The Five Laws of Woo

by Medicinal Biscuit

CRACK YAOI. Before poor Neji knows what's going on, he finds he's attracted the attention of three very unexpected suitors. Unfortunately for him, NONE of them seem to show any signs of giving up. ItaNeji SasuNej NaruNej. Don't like Yaoi? See offer inside

2. That Heartfelt Touch

Pairings: PRICK- SHIPPING! SasuNeji. I still can't decide if I support it or not (I'm a die-hard SuiSasu fan) but it sure as HELL is fun to write.

Notes: ULTRA-CRACK! This chapter starts out kinda slow, but don't worry. It's DEFINITELY worth it. Trust me. NO lemons.

x x x

x Neji's Point of View x

You'd think that after the incident with Uchiha Itachi any other unwelcome love interest would seem perfectly harmless. But such is the dark irony of my life, that Itachi turned out to only be the tip of the iceberg. Believe it or not, but what, or rather who, was to come was even WORSE than a homicidal maniac.

He took a few days in coming, five to be exact, but my next suitor was...how shall I put this tactfully...MUCH more forceful and...difficult to ignore.

This time, however, I was not dragged off unprepared and unawares. I was actually intercepted on a mission. Which I honestly can't say I minded that much...considering my client...

x x x

Law Two:

Fancy dinners and pricey gifts are nice, but aren't always the best choice for impressing your lover. Sometimes, it's better to show them that you care by going the extra mile for that heartfelt touch. Don't be afraid to spend one-on-one time in private, they'll thank you for it later.

x x x

I generally call myself a patient man, yet at the moment I was fighting with every ounce of my discipline not to strangle the person before me.

My attempted pleasant smile probably ended up looking more like a grimace. I tried to keep my tone civil as I ground out from between clenched teeth, "Let's go through this one more time. Where did you last see the necklace?"

The impossibly wide blue eyes focused on my face. "Necklace? What necklace?"

I twitched.

What the hell was WRONG with this guy? Where had he BEEN for the past two hours? The boy seated before me was, and I can say this without a single doubt, the STUPIDEST person I'd ever met.

By this time I could even feel my face getting red. "The necklace you HIRED me to find for you." When Tsunade-sama had first asked me to take care of a client who had lost a necklace valued at over 10,000 ryo, I had wondered how anyone could possibly lose something that expensive. But now that I'd met the kid, it honestly didn't surprise me.

"Oh," he said, flicking his white-blonde hair over his shoulder. This guy was definitely just another pretty boy. He was unusual, though, in the sense that he was too stupid to realize just how attractive he actually was; giving him an air of innocence. "Um...well I took it into town cause my aunt was getting married. You know, as a wedding present." He smiled at me sweetly.

Finally. We were getting somewhere. "What town were you in?" His pale brow creased again and I could have smacked myself for asking the question. It would probably take him over an hour to dredge up an answer, if he did at all. He put a finger to his chin, a fierce look of concentration on his face.

"Oh!"

I tried not to get excited at the sudden exclamation. He was probably just thinking too hard and had hurt himself.

His sparkling eyes widened even further and he nodded at me knowingly. "There was a lot of water there."

Vague as it was, that was all I needed. I stood up and grabbed his hand, shaking it, and then all but ran to the door.

"Hy-hyuuga-san?" he asked. I turned around, "Where are you going?"

I forced my face into another grimace-smile. "To find your necklace."

He tilted his pretty head at me, confusion clearly written on his pale features.

"Necklace?"

Oh..my god.

Without missing a beat, I turned and banged my head on the door frame, just once, before swiftly walking away.

x Suigetsu's Point of View x

"What the hell is your PROBLEM!?"

I stared at the bastard putting as much incredulity into my voice and face as I could. Dude...I had just walked in on Sasuke, THE Uchiha Sasuke, badass "avenger", arranging flowers. If this was like a one-time fluke, maybe I could let it slide, but enough was enough. He'd been acting like a total pansy all week. (Pun definitely intended.)

He looked up from his precious little daisies or whatever the hell they were and hn'ed at me.

"Suigetsu, I do not see how what I do in my spare time should be any concern to you."

My mouth dropped open even wider. Was this bitch for real?

