Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter or any other character you recognize. Just occasionally dip my toes into JKR's world.

Chapter 7: Plan A: Some Sirius Digging

"Do you have the letter?"

"Duh! Come on, Alice, give me some credit!"

"Rather not. You see, I did that once, and I ended up with lemon-scented underwear. The second time I did it, I ended up bunny ears."

"The first was a joke, and the second was an accident, I swear!"

"Mmm-hmm. Whatever. I'm over it now, since I got back at you both times. Anyway, I believe I have the correct address, and if I don't then I'm going to kill you because you gave me that – that phony-thing."

"Phonebook. I thought you took Muggle Studies?"

"I got a Dreadful in it. What does that tell you?"

"That you are definitely a pureblood."

"So are you."

"Never said I wasn't, Alice dear!"

"I hate it when you call me that. Keep it up and I'll make sure Frank catches you. Then you will end up with bunny ears and lemon-scented underwear!"

"Thought you said you were over that!"

"Exactly, but that doesn't mean I forgot it. Now, shut up; that muggle lady is staring at us. Let's get this over it. Hopefully, your luck that always seems to kick in whenever you pull a prank will be with us and we don't screw it up."

"Of course we're lucky! I am, after all, the incredibly clever, undeniably lucky, severely sexy –"

"Now I know you must be joking. You got old, Sirius; you're not 'sexy' anymore."

"There are several women that would disagree with you."

"I'm sure there are, but since when are women always smart, just like men are never always smart? Are you sure this blue thing will deliver the letter?"

"Yep. Lily explained this to me."

"Oh, good. I can trust that she got it right. I must go, Sirius." There was a clink as the letter was pushed into the post office box. "I've got a dinner to make. Arthur and Molly Weasley and those of their brood not already at Hogwarts are coming over."

"Farewell, dear Alice."

"Shut up." Alice Longbottom put her hands in her pocket, walked around the corner of the sparsely populated street, and, with a pop, she was gone. Sirius Black smirked and patted the letterbox.

"You're in the family now, man," he drawled, grinning. "So remember: Never let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking." There was a small pop, and a letter landed on his head. Frowning, Sirius opened it. In a deceptively delicate hand was:

Dear Sirius,

quit imitating Marlon Brando. you've got nothing on him.

sincerely,
alice

"She stalks me, I swear," Sirius said out loud, making a muggle man stare at him in alarm.

"What is your problem?"

"What do you mean, what is my problem? That is NOT something that a man wears."

"It goes lovely with your eyes –"

"Shut up, Sirius. And it's red – it doesn't match my eyes at all, you colorblind nutcase."

"– I mean, you might actually get a woman to talk to you instead of just asking where the loo is –"

"I said, shut up, Sirius."

"But Remus, my dear friend, I'm only complimenting you on –"

"Sirius, unless you want this tea cup shoved up your nose, you will SHUT UP."

"I'm just saying, if you're trying to finally stop making your wardrobe look like a collection of funeral wear –"

CRASH! There was the sounds of a struggle and long streams of curses from both men as Remus's tea cup was knocked out of his hand by Sirius (which resulted in the crash), and was instead replaced with the sugar bowl, which was held in a death grip by Remus's fingers that were dangerously close to Sirius's nostrils.

Sirius, who had just gotten back from his mile-long morning jog, was not exactly at his physical best. He then thought of a motto that Mad-Eye Moody had taught him back in his Auror days: I might have to fight dirty, but I'll win. As a consequence, he raised his knee and promptly knocked Remus where the sun didn't shine.

It was comical to watch, thought Harry, looking from his position around the corner. There was a widening of the eyes, a swift 'oomph!' as a breath was exhaled, and a truly traumatized look on Remus's face. The next moment – well, if looks could kill, Sirius would've spontaneously combusted.

"SIRIUS YOU ASSHOLE!" Remus growled, and Harry had to hide his giggle; Uncle Remus only used words like that when he thought Harry wasn't around.

Remus reached up and grabbed – yes, grabbed – Sirius's face, like it was a mask, and pulled. Sirius howled; the sugar bowl hit the floor with another crash; little grains were everywhere. The two grappled; Remus grabbed Sirius's hand and tried to shove it in one of the shards of glass; they switched places, and Sirius's back hit the floor. Remus's expression was pretty amusing at this point, with Sirius's other hand pressed hard against the other's face so that Remus looked Asian.

It was then that Sev walked in, took one look at the scene, and stopped dead.

"I'm not even gonna ask," he deadpanned, "but I wish I had a camera." Remus and Sirius's heads slowly turned to look at Severus…and simultaneously realized several things:

Sirius was holding Remus's hand.

Remus was almost on top of Sirius.

There was a silk, dark red, very feminine-looking scarf on the kitchen countertop now above them and

Harry was laughing his little heart out in the doorway leading to the dining room.

As soon as their minds wrapped around this concept, there was another scrabble, only this time to get as far away from each other as possible. Sirius rolled across the floor like his idol James Bond, and Remus quickly stood up, straightened his clothes, and marched to the closet to get out the broom in order to clean up the glass-covered floor. He had to pass a now-smirking Severus, but couldn't quite bring himself to look him in the eye.

"Harry, stay out of the kitchen till I clean this up," he muttered sheepishly.

Severus grinned and made a point to keep at least two feet of space between the two of them, making Remus blush. Sirius was busy avoiding everyone's eye and looking out the window, hands on his hips trying to look manly.

"As amusing display as this is," said Severus a couple minutes later, after Remus had cleaned up the shards of glass (still avoiding Severus's eye) and Sirius had continued staring at the window occasionally snorting or clearing his throat (still not saying a word). "I'm afraid I have to break the code of silence. You have a letter, Remus."