- Tenth Petal -

Epiphany

With each falling petal, Kanda realizes something.

It starts even before he walks down the circular deserted hallway of headquarters, passing his room again and again yet always ignoring it, deferring from pushing open the door and staring at the ten silky petals lining the feet of the hourglass. His eyes stare through a sort of haze that erodes his consciousness as he puts one foot in front of the other and repeats the same mechanism over and over again.

From time to time, he peers down the core of the tower, taking in the sight of countless stories of doors and doors of Exorcists' rooms and science labs. His steps never missing a beat, he wonders vaguely what it would look like to a passerby if he sits on the railing and suddenly lets go, allowing himself to fall down and down the tower in a blur of black and blue, imagining the poor fool's screams and panicked cries at this submission to darkness. But why fret? Isn't death just another passage of life after all? Is there something after death?

I never knew you were one to give up so easily, Daisya states blandly with unusually serious eyes.

Che. Who says I'm giving up?

You're thinking about jumping down and ending it all, aren't you, Kanda?

Just your imagination. Now shut up before I slice off your nose.

Aw, don't say that, Daisya chides, his humorous attitude returning. It may not seem possible, but I can read youuu, Kanda-kuuun. You look smug when you do a good deed. You scowl even deeper when you're annoyed. And you appear slightly dazed when pondering something that's as serious as ending your own life right here, right now. Ta-da! Am I right?

Kanda remains silent and retains his sight on the abyss in the middle of the tower.

Go ahead, Daisya laughs, I'll bet you even my Charity Bell that it's useless.

Che, who would want your damn bell?

The swordsman props himself onto the railing and stares down at the gaping darkness below.

Does dying…hurt?

Depends how you die, Daisya replies with a nonchalant shrug. I mean, if you're being eaten by these evil violet butterflies while being dangled upside down, then yes, it damn hurts!

Kanda cautiously looks around and, to his relief, sees no one to witness his act.

Well, well, it seems I'll finally have Kanda-kun to keep me company!

Don't get cocky. It's just an experiment.

Geez, Daisya snorts, some experiment this is.

Ignoring Daisya's last comment, Kanda grips the railing until his knuckles turn white. He unconsciously slips his left hand onto the hilt of Mugen in a meek search for solace.

I won't feel any pain.

Letting out a slow breath, he gives himself a little push away from solidity and feels the liberation of the air under him, above him, around him, embracing him in all its endearing emptiness and wrenching him down and down into an endless flight past a blur of black and blue—

What is death—

The acrid sting of belching smoke and growling flames materializes from the crisp liberation—

What is life—

The cool tinges of blacks and blues shift into the red-orange of shuddering blazes—

Life is—

Through the swirling heat of the cinders and ash, through the scarlet dust of crumbled buildings—

Living—

He spots an ethereal figure flickering in and out of view—

Wait—

The figure holds a glass case containing a withering lotus—

I want to live—

And looks back and gives a small taunting smile—

I've seen you before somewhere—

Come and get it—

You're—

His eyes snap open to the soft morning light streaming through his lavender window and a Lavi's loud banters from the cafeteria, and he realizes in a surprising surge of refreshing relief—

It is just a dream.

A/N: To clarify, this entire chapter, until Kanda wakes up, is Kanda's dream. In his dream, Kanda is talking to the ghost of Daisya and then jumps off the inside balcony at headquarters only to realize that he does not want to die just yet.

Once again, I'd like to extend my thanks to Kuro666, chibi yoruichi, Belladonna-Isabella, Ai Minamoto, Random, Moon-Dash, 99bottlesofbeer, whiteninjaachemist, Velvet Blindfold, AnimeLover411, Phantom Fox, and azab for reviews and subscriptions. Three more petals to go!

D.Gray-Man (c) Hoshino Katsura