So deliciously out of control. Sometimes it feels good to just let go of the wheel. I knew it wasn't smart to follow him after he left Paige's party all mad. I knew he'd had a fight with Ashley and I knew I wasn't his number one choice. I didn't care.
It wasn't about anything rational anymore. I only felt happy when I was in his physical presence. I almost felt like I lived for him. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be the one in control, to be the elusive desired one. But that was him. I looked at him with my glazed and love sick eyes and he knew, I was sure he knew. I'd do anything for him.
The angry set to his shoulders, the anger burning in his eyes. All this emotion for Ashley. But it didn't matter. It was something I could use. And I felt sneaky and dishonest and I didn't care. I'd sink to any level to get what I wanted. And I understood that little phrase, "all's fair in love and war," I understood. When your very being is on the line you'll use any means necessary.
So I used my soft and sweet voice and tilted my head and looked cute. I told him in halting and broken tones what that song would have meant for me and I saw him soften. Saw the anger slip away. Went with him to his garage and I wanted him to sing that song for me. But that felt wrong. It wasn't written for me so I put my hand over his fingers as he reached for the chords and he looked at me then, so vulnerable and so scared. I was offering him everything and Ashley denied him everything. And I knew I was playing more on lust than love to get what I wanted just for the moment. And I cursed myself for wanting him with this focus like a laser.
But curses and regret and feeling like I'm not the right choice slip to the back of the burner as his fingers reach clumsily for the buttons on my shirt. I'll let him do anything he wants. I felt like he owned me. It was so weird and selfless. Like I ceased to be me in this way that I couldn't describe. I had ceased to exist in any way that really mattered.
My first time and it was with him. Him. Craig Manning. I wondered if it was his first time, wondered as I closed my eyes and felt the slight pain as he entered. Penetrated. Closed my eyes and opened them slowly, his eyes were shut as he moved his hips back and forth. It was what I had wanted. I wanted the boundaries between us to disappear. I wanted to no longer know where he stopped and I began. The pain was worth it. The friction that wasn't quite pleasurable, just sort of odd and interesting was worth it.
Like such a dumb little girl I thought we were in a relationship now. We had had sex, and I thought that meant commitment. I obviously hadn't learned the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. It had meant nothing to him. I could tell by his outspread hands, the bewildered shrug as I approached him on the steps of the school. I could tell that I mattered so little to him and I could feel the fibers of my heart ripping, causing these microscopic injuries.
And then Ashley so easily dismissing me, like I didn't matter or figure into her equations. So I stepped aside and behind my puzzled and hurt expression the steel anger was forming. It was rising like a tidal wave. It was rumbling like a volcano, little steam jets hissing out and it was ready to blow. I couldn't contain my emotions. I was a mess. I walked back to Emma and she looked at me with her Emma pity but I supposed it was all I would get. Craig hugged Ashley but stared at me and I felt some dim return of hope in that tortured and conflicted stare.