Not Letting You Go
Chapter 6
Donnie was allowed back into his brother's room about twenty minutes after their parents had left. He had noticed that one of the nurses had carried out a plastic carry-all basket and assumed that it was for Charlie's next round of testing.
He approached his brother's side, sitting down in the chair, watching the mechanical rise and fall of his brother's chest with almost macabre fascination. He tried to remember the last conversation he'd had with his brother, but found he honestly couldn't remember one. At dinner they had both been quiet, which was unusual for Charlie, not so much for Donnie. Alan and Margaret had discussed what they needed to do the next day, as far as meetings and court times. 'God', Donnie thought, 'was that today?'
He thought a second, he really didn't have very many conversations with his brother anymore. They were each doing their own things and honestly, didn't have much in common to talk about. Truth be told when Charlie did talk Donnie only half listened because most of what Charlie said was over Donnie's head. It was always about math and that was usually the last thing Donnie wanted to hear about.
Sitting here, watching his brother, he discovered what he wanted more than anything was to hear his brother's voice spouting some obscure equation about why the baking time and temperature on the back of the cake box made it impossible get the cake done.
Donnie found himself being lulled by the rhythm of the heart monitor and the evenly spaced intervals of the ventilator. He eventually found himself drifting asleep, his hand resting again atop of Charlie's.
It was a couple of hours later when Alan and Margaret arrived back at the hospital. They found Donnie still asleep, his hand gripping his brother's. Margaret looked at her boys sleeping, her mind still not registering how Charlie could have possibly felt what he had written. She still couldn't believe, as a mother, that she had not seen the pain that had seemed to so consume her son.
Then she looked at Donnie. How could she have blamed him for any of this? Yes, she had noticed that Donnie was more distant around Charlie as they had entered and gone through high school. She knew it had been hard on Donnie having his little brother following him around at a time most teenagers were trying to find their own places among their peers. However, she had never seen him be mean toward Charlie. She did see that Donnie was sometimes frustrated by Charlie being at the same school, taking some of the same classes that he took. She knew that, even with some unconscious resentment toward Charlie, Donnie watched out for his brother, always tried to protect him. She knew despite all that he dearly loved his baby brother.
As she watched Donnie's sleeping form, she felt a shiver pass through her body. How could she have lashed out at him? Not only verbally, but she had done the unthinkable, she had physically lashed out at her son. Though he had said that he understood and forgave her, she still saw the pain of that incident in his face. She had to think of a way to make sure Donnie understood that what happened was misplaced anger and that she had no right to take it out on him. She needed to make sure he knew she had been wrong, so very wrong to blame him for anything. She just wasn't sure how. She knew she couldn't think about it right now. Once Charlie was better, though, she'd have to find the time to talk to Donnie, for both of their sakes.
Margaret squatted in front of her eldest son and gently touched his face whispering, "Donnie….time to wake up sweety."
She watched as he slowly blinked his eyes, then quickly straightened up as he saw his mother in front of him, his eye's then fell on Charlie. "Is he okay?"
Margaret followed his gaze. "He's the same. You need to go get cleaned up and get something to eat." Margaret watched as Donnie's eyes went back and forth between his mother and his brother.
Donnie stood slowly. "Mom, I can't…I know I said I'd go when you came back, but I can't leave him, not now." His eyes teared up at the thought of something happening to his brother if he was out of sight again.
Donnie felt the soft touch of his father's hand on his back and turned to look at him. "I thought you might say that." Alan actually gave a slight attempt to a grin. "So I brought you some things to change into, then I'm going to take you to the cafeteria to get something to eat, okay?"
Nervously Donnie looked at his dad and nodded. Suddenly his mother pulled him into an unexpected hug. "It's okay mom." Donnie whispered, returning the embrace. They separated, then Donnie turned and followed his father out of the room.
For the first time Margaret found herself completely alone with Charlie. She watched the rise and fall of his chest, watched as the heart beats flashed across the monitor. All these things told her that her baby boy was still with them, yet he was so far away. She gently sat on the edge of the bed, one hand taking Charlie's hand, the other lying over his chest. With tears rolling down her face she watched as the machine again breathed life into her son.
"How could I not know?" she whispered, "Why didn't you tell me how you were feeling? You've always been able to tell me anything." She sighed, gently pushed a curl from his forehead, ever careful of the ventilator hose taped to the side of his face. "I'm sorry if I pushed you, you just always took everything in and never complained. I wish you would have told me." Her voice cracked with the emotion she was so desperately trying to keep in check. "You need to fight this baby, please. You were wrong," Tears escaped her eyes. "You're our life, we would never want anything different. You and your brother are the most important things to us, to your father and I. I'm so sorry if I somehow lost sight of that. I'm sorry I got so wrapped up in all the amazing things you can do. I did something no mother should ever do; I lost sight of my child. You're still my baby." She felt as if her heart was breaking, the fear that she could still loose Charlie was nearly unbearable. "I'm sorry. Please don't give up baby. We need you--we're not complete without you. You complete our family, don't make us go on without you. We love you--I love you."
you complete our family
we love you
Margaret let her voice fade into the noise of the machines. She did take a notice of a slight increase in his heart rate from where it had been the first time she had seen him. Margaret wondered if the emotions she was feeling were causing her mind to play tricks on her; could his heart rate really be improving? She remembered the doctor saying something about that being a good sign when his heart rate started to normalize. Perhaps Charlie was hearing her, maybe he was trying to fight his way back to them, to her. Margaret took that tiny bit of improvement and latched onto it, praying it was a sign that maybe, just maybe, this would soon be behind them and they'd have Charlie back.