I seem to have a slight'fix Paraguay'obsession. That and song ficsNot quite sure why! I hope you enjoy this tho
Beautiful song is called 'People Change' and is by Rockapella.
HARM
There was no other way to say it. Harm was in hell. He'd gone there instead of going to Paraguay. That was the only way to explain what had happened over the past few months: The trial, Mac dismissing him from her life with no real explanation, life with the CIA, being dropped by the CIA for fulfilling a mission but inadvertently ending up on the evening news. Surely this wasn't really the way his life had panned out. No contact with his friends, no job, no Mac. He sighed softly to himself, a wave of homesickness for JAG washing over him, just as it had been doing frequently since he got back home. I really could do with a drink, he thought, wondering where to go. He was tired of sitting in his apartment, there were too many reminders of his old life there. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to take down the photos of him and Mac and the others which were scattered in frames around the loft. He got slowly to his feet, pulled on a jacket and headed out the door and down to his car. He drove as if on auto-pilot, not really knowing where he was headed.
Twenty five minutes later, he found himself pulling up at a surprising destination. He turned off the engine, and sat, staring at the building nervously. He could hear laughter and music floating out towards him, and the nerves increased tenfold. She could be in there. He thought, They all could. He glanced at his watch. 6:30pm. They probably all would have left by now. Harm looked around. He didn't recognise any of the cars so he bit the bullet and climbed out of the car, moving slowly towards the building. Opening the door, he was assaulted by a wave of memories and almost turned back. He grit his teeth and walked in, letting the music wash over him. He wandered up to the bar and ordered himself a beer from one of the regular barmaids who smiled at him in recognition.
"I haven't seen you in here for a while Commander." She said cheerfully. He managed a wan smile.
"I've been pretty busy Tina." He replied, ignoring the free bar stool next to him. He just wanted to get his beer and sit in the corner. He really wasn't in the mood for small talk.
"The rest of your friends were in the other day." Tina continued, not seeming to catch the 'leave me alone' vibe he was sending off.
"I haven't seen them for a while." Harm replied sadly, not really noticing the look of surprise on her face. "Thanks" he added, picking up the beer and putting the money on the bar, before moving away quickly to an empty table in the corner.
MAC
Mac looked up at the knock on her door to see Sturgis standing in the doorway.
"Are you ready Mac?" he asked with a warm smile.
"For what?" she asked, confused. What have I forgotten now? She wondered. She would be the first to admit that she had been a little all over the place since Paraguay. She missed Harm desperately, but at the same time was so mad at him. Why couldn't he ever fight for her? She just wanted to know he was all right, but if anyone had heard from him, they weren't telling her, and she couldn't help but wonder if they all didn't blame her a bit for Harm's absence from JAG.
"We're all going to McMurphy's for drinks remember?" Sturgis replied, "To celebrate Tiner getting into Law School?" Mac sighed. She wasn't feeling very sociable, and McMurphy's tended to bring back a million and one memories of Harm. They had had some fun evenings there.
"I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it." She lied quickly, looking down at the pile of folders on her desk. "I really have to get all of this done." Sturgis regarded her thoughtfully, then stepped into her office properly and closed the door behind him.
"What's wrong?" he asked softly, sitting down in the seat opposite her, amused by the look of surprise that rushed across her face at his question.
"Nothing." She replied automatically, the slightly vulnerable expression on her face giving way to a firm mask of non-emotion. "I'm fine Sturgis, I'm just really busy."
"Bullshit." Mac blinked at him. It was so unlike Sturgis to swear, even slightly. His expression softened as did his tone as he continued, "Mac, I know something's bothering you. You can't keep shutting us out. Is it Harm?"
"Nothing's wrong." She insisted stubbornly, not knowing that Sturgis had noticed her mask slip slightly at the mention of Harm's name.
"Mac, none of that is urgent and you know it." Sturgis continued just as stubbornly. "Besides, Admiral's orders." He added, pulling out his trump card. "Everybody has to be there." Mac rolled her eyes at him.
