Not Letting You Go
Chapter 12
Together Alan and Donnie walked toward Charlie's room. As Alan stepped in he saw his wife curled up in a chair next to Charlie's bed. A hospital blanket draped around her shoulders; she was asleep. He turned and motioned for Donnie to stay quiet as they made their way further into the room.
Donnie walked up and finally got an unobstructed view of his baby brother's face. Charlie still looked so pale! Donnie wondered briefly if the lighting in the hospital just made everyone look that way. The room was silent except for the very faint hissing sound of the oxygen that escaped the nasal tubing under Charlie's nose. Donnie slowly reached up and placed his hand on the side of his brother's face. He was relieved that the huge machine was no longer needed to keep his brother alive, but Charlie's stillness still frightened him. He glanced at the heart monitor that was still attached to him noticing the sound had apparently been muted. He was sure that even if that were true, if anything happened alarms would sound at the nurse's station. Donnie stood and looked at the innocent child's face that was his brother.
Donnie stepped back from the bed and glanced at his mother. She looked so tired, even in her sleep. He knew his father had brought her some soup, but hoped maybe his father could get her out for a while. Though he might not look much better, Donnie, at least before he'd talked to Dr. Sanders, had felt a little better. He turned and found a chair in the unfamiliar room. Not wanting to wake his mother by pulling it over to the bed, he picked it up instead.
Alan had taken a seat slightly behind Margaret's sleeping form. Sitting in the silence, he was thankful his youngest son was no longer in the PICU, but still prayed he would wake up soon.
Margaret started to stir a short time later and stretched out her legs that had been curled up under her. Alan noticed her movement and quietly moved from his chair behind her. He saw the dried tear tracks on her face, gently placing his hand on her arm, he spoke lovingly to her. "Margaret?" She looked toward him as he kneeled next to her. "How are you feeling?"
She leaned into him as new tears started to flow. "I just wish he'd wake up," Margaret mumbled into his shoulder. Donnie had come around the bed and knelt next to his mother as well. She felt his gentle touch on her hand and latched onto his as well. Before long Margaret started to sit up straighter in the chair. She looked at Donnie, touching his face. She couldn't help but let out a nervous chuckle, "Donnie," she ran her hand over his stubbled cheek, "You didn't shave?"
Trying to break the nervous tension Donnie rubbed his hand over his chin. "Thought I'd see if Charlie liked the beard." He smiled slightly at his mother's amused expression. "Also thought it would help me pick up a nurse."
Margaret burst out a laugh, patting his face. "Does make you look older, but sweety, don't rush it." She leaned in and kissed his cheek.
After a moment Alan spoke. "What are they saying about Charlie, anything new?"
Margaret took a deep breath, "Dr. McDonald was by earlier, shortly after he had been settled, and said Charlie was holding his own. They'll be running tests tomorrow. He just reminded me it could still take some time before he wakes up, we have to wait and see." Her voice dropping to a whisper. "I hate waiting."
Alan pulled her close. "I know sweetheart, I know." He leaned back slightly to see her face. "I brought you some soup, why don't we go down to the cafeteria and see if they will warm it up for us. There's a park nearby. If you feel like it, after you eat, we can take a short walk and get some fresh air."
Donnie added, "He's right mom, you should really get some air."
Margaret looked back and forth between Alan and Donnie, then glanced at Charlie. "Okay, I probably should stretch my legs," she said, looking again at Alan. "Fresh air sounds nice too." Alan and Donnie stood. Alan offering a hand to his wife, then silently they left the room.
Donnie waited a few minutes to make sure his parents didn't return; he had been hoping he would get some time alone with Charlie. He reached down, picking up the duffle bag, placing it in the chair. He opened it up, pulling out the shoebox and book.
