"Stella."
She stopped as she was passing his office and walked in, keeping her face carefully blank.
"Yeah?"
"Close the door, please."
She knew what was coming, and she didn't want to hear it. But she also knew that saying that wouldn't make things better, so she shut the door firmly before turning to face him.
"I was hoping we could talk," he said quietly.
She held up a hand. "Mac, you don't -"
"I do," he said firmly. When she didn't argue with him, he came around the desk, sitting on the corner of it. "Do you want to sit?" he asked, gesturing toward the chair in front of him.
"I'm fine."
Mac nodded, understanding. For a minute they just stood there, not talking, not looking directly at the other. For Stella, it seemed to stretch into eternity, and she suddenly felt as though she'd been standing there forever, just waiting for him to do something. When he finally did, she found that it wasn't what she had been anticipating.
"Michelle and I worked things out."
The words hit her like an avalanche. She had steeled herself for this talk, knowing that it was coming sooner or later. Mac could never just let something like that kiss go - it must have been eating away at him for the past few weeks.
She suddenly realized that he was waiting for her to say something. And for the first time, Stella knew with absolute certainty that she and Mac could never be anything more than friends.
"Are you happy?" she asked quietly, trying to keep her voice from shaking.
"Yes."
She gave him a sad smile, her eyes watering against her will as her heart broke all over again. "Then I'm glad for you," she whispered.
Something must have shown in her eyes, because Mac frowned, pushing away from the desk and taking a step towards her.
"Stella -"
Backing up a step, she held up a hand to stop him. "Please," she said. "It's okay, Mac."
She saw it in his face, realization dawning on him slowly as he finally saw all the things he had been missing over the past few years.
"Stella," he said again. "I'm sorry."
She shrugged, edging towards the door. "It's not your fault. I just...I need you to give me some space, Mac. It's going to take some time to get over this."
He nodded, but she could see the pain in his eyes. Stella knew then that he had never meant to hurt her, that he had never even suspected that she had feelings for him. Smiling at him again and ignoring the tear that ran down her face, she stepped forward and paced a light kiss on his cheek.
"Don't worry, Mac," she whispered. "You're still one of my best friends."
With that, she turned and left the office, closing the door firmly behind her.
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Mac walked over to Don's desk, noticing the tightness around the younger man's eyes. It seemed that the entire team was drowning in tension lately, but their work hadn't suffered in the least, and it didn't seem as though anyone outside of the office had noticed. Flack's pain was palpable, though he didn't say anything. Mac had tried to talk to him more than once, but every time he got the cold shoulder, with Don mumbling something about everything being fine.
"Do you have that report for me, Don?"
He didn't even look up. Snatching a few papers off of his desk, he handed them to Mac, seemingly engrossed in whatever else he was doing.
"Is everything alright, Flack?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure? Because I can't help but think that I've done something to upset you."
Finally glancing up, Flack opened his mouth to respond, but a movement behind Mac caught his eye and he stopped for just a moment in hesitation. Then his eyes flicked back up to the older detective and he shrugged.
"Don't worry about it, Mac," he said, his voice heavy with fatigue.
But Mac had seen Don glance over, and he had seen that the figure that had caught his attention was Stella. Slowly, things began to fall into place. He sighed, lowering his voice.
"I never meant to hurt her."
Flack stood up suddenly, knocking it back. "Yeah, well, ya did!" Struggling to control himself, he leaned in, pointing his finger directly at Mac's chest. "You used her, and you broke her heart. You were so caught up in your own shit that ya never even thought about what she was goin' through."
"I didn't mean to, Don," he repeated quietly.
Flack sighed, his anger dissipating. "It doesn't matter now, does it? We almost never mean to, Mac. But we do. We do."
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Stella looked up from her book at the knock on her door. As soon as her shift was over, she had gone home, taking a hot bath and opening a bottle of wine. Her plans for the rest of the night involved curling up on her couch, and she wasn't happy that someone had decided to interrupt her. Despite her initial desire to ignore it, though, she got up. It might be Flack, and she was always willing to see him -
"Hey, Stella."
The older woman just stood there, staring at her. It had been more than three months since Flack had told her about the kiss, and she had done her best to avoid Lindsay in any personal manner since. She knew that it was mean - perhaps even cruel - to cut her off without telling her why. But she had been so angry at Lindsay's recklessness, at her disregard for other people's feelings. Whether she had known about Flack's feelings or not was irrelevant. She had been trying to hurt Danny, and had used Don to do it. Every time Stella thought about the pain she had seen in Don's eyes, rage built up inside of her. And now Lindsay was standing in front of her, a wary expression on her face.
