The One With The Terrible Baby Names

A/N: Here it is… By the way, I may find it difficult to find the time to work on the coming episodes as I have important exams coming up, but I'll do my best. By the way if there are tonnes of spelling mistakes in this episode, could you let me know? Onlt the damn spellchecker isn't working, thanks.

Summary of ep4: Ross, Rachel and Joey get a surprise visitor, whilst Mike and Phoebe do their best to come up with ideas for some baby names.

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Ross bounced Emma on his lap whilst he watched TV. Rachel was sat next to him on the sofa and, as Joey was out, it was just the three of them. Rachel stared at her magazine without really seeing it. She looked up after a while and turned to Ross, "Hey, Ross, I've uh, I've been wondering, do you ever think about, uh, about other kids?"

Ross frowned, "Other kids? You mean like, like kids that, that aren't uh, aren't Emma or Ben?"

"Yeah, you know kids, kids we could maybe have in the future," Rachel said, as innocently as possible.

Ross let out a strangled laugh, "Kids, uh you, uh, want kids?"

Rachel frowned slightly, "Well, yeah one day. Don't you?"

Ross stared at Rachel for a moment; in truth he was confused, he didn't think she wanted to get married (at least not yet) and yet here she was talking about kids. "Uh, Rach, I don't know if we're in the right place for kids, I mean, it - it's already a bit crowded with Joey living here too."

Rachel nodded, "Yeah I know, but you know I wasn't talking about right now, I mean in the future, you know when we're married and stuff."

"Oh, You want more kids and a, uh, a marriage?" Ross said, amazed.

Rachel shrugged, "Sure… one day."

Ross nodded, "One day." Rachel went into the bedroom, leaving Ross with something to think about, he stared at Emma who grinned at him.

Just then Joey appeared home, "Hey man."

"Hey," muttered Ross. "Good night?"

"I'll say, scored with this girl, she had the hugest breasts," Joey said.

"Yeah, she nice? You thinking 'bout getting it serious like I told you?" asked Ross.

"Oh," Joey shrugged, and thought about. "She is nice I guess, and the breasts would sure help out a lot ."

Ross smiled, "Uh, help out for what exactly?"

"You know, having kids." Joey said, rather as if it was obvious. Ross looked confused. "Big boobs mean more milk."

Ross nodded, "Right."

Opening Credits

Mike and Phoebe were sat down on the couch in their apartment, mike was bent down over Phoebe and was what looked to be talked to her stomach, "So, when you come out I will…" He looked up at phoebe, sighed and asked, "Do I really have to do this?"

"Yes," Phoebe insisted. "She needs to know your voice."

"You're not talking to it, and what makes you think it's a girl?"

"Eglantine knows my voice because I talk to her all the time, and I just know she is a girl because why would you call a boy Eglantine?" Phoebe said.

"Eglantine?"

"That's her name."

"Uh, since when?" Mike said, laughing.

"Since I decided I liked the name," Phoebe said, bemused.

Mike shook his head, "We cannot name our child Eglantine."

"Why not?"

"Because all that would cause is a lifetime of being picked on by the class bully."

"What? Don't be crazy, Eglantine is a nice name!"

"No way!" Mike sighed, "Alright, tell you what how bout you and me each come up with six names - three boys and three girls - and we look at each others list tonight to see if we agree on any."

"Fine," Phoebe said. "But you know I don't think you need to make yours because I have excellent names right here in my head. You know, like Akasha, and Marcello… ooh and Quintina! Oh, we've got to name our kid Quintina!"

Mike raised his eyebrows and nodded, "Yeah, I'm gonna make a list... just in case those don't work out."

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It was the following day and Chandler and Joey were both sat at the coffee house, although Chandler couldn't help noticing at they talked that Joey was looking a little down. "Hey man, you okay?"

"Yeah, it's just… it's just something Ross was talking about the other day," Joey muttered, staring at the cup of coffee in his hand.

"Oh yeah, he bin bugging you about fossils again, huh?" Chandler said. "I'm tellin' you that's just what you get for living with Ross."

"No, no it's not that. It's – Well I'm, I'm never gonna have what you have."