"I brought you someone Buddy," Opening the lid of the shoebox he pulled out the thread-bare little monkey and placed it under his brother's arm. Taking the book Donnie sat on the edge of the bed. "I thought you could use your friend about now. You know I remember when you found this book in my room, you used to drive me crazy to read it to you all the time. I might have complained then, but deep down I never really minded." Donnie let out a shaky sigh, he wasn't going to let his voice crack, just in case he brother could hear him. "I brought this," looking down at the book, "thinking you might like to hear the story again, like when we were younger. It's been a while since I read to you. I kind of miss reading to you." Donnie glanced back at his brother's face, desperate to see any change, but Charlie was as still as ever. Donnie slowly opened the book. Clearing his throat, he began to read.
For several minutes Donnie's quiet voice read one of Charlie's and his favorite childhood books about that little monkey and the adventures he had. As the story ended Donnie looked back toward his brother, for the first time noticing how peaceful Charlie looked. It scared him, he feared if Charlie felt as peaceful as he looked he might not want to come back to them. Donnie laid the book on the side table and gently picked up his brother's small hand, laying it flat in his own. He marveled at how small his brother's hand still seemed, Charlie had yet to hit his teenage growth spurt. He then curled his own hand around the smaller one, covering the remaining exposed fingers with his other. His eyes never leaving their grasped hands, Donnie began to speak.
"You know I miss helping you learn things. I never thought I'd miss reading you that book. I know it by heart, I guess I just needed something to hold onto while I recited it." Donnie tried to get his jumbled thoughts together. He had so much he wanted to say, he just wasn't sure how to do it. "You know, you've always been my annoying little brother, but you're mine and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Do you know the reason I got grounded? It was because Kevin thought he could mouth off and threaten my little brother, so I had to teach him a lesson. I knew I was going to get grounded for it, but I didn't mind. I knew going it what was going to happen, but it was worth it; you're worth it to me."
you're worth it to me
"Yeah, you're my pesky little brother, but your supposed to be. Whether it's getting into my stuff or trying to spy on me with my girlfriends, that's what your supposed to do, that's normal. Of course your brains are another matter, but you know what Charlie, I'm proud of you."
I'm proud of you
"You're smarter than I'll ever hope to be, I'm in awe of you. But you know that doesn't make you who you are. You're Charles Edward Eppes, my baby brother, and I love you."
I love you
Donnie's voice cracked slightly as memories came to him, "I was so excited when I found out I was going to be a big brother. I remember the first time I got to see you. You seemed so tiny, I couldn't touch you at first because you were born early. The first time I saw you, they had to suit me up in some of those surgical scrubs. Dad took a picture of me in those, they had to roll up the sleeves and the legs, I really looked funny. I remember all I wanted to do was to see my baby brother. Once I did I laid my hand on the side of the incubator they had you in and I remember telling you how much I wanted you to come home. I had so much I wanted to teach you. When you finally came home, that first night, I begged mom and dad to let me sleep in your room. I wanted to protect you from the start."
I wanted to protect you
Donnie felt the tears forming in his eyes as he let the words flow. "It was scary when we first learned what you could do, but that never stopped me from wanting to protect you. I worried it would be to hard for you--all those teachers you had, even before you started regular school, but you took it all in. After that I felt I couldn't teach you anything anymore, I felt useless. I didn't know how to handle that feeling, so as we got older I started pushing you away. It wasn't because of you Buddy, it was because of me. I felt you didn't need me anymore." The tears finally escaped as he kept rubbing the back of Charlie's hand.
He had been hearing words filtering in and out of the darkness around him. He knew the words were important, because they were coming from the most important people to him, his mom and dad. However the voice that he was hearing now wasn't one he really recognized. The voice sounded hoarse, it sounded sad, it sounded broken. He couldn't recall anyone's voice sounding like that, but the words. The words the voice was saying, they were words he felt in his soul were coming from someone who really cared about him, who really loved him. Could he have been so wrong to think whoever owned that voice would have been better off without him, that he'd be better off without the love the voice was trying to convey? He latched onto the words being spoken. As more and more were heard, he desperately wanted to figure out who the voice belonged to--he needed that person. That person truly loved him.
