Not Letting You Go

Chapter 7

"You alright Donnie?" Alan called through the cracked bathroom door. He was standing guard outside one of the empty restrooms they had managed to find for Donnie to have a little privacy as he tried to clean himself up a bit.

Donnie's muffled voice answered, "Yeah dad, just give me a minute." A few minutes later a little less disheveled-looking Donnie stepped out of the restroom, giving his father an 'I'm okay' half-smile.

Alan placed his hand on his son's shoulder, "Let's get you something to eat." Donnie nodded as they walked toward the elevators to find the cafeteria.

Within a few minutes they were making their way through the line in the cafeteria. If Alan hadn't placed the sandwich and chips onto his son's tray Donnie would have gone through the line getting only a bottle of water and a cup of coffee.

Alan and Donnie found a table in the corner of the room, and they sat Alan studied his son's face. If it was possible, his soon-to-be eighteen-year-old-son looked like he'd aged ten years in the past day. Alan was sure he looked like he'd aged twenty; at least he felt like he had, since seeing his son's, one fighting to save his brother, the other seemingly loosing the battle, in the hallway. "Eat" Alan nudged his son, who then reluctantly took a bite of his sandwich. After a few more minutes of silence Alan spoke. "Do you want to talk?"

Donnie looked at his father, noticing that through the lines of worry and exhaustion, he saw concern. The compassionate concern his father's eyes held showed that he was worried about Donnie. "About what?" Donnie didn't want to add to the burden he knew his father was already carrying, by telling him his fears and concerns.

Alan looked at his son, knowing he was trying to be strong. "Donnie please, this is me, We've always been able to talk."

Donnie leaned back in his chair a bit, rubbing his face. "What do you want me to say dad?…..That I was never more terrified in my life when I felt my baby brother, who I'M supposed to take care of, who I'M supposed to protect, stopped breathing in my arms?" He leaned forward, "Dad….I….I don't even remember doing CPR on him. When you and the doctor mentioned it, I had no memory, I still have no memory of doing it. It's like he stopped breathing and the next minute I was sitting in his room finding that note. Dad I failed him, I let him down. My brother needed me and I pushed him away. He has no real idea how I feel toward him, how in awe I am of him, how proud of him I am…" His voice lowered with his eyes, "…how much I love him." He raised his gaze again to his father, "How can I live with that? " Tears were streaming down Donnie's face. "Dad I nearly lost one of the most important people to me and he doesn't even know it. What does that say about me?" Donnie's voice hitched as he tried desperately not to cry, but the more he tried not to, the more he did.

Alan reached across toward his son, pulling him into an awkward embrace. "You were being a normal big brother….remember I'm a big brother, too. Your job is to drive your little brother crazy, ignore him and never let him know that you really love him. I promise you if you stopped any set of brothers that is exactly what they would tell you that they do."

Donnie pulled back, "That doesn't make it all right. I should have seen this. He's been quiet lately, I should have noticed sooner and tried to talk to him." Donnie reached and took a sip of his coffee, wincing as the hot liquid went down his throat.

Alan looked at his own hands in his lap. "We all can be to blame for that, we've been so wrapped up in Charlie's next step in his education, that we weren't seeing him now. Most importantly we were forgetting we were still dealing with a child. Sometimes we have to be reminded that he's still a child thrown into an adult world. Unfortunately it took this for us to see it." Alan allowed his own tears to fall.

"Now what?" Donnie asked.

Alan frowned at the selection they had chosen to eat. "First we try and eat this food, then we go upstairs and wait for your brother to wake up and we try to help him anyway we can. If that means him taking a break from things, we'll do it. If it means some type of counseling for him or us as a family, we'll do that too. Whatever it takes, whatever we have to do, we will do it and we will get through it as a family."

Alan watched as Donnie nodded, then picked up his sandwich, "Let's get done so we can get back up to him. I want to be there when he wakes up, no mater when that is." The remainder of their meal, which neither ate much of, was in silence. They were soon on their way back to Charlie's room and hopefully his soon-to-be recovery.

