Not Letting You Go
Chapter 15
Alan had given them some time once he heard the water shut off. Margaret and he had heard muffled talking once it was off, but now Alan was becoming concerned that the boys hadn't emerged from the bathroom, so he softly knocked on the door. "Donnie? Is everything all right?"
Alan heard movement. "Just give us a minute dad." Inside Donnie had finally gotten Charlie calmed. A few minutes after Alan's inquiry Donnie opened the door, Charlie was again leaning heavily against the sink. Donnie saw the questioning look from his father; he shook his head trying to convey the message 'don't ask right now.' Alan nodded in understanding.
"Do you need any help?" Alan asked his son as Donnie returned to help Charlie stand.
"No dad, I think we got it," Donnie replied as he and Charlie exited the bathroom, slowly making it back to the bed.
Once Charlie was back in bed Margaret took to adjusting his pillows and blankets. She also couldn't stop herself from running her hand through his wet curls, to at least brush them back from his face.
"Do you need anything sweetheart?" she asked Charlie.
Looking at his mother with a slight smile he asked, "Could I get something to drink?"
Margaret returned the smile. "Sure. What would you like?"
"I'd like some orange juice. Do you think I could get some of that?" The expression on his face was one that reminded Margaret of the few times Charlie had wanted ice cream from the ice cream truck that would come through the neighborhood--eager anticipation.
She placed her hand on the side of his face. "I'm sure we can find you some orange juice." Margaret looked over at Alan.
"Charlie," Alan stepped up next to the bed. "I'll go see if the nurses have any, okay son?"
Charlie smiled at his father and whispered. "Thanks."
Donnie stood too, "I'll go with you too dad."
Charlie's eyes shot to Donnie. "Donnie?"
His brother turned toward him. "I won't be gone but just a minute okay?" Then Donnie leaned in and jokingly whispered, "Don't need dad setting me up with a date do we?" It got the desired reaction as Charlie let out a low chuckle. "I'll be right back Buddy." With that Alan and Donnie left the room.
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Once in the hall Alan looked at Donnie as they walked toward the nurse's station. "Did something happen?"
Donnie pushed his hands down further into his jeans pockets. "He lost it dad." Donnie faced his father, stopping to lean against the wall. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. "Dad," he opened his eyes, meeting his father's worried ones. "The way he said my name, he…he sounded so lost and scared. The only thing I could think of to do was to hold him." Donnie rubbed his face. "Dad he just clung to me. I didn't know what else to do."
Alan placed his hands on his son's shoulders. "You did exactly what he needed you to do, you were there for him. You done good son, you done good." Alan stood in awe of his eldest's sons ability to be seemingly handling what was going on better then he, himself, was doing. Alan had been concerned when Charlie wasn't really talking with Margaret and himself, but had been relieved to see him reach out to his brother. Now, knowing that Donnie had followed his heart and taken on the role of comforting his brother, he felt a swelling proud for his son.
They continued their way to the nurse's station and made their request for orange juice. Upon getting the juice and making their way back toward Charlie's room they noticed Dr. Sanders coming down the hall. "Mr. Eppes? Donnie?" Dr. Sanders greeted them with a hand shake. "I was just coming to see Charlie. How is he doing?"
Alan slowed to talk with Dr. Sanders as Donnie continued on. "Dr, McDonald said all his tests have come back fine. Hopefully once he talks with you, we'll get to take him home maybe tomorrow. Charlie asked when he could go home."
As they reached the room Donnie entered first with the juice. "You know Charlie, I don't think I've got a chance with the nurses. I think they like you and your curls better." Donnie's joking tone made Charlie look down a bit as his face flushed with embarrassment. Donnie smiled at his brother, "Here's your juice." He passed it to their mother, who proceeded to put some in a cup.
Alan and Dr. Sanders had entered hearing Donnie's good natured teasing of his brother. Dr. Sanders noticed Charlie's reaction and smiled to himself. This brotherly interaction was a good sign, reinforcing his first thoughts that Donnie would indeed play a key role in his brother's progress.
Alan walked up to Charlie's bed. "Charlie, this is the doctor Dr. McDonald mentioned that he wanted you to talk to. This is Dr. Sanders." This time Dr. Sanders saw a shadow of uncertainty cross Charlie's face.