"Uh, hello? We're like kickass missing-nin criminals, well maybe not Karin, but you get my point, Sasuke. We have an image to uphold! If you get soft then it makes this rest of us look bad."

Sasuke indignantly fluffed his flowers and added some greenery to compliment the blood red roses. Ya know, if the dude had to be arranging flowers, at least they were a decently hardcore color. It's not like they were pink or anything.

"Hn. I don't care about images." Was it just me or was Sasuke actually pouting? I smirked.

Bitch just talked yourself into a corner.

"If you don't care about images then why to you priss around with your little Uchiha fan still embroidered on your clothes? Eh? What about than big purple bow? Or are you actually gonna try to convince me that it's 'functional' ?"

Ah HAH! That time there was definitely a pout.

Sasuke exhaled sharply, which was about as close as that prick ever got to an annoyed sigh.

"Look. I'm planning something for tonight, and I don't want you in my way. Just go play in the onsen."

Hmm. Decisions, decisions.

On the one hand, we were staying in a friggen nice-ass hotel, courtesy of Sasuke, and I really wanted to go in that onsen...

...Buuut on the other hand, I could totally follow the bastard around and fuck up whatever he was- Oh my god...

It all clicked. Nice hotel, flowers, wants me out of the way...

That bastard...that slick-ass bastard!

I grinned at him, being sure to show every last one of my lovely little teeth.

Oh, I knew what I was doing tonight...

x Neji's Point of View x

Water.

I had set off, having only three days to complete my mission, and the ONLY thing I knew about where I was headed, was that there was "lots of water there".

IDIOT.

I could have smacked myself. As I tend to do when I'm angry at myself, I made a list of, well, to put it bluntly, ways that I fucked up.

First of all, I am a jounin. Jounin do NOT do stupid things like setting off on a mission without even knowing where they were going. But then, jounin also aren't usually hired for menial missions such as searching for lost jewelry. But, the kid came from a well-to-do family, so I was obliged.

Secondly, jounin should have more discipline and self control than to allow the blinding, remarkable, INFURIATINGLY incapacitating stupidity of a client get in between them and the information they need. Well actually, there wasn't anything I could do about that either.

I stopped my furious walking for a moment. I was about a mile off from the village's western gate.

Time to attack the problem.

Alright. Water. The only places I could think of that had lots of water were Amegakure and Kirigakure. I felt my stomach drop at the prospect.

Oh...peachy.

I shuddered slightly at the thought of the two dim and cold cities. One, rent apart by a violent civil war: dominated by drug lords and powerful pimps with armies of heroin addicts and prostitutes at their command, as well as fierce and less-than-saintly (understatement) shinobi with an alarming tendency to be mentally unstable. The other, full to the brim with sword-weilding, cold-blooded assassins and fish people with sharp teeth and gills; where murder was considered an "art" and children were praised for their ability to kill.

Well whichever way you cut it, it seemed that I was in for a lovely trip.

Just when my shameful despair became almost overwhelming, my brain finally kicked in.

Duh. The clan my client came from lived in a remote area of the fire country right on the border of the river country. So the town he was probably talking about- a rather trashy-yet-picturesque resort town where people commonly went to get married- was only a half-day's run from where I was standing right now. And, the fact that made me happiest of all, there WAS lots of water there.

HAH! Take that fish-people! Logic prevails! Looks like I wouldn't be needing my umbrella anytime soon: a fact I was exceedingly grateful of.

Allowing myself a small moment of celebration- YAY! - I continued on towards my now-established destination.

Little did I realize, at the time, that I was not going to be arriving.

x Suigetsu's Point of View x

Evil.

There's no other way to describe my brilliance except for sheer evil.

I grinned to myself as I sauntered all cocky-like down the hall towards my most "esteemed" leader's room.

Now, I had a hunch, a little "tingle in my teeth" as my buddies from the mist would say. Sasuke, being the smooth bastard he was, was gonna try and pull a fast one on me. He was honestly planning on bringing a girl- as in a GIRL -into his room...without even considering that I would try to screw it up.

How that fool underestimates me.

Well, Uchiha may be slick, but he was screwing with the KING of smooth here. I mean, dude, I'm fucking water, how much slicker can you be?

Anyways, by now I had just about reached the door to his room. It was time for me to test my little hunch.