"Fine." She said, getting to her feet and pulling her jacket on. "Let's go." She stalked past Sturgis and went to open the door when she felt his hand on her arm.
"You know if you want to talk, I'm here." He said softly before she could turn around. Mac froze, fighting desperately at the tears that had suddenly welled up in her eyes. Blinking a couple of times, she replied, just as quietly,
"Thanks." and then carried on out of the door as if nothing had happened.
McMURPHY'S BAR
Harm didn't notice the group come in. He was sat with his back to the door, staring morosely into his nearly empty pint glass. When did my life become such a mess.He wondered. How did it all come to this.Before the mess with Singer and Paraguay, he had been sure that he and Mac had been moving slowly towards something more. Then Paraguay had happened and she had dashed all of his hopes with one sentence. Hell, with one word really. He really didn't understand her. How could she have said that, but then gone and left so many messages on my answering machine sounding like she cared. She clearly doesn't. I wish I didn't love her so much .He looked up suddenly, convinced that he had heard her laughing somewhere behind him. He glanced warily around the bar and was relieved to see no-one who looked like Sarah McKenzie. The jukebox opposite the bar caught his eye, and he hauled himself to his feet and wandered over to it, studying the 'menu' intently.
At that moment, Mac was actually sat in one of the booths around the corner from the door, surrounded by the rest of the JAG team. Bud was busy reciting a story about little A.J to her, and she was listening in amusement, enjoying the feeling of simple pleasure that she felt when she thought about her godson was over her and take her mind of her problems, even for just a second. Sturgis was sat next to her calmly. Since they had left Headquarters, he had almost constantly been at her side, almost like a mother hen, as if he was afraid that she would run away the moment his back was turned. As she listened to Bud, her eye was caught by the very familiar looking worn leather flight jacket on the guy standing by the jukebox. Her heart all but stopped beating as she watched him unplug the jukebox, and plug it back in, resetting the playlist so his song would come up first. As the first notes started to play out, she felt Bud's hand on her arm.
"Ma'am?" he said softly, turning round to see what had caught her eye, "Ma'am?" he repeated, just as his eye fell on the object of Mac's attention. His eyes widened in recognition, and he continued, "Mac, is that Comma...Harm?"
Didn't hear a tone, are you, hello
I never hear a tone, I guess you know
I can't remember what I called to say
I thought you might be home on Saturday
I really can't believe it's been a year
It took a little time without you here
I'm guessing you survived alone somehow
It's good that I can joke about it now
I still avoid the park at Christopher
Never wanna feel the way we were
Unless I'm in a hurry for that train
And that's the only newsstand open late
Almost on autopilot, Mac shook off Bud's hand and slid out of the booth, when she heard Bud's jovial voice call over the music, "Harm!" she stopped; stood stock still as her traitorous legs refused to do anything but stay where she was. She stood, silently, praying that he wouldn't hear Bud's shout over the music.
People change (people change) everyday (everyday)
Change like you (change like you)
I got all the time in the world
Unfortunately for Mac, Lady Luck wasn't with her that night, and Harm turned around slowly at the sound of his name, his eyes widening when he saw her standing there, barely noticing Bud's smiling face beside her.
"Mac." He whispered, staring at the beautiful woman in front of him with a look of shock on his face. He was frozen. Memories from the Taxi stand in Ciudad del Este began assaulting him, the word 'never' reverberating around his mind. From across the room, he could see she was fighting a similar battle, and a small flash of hope lodged itself in his heart. His reverie was suddenly broken by Bud's smiling face.
"Harm!" he repeated, getting to his feet and moving over to greet his old friend and mentor. "How are you?" he added as he reached Harm's side. There was a moments silence,
It's been so long that no one even asksAnd everybody's walkin' on the grassGrass that took a while to reappearI'd forgotten green without you here
"Harm?" Harm blinked, and turned his attention to the eager Lieutenant at his side.
"Bud" he managed to say, forcing a smile to his face, "how are you? It's been a while."
"I'm fine. You?" Bud replied cheerfully, aware of the tension, but unsure of how to deal with it, he just ploughed on. "Do you want to come join us? We are celebrating Tiner getting into Law School." He placed a hand on Harm's arm, and pulled him towards the group before Harm had a chance to resist. As they arrived at the booth, the whole group fell into silence, most eyes swivelling between the newly-arrived Harm and Mac, who was still standing by the booth, a look of shock and nervousness on her face.
Christmas came and went upon this bench
Tryin' to justify what made no sense
Now the ivy's overrun the tears
But it could never hide what happened here
People change (people change) everyday (everyday)
Change like you (change like you)
I got all the time in the world
People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
We got all the time in the world
Fillin' in the conversation by myself
Fillin' in the reason why you leave me leavin
Thinkin' back, the hope we had was more than mine
Harm recovered first, and glanced around the booth, a nervous smile on his face.
"Jason," he started, offering the Petty Officer a forced smile. "Congratulation on getting into Law School. I always knew you would do it."
"Thank you sir." Tiner replied nervously. Harm carried on,
"Sturgis, Jen, it's good to see you." His eyes rested on the Admiral for a moment, then he continued again with a nod, "Admiral." He glanced round the table again. "If you'll all excuse me, I should be getting going."
"Harm.." Bud started, but he was cut off.
"Give my love to Harriet, AJ and Jimmy, Bud." He turned to leave, his eyes falling onto Mac again. She still hadn't moved, and it took all his willpower not to pull her into his arms and wipe away the tears that he could see were threatening to fall. He nodded at her, "Mac." He said, before moving away from the table and out of the bar, feeling his shoulders slump in defeat as the image of her face followed him out of the bar.
Mac still hadn't moved, her mind distracted by the final verses of Harm's song. It was so full of sadness, she felt her heart break all over again.
The hope we had was more than mine (more than mine)
I know it makes sense to you (more than mine)
Just make it make sense to me
Maybe I'm alive beneath the snow
Maybe you're too petrified to know
I can't believe that you would tell me lies
How could I have missed that in those eyes
Maybe if I only heard your voiceI would understand you had no choice
And though I'm glad it's clear for you to see
I wish that you could make it make sense to me
People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
I got all the time in the world
Flowin' in and out your life (people change)
By tomorrow mornin (everyday)
Flowin' in and out my life (people change)
People change (people change) everyday
People cry (people change) all the
With a start, she felt Sturgis' hand on her shoulder and was aware that the rest of the group were still watching her with a mixture of concern and uncertainty.
"Mac?" Sturgis said
"I'm ok." She said calmly, glancing round at them all. "Honestly. I'm just going to nip to the ladies' room."
Once she got to the ladies' room, she stopped at the sink, and stared into the mirror. Her hands were shaking, she realised, and she felt the tears start to prick at her eyes again. Dammit it Marine, pull it together. She told herself angrily, but he obviously hates you. a little voice inside her head continued, he couldn't even bear to look at you for more than a millisecond. And you deserve it after what you did. She swiped angrily at the tears in her eyes, forcing herself to get a grip. A few moments later, she was ready, her head held high, she strode out of the ladies' room, determined to forget recent events and enjoy the rest of the night. Then, she ran smack bang into Sturgis.
"We decided to call it a night." He said calmly, "Bud had to get back to Harriet and the kids, and Tiner and Jen had plans to meet up with some mutual friends later." Mac looked at him and nodded her understanding.
"I'll see you tomorrow at work then." She said, turning to go past him. She was stopped a moment later by Sturgis' baritone voice.
"Mac?" she turned and looked at him questioningly. "He misses you. You could see it in his face. GO and talk to him." She felt the tears well up yet again.
"He hates me Sturgis. He couldn't even look at me." She replied. Sturgis looked at her sympathetically.
"Just go talk to him." He replied. "You two have to sort this thing out."
Well that's chapter 1 done and dusted, thanks for reading this far if you did!! I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews of all shapes and sizes are most welcome!