Donnie cleared his throat again, the emotions he was feeling literally clogging his throat. "God Charlie, I thought you could come to me. I thought if something was really bothering you you'd come to me with it. I'm sorry if I made you feel you couldn't. I never wanted that. I have always wanted to be there for you. The other night…" His voice cracked again, "…I realized I failed you. You felt you had nobody. I am so sorry Charlie. When I found you like that my world stopped. I couldn't fathom what I was seeing, it wasn't right, it wasn't normal. When…," Donnie felt like his own chest was constricting as he remembered finding Charlie. "When I held you in my arms and you stopped breathing, it was like I stopped breathing too. I felt I was going to die. My baby brother had just died in my arms and I was powerless to stop it." He again drew in a shuddering breath. "I couldn't protect you from that, and my world ended in that hallway. I've been in this emotional nightmare and I feel like I brought it on myself. I let my little brother down and I nearly lost you." Donnie was still looking at the small hand in his, noticing the nails were now the pinkish color they should be, not the deathly blue they were that night. "But you know what," Donnie straighteed some, clearing his throat again, "I'm not letting you go. I'm gonna do whatever I can, if it means reading that damn book constantly until you get tired of it and wake up to tell me to shut up, I'll do it. I need you back Charlie. There is no big brother without his little brother. Charlie, I can't exist without you. Please come back to me, I love you." Donnie closed his eyes. He felt emotionally drained, but strangely his soul felt lighter since the words were spoken. He felt that maybe, some how the words had helped.
"Love you too"
Donnie's head shot up at the hoarse whisper of words he was sure, but at the same time unsure, had come from his baby brother. When he focused on Charlie's face he was greeted by two very big, beautiful brown eyes looking back at him. "Charlie?"
"Sorry." The whispered voice said again.
"God Charlie, is that really you? Are you really awake?" Donnie couldn't believe his eyes, he raised his hand and gently touched his brother's face. Charlie closed his eyes and turned slightly into his big brother's hand. "Oh God Charlie!" Donnie cried out, leaning his head down onto his brother's chest. He felt Charlie try and move his hand onto his back. Donnie eased his hand under Charlie's head and pulled his brother up to him, holding him tight. He felt Charlie's hand tighten its grip on the back of his shirt.
The monitor at the nurse's station was showing an increase in Charlie's heart rate, so one of the nurses went to make sure he was all right. She stopped in the doorway as she witnessed the brotherly embrace, noticing the small hand wrapped around the older boy's back, tightening on the shirt it held. She smiled, then quickly left the room to page the doctor. Charlie Eppes was awake.
Donnie gently laid his brother back down, noticing the tears coming from his eyes. He gently wiped them away. "Do you need a drink?" he asked reaching for the cup of water he had on the table. Charlie nodded and gratefully accepted the drink.
"Sorry…didn't know," Charlie said, his voice just a bit stronger.
Donnie looked at him, puzzled. "Didn't know what Charlie?" Donnie again brushed tears from his brother's face.
The tears were clear in Charlie's voice as well. "You loved me."
Donnie's heart froze. Did his little brother really believe that he didn't love him? Donnie choked, "I always have Charlie, I always have."
Charlie's eyes started drifting shut. "Tired…Donnie."
Donnie brushed his hand through his brother's curls, "It's okay Buddy, you sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up." Donnie started to bring the blanket up further on Charlie.
Charlie's tired eyes looked pleadingly at his brother, "Would you hold me?"
"Yeah--sure." Donnie crawled into the bed next to his brother, mindful of the IV lines still attached to him. As Donnie got settled he felt Charlie curl into his side. Donnie wrapped his arm around him, holding him close. He kissed the top of Charlie's head and whispered, "I'm not letting you go, I love you Charlie."
"I love you too Donnie."
With that Charlie drifted back to sleep, as did Donnie a few minutes later. That was how Dr. McDonald found them, clinging to one another. He smiled, he knew he had been right about Donnie. Donnie had been the one to whom Charlie returned. Not wanting to disturb the boys, he told the nurse to page him when their parents returned. He finally had some very good news to give them.