Chapter 8
Days passed and the bliss began to wear off. I began to wonder whether I would really see him again or not, but I refused to admit the possibility of him forgetting me all over again.
That would be too painful.
I know it's silly, but the days following my meeting with L were practically lived in a day-dream. I couldn't help it. Every spare second I had, I was staring far off into space pretending that I was in some imaginary world where Kira didn't exist and there was only L and myself.
But now I feel guilty. What about Darrel? Had he really meant so little to me that I could so simply throw away the memory of him for that of L? I truly thought that I had been in love with him. That was why I agreed to marry him. I wanted to love someone who loved me in return and Darrel gave me that opportunity. Now he was gone and I didn't even have the thing I had really wanted.
I didn't even have L. He hadn't even told me that he loved me. He said he wasn't sure about how he felt about me. At the time, it was the most wonderful thing I had ever heard him say since a second before that, we were strangers. But now… it seemed to me as though he were attempting to let me down easily.
If L won't love me, I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably give up all together. I've spent my entire life looking for him, now that I've found him, I can't have him. How unfair is that?
The way he kissed me really toyed with my emotions. He had been so unsure of himself. He hesitated with every move as if he were contemplating his actions and my reactions.
I know that he was trying to decide for himself how he felt for me and kissing me apparently didn't give him the affect he wanted because afterwards he was still unsure.
But what if he decided against me? He'd make up some lame excuse about it being too dangerous for me with him being L and that it was nearly impossible for us to have a happy ending, but I was willing to take that small chance at happiness all for him.
How corny did that sound? I knew I could never tell him this, he would think I was insane like he always did when I let my emotions guide my thoughts rather than my brain. That's what he was trying to do now. Let his brain decide what his emotions know best, that's why he hasn't come up with an answer yet. Logic won't tell him if he loves me or not and that was where he was looking for all the answers these days.
I tried to imagine him saying he loved me, but the more times I imagined it, the more ridiculous it seemed. Not only the thought of him loving me seemed unlikely, but the scenario seemed very out of character. I never heard L saying he loved anything, let alone a person, even as kids, he always "really enjoyed" things or "liked a lot", not exactly the kind of thing one tells a girl who admitted to loving you "I enjoy you" that's the most ridiculous line ever!
But it seems that I "enjoy" L far more than he ever could to me. I have to admit, I'm nothing special at all, really. Black hair down to my waist, blue eyes, pretty much an average girl you could find walking down any street and L was so… different.
Everything about him was mysterious and attractive, although he didn't play this up as much as he could so not many people noticed him. the way he sat made you wonder what led him to do that, his sweet-tooth made you wonder what about it he liked so much and the way he talked… that was my favorite thing about him.
Everything he said was straightforward although usually complicated and the annoyed look he got when forced to explain multiple times or whenever he was interrupted was talking was adorable. His deep, emotionless voice made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. His voice never betrayed his emotions, always provoking wonderings of what he was really feeling, not what he was thinking, but to him, they were the same thing.
But it seemed, as always, I would always "enjoy" him more than he "enjoyed" me.