"You mean my incredible good looks and a stunning charm to boot," said Chandler with a smile.

"Yeah right!" Joey said through waves of laughter. "No, actually I mean what you and Monica have, and Ross and Rachel, and Phoebe and Mike. I'm never gonna have that with someone."

Chandler frowned, "Ross said that?"

"Well no, he said 'I'll get it one day'."

Chandler nodded, "He's right. I'm sure you will."

"Yeah," Joey said incredulously. "With who? Who could I get that with?"

Chandler shrugged, "Uh, what, what about that woman with the big boobs you went out with last night."

"Yeah, I don't know if big boobs are the way to go, you know. I mean, maybe I need someone who's intelligent and sophisticated in a way other than really big breasts... you know?"

"Really?" asked Chandler amazed.

Joey stared down in thought for a moment, then quickly shook his head, "Nah, big boobs is definitely the way to go."

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Monica was just sitting down to watch some TV, as Chandler had taken the twins to the park, when Phoebe arrived. "Hey," she said sitting down next to Monica. "You mind if I hang out here for a while? I need to write out this list of possible baby names."

"Sure. You want me to help you?" asked Monica.

"Oh, that'd be fun," nodded phoebe. "But no."

"No? Why not?"

"Well, no offence, but I think your baby names would just be a bit too, well you know, plain."

"Plain? What are you talking about? My names would not be too plain! My names would be the opposite of plain! I mean come one, Erica and Jack aren't plain names."

"Well maybe, but they're not, you know, extraordinary names. You know like Maximo, or - or Zayden!"

"Fine," Monica muttered. "Well, what've you got so far?"

"Oh okay," Phoebe looked down at her notebook and began reading the names off. "Okay, for a boy there's: Toynal, Jokona and Stackanana."

"What? Are, um are they even real names, I mean did you read them in a book or…?"

"No, I made them up."

"You made them up?" Monica said, exasperated.

"Well yeah, I figure names that come from the mother are much more personal, you know," Phoebe said, knowingly.

"But, but you can't do that, it's, it's just so…"

"So what? What's so bad about Stackanana Hanigan?"

"Look, the names are just a bit, well, they're really, really out there."

"Oh please, none of those names are that bad at all. And none of my names for a girl are bad either; I mean come on, little girl Horn-cocky Hanigan. Is that cute or what!"

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It was later that afternoon and Ross and Rachel were at their apartment. Ross was marking some university papers and Rachel was sitting on the sofa reading a magazine. Ross dropped down the papers for a moment and looked at Rachel, "Honey?"

"Yeah?" she muttered, not looking up from her magazine.

"Um well," began Ross. "I was thinking about what we were talking about yesterday, about kids, and I –" he was interrupted however by Emma crying from the next room.

"Hold on honey," Rachel muttered and rushed into the bedroom to Emma.

Ross sighed, and was about to go in the bedroom to carry on the conversation with Rachel when he was again interrupted, this time by the door.

Ross sighed again, wondering whom it could be, and went over to open it. He was surprised to find Rachel's sister Jill standing there. "Jill? Oh my god, uh hi," he said amazed.

Jill stared at him with a slight frown on her face, "Um, I'm sorry to bother you, does a Rachel Green live here, do you know? Or have I got the wrong building?"

"No, no. Rachel lives here."

"Oh thank god," she muttered, going inside, throwing her coat on Ross and collapsing onto the couch. "I went to that place she used to live and there was no one there, so then I was looking everywhere and I was, all like, asking all these people – god some people are rude – and I finally someone told me this is where she lives!"

Ross nodded, "Yeah, well it's, uh, great to see you again anyway."

"Again?"

"Yeah, you know, as in… once more…"

"We've met before? When? I didn't think Rachel had a butler before."

Ross stared in amazement at Jill, "I'm Rachel's boyfriend."

Jill frowned and looked about to say something but their conversation was cut short by Rachel arriving from the bedroom, with Emma on her hip, "Jill!" she exclaimed, seeing her sister. "Wow, what - what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see you of course!" Jill said, giving Rachel a hug. "Hey, you didn't tell me you were dating your butler."