I knocked, the door opened, revealing half of Sasuke's face, before slamming again in mine.

Well.

After a couple seconds, he opened the door again, calm, cool, and collected like he always is. He raised a perfect, pretty-boy eyebrow at me and hn'ed. Predicable as fuck.

"Well, " I says, casual as anything, "I'm just heading over to the onsen."

No response.

"Planning on spending the whole evening there."

Still nothing.

"But, ya know, it sure is a damn long walk down there and all. Not looking forward to dragging my sorry ass all that way back to bed when it gets real late."

Zip.

"Especially since there's a nice little hot spring right behind your room that I could use instead."

BINGO!

Barely, just barely, Sasuke's eyes widened. So the king of seduction here had plans for his hot spring. Good to know...very good to know.

"Hn. After spending so much time in that fish tank, I find it doubtful that you would want to confine yourself to such a small body of water- especially when there is a much bigger hot spring readily available.

I rolled my eyes and did my signature fangy pout , feigning discontent. "Pff, whatever. Be a selfish bastard then."

And I continued on down the hall, all dejected-like. But inside, I was having bit of a hard time controlling the maniacal laughter. I had all the info I needed.

Tonight, there was a shrub out there with my name on it. Cause I would be damned if I didn't find out exactly what that Uchiha had planned...

So I could royally fuck it over.

x Neji's Point of View x

I sat, perched on a rock, bento haphazardly balanced on my knees, as the twilight descended around me. I can't believe I hadn't noticed it getting this late. I was just about to dig into my very belated lunch, onigiri in hand, when out of nowhere I sensed someone's chakra. I sat stock still, onigiri dropping back into the bento as I tried to place who I was dealing with.

The chakra was somehow familiar, yet it wasn't a signature I recognized. I knew I had felt it before, but I couldn't place whose it was- which was very irritating, I might add.

Behind me, a twig snapped.

I sprung into action, determined to make up for my rather shameful abandonment of what I had learned in training as of late. (Mainly, I still felt embarrassed over letting myself be kidnapped by Itachi so easily). Drawing a kunai, I launched it in the direction of the noise. I didn't hear a thud or the clang of steel on steel, which meant the person undoubtedly caught it: also indicating that they had no intention of fighting me.

I turned to face my opponent, peering into the shadows- Byakugan activated. A low chuckle sounded, and to my ultimate surprise, out stepped Uchiha Sasuke, twirling my kunai around his finger.

The first thought that came to mind was that the years we'd been apart had definitely been good to him. He was taller, leaner; his face had narrowed out and his cheekbones had become more prominent and- WOAH.

NOT even gonna go there. I forced my train of thought away from his exposed chest and onto the matter at hand.All of the questions I had about his intentions were cleared up, however, when he began to speak.

"Neji. It's been a while."

I nodded cautiously, interested to see where he thought he was going with this.

"I have no desire, or need, for that matter, to fight you. I was merely returning to my lodgings, when I noticed your chakra signal, and thought I would see who it was."

I raised an eyebrow. I barely knew Sasuke, despite being his distant cousin and growing up with him, yet one thing I did know was that Sasuke was a very driven and uncaring person. He wasn't the type to casually pursue someone just to catch up on old times. Unless, that is, there was something in it for him. I didn't buy his story at all.

"Is that so?" I said, mimicking his pleasant tone, "Well, now that you know it's me, what are you going to do?"

Of course it had occurred to me that the boy standing before me was a traitor and a criminal, and that if I were at all concerned with my duty as a leaf shinobi I would attempt to forcibly bring him back to the village. But I also knew that if I were the one to bring Sasuke back, Naruto would probably kill me in my sleep. Besides, I knew the Uchiha was dangerous. Ignoring the fact that Itachi was fond of me and wouldn't ever hurt me, Sasuke was probably even more dangerous than his brother. If it came to a fight, I doubted I could win by myself.

"Well, seeing as you're obviously on your way somewhere, and don't seem to have any kind of lodgings secured, " he gestured vaguely at the gathering blue of night, "I was going to invite you to stay with me."

This time both eyebrows shot up. Me? Stay with Sasuke? I had had my Byakugan activated throughout the entire conversation, so I knew that he wasn't lying about not wanting to fight me...but then what could he possibly want? What were his motives?I stared at him for a moment more, trying to gather some kind of answer from his perfect face, or the slight smirk situated on his pale lips, but I came up with nothing. Well I DID need a place to sleep. I could just stay in his room and then be off early tomorrow morning. What harm could it do? It was decided. If I hadn't already spent the night with his brother without dying, I probably never would have agreed to this.

"Alright, Uchiha, I'll accept your offer."

I regretted it right after the words left my mouth, however, when his smirk widened- finally forcing some unknown and dangerous emotion into his previously blank dark eyes.

"Excellent."

x x x

A few minutes found us gliding over the mahogany floors of a posh onsen resort. Sasuke suddenly stopped in front of a door at the very end of a hall. I sighed contentedly as he fiddled with the locks, looking out the window at the blossoming trees shrouded in the gloom of early evening. I was lucky to have a nice place like this to stay in. With a loud click, the door opened.

It was a good-sized room, divided in half by a delicate, patterned paper screen. Sasuke ushered me almost immediately into the left side of the room, sliding the door shut behind us.

"This can be yours," he announced unceremoniously. "Just come find me in a few minutes, and we'll go down for dinner or something. "

I looked at him and recoiled slightly in surprise. Although his voice had been perfectly even, his dark eyes gleamed, seeming to smolder in the dimmed light of the room with some emotion that I still couldn't place. The effect was exhilarating and at the same time, more than slightly alarming.

I nodded, and he formed a seal and was gone in a puff of smoke.

It wasn't maybe a minute and a half before I was ready to go again. I set my pack down, distributing my things the way I liked them, and glanced in the mirror, smoothing a few errant strands of hair. I slid the screen back, somewhat hesitantly, and stepped into his room.

It was completely empty- his futon not even unfolded yet- save for a table set against the screen with a vase of deep red roses on it. Puzzled, I walked to the table, searching fruitlessly for Sasuke, a note, anything, and was about to leave when I made the ultimate mistake of looking down.

I could have sworn I felt my heart stop.

Rather to my dismay, I appeared to be standing at the beginning of a trail of red rose petals.

Wha?

Starting at the table, curving gracefully around the room, and finally disappearing out the open door and into a candle-lit courtyard, the petal trail was obviously meant for me to follow. Mystified, I walked numbly to the door, only to stop dead once I had cleared the threshold.

No amount of psychological training could ever prepare me for what I saw next.

There, at the end of the petal trail, now illuminated by a multitude of scented candles, stood Uchiha Sasuke himself: hair disheveled, barefoot, with his white shirt sliding off his strong shoulders, and a red rose in his hand. He leaned against a rock that, I noticed with another stomach-churning wave of horror, bordered a private hot spring that was a-glow with the light of a hundred floating candles.

The left side of my face twitched.

Holy...Motherfucking...HELL.

I vaguely registered Sasuke gliding towards me, an alluring smirk clear on his features, when suddenly, It hit me then like a smack in the face. Apparently Itachi wasn't the only Uchiha to find me desirable.

I was jolted out of my little bubble of shock so suddenly you could almost hear the pop. Sasuke stopped, not four inches away from me, and handed me the rose. I automatically reached out and took it. He gently grasped my hand and tugged me along towards the onsen. It was about here that my brain finally caught up. I pulled back, jerking my hand out of his grasp. I wasn't about to let Sasuke, of all people, play me the same way Itachi had (even though by the end of our "date" I didn't exactly regret going along with it). Sasuke wasn't as likely to be able to easily kill me, so I felt I could stand up for myself and still keep my life.

That's always a plus.

"What the hell are you playing at, Uchiha?"

He raised an eyebrow seductively. "What do you mean?" His tone was disgustingly innocent. "I just figured you'd want a bath after all that traveling..." He trailed off, lightly running his fingers across my collarbone before boldly undoing the first button on my shirt.

I swatted his hand away. Smirk still firmly in place, he waltzed over to the edge of the water, completely undeterred.

"Well if you won't join me, I guess I'll just have to bathe alone." Looking at me enticingly from over his shoulder, Sasuke slid his shirt over his moon-pale skin, exposing his shoulders and the toned muscles of his upper back; the light from the candles flickering across their smooth, flawless surface. The sleeves slipped over his long, thin fingers, and the shirt fell to the ground. Abruptly he turned, fingers twitching towards his waistband, and I gulped, sensing his intentions just in time.

I squeezed my eyes shut, and a moment later, heard a rustle as the fabric fell to the ground. It wasn't until I heard a faint splashing noise and Sasuke's sigh as he settled into the water, that I deemed it safe to crack one eye open.

He glowered at me from the pool of water, a broody pout on his full lips- obviously very put out that I'd missed his little exhibition. Suddenly, his expression turned back to that sexy smirk. Apparently, aside from randomly exposing himself, Sasuke had other ways of enticing me into the water. He scooted over behind a rock, and produced what appeared to be a floating tray covered in delicious food. My stomach, of course, chose that moment to grumble audibly. His smirk deepened and he languidly popped a roll of sushi into his mouth.

Oh...he's GOOD.

I grimaced at him, making it plainly obvious that I wasn't happy, and hid self-consciously behind a rock where I was sure he couldn't see me. I stripped quickly, and grabbed one of the multiple fluffy towels he had laid out for us, wrapping it FIRMLY around my hips, and in a moment I was in the water surrounded by rose petals and candles, scooting tentatively closer to Sasuke, who was shamelessly baiting me with the food.

Why me?

The Uchiha gracefully plucked up an onigiri and brandished it at me. He began to lean towards me, so naturally, of course, I kept on leaning back until I felt the back of my head touch the water- Sasuke looming over me, onigiri in hand.

"Open your mouth," he commanded.

I gave him my best what the fuck face.

"Wha-" I started to ask, but the second I opened my mouth, he shoved the entire rice ball in. I was pretty sure I inhaled a couple pieces.

I coughed and choked and tried to glare at him even though my eyes were tearing up. He now had a spoonful of some kind of soup at the ready.

"If you would have just cooperated, Neji, then you wouldn't have rice in your lungs at the moment," he condescended. "Now, let's try this again." Sasuke held up the soup and scooted uncomfortably close to me. I found myself repeatedly checking to make sure that both of his hands were where I could see them. The spoonful of soup was headed towards my face, so with as much dignity as I could, I opened my mouth and allowed my former comrade to insert the spoon.

And that is how I came to be fed my dinner by Uchiha Sasuke whilst sitting in a rather scandalous onsen. This ordinarily would have seemed unfathomable, but now it seems that situations like these are becoming the norm.

But such is my life.

x Suigetsu's Point of View x

Later, I remember thinking, I'm gonna have a hard time explaining why I'm so dirty to Sasuke.

At that moment, though, I was crouched in the bushes with my entire fist in my mouth, tears fucking streaming down my face as I rolled around in the flower bed.

That explains the dirt.

Dude...Sure, I might have known that Sasuke was gonna try to seduce someone tonight, but If I had known it would be a GUY...and a leaf jounin at that. But that's Sasuke for you, fucking nonsensical as always.

Anyways, the whole set-up was priceless: the rose-petal trail, the candles, the onsen, I could have done without having the image of Sasuke's bare ass forever seared into my retinas, but you know, shit happens. Probably the greatest thing ever, though, had been the look on the dude's face. He didn't even know what hit 'im. And now with the whole feeding thing...God, Sasuke was a smooth operator. You'd NEVER get me to admit it, but I could probably learn a thing or two from him.

My little mad fit of hysteria had finally subsided, and I just sat there, watching Sasuke shove more and more food into the poor fucker's face. Just then, I heard a twig snap behind me and turned around to see that bitch, Karin, looking real confused about something.

"Suigetsu, do you know where Sasuke-kun is?"

I couldn't keep from twitching a little at that. "Why do you care? Aside from the fact that you're obsessed with him, of course."

She glared at me, predictably, but was so upset about whatever that she didn't bother to insult me back. "It's just that, well, I was cleaning his room, (In Karin-speech this translates roughly to "was rooting shamelessly through his shit") And I came across this." She held out a book. Wrinkling my nose like the adorable little shit I am, I took it, glanced at it, and had to slam my fist forcibly into my mouth to keep from losing it.

It was one a those dating and relationship books that poor saps read who can't get women. Wait- it gets better- a page form chapter two was folded back. I read it and pretty much choked on my own spit I was shaking so hard from suppressed laughter.

