Not Letting You Go
Chapter 19
As Dr. Miller closed the door, Charlie pulled his feet up under him on the couch. He watched as the doctor proceeded to walk back to his desk, retrieve a file and note pad and then pull one of the leather chairs his parents had just vacated closer to the couch. Dr. Miller sat down facing Charlie and smiled.
The doctor watched his patient closely noticing that it seemed as if Charlie was trying to make himself as small as possible, by pulling his feet up under himself. As the doctor sat he also watched Charlie stiffen a bit. Dr. Miller spoke softly. "Charlie, as I said earlier, I'm Dr. Miller. I know you're nervous and probably a bit scared, but I want you to understand I want to help you, all right?"
Charlie finally raised his eyes to meet the doctor's gaze. Dr. Miller, getting his first really good look at Charlie, was instantly struck at how much younger than his thirteen years Charlie actually looked. Charlie didn't speak, so the doctor tried again. "I read the papers your parents filled out for me and I noticed you have a rather unique gift for numbers. Would you like to talk about that?"
The doctor noticed a spark in Charlie's eyes. As if he was contemplating some approach, but wasn't sure how to start, Charlie finally just shrugged his shoulders. That was something, wanting his patient to feel more comfortable Dr. Miller smiled, as he had a thought. "You know, I was never good at math myself. "The doctor sat back, noticing a slight roll of Charlie's eyes. "Didn't think I'd really ever needed it." Dr. Miller was tossing Charlie a line, hoping Charlie would take the bait. The doctor watched as Charlie's eyes seemed to come alive.
"Everything is numbers," Charlie whispered.
"How so?" Dr. Miller continued, "I don't think I us math that much. Maybe with my checkbook and a little here at the office, but that's about it."
Charlie couldn't help the chuckle that escaped. The doctor looked at him, "What?"
"You use math every day, for almost everything." Charlie sat up straighter. Dr. Miller smiled to himself; he knew if he'd gotten the door open, there was a good chance Charlie would walk the rest of the way through.
"How do you figure that?" Dr. Miller tried to sound unconvinced.
"How far do you live from here?" Charlie asked.
"About 35-40 miles, why?" The doctor watched as Charlie continued.
"How long does it take you to get here?" Charlie asked again.
"I don't know, I guess, depending on traffic, forty-five minutes to an hour." Dr. Miller watched as he could almost see Charlie's brain trying to work it out.
"Okay," Charlie spoke. "You figure how far you travel, right?" The doctor nodded. "You figure on how much time it takes to get here? Then you factor in the time of day; whether it's rush hour or not. You factor weather; whether it's raining or not. You adjust your time to factor in if you have any stops to make, right?" Charlie's eyes seemed to dance as he continued. "So you don't think any of that's about math, about numbers? It's all about numbers; time, distance, foreseen variables. You adjust your travel time accordingly and without even realizing it you've used math." Charlie smiled at the doctor's expression, he loved it when he could explain how numbers were truly everywhere.
"Wow!" Dr. Miller smiled, "I never looked at it that way."
"Most people don't." Charlie's voice dropped, along with his eyes. "Most people don't see things the way I do. So they don't understand what it's like." Charlie's expression turned to sadness.
"How do you see things Charlie?" Dr. Miller asked, seeing the veil slip some, to the inner Charlie.
"I don't know," Charlie started to fidget. "I see numbers in everything, nobody gets that. People try, but they never really get it." Charlie studied his fingernails intently.
"Like who Charlie? Who tries to understand, but doesn't?"
"My tutors. They try, but sometimes they get upset with me--like if I question the accuracy of something they're teaching. Others have gotten upset because I just know more than they do." Charlie's voice wavered some.
Dr. Miller nodded, "That's got to be tough."
Charlie slightly nodded his head. "Then there's those who don't even try to understand, that's worse." Charlie looked at the doctor. "Do you know what's it's like to have something so amazing in your head," Charlie pointed to his temple almost frantically, "but not be able to get it out where someone else can understand it?!" Charlie closed his eyes, he could feel himself getting upset. He knew this doctor wanted to help, but part of him was still feeling misunderstood. Charlie kept his eyes closed, taking deep breaths, he tried to focus on keeping himself calm. He allowed the image he had chosen back at home, in his room, to fill his mind. He allowed the image to wash through his being. This one thing he knew could keep him calm. So he sat.
The almost sudden, silent shut-down Charlie had just executed was a little unsettling for Dr. Miller. He knew some patients had coping strategies, but he had never had someone do the near-complete internal withdrawal he was witnessing now. He could tell Charlie was becoming upset, then he watched as Charlie closed his eyes. The doctor was almost getting the uneasy feeling that maybe Charlie wasn't aware that he was in the same room. "Charlie?" the doctor whispered, not wanting to startle him, "Charlie?"
It was almost another minute before Charlie opened his eyes. "Charlie? Are you okay?"
Charlie met the doctor's concerned gaze. "My mom told me to come up with something to focus on if I felt myself getting upset." Charlie looked apologetic.
Dr. Miller cleared his throat, "That's good Charlie. Is that what you were doing?"
"Yeah."
Not wanting to press, if Charlie didn't willingly want to share his coping mechanism, Dr. Miller asked his next question. "Charlie you said some people don't ever try to understand you, Who is that?"
Charlie's eyes drifted to the door. "People at school mostly, even some of the teachers. You know I'm gonna be graduating soon, but I'm only thirteen. I don't exactly have any friends my own age. Those at school who aren't leery of me because I'm smarter are…are mean to me because I'm smarter." Charlie's voice lowered to a near whisper, "Even Donnie." Charlie felt guilt wash over him as he thought about how much his brother had been there for him since that night. Dr. Miller noticed the look.
"Donnie's your brother right?"
Charlie nodded. "That wasn't a fair comment. Donnie's been there so much for me since everything happened…" The doctor could see the turmoil in Charlie's eyes, "But before."
"Before?" Dr. Miller was trying to prompt Charlie to continue.
"Before… I guess he treated me like someone he didn't care to understand." Charlie cleared his throat. "But he's trying now, I think."
Dr. Miller watched a multitude of emotions cross Charlie's face as he leaned forward. "Charlie, I want to ask you a really tough question, okay?" Charlie gave him a weary look. "Before now, how did you feel about your brother?"
Charlie looked everywhere in the room, but at the doctor, tears were forming in his eyes but had yet to fall. "Before now?" Charlie asked timidly. "I didn't think he liked me, or that he loved me. I thought he would like it better if I wasn't around messing up his life."
The doctor studied his patient closely. "What made you think you were messing up his life?"
"I took mom away from him. She has spent so much time with me, he hardly gets any of her time. I'm graduating with him, so I took that away from him too. We never talked, he never acted like he wanted me around, so I thought…" The tears finally made their escape from his eyes as they rolled down his cheeks past his quivering mouth. "I thought he'd be better off without me around. GOD!!" Charlie stood quickly and started pacing, "God I was wrong… How could I have put my family through what I did?"
As Dr. Miller watched Charlie moving about the room, he was hopeful that Charlie's indirect openness to his feelings was a good sign, as again the realization of what he had done that night became clear. The doctor was optimistic, that with time, he could get the child before him, as well as the family waiting, so willing to help, to understand. The feelings Charlie had that night and was possibly still having weren't wrong, but the actions he chose that night were.