When Dean woke up the next morning he was pleasantly surprised to find it felt like he'd had a really good sleep. He couldn't remember the last time that had happened, certainly it hadn't been since the deal. Most nights he dreamt vividly, spending his time either running from something or trying to find someone. He usually woke feeling tireder than when he'd gone to bed, but today he couldn't really remember dreaming at all and felt wide awake.

Glancing across at the other bed he saw Sam was still asleep so he got up quietly and went to the bathroom. When he went downstairs, Toby was in his customary place at the table, looking over the previous day's paper.

"Coffee's just fresh." he said, without looking up, and Dean grinned.

"Thanks. You want a refill?" he said and Toby nodded, handing Dean his mug without looking away from the article he was reading.

Dean filled Toby's mug and got one for himself, taking both over to the table and pulling out the chair opposite the older man to sit down. He enjoyed the comfortable silence for a moment, blowing on his coffee to cool it before he took a sip. After a few minutes Toby finished reading and put the paper down, picking up his own mug as he looked over at Dean.

"You look better." he said candidly and Dean raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not sure how to take that." he said, a hint of amusement on his face. Toby shrugged.

"Just meant you were looking tired yesterday, is all. You going to deny it?"

Dean found himself suddenly fascinated by the table top, idly noticing the layers of marks on the scrubbed surface. He wondered how many people had sat at that table, how many family dinners and hours spent doing homework. It must be nice, he reflected, to have something with that many memories attached to it. The closest he and Sam had was the Impala.

"Well?"

He looked up again, seeing Toby waiting patiently. He tried not to look too defensive.

"I was a little tired, yeah. It's hard to get a regular nights sleep in our job, you know that."

Toby wasn't surprised by the answer but they had time yet before either Jean or Sam were likely to surface and he did have previous experience at getting this young man to say what was really on his mind. He took another sip of coffee and settled into his chair more comfortably.

"Not just the job though, is it. Not now. You're thinking about this deal of yours."

Dean silently cursed the fact that there was yet another person who seemed to see more than he was comfortable with. He really was off his game these days.

"Sometimes, yeah. It's hard not to think about it, especially with Sam going on about finding a way out all the time."

"And you don't want him to."

Dean looked up at him.

"What? Bring it up all the time?"

"No, find a way out for you."

Dean sighed and leaned forward, hunching over his mug and absorbing the warmth from it to combat the sudden chill that had settled inside.

"It's not that simple."

"Then explain it to me."

Dean was silent for a moment, but Toby knew he'd reply when he was ready.

"There is no way out of this, Toby. Not without undoing the deal and having Sam die again. Which is not an option."

Toby flinched, glad that Dean wasn't looking at him to see the reaction.

"Are you certain about that?" he said, calmly, and Dean glanced up then back at the table.

"Not certain, no, but I'm pretty sure. I'm not going to risk it, even if there's the slightest chance. I can't."

"And what about Sam – does he know this?"

Dean nodded.

"Yeah, but he's going ahead anyway. I've tried everything, but he just won't quit. Honestly, I don't know what to do."

"There's probably nothing you can do. Think about it, would you quit if the circumstances were the other way around?"

"That's not the point."

"Then what is? I don't mean to have a go, but you gotta look at this from Sam's point of view. You're his brother, Dean. He's not going to be able to come to terms with losing you, no matter what the risk."

Dean felt the same stab of guilt that he'd been getting for months, ever since Sam had started going all out to find a way to save him. When it had first happened he'd been so relieved to see Sam alive, so touched by what his brother had said to him, that he'd actually dared to hope maybe it was possible. But the longer time went on and the more he thought about it, the less likely it seemed that it could be done without Sam paying the price. But it wasn't making it any easier, watching his brother go through it all.

"I know that, and I feel bad, I really do. But I can't say I'm sorry for what I did, I just can't. Maybe it was selfish, but I needed him alive. And he can get through this, he's stronger than he thinks."

Toby gave him a sad look.

"It's not about him being strong though, is it? You said yourself that you couldn't live with Sam dead. Why do you think he doesn't feel the same?"

Dean shifted uncomfortably.

"I'm not saying he doesn't care, I know he does. But I honestly don't believe that he won't be able to get past this. He survived when he went off to college, and we didn't even talk for two years then. He'll be ok."

"This is different though. This is final. And he's got the knowledge of where you'll be to contend with. I know you don't mean to do it, but maybe you're not giving Sam enough credit here. You're basically coming out and saying that he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him."

"I'm not!" protested Dean and Toby shrugged.

"Aren't you?"

Dean thought about it and realised suddenly that could be exactly what he was saying. It wasn't what he believed though. Of course it wasn't.

Was it?

Bobby's face suddenly came to mind, the look in his eye when he'd berated Dean for thinking his life only meant something if it saved Sam. He kept telling himself that wasn't what this was about, that he was plenty secure in how much his brother and John cared about him.

But was that really the truth?

He sighed. This was why he hated talking about things. You just ended up feeling worse than you had before you started.

Toby sensed Dean's guilt and pain, and sat forward fixing him with a compassionate look.

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just trying to get you to understand why it is Sam's not backing down on this one. Jean and I could see from the first time we meet you how close you boys are, so we understand why you did what you did and we don't condemn you for it. Nor does Sam, I reckon, not really. But you have to understand why he can't just let go. And maybe you have to stop trying to force him to."

"But I can't let him risk his life for this."

"The way you did for him? Shouldn't that be his choice? Look at it this way, you keep pushing at each other then you're gonna do more damage than anyone or anything else could. You'll end up driving yourselves apart and I don't reckon you or Sam could live with that either."

