WARNING -- This chapter abuses Haji to an extreme. DO NOT read if you are squeamish to this poor little emo dude's pain.

Disclaimer: Q -- Do I own Blood +? A -- Not a chance in hell.

CHAPTER 3

"Do you know how to work a camera?" asked Karl, looking sheepish.

"To some extent..." Solomon replied warily.

"Well, can you make this one work for me?" Karl asked, depositing a lump of smoking plastic in Solomon's lap.

"What the holy hell did you DO to it?!" Solomon asked, in shock.

"Well it was fine until I went sky-diving with it and dropped it into a volcano and then the volcano erupted and it came back out, and then Bigfoot ate it, but then he spit it back up, and then it was trampled by the wild hicks in the trailor park nearby who had heard there was a sale at Wal-Mart, and then it exploded." Karl said in one breath.

"How are we going to tape our show now?" Solomon asked.

"With the power of our minds?" Karl suggested. "I DO have a photographic memory." Solomon raised an eyebrows. Karl closed his eyes and said,

"You have blue streaks in your hair, don't you?"

"Oh, THAT'S impressive." Solomon said sarcastically. "REALLY impressive."

"Heyyyy, girlfriends!" Nathan cried, popping up in a shower of neon pink flowers. Solomon hid the trashed camera behind his back.

"...Where did the flowers come from?" Karl asked.

"Oh, that's just my AURA, baby! It's so great it's TANGIBLE!!" cried Nathan.

"Why so happy?" Solomon asked uneasily.

"Because I live in full knowledge that we have a good, working camera and it's safe and sound and not a unusable hunk of plastic!" Nathan cried happily, skipping off. Solomon glared at Karl, who was twitching slightly.

AT THE MALL

"People are staring at us." Karl whimpered, hiding behind Solomon.

"Gee, I guess that's because you're a man WEARING A DRESS!" Solomon exploded, shoving Karl away. "Thank holy God we didn't bring Nathan..."

"Where do they sell cameras?" Solomon continued, while Karl sniffled sadly beside him. They walked by a group of teenagers who were hanging around pretending not to smoke pot.

"Hey, nice dress!" one of them yelled at Karl.

"Well, your mom!" Karl yelled back, still stinging from Solomon's criticism and this new insult.

"What about my momma?" the kid asked, stepping out of his group.

"You heard me!" Karl said. "Yo momma so ugly not even her Rice Krispies want to talk to her!"

"Ooooo!" all the kids 'ooo'-ed like apes.

"Oh, God..." sighed Solomon, dropping his head into his hands.

"Well yo momma so old she owes Jesus three bucks!" the kid yelled back.

"Ooooo!"

"Yo momma so stupid she studied for a drug test!"

"Ooooo!"

"Yo momma so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning!"

"Oooo!"

"Yo momma so stupid, when a school bus fulla white kids drove by her, she ran after it yelling 'stop the Twinkie!"

"Ooooo!"

The kid fumbled for a moment and then ran away crying.

"Oh, yeah! Karl wins, bitches!" Karl exclaimed, busting a...move? All the kids cheered. Solomon sighed again and dragged Karl away by his girly hair.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Karl yelped. "Let go! Let go! Let go!" Solomon reluctantly let him go. They were standing beside the food court, where a familiar figure was sitting.

"Isn't that..." Karl began. "Oh Uncle Harvey! I've missed you!"

"No, idiot, that's Saya's chevalier." Solomon said.

"Oh..." Karl said sadly, shuffling his feet. "Uncle Harvey, I swear to the heavens above, I will find you!" He raised his fist to the sky and struck a dramatic pose.

"Oh for Pete's sake..." sighed Karl's Uncle Harvey, sitting on a cloud and playing a harp in the sky. "Give up, you stupidshit boy!"

"Look at him...just sitting over there soaking up all of Saya's stripper-tastic-ness." Solomon said, shaking his head.

"...Stripper-tastic-ness?" Karl asked.

"Yes! Stripper-tastic-ness!" yelled Solomon. "That's what I said!"

"Jeez...okay, okay..." Karl backed off.

"You know what I've always wanted to do to him?" Solomon asked. Karl's eyes bulged.

"I didn't know you swung that way..." he said uneasily.

"No, idiot! Listen!" Solomon yelled, beginning to whisper in Karl's ear.

ONE HALF-ASSED EVIL SUB-PLOT LATER

Karl and Solomon, wearing fake mustaches and pushing garbage cans, strolled around the food court, whistling a tune. They INCONSPICULOUSLY strolled past Haji and Saya, who were sitting at a table having their own personal little flashbacks.

"...And that's when I lost my virginity to a toothbrush..." Saya thought.

"...And that's when I used the toothbrush to brush my teeth that had been up Saya's...yeah..." Haji thought.

Karl and Solomon INCONSPICULOUSLY dumped thirty bucks worth of Red Bull into Haji's drink. He...didn't notice.

"How the HELL did he not notice that?" wondered Solomon out loud. "That was pretty damn CONSPICUOUS."

They moved to a position where they could watch...and wait. Soon, Haji had drunk his drink. Drinked his drink? Drinken his drink? Ahem. He poured it down his throat, okay?

Nothing happened for a moment.

Then, suddenly, crazed, high pitched laughter echoed all around the open area of the food court. Haji began to vibrate impossibly until he was only a blur. He bounced off tables and counters, mowing down the old and the frail.

His reign of terror ended when he exploded. Bits of Haji rained all over the unsuspecting people of the mall. One of his fingers landed in a woman's Wendy's chili.

"I'm suing!" she exclaimed.

"Oh...fudgernutters." Solomon and Karl said in tandem before racing off into the mall.

LATER

"I can't help think that we forgot something..." Karl said uneasily.

"It's just your imagination." Solomon dismissed.

"No! We forgot the buy a camera!" Karl cried in horror. They both fell over backwards and stayed that way.

"We are failures in everything we do." sighed Solomon.

"At least I still have my photographic memory." said Karl, closing his eyes. "Right, Amshel?"

Solomon shook his head sadly at Karl's stupidity.

AT HAJI'S FUNERAL

"He was a good man. Kind of brain-washed, sure. Kind of obsessed with pleasing me, sure. But no-one was as creepy and as slave-ish as he was, at the end of the day. Also, no-one talked less. And...had less emotion. The point is, our friend...what was his name again?" Saya said, standing at a black podium. Kai ran up and whispered in her ear.

"Ah, yes. Good old Haji." Saya said sadly, shaking her head, as Kai ran back to his seat.

"I thought he kind of sucked!" someone from the crowd called. Everyone generally agreed and went out for pizza.

AT CICI'S PIZZA

"Try our new selection! Pizza with...broken glass on top!" cried a pepped-up young woman in a Cici's pizza uniform.

"...Overdoing it?" wondered David out loud, as Saya and Lewis began to fight over the broken-glass pizza.

"Hey! This has rusty nails on it!" Riku cried unhappily, spitting out a tooth.

"Is this legal?" wondered someone.

"Is anything anymore?" someone else countered.

"This...this chapter is going to end now before it makes even less sense than it does now." said David, nodding and knocking out the author. He took her keyboard for good measure.