Not Letting You Go

Chapter 20

Patience was never a virtue Donnie mastered. As time went by and the door separating him from his brother remained closed, he worried. He worried his baby brother was scared or upset and he couldn't help him. His parents had remained silent at his near-constant fidgeting, knowing it was his concern for Charlie fueling it.

After nearly an hour-and-a-half, the door finally opened and a surprisingly calm-looking Charlie emerged with Dr. Miller following behind. The family stood as they approached. Donnie stepped closer to his brother. "You okay Buddy?" His tone was cautious, full of concern.

Charlie gave his brother a reassuring smile, "Yeah Donnie, I'm good."

Dr. Miller turned his attention to Margaret and Alan. "This session went well. It took some time," he glanced at Charlie, "but we got to know each other some." The doctor watched as Donnie placed his hand on Charlie's shoulder. "I look forward to our next session." Looking back toward Margaret the doctor continued. "I'd like to see Charlie twice a week to start, then once the family sessions start that may change to once a week."

Margaret nodded, then spoke. "When will the family sessions begin?"

"I'll say probably in the next several weeks, that will give me a few sessions with Charlie. I'll also decide if I need to see any of you individually before those sessions start. Since today is Thursday, I'd like Charlie's next session on Monday, same time, if that's good for you?"

Margaret, glancing at Alan answered. "That will be fine. Thank you Dr. Miller." She shook his hand. Dr. Miller then shook Alan's.

Looking at Charlie, Dr. Miller gave his arm a light pat, "I'll see you Monday Charlie."

With that the family left, heading for an early dinner.

1212121212122

Over the course of the next few weeks; Alan returned to work and Donnie to school. Charlie's tutors had started coming again, but on a reduced schedule. Charlie's sessions with Dr. Miller continued and he seemed, slowly, to be returning to he his old energetic self. The week before the family sessions were to begin Dr. Miller had asked Alan and Margaret if it would be okay to have an individual session with Donnie. Having reviewed the notes Dr. Sanders had made on the older boy, and having heard Charlie's revelations on the brothers' relationship, he wanted to get his own read on Donnie. Margaret and Alan agreed; they both had been hopeful that Donnie too would get a chance to talk with someone, but knowing how their eldest son was with his emotions they weren't really sure if he would even open up with Dr. Miller. So this is what found the family again sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Miller's office. This time Charlie was waiting with them, while Donnie was the one inside the office.

Dr. Miller sat, watching the older boy across the desk from him. He was curious to see what he would be willing to reveal. Charlie had mentioned that Donnie was never very open with how he felt, except when he was angry. Charlie had also talked of the up-and-down relationship the boys had shared. He had admitted with some relief that since that night nearly two months ago, their relationship had become closer. Donnie had started listening and talking with Charlie more. In Dr. Miller's opinion, that in of itself had helped Charlie's recovery a great deal. Now, it was Donnie's turn. The doctor could see an underlying current in the young man's eyes, but he also was able to see the carefully constructed walls the boy had built around himself, just by his posture in the chair. It conveyed a 'I don't really need to be here, so why am I?' attitude.

Donnie was uncomfortable being watched as he sat across from the doctor. "So?" He finally said.

Dr. Miller watched closely. "How have you been doing Donnie?" His voice calm, but concerned.

With a bit of defensive sarcasm he answered. "Just fine. How about yourself?"

Dr. Miller eyed Donnie a moment. This brother required a totally different approach. Leaning forward a little, he decided to be a little less coddling and a little more blunt with Donnie. "Look, I know you probably don't want to talk to me. You probably think you've got it all under control, but I've seen you with your brother, when he's come in and out of these sessions. Yes, you've been reassuring to him, you've been supportive, but do you know what else I see?" Donnie's expression took on a half-amused look, seemingly disinterested in what the doctor was going to say. Dr. Miller continued, "I see another scared kid each time I open the door to that waiting room." Dr. Miller saw something flicker in Donnie's eyes, something that showed he was hitting closer to the truth than the teenager was willing to admit.

"Oh yeah?" Donnie leaned back further into the chair. Feeling the unease in the truth the doctor had just spoken. Still trying to remain his seemingly; composed, defiant self, he allowed a smirk to appear on his face. "and just what am I afraid of?" Donnie was putting on his brave face. He wasn't going to admit he was terrified each and every day, when his brother wasn't in his sight. He was afraid something would happen to him and Donnie wouldn't be able to help him.

The doctor held Donnie's gaze. "You're afraid you're going to open that door and your little brother is going to be on that floor again. You're still afraid you could loose him."

The change was almost instantaneous. Donnie's bravado was gone as he quickly stood and leaned angrily on the desk, "What would you know?" His voice was almost menacing.

