This is a bit of a conversation between Derek and Meredith; it's short, but it requires it's own chapter I think...
"Hi…" I said.
He stood up as I made my way over to the desk hesitantly, not knowing what the hell I was doing or how, in fact, I got there.
Why was I so nervous?
This was Derek…
Look at those eyes…
God! Get a hold of yourself Meredith!
"I…um…sorry to bother you…" I stammered.
"You could never bother me Meredith…" he replied.
I looked at the pile of work on his desk.
"Oh…you're busy by the looks of it, so I'll come back later…" I said quickly as I tried my best to fight the McDreamy look.
"I'm not busy…" Derek answered, equally as quickly and just as eager to see me as I was to see him.
But somewhere, along the line, I lost all control of the situation and could help but simply stare at him; searching the depths of his soul as I seemed to get lost in the ocean of blue that stared back at me. I allowed my eyes to dart from side to side across every inch of his face. Desperation crossed through my thoughts… I needed him so badly right then and it was all I could do to contain myself and not take him on that desk right then…
It wouldn't be the first time…
"Derek…I…" I stuttered on my words.
"Meredith…" Derek sighed as he edged a little closer to me with each breath that he exhaled ever so lightly. I felt every hair across my body standing on end as his breathing fell on my face; it was light and soft and I could almost taste him right then… letting every inch of it tingle my senses in ways only he knew how…
His face continued to lean forward, desperately seeking something…anything. It was begging me to act…pleading me to reciprocate his very alluring and very tantalising actions.
"I just…" I started to say as his face became so close to me I thought I would sink into a wave of ecstasy. Before I could continue his hand silenced my words in the most tender of touches.
"For once in your life Meredith Shepherd…you are going to fight the urge to run… and you are not going to ramble…"
I managed a light giggle at his humour; the use of his last name with mine almost sent an electrifying shock wave through my body as I trembled with his touch.
"Last night…" he sighed heavily before his eyes darted back to mine. "Look, I am not going to ask you what it means exactly because I know that you know what it means…"
I let my eyes well with tears that I had not anticipated before I walked into the room; tears I swore I would fight. I felt the tingling sensations of his fingertips touch my chin as he tilted it up, in some sort of attempt to hold me.
"I'm lost without you Meredith…" he said softly and sweetly. "I just…I don't know what I am doing from day to day – nor can I control what will happen tomorrow…but I count every second into the future with all hope that I will see you again…" he sighed deeply and ran his thumb across my lips. "I try to find some…or any excuse to look at you…to talk to you…but I just…" his voice trailed off.
"What?" I managed to say.
"I can't live without you…" Derek concluded. "I cannot go on living my life without you Meredith…it doesn't make sense to me anymore if I can't be with you… it's like, living without you…well, it's like trying to breathe under water – impossible…"
I let every breath I took fall to a silent lull as I attempted to take in every single word that escaped those beautiful lips…
"But I will do it for our children…because I love them more than anything else in this world…more than life itself…" Derek sighed. "I will keep breathing because it's all I know Meredith…I only know how to breathe…I can try and make it right…but I don't know how…so I'll keep breathing…" he pulled me a little closer with his hands that touched my cheek so tenderly. "Just know that while I am still living…as long as I am breathing…I still love you…"
At this point and in that exact second those words made their way out of his mouth, I had lost all control over the emotions I tried so desperately to suppress. It was as though a wave had hit me and now a tidal rip was sucking me into this ocean that caused me to succumb to every emotion.
"I am not going to push you Meredith…" Derek said sweetly as he let his eyes reflect every emotion he was feeling. "…because I know our love story is more than any one night stand…"
I sighed heavily and nodded with a knowing glance in his direction so that he knew I agreed.
But, it was like I had no control over what I was about to do as every feeling, every distant memory of what we were circulated my mind and drowned any hope I had of rationality. I grabbed a hold of his scrub shirt in one swift movement and pressed my lips to his quickly as I tried desperately to fight this feeling.
Oh god, what was I doing…?
"Mer…" Derek pulled back quickly and tried to stop himself from doing exactly what I was. "Meredith…we can't do this here…not now…" he said breathlessly.
"It's not like we haven't before…" I reminded him as I fumbled with the drawstring on his scrub pants and tried my best to push his lab coat down the sides of his long arms and broad shoulders.
Derek stopped me though.
"I can't do this now…" he sighed heavily, knowing that in a few moments he would certainly regret it. "I can't…it's not fair…"
I groaned and pressed my forehead that was now excreting beads of sweat from the momentary lapse in judgement I had previously experienced. I drew in a long and heavy breath, taking in every scent that his body expelled as he breathed in and out. I felt his grip tightening around me as he leaned his face down to breathe in the ever so longed scent of my hair.
"Oh…I've missed that…" he sighed in a somewhat reflection as my hair tickled his chin. He tilted my face gently just before I had any chance to react to his comfort and leaned down to kiss me once more. I felt my insides knot twice over as his let his lips linger over mine; sexual static flaring between the crossed souls that stared into each other's eyes, getting lost in the moment.
But then I seemed to get lost in my own thoughts array the emotion I was certainly feeling right then. Despite my recent longing and not so distant thoughts I pulled away and put my fingertips to my swollen lips.
"This is crazy!" I cried. "I can't do this Derek! I won't do this! Not to our kids…not to me…not again!"
"Meredith…I would never hurt you again…" he said pleadingly with all attempts to draw me closer to him again.
"You don't get it…do you?" I said angrily. Yes, a midst the passionate Meredith came an angry, burdened and almost hysterical woman; wrecked with fear and destructed by a world that offered no hope. "I try and try to be strong Derek! For our children…for me..." I sobbed. "Comforting your nine year old daughter when she cries for her daddy every night…"
Never had a told Derek that.
"She cries for me?" he repeated sadly.
"Yes!" I exclaimed. "And you know, the optimistic Meredith…the whole and healed Meredith, well she would try her best to tell her distraught and scared daughter that mommy and daddy are just having some problems that would eventually sort themselves out…"
Derek's eyes filled with sadness as the words drained heavily from my mouth and flooded his mind while drowning his senses in ways he never thought possible; stinging every inch of his ears as the words escaped and offered little comfort in a situation that was scaring him in ways he never thought possible.
"But you see…true Meredith, well she would believe that we were done for good…maybe that there was no hope left to make my dreams come true Derek… basically it was time to move on…time to get on with life…" I felt tears trickling fast down my cheeks as I wiped them away. "You don't understand this…loving you and being me are two of the hardest things I have ever had to do!"
At this point I had absolutely no control over the words that were escaping my mouth as they flew through the air like bullets from a machine gun.
"Don't you understand…?" Derek sighed. "This is us; all I know is that I love you…"
I took a deep breath and shook my head.
"I am not going to do this anymore Derek…" I told him as I whipped around and ran to the door; stopping as I held onto it. "I don't know how to work this out anymore…"
And with that…I left; but somewhere deep down…I knew I would be back…
She will be back...but I wanted Derek to give her a reason to stay...the whole speech about breathing...yeah yeah, everyone knows it's significance...
So, I hope you enjoyed it; don't lose faith, I'm in the process of working it out...
Now, everyone wants to see Derek let loose on Jeremy Mitchell...oh, I have a wally in the works!!
REVIEWS PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASSSEEE!