Part Four

I knew he was there. I could feel him. But I couldn't make myself turn around to see him. "Are you here because the spell worked or because you happened to be watching?"

"Does it matter?"

I wasn't sure I could handle talking to him. It had been so long, so many thoughts and emotions buried for so long. Where would I even begin? I rubbed my arms, shivering not from cold but from how scared I was at being there. My heart was pounding and the nausea I felt couldn't be blamed on the baby. All I wanted was to be orbed home but I remained frozen in my spot, staring past the ring of candles at the dark stain on the mausoleum's floor that I couldn't actually see from where I was standing.

"Phoebe?"

I couldn't stop the tears and my knees buckled. And suddenly I was wrapped in his arms. For the first time in years, I felt his arms around me and that only made me cry harder.

He didn't say a word as we knelt there; him holding me, smoothing my hair, and rubbing my back.

While all I could sob was, "I'm so sorry…"

At some point I heard him softly say, "I know, Phoebe, I know."

"How," I sniffled, allowing myself to remain in his embrace, "do you know? How is this possible? Why can't you leave?"

"Because I know you," he kissed the top of my head, "because the Fates can be kind, and because I don't want to."

I wasn't sure I heard right and pushed back to call him on it but all words flew from my head and I suddenly found myself grabbing his collar, pulling him close, and kissing him hard.

Lack of oxygen was probably the only reason I pulled away when I did. But I still held my arms loosely around his waist. I realized I didn't care how the spell actually worked. All that mattered was that Cole was there.

He gently pried himself free and made sure I sat there before he stood and turned away from me. "This was a mistake."

"I know," I agreed, touching my lips. How could I have done this to Coop? How could I have kissed Cole like that, like Coop didn't even exist, like the child I'm carrying doesn't exist?

Cole turned around, "I shouldn't have come."

"I shouldn't have called," I said at the same time, wandering over to the stairs. It was only going to hurt Coop, probably hurt Cole, and I'd certainly be caught in the middle. Wearily I sat on one of the steps and looked at Cole.

He moved closer, standing before me. "But since I'm already here…"

"Coop thought I needed to talk to you," I confessed. "You, uh, know about us, right?" I lowered my eyes to my lap. It was too hard holding his gaze. I remember how his emotions would affect the color of his eyes, from bright and clear to dark and smoldering and I couldn't let myself get lost in his eyes, not now.

"You found love again," he smiled as he tilted my chin up. "That's what I wanted for you."

"I wasn't sure it was possible. It took so long," I whispered, my eyes traveling down to the safety of his chest.

"I'm sorry I hurt you that badly, that I made you lose your self-confidence."

I reached for his hand. Too long since I last held it, I couldn't keep from touching it, lightly running my fingers across his palm, his knuckles, it was so amazing. I spoke in a distracted way, "I don't think I felt like I'd lost it because I did fall in love after you. I probably would've married Jason if things had turned out differently and later there was Drake who, well we didn't have nearly enough time but…"

I shook my head free from sad thoughts of how it ended with that charming Mercury Demon. "Until Coop came along and showed me, I hadn't even realized I was still holding back. Even with Jason and Drake, I'd actually been building a wall to protect my heart for when they'd inevitably be gone."

I shrugged, released his hand, and wrapped my arms around my knees, concentrating on the flickering glow of the candles I'd lit for the ritual. "Deep down I believed that that that's how love worked for me, never lasting, always aching. But Coop helped me. He helped me understand falling in love and staying in love and how to hold onto love."

"Are you sorry?"

He didn't specify but I knew he was talking about us. I stood on the step nearly eye-level with him and deliberately met his gaze. "I will never be sorry I fell in love with you, Cole. I was only sorry about how it ended, how badly hurt we both were."

"My fault," he apologized. This time, he was the one who looked away. He moved closer to the ring of candles.

Though I stepped down to ground level, I stayed near the stairs as I assured him, "Not completely. I was so scared after the whole Source thing. I couldn't see how we could be together without evil getting in the way and I wasn't open to any suggestions, must less ones coming from you. I loved you but I needed to be apart from you."

"Which I wouldn't accept," he sighed. "I regret so much of what I did after I left the Wasteland."

"If only I'd explained my feelings better," I said. "If only I'd been more patient, more understanding. If only I'd --"

"No," he spun around, "this is pointless. What's done is done, Phoebe. We can't change the past and it's too draining to think of the if-only's. Believe me, I know."