"What? No, no, Ross isn't my butler, he's just my boyfriend," Rachel said, laughing.

Ross nodded, but Jill turned and frowned at him, "You're not a butler?"

"No," said Ross.

"Then what's with all this?" she indicated his clothes, waving her hands around his shirt.

"What's wrong with my clothes?"

"Oh… nothing, they're… nice," muttered Jill. "So is this you're little boy?" she indicated Emma.

"Um, girl," said Rachel, put out.

"Are you sure because Amy said it was a boy."

"Yeah, well as much of an expert that Amy is, we're pretty sure she's a girl," said Ross.

Jill turned to Rachel, "How does the butler know so much about your baby?"

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Ross, Rachel and Jill entered Central Perk around twenty minutes later, to find Chandler sitting alone with the twins close by in their pram. "Hey," greeted Ross.

"Hey," Chandler nodded.

"You remember my little sister Jill," said Rachel, with her hand on Jill's shoulder.

"Sure, hi," Chandler said and Ross, Rachel and Jill took a seat next to him.

Just then, Joey walked in from the bathroom and went over to get himself a coffee from Gunther behind the counter. Jill gasped, "Oh my God! Rachel, don't look now but Dr Drake Ramoray just used the bathroom here!"

Rachel laughed, "Oh yeah, that's just Joey, he's a friend of ours."

"What? Since when?" Jill demanded.

"Since forever. He's been our friend for years now."

"You mean you are friends with Drake Ramoray and you never even told me! Rachel, how can you be so selfish?" Jill said, shocked.

Joey walked over with his coffee over to the others on the orange sofa. Rachel grinned at him, "Uh, hey Joey. You know my sister, right?"

"Sure," Joey said with a smile, then he leant over to Rachel and whispered, "She the nice one?" Rchel nodded. Joey grinned, "Jill, right?"

Jill giggled and whispered in Rachel's ear, "He knows my name." Then she said to Joey, "Yes, I am. I gotta say, I am a huge fan of yours, and… wow. You're even hotter in person... what a cutie."

"Oh yeah?" Joey grins at Jill, then he catches Rachel's eye and immediately changed his tune. "Uh, thanks but you know I should probably be going." He left, giving Ross and Rachel an apologetic look on the way out.

"Ah! Rachel that was totally your fault! I could have got myself a date with Drake Ramoray and you totally scared him off!"

"What? Jill, you cannot go out with Joey!"

"Why not?"

"Because!" Rachel exclaimed. "Because, don't you remember when you went out with Ross, how upset I got then?"

"I went out with who?"

"Me!" Ross said angry.

"What? No, Rach, I've never gone out with your butler."

Ross felt his face grow hot, "I'm not her butler!"

Rachel sighed, "Look, the point is you went out with Ross and it got weird, you know, 'cause he was my ex, okay?"

"So? Drake isn't an ex of yours, is he?" said Jill, and she also sighed.

"No… well, technically yes, but – No! No Jill! Look, Joey is my friend, he's off limits - like, like Ross and Chandler!"

Jill looked confused, "Who's Ross?"

Ross gritted his teeth, exasperated, "Me!"

"I don't get it, so, why can't I date the famous actor?" asked Jill.

"You… you do know he got fired from Days of our lives, right?" put in Chandler.

"Yeah, so? He's still hot and famous, right?"

"Jill!" Rachel said loudly. "No! Okay, no! You cannot go out with Joey because he will just have sex with you and not call you back!"

"Oh please! How do you know, have you ever slept with him?"

"No, but I just know! He will sleep with you and then you'll never see him again."

Jill mouth opened slightly and she nodded slowly, then shook her head "So? Who cares?"

"I care!"

"Really? Why?" asked Jill.

Rachel shook her head in wonder, "…I don't know... Look, just stay away from Joey!"

"Fine!" Jill sighed. "God, I cant believe you won't let me even sleep with Dr Drake, I mean he may not call me back but he's better than that butler you're dating."

"I'm not her butler!" yelled Ross.

