Not Letting You Go
Chapter 17
As the Eppes family pulled into the driveway of their much-loved Craftsman home, Charlie sat up. His father had stopped the car next to the walkway leading to the front door. Alan remembered Margaret's comment from a few days ago about wanting to walk Charlie back in the door he had been wheeled out of that terrible night. So as he shut off the engine Alan glanced at his wife who gave him a knowing smile. They all opened their doors, all except Charlie. Donnie made his way around the car to open Charlie's door. He knelt down next to the car looking in at Charlie.
"You ready to go in Buddy?"
Margaret was standing behind Donnie; Alan had already made his way to the trunk to retrieve the two duffle bags they had used, then waited at the end of the walk for Charlie to exit the car. Without a word Charlie slowly, with his brother's help, got out of the car. Alan went ahead to open the door, then turned to watch his family slowly approach.
Margaret had taken Charlie's arm, while Donnie walked close behind, just in case his brother's step wavered. Alan noticed tears on Margaret's face as she stepped through the sturdy wood doorway with her baby boy at her side. Just inside the entryway Margaret quietly asked, "Do you want to go upstairs or the couch, sweety?"
"Couch." Charlie's voice was barely heard, even in the quiet of the house.
Donnie turned, taking a bag from his father. As he neared the stairs he looked toward Charlie. "You want anything from upstairs Charlie?"
Charlie shook his head as his mother helped him sit down on the couch and Alan and Donnie headed up the steps.
Within a few minutes Donnie was back and looking toward the living room at his brother. "Where's mom?" He approached the couch.
"Kitchen." Charlie's one word answers were unnerving Donnie a bit.
Sitting down on the couch next to his baby brother Donnie asked quietly, "What's wrong?"
Charlie shot a nervous glance toward Donnie, then back to his lap. "I'm scared," he whispered.
Donnie looked at his brother a second. He was scared too, but he wasn't about to let it show.
"Of What?" Donnie asked, hoping his brother wasn't about to shutdown on him.
Charlie looked a little embarrassed, "Forget it…it's stupid." Charlie wouldn't make eye contact with Donnie. This really bothered Donnie, as over the past couple of days, since Charlie had woken up, Charlie was always looking at his brother, as if to make sure he was still there.
Donnie laid his hand on Charlie's. "Charlie, Buddy? If you're feeling it, it's not stupid. Now what are you scared of?"
Charlie finally made eye contact and whispered. "That you'll leave me."
"Oh Charlie," Donnie pulled his brother to him, "why would I leave you? I love you Charlie." Though Donnie knew the possibility that he and Charlie would be apart, with college looming in the not to distant future. He keep his main focus, right now, on comforting his brother.
"Because of what I did," Charlie's shaky voice tore at Donnie's heart. "I'm afraid you're ashamed of me for being weak."
"You are not weak, do you understand?" Donnie tried to keep his voice calm, but he wanted to make sure Charlie understood, Donnie didn't see him as weak. "You were confused, but I want you to understand, if you ever, ever feel even close to that way again, you come to me, okay?" Donnie's voice softened. "Okay?"
Charlie nodded, his voice barely a whisper, "Okay."
Margaret entered the room with a glass of orange juice for Charlie. "Here you go sweety, you should really rest some." She sat next to him as he accepted the glass, taking a small drink. He handed it back to her, then again sought comfort from his brother, who was still beside him on the couch. Donnie leaned back, getting into a more comfortable position, placing his feet up on the ottoman that was near the end of the couch. He allowed Charlie to get comfortable, giving his mother a reassuring smile. Margaret reached for the afghan on the back of the recliner, placing it over them. Charlie again quickly fell asleep. Donnie tilted his head back and soon followed his brother.
12121121212121212
Donnie awoke to the smell of, if he had to guess, beef stew; one of his brother's favorite meals, and his too, of course. He watched as his mother brought out the dishes, getting ready to set the table. He heard her voice muffle as she passed back through the door into the kitchen, no doubt talking to their father, who was famous for his stews and soups.
"Hey Charlie?" Donnie gently shook his brother's shoulder. "Hey, dad's fixin' beef stew, you'd better wake up." Charlie stirred slowly and sat up as Donnie continued, "We'd better wash up." Donnie stood, "I'll help you to the bathroom." Charlie took his brother's hand and allowed Donnie to pull him up. While still hearing their parents in the kitchen, the boys made their way down the hall to the bathroom.
"I can do this." Charlie looked at his brother as he slowly made his way into the bathroom.
Donnie nodded, "Okay, I'll be right here."
Donnie watched as Charlie closed the door. After a couple of minutes Charlie emerged, but stopped just outside the door. "I'll wait for you," he told Donnie, who just quickly washed his hands.
As they made their way into the dining room Margaret came through the door.
"Oh!" she exclaimed, slightly startled that they were near the table. "I was just about to wake you two." Margaret studied both of her boys. They both looked weary, as the whole family was. "I hope you're hungry, you know your father, he made enough stew for the whole street." A smile passed between the boys.
Just then Alan came through the door, carrying a large pot. "I heard that!" The boys chuckled. "You'll thank me later when you want some for a snack," Alan smiled.
Margaret leaned over and kissed her husband, "Of course, my dear."
"MOM!" Donnie whined at his mother's show of affection toward her husband, thus eliciting another chuckle from Charlie.
Soon the table was set and they each had a nice, hot bowl of Alan's beef stew. Quiet settled over the table as they all began to eat. Donnie watched Charlie closely as his brother stirred his stew more than he ate it. By the end of dinner Charlie, who normally would have requested seconds, had barely finished half of his bowl.
