Hi everyone. Sorry it's taken so long to update. I've been extremely busy and just haven't had time. So I hope you haven't forgotten about this story:)

I'm going to do something a little different with this chapter. I'm still having trouble with this story, so I hope it works out. I'm going to skip some time since the last chapter. I'm just experimenting to see if it will work for me and for you.

I have to thank bohimiangirl, who gave me some great ideas that I'm putting into use. Thanks so much, I couldn't have done it without your help. Well I could have I guess, but it'll probably be better this way. :) You've helped me a lot, and everyone else reading this should thank you too.

Enjoy the chapter everyone, or at least try, and let me know what you think. And if I have a ton of typos like I usually do, laugh at me because I deserve it. I'm too impatient to check for them. I'll shut up now.

Rosalie

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Meredith walked slowly through the crowd of people. She knew all their faces now, though she didn't know their names. She had been here often enough to remember those many indifferent faces. She knew where she was going now, and she didn't want to, but she could not do anything about it; it was as if she was being forced to walk straight to where her long lost lover was waiting. She finally got through the crowd and saw what she had been coming to find. Now she did stop, as she always did, and looking unwillingly ahead of her-

The alarm went off and she awoke with a start. That dream had come to her again. Even a year later. She sighed and turned off her alarm clock and sat up. She hated that dream with a passion. It reoccured at least once a week. It never escaped her, and she never escaped it.

She got out of the bed and dragged her feet to the bathroom, rubbing her eyes and squinting against the light. She wondered what today would be like, if it would be good or bad. There was definitely more good than bad, but she was getting through it. She looked at herself in the mirror apprehensively. She was always afraid that she'd look behind her and see that he had come back again, after months of being away. She was free of him, she told herself that quite often. But she wasn't. Because she was too afraid that he'd come back and she'd have to go through it all over again. And she couldn't. Not again. But he thought of it haunted her and made her slightly paranoid (probably more than slightly if she was afraid to look in the mirror). Nobody knew this. Everyone thought she was fine and that it was over. She was back to normal. Not completely, but much better than where she was a year ago.

"A year ago," she said outloud to herself. "I think it's time you get over this Meredith."

Her reflection didn't answer her, so she looked down. It was scaring her.

A half hour later she went down into the kitchen. Izzie was in there making breakfast. Meredith did not feel like eating breakfast or talking. She wanted to just escape to the hospital.

"Good morning," Izzie said brightly. "Are you hungry? I have-"

"I'm good," Meredith cut her off. "I'm actually just going to go."

"Have surgery scheduled today?" Izzie asked.

"Yeah," Meredith said, and that was actually the truth. She had a craniotomy later that morning. She had wondered if continuing in neurosurgery was the right thing, but she did it anyway. Yet she felt awkward sometimes. She had replaced Derek. At least that is how she felt about it.

"So I'll see you later," she said, and Izzie smiled and said "Okay," then continued on with her cooking. Meredith went outside and got in her car, though she sat in it for several moments before she left.

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"Alright," she announced to the room. "Let's get this started people."

She looked at Rose for several moments, until she noticed and Meredith quickly looked away. She hated When Rose was in on her surgeries. She hated Rose period. She only brought back bad memories for her. So she instead focused on her surgery.

She had become quite a good neurosurgeon. She wasn't anywhere close to Derek's standard, but she was working her way there, and was positive that she could be as good as he was. But a part of her didn't want to. She didn't want to replace him any more than she already had.

The moniters started to go off. She looked up sharply.

"What's going on?" she asked, though she knew the answer.

"His pressure is dropping," Rose announced.

That's obvious, Meredith thought, even though she had been the one to ask. Rose thought she knew more than she did. She thought she could take Derek away from her-

"Dr. Grey!" a voice said loudly, making her fall out of her thoughts. "We're losing him!"

She just stared at her. She had frozen at a very bad time. But she had: it felt as if she were paralyzed and underexperienced. What do I do? she thought frantically as everyone stared at her and waited for her to do something, or tell them to do something.

"I-" she stuttered. "I- I don't-"

"Dr. Grey!"

"I don't know!" Meredith said desperately, and wanted to run out of the room that seemed to be shrinking around her. The others in the room were panicked. They had no idea how to operate on a brain anymore than Meredith did at the moment.

"You do know," another voice said, a voice that sent chills running down her spine. Not now, any time but now-

"Meredith," Derek said from behind her, and she shook her head. "Listen to me. You know what to do. Slow down and think. This man's life is in your hands."

"That's not helping," she snapped, and the nurse closest to her said, "What are you talking about?"

But she did not hear her say that. It was only her and Derek in the room. And as much as she knew that it was bad to have him there, he was the one person she could count on to save this man's life.

"Tell me what to do," she said under her breath, and the others in the room looked at each other.

They did not here Derek Shepard whispering directions to his once girlfriend, but she did and did not care about any of the others watching them. Her. This was about saving a life, not about what you had to do-or who you had to ask-to achieve that.

The machines started to return to the normal rythum. Meredith sighed in relief and behind her, Derek smiled, though she did not see this. For a second she thought about how right she was about being afraid to look in the mirror. But right now shehad to finish the surgery. And she did so, and when it was over the man was alive and stable. It took her a lot of effort to finally look behind her when she was done, but it was of no use. He wasn't there. She looked around for him, expecting to see him somewhere, but there was no trrace of Derek in the room. Rose looked at Meredith uncertainly as she walked past her to leave, but Meredith wa too busy looking for Derek to notice her.