"Hey."
Lindsay shuffled her feet. "Can I come in?"
Stella knew she couldn't just slam the door in her face. Taking a deep breath, she stood aside, letting her into the apartment. She turned slowly once Lindsay was inside, not entirely sure what to say or do.
"I know you're mad at me."
Stella frowned. "What?"
"I know you're mad at me," Lindsay repeated. "I even know why. At least...I think I do." She paused, looking down at the floor for a moment before raising her eyes again. "I didn't mean to hurt him."
Stella gave a hollow laugh. "Yeah, well. There seems to be a lot of that going around these days. Hell, I'm sure Danny didn't mean to hurt you."
Lindsay looked at her sharply. "That's not the same."
"Isn't it, though?" She sighed. "What are you doing here, Lindsay?"
"I came because...because I needed someone to talk to. Because I miss my friend. God, Stella! I have nowhere else to go with this!"
At the desperation in Lindsay's voice, Stella's resolve began to soften. Sighing, she moved to the kitchen.
"You want some wine."
Lindsay gave her a small smile. "I'd love some."
Nodding, Stella poured another glass of wine and brought it back into the living room. Then she gestured for Lindsay to sit next to her, and for awhile the two women drank in silence. Finally, Lindsay finished her glass and set it on the table in front of them.
"I've been spending a lot of time with Hawkes."
"I noticed." Lindsay frowned at her, and she shrugged. "Just because I've been mad at you doesn't mean I've gone blind."
The younger woman nodded. "He's been a good friend. After Danny...and then Flack...and then you...I had no one else. I'm really grateful for him."
"Then why aren't you talking to him?"
"Because he's what I need to talk about. Stella...I think he might have feelings for me." She grimaced. "God, that sounds so pretentious."
"Do you have feelings for him?"
"I don't know."
Stella set her glass down, and saw that her hand was shaking. "You're unbelievable."
Lindsay frowned. "What?"
"You. You jump from one guy to the next, as though your actions don't have any consequences. Do you even think about their feelings?"
"I...I don't know what you're talking about -"
"God, do you have any idea how selfish you are?"
That was too much for Lindsay. She stood up, staring down at her friend in disbelief. "Who the hell do you think you are!? I came to you for advice - not to be talked down to!"
"You want advice?" Stella asked, standing up as well. "How about you stop stringing these guys along just so you can deal with your own pain!"
"What are talking about?"
"Hawkes and Flack! God, you're so wrapped up in yourself that you don't even see it, do you? Flack is in love you. It was hard enough for him to watch you fall for his best friend, but then to try and use him to hurt Danny -"
Lindsay's face fell and her voice was small. "I didn't know -"
"And Hawkes!" Stella raged on, unable to stop herself now that she was really going. "Who are you kidding? You don't have feelings for him! You're still in love with Danny!"
Her eyes hardened. "That's not fair."
"But it's the truth. And you have no right to drag these two through hell while you try and figure out what you want."
Lindsay nodded, her eyes full of tears. "I'll go," she murmured.
"Lindsay, wait."
But the other woman just kept walking, letting herself out of the apartment without another word.
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"You look like shit," Danny commented as he sat down.
Flack glared at him. "Thanks."
"I mean it. I know why I look like shit. I cheated on the best thing that ever happened to me. What's your excuse?"
Don sidestepped the question. "How's that goin'? Monroe talkin' to you yet?"
Danny sighed. "If it's about a case, it's almost like nothin' ever happened. But the second I try to take it any further...I miss her."
"She misses you too, Messer. She just needs time."
"You think she'll actually give me another chance?"
Flack shrugged, his eyes dull. "You two fit. For better or worse, I don't think either of you belongs with anyone else."
Danny watched his friend for a long moment. "C'mon man...what's eatin' you? We come here every few days, and you listen to me bitch about my problems, but you don't even tell me what's got you so down."
Don stared at his beer, thinking. "You ever want somethin' so bad, that it's all you think about? And then suddenly realize that you want somethin' completely different?"
"We're talkin' about a woman, right?"