Chapter Two: Fancy dinners and pricey gifts are nice, but aren't always the best choice for impressing your lover. Sometimes, it's better to show them that you care by going the extra mile for that heartfelt touch. Don't be afraid to spend one-on-one time in private, they'll thank you for it later.

So tricking a dude into an onsen and baiting him into being molested with fancy food was Sasuke's idea of a "heartfelt touch?" I dropped the book and doubled over. Karin, I'm sure, was staring at me like I was having some kinda fit. (Which I sorta was...)

"WHAT?!" She hissed, fists balling up in anger, "What is going on? You know something, I know you do. Someone else's stuff was in Sasuke- kun's room." She knelt down and grabbed my collar." Tell. me. NOW."

Well fine, if the bitch wanted to know so bad, then that could be arranged. Without a word I grabbed her arm and forced her down beside me. Her expression went from one of complete incomprehension, to denial, and then to extreme anger: her face a shade of red that perfectly matched her hair. She was shaking even more than I was- her glasses in danger of slipping off her nose.

Ohh MAN. I tell you, at this point, I was about ready to piss my pants. I didn't even have to fuck up Sasuke's plans. I had gotten a big enough kick just outta seeing the look on her face.

x Neji's Point of View x

After he shoved that entire tray of food into my mouth, Sasuke apparently decided that we had had enough time in the onsen. He floated towards the edge and stood up behind a rock- this time choosing not to try and flash me. He reappeared a moment later, swathed in a long white robe. Handing me a similar one, he courteously turned away while I dressed.

A few minutes found us standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. I cleared my throat uncomfortably.

"Well, ahem. If you're finished trying to molest me, I'm going to bed." Putting as much disdain into the action as I could, I turned and marched away. I had only gotten a few steps before I felt a pair of arms encircle my waist.

Damn Uchihas and their damn silent speed. I tried to wriggle free, but he had me pinned.

"I'm sorry, " he muttered into my hair, sounding more sincere than I had ever heard him."I will behave. I promise." He released me and I sighed, and continued my indignant march to MY side of the room.

It really came as no surprise when he followed me in, the paper door sliding shut behind him.

I was sitting on my unfolded futon- brooding and angsting- when I felt him settle in close behind me. His hands found their way to my shoulders, and began rubbing soothing circles into my tense muscles. His hands moved up and down my back, gently massaging; making me melt. I remember vaguely wondering where he had learned the skill, but that's pretty much all I can recall thinking. I don't know how long we sat there, maybe a few minutes, or perhaps even as long as an hour- and we never spoke once. I was becoming sleepy, as I am wont to do when having a nice back rub, when eventually I became tired of maintaining my stiff posture and allowed myself, rather limply, to collapse backwards. I felt my shoulder blades and neck come in contact with someone's very firm chest. Once again, a pair of arms encircled my waist and we teetered to one side- finally falling, quite ungracefully, I might add, onto the futon. Sasuke never let me go- not once. We lay there in the dark for who knows how long, both still and quiet, when something that had been nagging at me all day finally eroded my patience. I turned around to face him and he obligingly loosened his grip on my waist.

Our faces were only two inches apart, if that. I met his steady gaze and, staring into the deep depths of his eyes, I asked it.

"Why did you do it?"

"Because I find you likable and very attractive. Gender, obviously, does not matter to me." His eyes didn't change so I had no way of knowing if he had purposefully sidestepped my real question, or if he had honestly misinterpreted it.

"That's not what I meant, Sasuke."

His stare never wavered. I sighed and elaborated.

"Why did you leave."

His eyes flickered closed and I could have sworn that I saw the briefest flash of pain cross his face. He brought up a hand and gently stroked my face, my neck, my hair- it didn't matter where his hand fell, his touch still conveyed genuine, albeit inexplicable, affection. Grudgingly, almost, he answered- his hand balling to a fist in my hair.

"I had no choice."

It was only when he said those words that I realized exactly how much he had changed. From the boy I had barely known, he had become like a stone, a shell, a corpse. It seemed that the very fire I remembered seeing in those eyes had been extinguished; the very light of his humanity. I shivered at his frigid tone, and he drew me closer to him, pressing my face against his neck. He continued,

"From the moment he gave he that seal, I was gone. I wanted power, and he could give it to me. It was as simple as that."