Charlie spoke first, "Thanks dad, that was good." He was sure his father had fixed it special for him, but just couldn't bring himself to eat any more of it.
"You're welcome Charlie. I'm glad you liked it." Alan tried to keep the worry out of his voice at how little his son had eaten.
Charlie slowly rose from his chair. "I think I'm gonna take a shower. If that's okay?"
Margaret watched her son. "That's fine sweetheart."
They all watched as Charlie made his way up the stairs. Once he was out of sight Donnie stood.
"I'm gonna head up too, just in case he needs any help." Donnie looked at his father, "Thanks for dinner dad." With that he too headed up the stairs.
Alan and Margaret heard the shower start, as they began to clear the table. "I'm just glad he's home," breathed an exhausted Margaret.
"Me too," Alan replied, picking up the stew pot and heading into the kitchen.
As Margaret started to load the dishwasher she glanced at Alan. "I'm going to call that doctor tomorrow, to see how soon he can see Charlie."
Alan was scraping and handing her the dishes. "That's a good idea. We shouldn't forget about the family sessions too. Especially for Donnie, this has been really hard on him."
"I know," Margaret continued, "I'm really proud of how he's handling everything, but you're right. He's always been good at hiding his emotions. We'll also need to make sure we talk to him about how he can handle it better, if Charlie was to becomes upset, like he did in the hospital, again. I don't think I have ever seen Donnie so angry, as he was at Dr. Sanders!"
Alan turned toward the cabinet to get out several small storage containers for the stew. "I'll talk to him about it," he commented. After several minutes of silence Alan looked at his wife; she was staring out the kitchen window. "Margaret?" He walked up behind her, "Margaret? You all right?" He saw her shoulders trembling and he gently wrapped his arms around her.
"We nearly lost him Alan," she whispered. "We nearly lost our baby." Her voice was so thick with emotion, he could barely understand her. She turned in his arms, burying her head into his chest.
"But we didn't." Alan kissed the top of her head. "We'll get through this. We'll help Charlie and it will make us a stronger family." He felt her nod in his arms, as they both tried to reassure and comfort one another.
12121212121212121
Donnie's bedroom was the closest to the bathroom so he sat in his room with the door open, just in case his brother needed him. When he heard the shower stop he walked and stood in his doorway. After a few minutes the bathroom door opened; Charlie emerged with a towel securely around his waist His normally unruly curls hung limp, nearly obscuring his face.
"You leave any hot water?" Donnie asked jokingly.
Charlie startled a bit, "What?"
Donnie could tell his brother had been crying again, as Charlie glanced at him. "You okay Charlie?" The big brother in Donnie hated seeing his brother this broken.
Charlie stopped at his bedroom door. "Just tired." He slowly entered his room. "Think I'm gonna go to bed, night Donnie." With that Charlie closed the door.
Donnie couldn't help, but worry, watching the door close. He went ahead to the bathroom to get his shower. He wanted to get done quickly, just in case. Donnie had taken his clothes in with him, so he was dressed when he left the bathroom. He stopped, looking at Charlie's, now partly-opened, door. He stepped closer to it, needing, just for his own peace of mind, to check on his brother. Memories of that night flooded his mind as he slowly pushed open the door, nearly making him sick.
"Charlie?" he whispered.
Part of his mind was relieved to not find his brother again on the floor, but he was worried when he didn't see him in the room at all. 'Maybe he went downstairs', he thought. Stopping by his room to grab his slippers, he was surprised to find his brother curled up on his bed. Donnie quietly sank to his knees next to the bed and gently brushed a curl from his brother's face.
"Donnie?" Charlie tiredly whispered.
"Yeah Buddy it's me. You all right?" Donnie's hand moved to his brother's arm.
"I can't…not tonight…is it okay if I stay in here?" Charlie's eyes opened slightly, but clearly he was exhausted.
"Yeah, sure…whatever you need." Donnie watched as relief passed over his brother's face, as his eyes drifted shut.
"Love you" Charlie whispered.
Donnie shuddered at the words, as they had been the last thing Charlie had mumbled that night before he stopped breathing in his arms. Trying to control his own shaky voice, Donnie whispered back, "Love you too Buddy."
He watched as Charlie drifted asleep. Donnie decided to let their parents know both Charlie and himself were turning in early. Returning to his room, he got his sleeping bag out of his closet. Rolling it out next to the bed, grabbing the extra pillow from the foot of his bed. Turning out the lights he laid down and slowly drifted to sleep to the soft sound of his brother breathing.
A couple of hours later as Margaret and Alan made their way to bed, they stopped at Charlie's room. At first slightly worried when they didn't see him, they were quickly relieved when they discovered him in Donnie's room. Shaking their heads at the discovery that Charlie was curled up in Donnie's bed, while Donnie was on the floor next to the bed in his sleeping bag. They watched for a few minutes, each sadly smiling at how so much had changed in the last week. "God has it only been a week," they both thought. Their world had been turned on end a short seven days ago, as they had nearly lost Charlie. Even though Charlie was home now they worried. They knew it would take time for things to get back to normal, but they were also starting to really worry about Donnie too. They could tell he was having a hard time containing his own emotions. He had always tried to control them, never wanting anyone to see him hurting. But over the last week he had taken on an almost haunted look in his eyes. His fear of nearly loosing his brother was becoming more than even the walls Donnie Eppes was known to build around his feelings could handle. It wasn't only Charlie who was going to be needing help understanding and getting past this, it was the entire family as well.