'The way through the woods'

"CONCRETE CLOURED SKY" PT2 CHAPTER 4

After much heated argument Jack finally won the battle with PC Davidson about being allowed to stay in the cell over night with Ianto with the strict proviso that there was no 'funny business' going on. Jack had gone out to fetch Ianto some edible food and returned two hours later with Chinese take out for them both and for the reluctantly co operative police officer. Andy sighed thinking he'd be in serious trouble, but Harkness having made it clear that Ianto was in no fit state to be left alone had finally convinced him. After lights out Ianto had settled down to sleep with his head in Jacks lap and the lovely great coat spread over his thin body. Jack sat there the entire night in a relaxed doze gently running soothing fingers through Ianto's hair and holding on to one of his hands. Amazingly Ianto slept right through the night without so much as a single snore, his breaths deep, slow and even his young face set in a peaceful mask. It was rare to see the Welshman in such a state of contentment and Jack was quietly grateful for it.

The interview the following morning with DI Swanson was brief, they read through Ianto's statement of the day before and took a DNA sample and finger prints and said they'd be in touch if anything came to light. DI Swanson took Jack aside and recommended a good psychologist. Ianto was rather dismayed by the fact that the police had no intention of detaining him further unless any incriminating evidence came to light. Ianto was advised not to leave Cardiff in the near future.

The ride in the taxi back to Ianto's flat was uncomfortable at best, punctuated by Ianto's sighs of agitation. He really hadn't expected to be released and now he felt bereft and extremely nervous. Afraid of himself and what he thought he was capable of. The police wouldn't find anything. Ianto was wholly aware of how well he could cover his own tracks; he had fooled everyone for months when he had hidden Lisa in the basement. He sat there picking at his fingernails trying not to squirm in Jack's embrace. Ianto could not understand why Jack believed him innocent. Out of all of the team Jack was the only one who had born witness to Ianto's temper and what a fierce one it was, so Jack knew damn well that Ianto was capable of violence. Though not often allowed to the surface, the last time he'd let go Jack had suffered a fractured cheekbone and Ianto had broken two knuckles punching the door in his lounge.

It was just all the details that evaded him. He remembered feeling excited, aroused and powerful as he followed the women and wrung their necks. He recalled their cries of fear and for mercy as the rain ran down the back of his neck from his hair. Then he revisited his extreme panic and overwhelming remorseful tears moments after the terrible acts. The memories made his gut hurt. He felt Jack's comforting squeeze of his shoulders just before they got out of the cab. Ianto walked numbly up the steps to his front door as Jack paid the cabbie. Ianto paused remembering that he did not have his keys with him.

Jack let them in and Ianto went straight to the bathroom without a word so he could get a shower. As soon as he heard the water turn on Jack called the Hub and spoke to Gwen, advising her that Ianto had been released and that both of them would be back in to work the following day, assuming the world wasn't about to end anyway. Jack hung up before Gwen could go into interrogation mode; he had no desire to discuss Ianto's problems with her.

Ianto stood under the scalding jet of water, mesmerised by the shiny droplets that ran down the tiles in front of him. He held up his hands so the water caressed his fingers and formed rivulets that flowed over his arms dripping down from his elbows. He lost himself in the sound and allowed his mind to drift, the night, the rain and the woman running away from him down the narrow pathway of a dead end alley. Ianto sucked in a shuddering breath and almost fell over. There was something else, clawing at the very edge of the moment and Ianto failed to recall what it was. Jack was banging on the bathroom door and yelling his name worriedly. Ianto shook himself to regain his equilibrium, wondering how long he had zoned out for. He grabbed the shower Gel.

"Be there in a minute Jack." He shouted.

Five minutes later he stepped out of the bathroom a towel round his narrow waist another in his hand rubbing at dripping hair. Ianto felt vaguely uncomfortable under Jack's appreciative gaze and mumbled a thank you when his lover gave him a mug of tea. Ianto was too preoccupied for conversation and much to his relief Jack seemed to recognise this and contented himself by going back to the kitchen to make them some lunch as Ianto got dressed.

An hour later and Ianto was curled up on his sofa, leaning his head into Jack's shoulder.

"What am I going to do Jack?"

Jack was running his fingers absently through Ianto's soft hair and the young man usually enjoyed the intimacy of that gesture. Today it felt mildly discomforting, undeserved.

"You are going to put this nonsense behind you and come back to work. The police will call you if they find anything you know that. I know you won't go running off anywhere, at least you'd better not and I want you where I can keep an eye on you. I know you Jones; I don't want you going off and doing something stupid." Jack kissed the top of his head.

"But what if….."