I drew back from his neck and pressed my forehead against his.

"No, it's not."

This time I was falling asleep in earnest. My eyes drifted shut and I was lulled into a trance-like state by the sound of Sasuke's gentle breathing. Right before I lost consciousness, I could have sword I heard him say, barely a whisper lost in an exhaled breath,

"Of course not, nothing's ever simple. Especially the truth."

x x x

The first thing I remember from the following morning was a moment of breathtaking beauty. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Sasuke. I honestly couldn't breathe for a moment, he was that beautiful. His dark hair framed his face perfectly, his smooth lips were partly open, and his face, normally so intense, was completely relaxed.

Now that's something I could wake up to every morning.

It was hard for me to say which Uchiha brother was more attractive. Itachi had a kind of softness about him. His face was rounder, he was a bit stockier than Sasuke, he had longer hair- even his voice was softer, more serene. He moved with a kind of elegance as opposed to Sasuke's unassuming strength and power.

Sasuke...Sasuke was just pretty. He was paler, his face was made of harsher lines and he was leaner, his voice sharper.

I realized for the first time that if they both had an interest in me, things could get ugly very quickly. I'll admit, I rather enjoyed spending time both of them, but I enjoyed different things about them. I wouldn't mind being caught in the middle of the Uchiha brothers, but they most definitely would.

I sighed and absentmindedly extended a hand to stroke Sasuke's face. One dark eye cracked open and he groaned, stretching like a cat.

Adorable. Perfectly adorable.

He almost smiled at me. "My teammate, Suigetsu, will be getting suspicious soon. Of course, I'm sure he's already figured the whole thing out, but it won't be long now before he barges in."

I nodded, already dressing. "I have a mission to get back to. Now that I've lost some searching time..." I broke off and cleared my throat. "I really need to get moving." I finished up.

I was fixing my hair in the mirror, by that time, and I saw Sasuke's eyes crinkle in an amused smirk. "No, you don't." And to my astonishment, he held out that goddamned necklace.

Biting my lip, I lowered my head, hands on hips.

"You would."

He grinned this time and languidly stood up with his normal fluid grace. He waltzed over, rubbing his hands around my hips and pulling me forwards until our chests touched. He gave me a kind of smoldering look from underneath his long, dark eyelashes that made me go a bit weak in the knees.

"Don't be mad, " he purred.

Okay, having difficulties breathing as well.

I snatched the necklace from his hand and Hn'ed, pulling myself out of his grasp. "How can I not be when you're so infuriating?"

I had all my gear, and was poised at the door ready to leave when he cornered me against the wall. I was trapped. Smirking in that enraging way of his he deftly placed his hands on either side of my head and leaned in, his lips making contact with my throat. My eyes widened and I tilted my head back as he trailed kisses up my neck, finally landing a chaste kiss on my lips. He pulled away, and I opened the door, staggering through it.

"I guess I can't ask you to tell the idiot hello for me." He grinned ruefully. I shook my head knowing he meant Naruto.

His eyes darkened and my last memory of him is an expression of unbearable sadness. It broke my heart.

"You can always come back, " I ventured, but he shook his head, moving to embrace me one last time before I left.

"No, I can't. You and I both know...nothing's ever that simple."

And I walked away under the trees; their blossoms falling heavily around me like tears.

x x x

I returned home, needless to say, and gave that damned necklace back to that lovable idiot kid. I kind of receded into a place of quiet contemplation for a few days, Sasuke's words echoing about in my head. I honestly thought that my little foray into the world of romance would end with the Uchiha brothers, but, once AGAIN, I was sadly mistaken. (Have you noticed the pattern here, yet?)

The next time It happened there was no secret meeting, no deception, just an honest and very unforgettable encounter. And even tough I hadn't been captured, I couldn't have escaped- even if I wanted to.

x x x

TBC

Notes: Angst? WTF?! I thought the FLUFF was bad enough, but now there's ANGST?! Seriously, you guys have got to stop letting me do this...Ah well, I hope the beginning filled your quota of humor and crack for the day.

OH! and for those who care, "Carpools" had been updated! (FINALLY)

I bet you can guess which pairing comes next, lol. Anyways, feedback would be love.

BISCUIT.