He held his hand out to Charlie. "How are you Charlie?" Charlie timidly shook the doctor's hand.
"Okay I guess."
"Charlie, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a little bit. Would that be okay?" Dr. Sanders asked.
Charlie nervously looked at Donnie, who gave him a slight nod. "Okay." his voice was quiet. "Can Donnie stay?"
Dr. Sanders looked at the family, then back to Charlie. "Charlie, I really need to talk to you alone for a few minutes, but they will be right outside, alright?"
Charlie's eyes looked pleadingly at the doctor. Dr. Sanders watched as Donnie stepped up to his brother, taking his hand. "It's okay Charlie. He just wants to help and I'll be right outside. If you need me he'll come and get me." Donnie shot the doctor a look that almost made him flinch. It was a look like that said 'if you don't, I'll gonna make it real unpleasant for you'. Dr. Sanders gave Donnie a nod of agreement. Donnie turned his attention back to Charlie. "Once you're done I'll be right back in and hopefully we can take you home tomorrow, okay?"
Charlie looked at his brother, fear still showing in his face. "Okay, I'll talk to him." Donnie patted his brother's arm. Margaret leaned in and kissed his cheek, and Alan patted his son's leg. Each of them sent him a reassuring smile as they left the room, leaving Charlie and Dr. Sanders alone.
Dr. Sanders pulled a chair up next to Charlie's bed. He regarded the patient before him. "God he's so young,' the doctor caught himself thinking. He cleared his throat and asked his first question. "How are you feeling Charlie?"
Charlie's hand wandered to his stuffed monkey, which he placed back in his lap while he started pulling on a loose thread. "Okay I guess?"
The doctor continued, "Charlie, I'm going to ask you some tough questions, but they are very important okay?" Charlie gave Dr. Sanders a quick glance, then returned his eyes to his monkey, so the doctor continued. "Charlie, do you remember what happened the other night?"
Charlie took a deep breath, closing his eyes. "I remember being in my room with the lights out. I felt…I don't know--alone."
"What do you mean 'alone', Charlie?"
Charlie looked up at the doctor, "Did mom and dad tell you about me and my numbers?"
Dr. Sanders nodded, "Yes they did."
"Nobody knows what that's like. They try sometimes, but I can't describe it. How the numbers are always there. I get so scared sometimes, like the numbers are just gonna take over one day and I'll be gone." Charlie looked intently into the doctor's face, "How do you explain that?" Charlie took a shuddered breath. "I see everything, I mean everything in numbers. Sometimes I 'zone out', at least that's what Donnie calls it. It's like I have to shut myself down to get control over the numbers; sometimes even that doesn't work." Charlie's eyes fell back to his lap, "People get frustrated with me when I do that, they think I'm not paying attention, but it's something I really can't control. I…I just get so tired." Charlie's voice was just barely a whisper.
"Charlie I want you to try and focus on your feelings that night."
"That night," Charlie rubbed is face. So reminiscent of his older brother, Dr. Sanders thought, before Charlie continued. "I had been listening to my parents talking bout my college options. Dad wasn't happy with the idea of mom going across the country to Princeton with me. It wasn't the first time I'd heard him unhappy about it. Donnie had been grounded for fighting again at school and he wasn't talking to me, not that we talked much anyway. I guess I felt he didn't want me around." Charlie's voice began to crack as he continued. "I felt I had done enough to mess up my family--especially Donnie. Mom had to spend so much time with me that he missed out on having her there for him. I guess I thought if…if I wasn't around anymore everything would be okay for him." Tears started to fall down Charlie's face. "I remember having 25 pills in my hand." The young boy looked up almost pleadingly. "See, it's always numbers." His eyes fell again. "As I took them I heard the floorboards in the hall." Charlie nervously chuckled. "There's a squeak dad can't seem to fix. Just after I took them I saw my door opening, but the person there was all fuzzy." Charlie's tears continued. "I didn't realize it was Donnie until I heard his voice; he sounded so scared, I…I couldn't figure out why he was scared." Charlie took a shuddered breath as he watched the tears drop from his face onto the monkey in his hands, making almost perfect circles on the worn fabric.
Dr. Sanders gave Charlie a minute, then asked his next question. "Charlie, do you think what you did that night was the best thing you could have done?"