Dean looked up at him, showing a vulnerability he usually kept hidden from everyone.

"Of course not. But the truth is, I'm tired. I'm so tired of all this. Fighting and losing people. Doing my best and it never being enough. Honestly? The idea of moving on, maybe it's a relief. I'm not saying I'm not scared about where I'm going, of course I am, but part of me just wants to stop. This is all I've ever known, all Sam's ever known. Maybe when this is over he can go get that normal life he's always wanted. He'll have nothing holding him back."

"You think that's what you do?"

Dean didn't answer.

"Dean, I get that you need a break from all this and I don't blame you. I reckon no one deserves it more. But you can't sugar coat where it is you're actually going and you can't truly believe that Sam will be happy in that normal life without you there with him. You know deep down, that's just not true."

"I wish it was."

Toby got up and rested his hand on Dean's shoulder for a moment. He wished more than anything he had answers for the young man in front of him, but there were none. At least not any that Dean or Sam could live with right now.

He went over to the other side of the kitchen and emptied the coffee machine, refilling it since Jean and Sam would be up soon. It also gave Dean a moment to himself, to try and get a handle on the emotions that were swirling too close to the surface.

He'd half hoped that coming here might help, that perhaps they'd somehow leave with Sam having accepted everything and him feeling more at peace. But he could see that wasn't going to be the case and in reality, he wasn't all that surprised. He knew Toby was right, Sam wasn't going to let go of this, and he also knew that he couldn't let Sam jeopardise everything he'd worked so hard for.

It was a total Catch-22 position.

Maybe Toby's answer really was the only one they had right now - to stop pushing.

Dean really didn't want Sam's last memories of him to be of the two them fighting night and day, just as he didn't want that to be the final memory he took with him. Perhaps they simply did have to just agree to disagree, and try to take each day as it came. They had enough to deal with without being at each other's throats all the time. If he backed off a little hopefully Sam would too, and at the very least they could go back to just being brothers again.

Which was, if their most recent conversation was anything to go by, what Sam seemed to want too.

With perfect timing Dean suddenly heard footsteps on the stairs and he turned round as the door opened, the subject of their conversation walking in with a yawn.

"Morning, Sam." he said and Sam gave him a quick smile.

"Morning. Hey Toby." he said, sitting down next to Dean.

"Sam. Coffee?" said Toby, taking Dean's lead and acting like they hadn't just been talking about anything deeper than the latest sports scores.

"Yes, please. You're up early." Sam said, directing the last part at Dean.

"Yeah, well you know how good those beds are. Best sleep I've had since the last time we were here."

"Me too." Sam admitted.

He watched as Dean took his and Toby's mugs across for refills, sensing that everything wasn't quite as rosy as Dean was so keen to make it appear. He wondered if Toby had been talking to him about their situation and made a note to try and ask him later, if he got the chance. Maybe someone else would have more luck getting Dean to start fighting than he'd had so far.

"So when do you think your sons will arrive?" said Dean as he carried over two fresh coffees, handing one to Sam.

"I reckon they'll be here by 9:00. They know their Mom likes to make the most of the day. Speaking of which, I'll go take this up to her and see if there's anything needs doing. Although she'll probably just want us to keep out of her way." he said with a grin.

Alone in the kitchen Dean sensed Sam watching him and looked up.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just wondering what you and Toby were talking about."

"The Redsox."

"Very funny. Would it kill you to give a straight answer for once?"

Dean considered the question.

"I dunno, but do think we should risk it?"

Sam look unamused and drank some of his coffee.

"Fine, don't tell me. I just hope he was talking some sense into you."

Dean wisely kept quiet in light of his recent conclusions.

"So you ready to meet the family?" he said, changing the subject, and Sam looked a little apprehensive.

"I guess."

"Don't look so worried, it'll be fine." said Dean, not sure who he was trying to convince the most.

They both looked up as Toby came back in.

"Jean'll be down in just a minute. I don't suppose you boys would mind chopping some extra wood for me, before breakfast? They reckon it's gonna get colder and I don't want to be caught short."

"Of course, no problem." said Dean, glad to have something to do to help.

"Great. I'm going to go check on a neighbour of ours, Mrs Wilson. She lives on her own and we like to make sure she's doing ok. Jean made her some dinner for today, so I need to take that over anyway." Toby said, going to the fridge and pulling out several containers.

"That's nice of you. You sure it's just the wood you need sorting out?" said Sam and Toby nodded.

"Yeah, that'll do it. Everything else is taken care of. Dean, you remember where everything is?" he said and Dean nodded.

"Alright then. I'll see you boys in a little while."

They stood up as Toby left, rinsing their mugs in the sink and grabbing their jackets on the way out.

They shivered a little as they headed for the shed. Toby had been right about the temperature dropping.

"You think it really will snow today? It'd be kinda early." said Dean, looking up at the clouds, and Sam smirked.

"Why, you after making a demon snowman again?"

Dean looked over his shoulder and grinned.

"Hey, you were right there with me so don't go acting all mature. Besides, that was an awesome snowman."

"Of course it was. Maybe Jean & Toby have got a sled they could let you play with later as well."

Dean ignored him, unlocking the shed and picking up the axe.

"I'll chop, you stack." he said and Sam rolled his eyes.

"How did I know I'd get stuck with the heavy lifting?"

"Well, you have got the old psychic mojo going on. Maybe we could rent you out, get a little extra money for ourselves."

"How about you get on with this before I find something else to do with that axe."

Dean just grinned as he picked up the first log and swung the blade.