"If only I'd known you were here."

He shook his head, "To what end? I might no longer be insane but how is this helping?"

"Coop thinks I need to find closure with you."

"And you? What do you think?"

My eyes started stinging again and my voice cracked, "I think it's so very good to see you again."

I was gathered in his arms before my first tears fell. "I miss you too," he quietly said.

"I'm pregnant," I whispered.

"I know."

"It's brought back so many memories," I admitted.

"Good ones, I hope."

I nodded into his chest. "Just the other morning I dreamt about waking up to one of your massages. It turns out Coop was giving me one and I guess I wasn't awake enough and my subconscious was reliving that morning after I'd gone on a demon-vanquishing spree and you were trying to get back in my good graces for being away so much."

Obviously it wasn't easy for Cole either to recall his time as Source when he stiffened at my words. "It was --"

"Hormones," I interrupted, hoping to spare him some painful recollections. This wasn't the time to rehash how it all went wrong. "At least, that's what you attributed it to."

"Better that than the Queen of Evil betraying her own subjects," he quietly commented. "You made a formidable queen…my queen."

I nuzzled him and sighed, "There were moments when…" I let my thoughts trail away knowing he understood.

He nodded and kissed the top of my head, "Moments when we were together, good or evil, when it was perfect."

"Perfect," I agreed before glancing up and caressing his cheek. "I wanted that baby, our baby."

He returned the action with a sad smile, "But it wasn't our baby, was it?"

Again I felt his pain and regret so I squeezed my arms tighter around his waist. "I'm sorry you were ever put in that position. If you hadn't saved us from the Source and the Hollow --"

"The Source wouldn't have filled the void within me," he completed for me. "But what good would have come from letting you and your sisters die? Don't you see, Phoebe? I had no choice."

"If you knew what would happen, would you still…"

He didn't even hesitate, "To save you? Absolutely."

I hugged him tight as my eyes started tearing again. "I'm sorry, Cole. I'm so sorry you were caught in the middle."

"I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough," he whispered. "And I'm sorry you paid the price."

"We all paid the price," I corrected. "And you still are…"

I'm not sure how long we stood there holding each other, but eventually Cole released his arms and set me back a step. "At least it's all worked out. Everything for a reason, isn't that what your Grams taught you?"

I frowned, "So I should be grateful for the hell we went through?"

"If you hadn't, you might not have needed Coop in your life," he reasoned. "And you might not have met your destiny."

"There was a time," I pointedly told him, "I thought my destiny was you."

He smiled, barely touching my cheek with his palm. "Thank you."

He stepped over the candles into the center of the ring and my sadness grew as he turned transparent. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He shrugged, "If you recall, I hadn't been thinking too clearly at the end. Once I knew where I ended up, I needed time to adjust and so did you."

I nodded because he was right. At that time, I'd been filled with so much anger and bitterness that, had I known he'd been in limbo, I'm not sure I'd have been too sympathetic. "But later?"

"Later, you were moving on." He smiled sadly, "You were trying so hard and I thought if you only found love again, you would be okay."

I nearly slapped my forehead as I suddenly realized Cole was more than Piper's old friend, he was also Drake's little birdie. "You knew it couldn't end well if Drake was set on dying to fulfill his contract so how could you send him to me?"

He looked properly chastised as he explained, "Drake seemed a good match and I figured if you had even half the effect on him that you had on me, you would convince him to fight for his life. I am sorry you were hurt by his death."

He was so sincere; I couldn't help but shake my head and smile, "I love you."

"I know."

"Don't be quoting favorite movie lines to me," I warned with mock annoyance.

He grinned but quickly turned serious. "I'm at peace, Phoebe. That's the real reason."

"You're not torn between good and evil anymore. But aren't you lonely?" I wondered. His silence was my answer and my tears fell. "Oh, Cole…"

"Don't be sad for me," he requested. "I'm at peace and that's more than I could ever hope for. Besides, between the lost souls and keeping an eye on you, my existence is not utterly boring."

I rolled my eyes and sniffled before casually asking, "And just how often are you keeping an eye on me, anyway?"

"Often enough to know the highlights but not enough to be considered a stalker," he chuckled. "I love you, Phoebe. Be happy."

I reached my hand out to his as he faded and his last words echoed in the mausoleum. "I love you too," I whispered back.