Charlie looked up again, never more looking like a frightened child than at that moment. "I didn't…I didn't think he cared about me, that he--they-- needed me. I felt I was a problem." Again Charlie took a deep breath. "How could I have been that stupid?" he looked desperately toward the doctor, his voice rising with emotion, "What I put them through, God I was wrong, how could I have been that wrong?" His breathing was becoming more labored.
Dr. Sanders responded, "Charlie, you were confused, you felt misunderstood and alone. Your feelings weren't wrong, everyone has those feelings at times. What made this different was your decision to try and take your own life. Do you understand you almost died from this?" Dr. Sanders hated being blunt, but felt he needed to see if Charlie fully understood what could have happened. "Charlie your feelings weren't what almost caused your death; your choice to take those pills did. It was the fact you tried to remove yourself from your family forever--to end your life. Is that what you really wanted? Did you really think it would make their lives 'better' as you put it in your note?'
Charlie's breath quickened as he took in what the doctor was trying to get him to see. "I…I love my fa…family." He started to stutter between breaths, "I…I just tho…thought…" He tired to take a breath, "I was…wrong…" Charlie was having a problem inhaling a deep breath and tears were streaming uncontrollably down his face.
Dr. Sanders stood, trying to help Charlie get control of his breathing. "Charlie, you need to calm down. Charlie look at me, you need to take some deep breaths." Charlie's panicked eyes met Dr. Sanders. "Charlie breathe with me--in, out, in, out. Charlie, focus on your breathing." Dr Sanders wasn't having any luck calming Charlie and reached for the button to call the nurse.
Within a minute the nurse opened the door. "Were you needing something doctor?" Not realizing the distress Charlie was in, until she got closer to the bed; seeing the oxygen mask on his face and the panic in his eyes.
Dr. Sanders, still trying to calmly talk Charlie into controlling his breathing, glanced at the nurse. "He's hyperventilating, we need to page Dr. McDonald."
The nurse pressed the intercom button to the nurse's station. "Page Dr. McDonald to room 525, stat!"
Charlie's terrified eyes pleaded with Dr. Sanders. "Do…Donnie?"
"Okay Charlie, we'll get your brother, but please try and calm down." Dr. Sanders looked over at the nurse. "Get his brother."
She rushed over to the door, not surprised to see the family huddled near it when she opened it. "Donnie, we need you a minute honey."
Donnie glanced at his parents then quickly entered the room. What greeted him was nearly as scary as the night he had found his brother on the floor of his room. "What happened!? You said you'd help him!!" Donnie rushed to his brother's side, seeing the panic in his brother's eyes as he struggled to breathe.
Dr. Sanders tried to keep his voice even. "He became upset and started to hyperventilate. We're trying to calm him down, that's where we need your help. He asked for you. I don't want to have to sedate him, but if he can't calm down he could pass out."
Donnie sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled his brother close to him, rubbing his back. "Charlie, hey Buddy, it's Donnie." Donnie was terrified feeling his brother shaking in his arms as he struggled to get in a breath. "Listen to me Buddy, you've got to calm down. Listen to my breathing, breathe with me." Donnie began to take deep, even breaths. "Come on, you can do this. We can count it out okay? One…in, two…out, one…in, two…out." Donnie continued the slow count as Dr. Sanders stepped back, giving the brothers some space. He watched as Donnie was slowly able to get his brother's breathing into a steady rhythm. About that time Dr. McDonald came into the room. Dr. Sanders stepped over to him explaining what had happened.
The nurse next to Charlie and Donnie started to take Charlie's vitals as he calmed down. Donnie gently laid his brother back onto the bed. "Good job Buddy, you're doing good." Donnie noticed out of the corner of his eye that the two doctors had left the room. "Charlie, I'll be right back, this nice nurse will be right here. Mom and Dad are probably freaking out, okay? I'll be right back." Charlie nodded, closing his eyes, still taking deep breaths.
When Donnie exited the room he saw his parents with Dr. McDonald and Dr. Sanders a few feet down the hall. Fortunately for Dr. Sanders Alan heard his son coming. Alan grabbed Donnie just as he was about to launch himself at the doctor. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"
"DONNIE!" Alan held his son tight.
