Not Letting You Go

Chapter 10

As Alan was walking Donnie toward the car he could not ever recall a time when he had seen his son look so exhausted. When they had exited the hospital Alan got a good look at his son in the fading daylight--not the artificial light of the hospital-- and was slightly taken aback, for the first time really realizing how hard this had been on Donnie. Alan noticed how pale his son looked, made more apparent by his almost jet-black hair and the dark circles that were around his eyes. Donnie was slightly unsteady on his feet and the dark shadow of stubble looked completely out of place on his son's normally clean-shaven face.

Alan finally got Donnie to the car; his son seemed to melt into the seat. As Alan got in himself, he noticed that Donnie already had his head against the window and his eyes closed. Before they had gotten out of the parking lot he heard the soft snores and realized Donnie had already fallen asleep. Alan allowed a quiet laugh to escape as it had been years since his oldest son had fallen asleep in the car. Charlie was usually talking a mile a minute, thus always keeping Donnie awake, no matter how tired he was, even after his baseball games.

It took them about thirty minutes to get home. Alan hated to wake Donnie, but knew there was no other way to get him in the house. He missed the times when he used to be able to carry a sleeping Donnie from the car to the house without waking him. Worrying that Donnie might feel the same way about using the front door as Margaret had, Alan had pulled further down the driveway, closer to the back door.

"Donnie?" Alan whispered his son's name as he gently shook his shoulder. "Donnie, we're home." Donnie sat up straight, blinking a few times, trying to get his bearings. He slowly opened the car door. Alan had to move quickly, wanting to get around the car in case his son needed him.

"I'm good dad, thanks." Donnie whispered as he noticed his dad come up beside him, and gently take his elbow. They slowly made their way into the house and Alan led his son upstairs to his room. He was surprised when Donnie didn't protest his father helping him into bed, so he took advantage of that and tucked Donnie in, kissing him on the forehead. "Only couple hours," Donnie softly said as he drifted off to sleep.

Alan sat on the edge of his sons bed for a few minutes, wondering how things had gotten to this point. He knew his son's loved each other. He knew Donnie would never do anything to hurt his little brother, he took his big brother role to seriously for that. Margaret and Alan didn't like it that Donnie got pulled into the principal's office so much. Though they didn't approve of Donnie's methods, but they both knew it was mostly because he was trying to protect his brother. Alan looked at his now-sleeping son, brushing some of the hair from his forehead, thinking that a person just wouldn't fight that much for someone if he don't love him a great deal. Alan again kissed his son's forehead, then headed down the hall, to get a little rest himself.

"Donnie help me!"

"Charlie! Where are you!?" Donnie was standing in the living room, the house seemed empty. He had this terrible feeling his brother was in terrible trouble and needed him, but he couldn't find him.

"Donnie! Please!"

Donnie could hear the panic in his brother's voice, it nearly matched the panic he was feeling to his very soul. He was terrified; his baby brother needed him and he couldn't find him.

"Charlie!…Where are you!?…Tell me where you are!" Donnie could hear himself screaming now.

"Why do you care?" Came a voice behind Donnie. He turned and stood face-to-face with the image of his mother, only it wasn't her voice.

"Mom?"

"You don't want him around anyway," the voice continued.

"That's not true, I love Charlie, I…"Donnie was cut off by another anguished cry from his brother.

"Donnie! Help me! Please!…" Charlie's voice faded.

"It's too late you know, he knows you hate him," the voice intoned.

Donnie desperately wanted, needed to find Charlie. Donnie pleaded with the menacing version of his mother to help him. "Where is he!?" Donnie was screaming at the form, "I have to help him!" Donnie felt panic, panic that he wouldn't be able to find his brother in time.

"I told you it was too late." The figure moved, revealing the pale, still form of Charlie lying on a table.

"CHARLIE!!" Donnie rushed toward him. He felt his chest constrict as he looked at the deathly pale face, feeling in his heart that he was truly too late. "Charlie, no, please," he whispered, tears streaming down his face. "I love you Charlie…please don't leave me."

The mocking voice returned behind him. "He died knowing only that you hated him. You didn't come to him when he needed you."

"SHUT UP!!!" Donnie rounded on the form. "I LOVE MY BROTHER!!" He turned back toward Charlie. "I love my brother."

Donnie watched as the body of Charlie began to disappear before him, "No!" He rushed the table, desperate to grab ahold and not let go of his baby brother, but as he reached the table, it was too late. Charlie was gone.

"CHARLIE!!"

"CHARLIE!!"

Donnie sat straight up in bed, breathing heavily, tears streaming down his face. Alan came rushing into the room, hearing his son's panicked yell, "Donnie?" As soon as Alan was within reaching distance he felt Donnie latched onto him, pulling him close as if trying to find something real to hold on to.

"Dad," Donnie's breathing was rapid, "God Dad, I failed him!" Alan was terrified, he'd never seen his son like this, Donnie was gasping for breath. "Please dad, Charlie's still alive, right?" Donnie was shaking in his father's arms. Alan was afraid his son was going to pass out, his breathing was so erratic.

"Shhh, Donnie, it's okay." Alan held his son tightly, feeling Donnie's hands twisting into his shirt. "He'll be okay, we have to believe that." Alan felt Donnie release another shuddered breath, trying to regain some control over his emotions. They sat for several minutes, a father holding his son, who had awakened from an apparently terrible nightmare, but not wanting anything more than to comfort his child and make the feeling of fear go away. Donnie soon had some control of his breathing again, then pulled back from his father, much too soon for Alan. Donnie pulled himself up out of the bed, "I need a shower," he whispered and quickly left the room. Alan sat until he heard the door close, then slowly rose to head downstairs to fix them something to eat.

Donnie closed the bathroom door behind him, trying to shut out the memory of the nightmare. He reached into the shower turning the water on as hot as he could stand it, then stepped in and allowed the heat to hit his body. His mind felt numb, his body was sore and he couldn't figure out why. As he stood with his eyes closed allowing the water to wash over him, a flash of a memory came.

The mental counting…1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,…the pause, then the counting again. The give of the chest beneath his hands…it was nothing like the mannequins he'd learned on. He remembered the instructor making the comment that it could be a taxing experience on the body of the person performing it.

The image in his head began to clear. He saw the small chest to which he was applying pressure. He gasped at the memory. He felt himself giving his brother breaths, then starting the compressions on his chest again. "Oh God," he whispered, "Oh God…Charlie died." The reality of what had occurred in the hallway hit Donnie like a ton of bricks. He felt his knees give out as he dropped to the floor of the shower. The flood gates opened and he sobbed uncontrollably. It was true, what his father had said, what the doctor had said. Donnie had performed CPR on his dead brother.

Alan had come rushing up the stairs when he had heard the loud 'thump' from the bathroom, but he stopped himself from rushing into the bathroom. The painful, sobbing sounds filtering over the sound of the water and through the closed door stopped him. He leaned his head against the door, placing his hand against it. He wanted nothing more to comfort his broken son on the other side, it broke his heart to hear his son in so much pain. However, he knew at this moment his son needed to be alone, to face what had happened and to come to terms with it. So as painful as it was for a parent to not comfort his child, Alan slowly turned and made his way back downstairs, hoping the nightmare they were all in would soon be over.