Shortly after Donnie and Alan returned to Charlie's room Dr. McDonald came in. Charlie had already had four rounds of blood work done so far, with only minimal improvement. Dr. McDonald faced the Eppes family outside the PICU cubicle Charlie was in. "I know this has been difficult, but I have some encouraging news." The doctor noticed the guarded relief in the family's faces. "It seems the drug is working out of Charlie's system a little quicker than we expected."

Margaret spoke. "I noticed his heart rate increasing some from when we were first allowed to see him, that's good also right?"

The Doctor nodded at her question. "Yes it is. As I've mentioned earlier, his heart rate should be coming more into line with a normal rhythm. His blood pressure is also beginning to improve, coming back into a normal range as well."

"So he'll wake up soon?" Donnie needed to know his brother would be back with him soon. He needed to let Charlie know how much he meant to him, so this wouldn't happen again.

"That will be more up to Charlie. Know that things are normalizing, which is what we have been waiting for. I'm going to have the respiratory specialist come and adjust the ventilator so that it will only activate if his oxygen levels drop to unacceptable levels. However with everything starting to improve I think he may be able to come of the machine in the next ten to twelve hours. We will monitor how often it is activated, which will be frequent at first--his body has to get use to breathing on its own again, but that shouldn't take long. We still can't say when he might wake up for sure. Once the ventilator is removed completely we will run additional tests to discern his level of brain activity to determine what level of a coma he is in." The doctor took a minute to allow this new information to sink in.

Alan's hand reached for Margaret's, while at the same instant reaching for Donnie's shoulder with his other one. "Is there anything we can do to help him wake up any sooner?"

Dr. McDonald gave them a reassuring smile. "You've been doing it. You have been here so he knows he isn't alone. I'm sure you have been talking to him, just doing that has been shown to help coma patients understand there is someone waiting for them. They are often times able to feel the presence of family near them." The doctor took a deep breath. The next topic he was going to bring up wasn't one many families liked to hear about, but it was one that they needed to understand. "There is one other thing I would like to let you know about as we are going through Charlie's recovery. Once Charlie awakens from this, no matter how long it might take, he will be visited by the hospital's resident psychiatrist." Margaret's hand tightened on Alan's,

Donnie was the first to speak. "What !?" His voice was a bit defensive, which was actually something the doctor was looking for. "My brother is confused, he's a scared kid under a lot of pressure." Donnie felt his father's grip tighten on his shoulder. "He's not crazy."

The doctor held his hands up as if in mock surrender. "I know he's not; this is routine in cases like this. We want to make sure that once he leaves here, he will get the treatment he may need and that he won't do any further harm to himself. Believe me it is just routine." Donnie walked away a few feet, knowing the doctor was probably right, but still trying to rein in his anger. He noticed Dr. McDonald take a step toward him.

The doctor spoke in a tone that not only conveyed understanding, but one that was glad to see this reaction from the older brother as well. "You know," he said, looking at Donnie, "I'm honestly very glad to see you react this way. It tells me that no matter what happens, YOU are not going to give up on your brother. You know they say the bond between parents and a child are some of the strongest bonds there are. However, in my experience I have seen the bond between siblings make more of a difference, sometimes more than anything else we can do. If Charlie knows he has you, Donnie, that could make all the difference in the world." Donnie just stopped his pacing and stared at the doctor, wondering just how much of a difference he could make. He decided then and there that he would do anything to get his brother back.

Dr. McDonald turned back to Alan and Margaret. "I'll be back shortly with the respiratory specialist to have the machine adjusted. If you have any further questions before I return, please have the nursing staff page me."

Alan reached out to shake the doctor's hand. "Thank you doctor…..for everything."

A few minutes later the family returned to Charlie's room, feeling better then they had, knowing that slowly Charlie was coming back to them.