Flack sighed. "I don't know what we're talkin' about anymore." His cell phone rang, and he frowned as he pulled it out of his pocket to answer it. "If this is work, I swear...Hello? Yeah...yeah...are you sure? Yeah, I'll be right there." He snapped the phone shut, throwing a few bills onto the bar. "I gotta go."
"Somethin' wrong?"
"That was the bartender over at Finnigan's. Apparently Stella's wasted."
"You need help."
"Nah, man. I got it." He clapped Danny on the back. "Thanks, though."
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He found her sitting in a corner booth, her head in her hands, a half-empty glass in front of her. She looked so empty, so...defeated, that it hurt him to watch her. Stella had always been the strong one, the one to survive anything that life threw at her. And now it wasn't a homicidal boyfriend or a bullet that was dragging her down, but a tangle of emotions that all of them were trapped in. Moving forward, he quietly took a seat next to her.
"Go away," she said, not picking her head up.
"Can't do that, Stell."
She looked up at the sound of his voice, her eyes wide with surprise. "It's you," she said softly.
"Who else would it be?"
She shrugged. "One of the many other people that I have no desire to see right now?" She gave him a small smile. "But I always want to see you."
Don returned the smile, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her against him. "How much have you had to drink, Stell?" he asked gently.
"Too much."
"You ready to go home?"
She nodded, and he gently helped her out of the booth. They stopped at the bar on their way out so that he could pay her bill, and then he led her outside, a cool breeze whispering through her hair. Holding her close against his side, Flack moved them down the street toward his car.
"You're warm," Stella murmured, burying her face in his shirt.
"You cold?" When she nodded, he stopped next to the car and shed his jacket. Then he wrapped it around her shoulders, running his hands up and down her arms. "There ya go."
Stella leaned against him, resting her head against his chest as she breathed him in. "You're so good to me, Don."
He held her against his body, squeezing her tightly. "That's what friends are for, Stell."
They stood like that for a long time. Don's body was warm, and soon that warmth spread into Stella. She relaxed against him a little more, her hands drifting to his sides. Slowly, she let her fingers move up and down, a thrill running up her spine at the way he shivered and held her closer. Moving her head up just a little, she kissed his neck, letting her tongue dart out and taste him.
Flack froze. "Stell..."
He was sure that he was going to lose his mind. Stella let her mouth drift up and down his throat, licking and kissing the skin as her hands tightened on his sides. The sensations were causing his nerve endings to explode, and even as he tightened his hold on her to push her away, he found himself pulling her closer. He knew that he had to put a stop to this, that he couldn't lose her as a friend, that this couldn't end well. They were both still hurting so much, that neither of them was thinking straight. That's what he needed to tell her, and he opened his mouth to do just that.
But then she found that spot right behind his ear lobe, and instead of words, Flack let out a low moan. Spinning her around, he pinned Stella against the car, enjoying the feel of her body touching every inch of his. She loosened his tie and undid the top buttons of his shirt, letting her mouth drift down onto his chest.
"You want me," she whispered, her voice awed. "You want me, too."
He did; he had no choice but to admit that to himself now. But that didn't change what he had to do. Closing his eyes, he threaded his fingers through her hair, pulling her head back until she was looking at him.
"We can't do this, Stell."
Her eyes were full of tears. "Why not?" she asked, her voice breaking. "We could make each other feel better."
"We can't -"
"And you want me too, Donnie. I can see it in your face. You want me."
Closing his eyes, Flack kissed her forehead. "Not like this. I can't lose you, Stell. Please...I can't lose you."
She stared at him for a minute, but then let her head fall back to his chest. "I'm sorry."
Don held her closely, running his hands through her hair. "Shhh. Don't worry about it."
"Take me home, Donnie."
"Yeah."
Slowly untangling himself, he opened the passenger side door and helped her in, buckling her seat belt. The drive to her apartment was quiet, and as he pulled up in front of her building, Flack realized that she had fallen asleep. Getting out of the car, he moved over to her side, unbuckling her and lifting her up. It wasn't easy to maneuver his spare key with her in his arms, but he managed to get her upstairs and into her bedroom without waking her up. Laying her down on the bed, he slid her shoes off and covered her up, letting his hand drift over her face.
Walking out into the living room, he realized just how tired he was, too. Knowing she wouldn't mind, Flack kicked his shoes off and grabbed a blanket and pillow out of the hall closet. And as he stretched out on the couch and closed his eyes, he wondered how they had all managed to tangle themselves so badly.