"Stop it right there. Right now there is nothing we can do. You will have to move on from this and learn to trust yourself or at least trust me when I tell you that you are innocent. I'm certain the Retcon has warped some memory from your past, probably from your experiences at Canary Wharf. I don't want to keep going over this Ianto. You haven't done anything bad so stop punishing yourself. End of subject."

Ianto sat up and looked at the stern expression on Jack's face. He wasn't comforted by it but smiled anyway for Jack's sake. Jack recognised the lie in the young man's expression straight away.

"I mean it Ianto. I need you back, fully compos mentis because this whole thing is really starting to freak me out, the others aren't exactly happy about it either." Jack hoped that playing this particular card might bring Ianto to his senses.

"I need to talk about this Jack!"

"And I'm done talking. We have to wait and get on."

"What if I hurt some one else? What if I turn on Tosh or Gwen?"

"Then I'll put you down myself."

"Is that a promise Jack?"

Jack met his look. "Yes. Now please can we change the subject?"

Ianto huddled in closer. "Thank you and yes we can."

They lapsed into silence, Ianto snaking his arms around Jack for comfort. Jack was gently rubbing circles with his fingers on Ianto's shoulder and kissing his hair.

"I finished the case file on Tommy the other day. I found where he was buried, I was wondering if you think I should tell Tosh where he is."

Jack was smiling. "You didn't have to go to such lengths."

"I just wanted the file closed properly, for him really because of what he did for us."

"I think Tosh would appreciate being able to say goodbye, you should tell her."

Ianto nodded. They became quiet again for a while.

"I'm sorry about all this mess Jack."

"Not your fault."

"I know. It's Torchwood. It really fucks with our lives, makes me glad I'm not with any one on the outside. I don't know how Rhys copes with it all."

"He loves Gwen. I know should've Retconned him a while back, but it will be easier for her now he knows, he'll understand more. You're still mad with me about that aren't you?"

Ianto smiled. "Yes but I understand why you did it. I just know that you wouldn't have done it for anyone else and I think that is what made me mad about that. You keep making allowances for her mistakes, you always have. I know I am in no position to talk, after Lisa, but you have to be stronger than that Jack. Your compassion will be your undoing, you can't afford that in your position."

"Would you have Retconned him?"

"I would've Retconned them both and allowed them to have their lives back especially now they are getting married."

Jack shifted his position, slightly taken aback. "Do you have some issue with Gwen that I don't know about?"

"You know I do, but that's personal not professional." Ianto sat up properly. "She's in love with you Jack. It annoys me because you lead her on."

Jack frowned at him. "It's not like you to be jealous."

The young heaved out a huge sigh and got up. "How would you know that? Look Jack, I know you care about me, you wouldn't be here for me now if you didn't. It's not about me doubting your feelings for me. I'm just not very good at sharing. Call it 21st century jealousy. Right now given who I think I am I wouldn't blame you for walking away from me. I'm not very strong at the moment and I don't think I can be the person you need me to be. I'm scared Jack, really scared of what I might be, but what's worse is the fact that I am never really going to know for sure. Now I'm rambling because I don't know what I am trying to say to you." Ianto shoved his hands into the pockets of his ratty jeans and pouted and Jack just sat there thinking he looked adorable. He reached out his hand to Ianto.

"Sit down."

Ianto complied and Jack took hold of his hands. "This is not about me needing you to be strong Ianto. I am worried about you. With all the things you have had to go through, this is first time I have seen you doubt yourself. You are a person of good conscience it's in the very fabric of your nature. I know that when you lose your control that it is for a very good reason and it takes a lot for that to happen. You're the strongest human I have ever met I think you're entitled to the odd lapse now and then. As for Gwen? I love her in the same way that I love Owen and Tosh and I will do everything I can to protect her relationship with Rhys, but we need her, I need her as part of Torchwood, she makes me see the world with better eyes and she's forced me to re-evaluate how I operate. If hadn't have met Gwen I would've killed you over Lisa and you have no idea how glad I am that I didn't. As for you? Well I'd pretty much fall apart with out you, you have given me everything of yourself over the last 18 months, even whilst I was away. I can never thank you enough for that. I love you and I trust you. I just wish you would feel the same about me."

"How can I trust you when I don't even trust myself?"

Jack smiled at him and leaned forward giving him a chaste kiss on the lips.

"Sometimes you just have to take things on faith." Jack touched his pale face. "I believe in you and I need you to believe in yourself again. This thing with your memory, don't let it overwhelm you, it isn't worth losing sight of who you are. I've been down that road Ianto and it only leads to self destruction."

"Who saved you?"

"The Doctor and Rose Tyler, believe me I was not a nice person before I met them."

"Was I different before all this? Am I the same person Jack?"

"Yes you are the same person. The man that I love." Jack cupped his face and held his gaze. "Yes."