barbossa said.
"Me? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly… stupid."
Jack kicked a pile of treasure, knocking swords into the waiting hands of Rose, Abigail, and Will before he began to fight Barbossa. "For my cell phone!!!"
"For Elizabeth!"
"For rum!"
"For Chex Mix!"
"Jack, I love you!"
Everyone paused abruptly and looked at Jack who nodded sagely and said, "I know."
"Wait a minute!"
Abigail began to Google search with her cell phone. "Hey! You stole that from George Lucas!"
"So…you stole from…Harry Potter!"
"You stole from Justin Timberlake!"
"You stole from Carrie Underwood!"
"You stole from Taylor Swift!"
"Help!"
"Will, stop screaming like a little girl! So what if you just got stabbed!" Rose yelled.
"Ah! Will!" Rose screamed, ramming into a pirate. "Stay away from my fiancé!"
"I'm not your fiancé!"
"Help Will save Jack!" Abigail yelled.
Suddenly, a pistol shot was heard, and the girls knew, from watching the movie hundreds of times, that the curse was lifted. It was over.
ILOVEJACKILOVEJACKILOVEJACK
Jack stood with the noose around his neck as an official read: "Jack Sparrow-"
"CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!" Rose, Abigail, and Jack said.
"-for your willful commission of crimes against the crown. Said crimes being numerous in quantity and sinister in nature, the most egregious of these to be cited herewith: piracy, smuggling-"
"What kind of word is 'herewith'?" Abigail whispered.
"-impersonating an officer of the Spanish Royal Navy, impersonating a cleric of the Church of England-"
"What kind of question is that?"
"Come on, no one says 'herewith'!"
"He just did!"
"-sailing under false colors, arson, kidnapping, looting, poaching, brigandage, pilfering, depravity, depredation, and general lawlessness. And for these crimes you have been sentenced to be, on this day, hung by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on your soul."
"Get out of the way!" Will ran forward, throwing his sword under Jack's feet.
Abigail leapt up and cut him free, and she, Rose, Will, and Jack ran to the top of the tower where they were cornered by Norrington's men. "I expected something like this from the girls," Norrington said.
Rose yelled, "Lalolololo!"
"Huh?" everyone asked.
"Wait...oh, I get it."
A parrot flew overhead, and Jack said, "You shall always remember this as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!"
He jumped, and Rose leapt onto the ledge. "You will always remember this as the day you almost caught the Queen Hotness, Xena, Warrior Princess!"
Abigail leaned over the ledge as Rose disappeared beneath the waves. Everyone looked at her expectantly. "What? I'm not jumping in there! I might catch hypothermia! I'm the smart one!"
I hope you had fun reading this. I had fun writing it, and I enjoyed your reveiws, but, before I click the 'complete' button, I must give you a preveiw of the sequal- two more movies to go!
Teens of the Caribbean: Sparkly Sequined Chest
Rose and Abigail never worried about how to get home- until now. Now, the only way out is to complete the Pirates quest and discover the Sprakly Sequined Chest. Questions will finally be answered: does Happy Bunny really exist? Will Will go insane? How many copyrights can I violate? Find out in the next chapter of the epic legacy of Teens of the Caribbean: Coming soon to a computer near you.