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Later that day at Central Perk, when Ross, Rachel and Jill were gone, Chandler and Monica were sat drinking coffee on their usual couch when Mike walked in. "Hey guys," he muttered. "I was wondering if you wanna go over some baby names I made up with me, to see if they're the kind of thing Phoebe might like?"

Monica and Chandler nodded, "Sure."

"Okay, great," he got out the list from his pocket and sat down next to them both. "Alright, the names for a girl are Honey, Hope and Jade."

Monica smiled, "Aw, those names are nice?"

"Really, you think Phoebe will like them?"

"Phoebe? Oh no," Monica muttered.

"Better chance of her wanting to eat the baby," said Chandler.

"What?" Mike frowned. "They're bad names?"

"Oh no, they're nice. It's just, well, Phoebe prefers name's a little more out there, you know?" Chandler told him.

"Yeah, I mean okay, I guess the names she likes are a little different to mine but, come on, she won't mind giving mine a chance," Mike said, shrugging. Monica and Chandler simply stared and Mike nodded with a sigh. "Okay, okay, you're right. She'll hate them, so what am I gonna do?"

"Well," Chandler said. "You could just start a new list, you know with a lot of 'out there' names, like Spoon-angel or Plate-star."

"Where did you come up with those names?" asked Monica.

"Oh I just saw a spoon and a plate over on that table…" he shrugged.

"Okay," Mike nodded. "I can come up with weird names that I'd like. What about… Joshua?"

"Joshua's a pretty normal name Mike," stated Chandler.

Mike nodded, "How about Hannah?"

Monica sighed, "This is gonna take a while."

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Ross and Rachel had decided to go out for dinner that evening, which was fine for Jill, it meant she could go back to their apartment and relax. What she wasn't expecting though was Joey to be there, "Oh, hi. I didn't know you lived here too."

"Oh yeah," said Joey, standing up off the couch. "Don't worry though, I'm no trouble, really. In fact if you want to watch TV in here or something I can go in my room."

"Oh no, no, no. Don't do that," Jill smiled to her self and went over to sit on the couch. She motioned Joey to sit down too, so he did so. "So uh, Drake –"

"Joey," Joey corrected her.

"Right, right, Joey. Um, Joey, I uh, I gotta say I am a really, really big fan of yours. I mean I cried when they killed off," said Jill, she touched Joeys shoulder and began rubbing from side to side. "It must have been terrible for you."

Joey shrugged, "Ah." He was very uncomfortable, he knew he couldn't have Jill but it was getting increasingly difficult not to flirt back just a little.

"You know," Jill said with a smile. "My sister Rachel has the weird idea that if anything, you know, physical were to happen between me and you, she thinks you wouldn't call me back."

"Well Jill, I'm not gonna lie to you, that has been the case a lot in the past," said Joey nervously. "And I really don't want it to happen to you so…"

"Then don't let it…" Jill brought her face closer up to Joey's and touched his cheek with her hand. "Aren't ya… a little curious?" She placed her forehead onto his and Joey knew if there lips touched one another, he wouldn't be able to stop it. Yet somehow, he couldn't bring himself to stop her as her lips caught his. He didn't stop it, and half of him didn't want to…

Ending Credits

"Hey Phoebes," greeted Mike on entering their apartment. "I got my list of baby names."

"Yeah great! Me too," Phoebe gushed as mike sat on the sofa next to her. "Okay, I'll go first. For a girl I have Sandy, Hope and Hannah. What do you have for a girl?"

"What? But…" Mike trailed off.

"What's wrong?"

"Those names, they're just so… normal. What happened to your 'out there' names?"

"'Out there' names?"

"Eglantine?"

"Oh yeah, no I don't like those kind of names anymore."

"What? Why?" asked Mike.

"No offence Mike, but those names are really weird," Phoebe said, shrugging.

Mike looked down at the weird names he'd spent all day making the strangest and most unusual as possible and sighed. He looked up at Phoebe, "Do you think we could maybe do this another time?"

Phoebe looked down at Mike's list and smirked, "Unless you wanna name our kid 'The Juicer' I'm gonna say yeah."

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A/N: Hope you liked it. And I know the bit before the ending credits is a little un-friends like but I wanted to add some feeling in there.

Thank You And Goodnight