Dr. Miller calmly controlled his answer. "I know Charlie was afraid he'd messed up your life. That you didn't care about him. He thought you'd be better off without him…"

Donnie slammed his hand down, "HE"S WRONG!" Donnie ran his hand through his hair and started pacing.

"How's he wrong Donnie?"

Donnie turned, looking at the doctor. "I've ALWAYS, always loved my brother, from the day he was born. Yeah…" he continued his pacing. "He'd get on my nerves, but that's what little brothers do, right?" Dr. Miller nodded. "I was afraid…" Donnie's words stumbled some. "I was afraid when we found out how smart he was. He didn't need me anymore, he didn't need me to teach him stuff, to show him things." Donnie's emotions were taking control and he hated that, but he couldn't stop them. "I felt he didn't need me anymore, so I withdrew from him. I didn't mean to, I just did. I didn't understand most of what he talked about, so I didn't even try." Donnie was across the room now, looking out the window, his voice lowered. "It was my fault."

Dr. Miller rounded his desk and was now leaning against it. "What was your fault Donnie?"

Donnie turned, the words coming out before he realized. "That Charlie tried to kill himself." Donnie froze. His eyes took on a complete and utterly terrified look. It was the first time he had said it aloud. In all the weeks that had passed, he had never said it aloud. Pure fear was in his voice as he looked at Dr. Miller. "Oh God! My baby brother tried to kill himself, because I pushed him away."

Somehow--later nobody clearly understanding how--Charlie had some how slipped into the room unnoticed. Whether it was hearing his brother's raised voice that drew him, or a deeper connection only two brothers could share; a 'knowing' so deep that one's pain was also felt by the other--regardless, something drew Charlie into the room. Silently he listened and watched as his big brother spoke those words, tears streaming down his face.

"It wasn't your fault Donnie." Charlie's voice broke the silence of the room. Dr. Miller and Donnie both turned, hearing Charlie's wobbly voice.

Dr. Miller finally spoke, "Charlie you're not supposed to be in here right now." There was no anger in the doctor's voice, just concern.

"Charlie?" Donnie's voice cracked at the sight of his baby brother.

Charlie ignored Dr. Miller and focused on Donnie. "I know I shouldn't be in here, this is your time, but I felt it here…" Charlie raised his hand to his heart, his eyes on his brother. "I knew that you needed me, just like you felt I needed you that night. You listened and came. I had to do the same." Dr. Miller watched in silence as Charlie neared his big brother. "Donnie, what I did wasn't your fault." Charlie stopped in front of Donnie. "I wasn't thinking. I was scared, I didn't think I had anyone to turn to, but I was wrong. I almost died--I did die." Charlie's voice wavered. "Because I was afraid to ask you for help. I know, I've always known, if I just asked you, you would help me." Tears silently rolled from both boys eyes. "I let my own judgment get messed up with self-pity. When I…" Charlie hesitated, then said the words they had all so far avoided, straightening his stand, lifting his chin a little. "When I tried to kill myself; that's on me. I couldn't see past myself at what I had. I had a family who cared about me and who loved me. Donnie…I had you!"

Dr. Miller was in awe of how much the younger boy had come to realize in their sessions. Now, he was so desperately trying to help his brother understand. The emotions of the moment was thick and heavy in the room, and the doctor stood in silence to see how it was handled by each brother.

Charlie reached for Donnie's face, brushing a tear aside. "Donnie you were there for me. You found me when I needed you the most. You came when you knew I needed you. Donnie you saved me from myself." With that Charlie stepped to his brother, putting his arms around Donnie's waist, burying his face into his brother's chest, Charlie whispered. "Thank you for saving me."

Donnie's resolve broke. He wrapped his arms around his brother tightly, holding on as if his life depended upon it. To some degree, Donnie felt it did. Donnie's emotions began to roll off him in strong waves; he felt his breath shudder, as the flood gates opened and the enormity of the past weeks hit him. He felt his knees buckle and his brother's grip tighten.

"Donnie!?" Charlie's panicked voice got Dr. Miller's attention as he rushed forward, helping Charlie get Donnie to the couch, just a few steps away. "Donnie?" Charlie voiced again, looking into his brother's eyes. Never had he seen his brother like this. It frightened him some, but also helped him understand the depth of his brother's feelings.

Donnie placed his hand behind Charlie's head. "I'm okay," he managed to get out between deep breaths. "We're okay?"

Charlie again embraced his brother whispering, "Yes, we are."

Watching from a few feet away, the doctor was surprised to find himself wiping his own tears. Never had he let his emotions get to him while with a patient. Yet what had just transpired was a once-in-a-career event and it left him feeling totally convinced that everything was going to be all right with his patients.