"No dad, Charlie couldn't breathe. He couldn't get his breath because of him!" Donnie glared at Dr. Sanders. "You said you'd help him. How does that help!?" Dr. McDonald had also stepped between Dr. Sanders and Donnie, still struggling in his father's arms.
Alan pleaded. "Donnie please! Calm down!" Alan had managed to push his son back a few feet to the wall. "Donnie, he didn't know Charlie would get that upset, please son." Alan could finally see Donnie calming down some, but he was reluctant to let him go.
Donnie took several deep breaths and looked at Dr. McDonald. "I don't want him in with Charlie anymore!" Donnie looked at his father, lowering his voice. "Dad, I'm going back to Charlie." With that Donnie pulled from his father and walked back down the hall to his brother's room.
Alan watched until his son disappeared through the door. Margaret had been standing by, somewhat shocked at Donnie's reaction. Alan looked first at Dr. McDonald then to Dr. Sanders. "Donnie has a point. You said you wanted to help Charlie. How did this help him?"
Dr. Sanders glanced down the hall then back to Alan and Margaret, clearing his throat. "I had no intention of that happening. He was coming to the realization of what he had tried to do and what could have really happened. When he did that, he began to hyperventilate. When I saw that I couldn't get him calmed down that is when I rang the nurse. Charlie asked for his brother, that's when the nurse came and got Donnie. Donnie was able to get Charlie calmed back down." The doctor took his own deep breath. "I didn't expect him to react the way he did, though I have had it happen before." He wanted to help the parents before him understand that it was actually good Charlie reacted the way he did. "Believe it or not it's a good sign. I believe he realizes what could have happened and that it really wasn't what he had wanted. With the support he has gotten from you all, especially Donnie, since he's woken up, it helps him realize there was a better way."
Margaret's quiet voice spoke. "When can I take my baby home?" She wasn't sure how she felt about what had just happened. All she knew is that she wanted to take Charlie home.
Dr. McDonald looked at Dr. Sanders. "I don't see why he can't go home tomorrow."
Dr. Sanders nodded, "I agree. I truly don't believe this type of episode will be repeated. However you will have to be aware of any potential warning signs. I have some papers you can review regarding that. I'm also strongly recommending he start seeing someone. Not only because of this incident, but also with some issues he has regarding his gift. I'm going to make a couple of calls, I know of someone who has dealt with patients with gifts like Charlie's. I'm also recommending family sessions as well. The doctor I have in mind also does family sessions."
"We'll do whatever is necessary to help Charlie." Margaret looked at Alan who nodded in agreement, "Of course we will."
"There is one more thing," Dr. Sanders spoke again. "There is a chance, though small, that Charlie could have another episode like what happened again while he's in a session. I suggest that beforehand you talk with him about strategies he can use to calm himself down." He watched understanding cross Alan's and Margaret's faces. "I can see too," Dr. Sanders looked back down the hall for a moment, "Donnie's devotion to his brother will help immensely." He looked at the Eppes seriously. "But he needs to understand the fact that this sort of thing could happen again. I know he was going on emotion this time, but he needs to also find a way to keep himself calm. If Charlie sees his brother get that upset it could have an adverse effect, where Charlie may feel responsible for Donnie's reaction. He needs to understand that."
Alan spoke, "I'll talk to him about that. When it comes to his brother, Donnie does have a tendency to go on emotion rather then rational thinking." A small chuckle escaped Alan, "That's how he ends up in the principal's office so much."
They all smiled slightly at that comment, then Dr. Sanders spoke a final time. "Again, I'm truly sorry that this happened, but remember it does show progress. If Charlie had believed he had made the right choice that night, his reaction would not have been so strong when he realized what could have really happened." Dr. Sanders stepped forward toward Alan, extending his hand, "I'm going to go make those phone calls and hopefully have a name for you before you leave tomorrow." He reached for Margaret's hand as well. "Mrs. Eppes, Mr. Eppes, please tell Donnie I never intended to upset him or his brother. I'll see you both tomorrow." Dr. Sanders turned and left the group in the hall.
"Is Charlie all right?" Margaret asked, stepping closer to her husband.
Dr. McDonald motioned for them to start down the hall toward Charlie's room. "He had calmed down before I left the room. The nurse was starting to take his vitals, let's go check on him." He silently led Alan and Margaret back to their boys.