Title: To Catch A Writer

Author: DoubtableSanity

Summery: Mortimer has been assigned to get Sirius Black's memoirs and she can't go home until she gets them. The only problem is he's avoiding her.

Disclaimer: I own only Mortimer. JKR owns HP and all character in the series. I just constantly try to kidnap them.

Author's Note: A fair Note to everyone this is my first story. Also a bit of OoC in Severus and Remus. Enjoy.

CHAPTER 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He is so lucky magic is impossible in that building or else he'd have bats flying out of his ass. Speaking of bats I need to owl my father soon before he sends out Dray to hunt me down and make sure I'm alright then drag me back for my painful death.

Seeing my destination I winced at the exterior of the building of 11 Grimauld and 13 ..wait where's 12.

Checking my file, I realized it was hidden, finding a scrap of paper with '12 grim auld' scribed on it . Looking up just in time to see 12 appear. I went to go knock on the door only to have it opened by a man with sandy brown hair open it.

"You must be Mrs. Mortimer." reaching to shake his hand I corrected him "Miss actually but leave that out just call me Mortimer, Mr.…"

Giving me an easy going smile as he ushered me in he said "oh forgive my poor manners, Lupin, Remus lupin"

Laughing I could help but joke "don't you mean" giving my best Sean Connery impersonation "Bond, James Bond." seeing his shock and recognition to my muggle movie reference I laughed even harder. It took him a while but eventually he joined in. Damn he looks good when he laughs. I wonder what he looks like when he's … Bad thought BEGONE!

Unfortunately drapes surrounding a picture flew open to release howls from a painting the would make a banshee run for cover. "Did she just call me a mud blood whore!" turning to the her, aka the painting of the bitch with a stick up her ass. "Go get yourself laid you pyro-pedo-podo-necrophiliac" this was apparently not appreciated by her as her volume and wrath only increased

Our commotion apparently drew an audience because I immediately realized I was beginning stared at by 8 pairs of eyes. Coming down from my laughing high was becoming slightly annoyed by their persistent staring, actually I think as red haired boy was actually gaping at me. I really didn't know why the were staring haven't the ever seen a witch with a sign on her abdomen that said 'enter her with an arrow pointed down' wait a tick …"EEP!"

Immediately I tried to rip it off only to find it stuck, and as I turned around still yanking on it I heard Lupin burst out laughing even harder. I craned my head to follow his gaze to my rear where another side read 'or here with lots of lube' it took a second but I recognized the hand writing , Dresden.

Seeing red I ripped the signs off with a bit of magical help from Remus as he told me to call him after our 'intimate affair' a.k.a. the sign removing with much laughter and accidental groping on his part. Accidental my ass, literally!

After calming him down I was introduced to the clan of Weasleys and the gaping one I found was Ron. Though they all asked what was my last name I learned long ago not to reveal that unless I wanted either strange looks or glares from current or former students of my father's. smoothly evading their questions I asked for Mr. Sirius just-found innocent Black only to be told he was in Italy for the day. Just great!

-------

After I calmed down, everyone decided to have tea in the dining room. I was sitting next to Remus, so I could smack him if he decided to make another remark, I swear that's all. Okay well that and ogle his but when he bent over the table to reach for a beignet. Mmm I know I would love to lick him GAH! that's it no more thinking for me!

I was rudely pulled out of my staring session by Bill, who sat on my left, asking me a question. "what?"

"What the hell did you call Mrs. Black I 've never heard her that loud?"

"nothing bad," I said , putting on my innocent face "just that she likes to have sex with dead baby feet while they're on fire." I think I said it to loud and here is the list of damage that comment made.

6 weasleys choking , the other 2 choking as well but not as long cause Bill burst out laughing and Mrs Weasley fainted, and well Remus doubled over laughing/choking giving me a perfect view of his ass again.

So that's what the scene of chaos was when my father walked in with Albus , Minerva, and Draco in tow.

Fortunately they took one look and just walked out. But my father did say something along the lines of only he could be cursed by fates with such a daughter.

"Severus really!"

"SEVERUS!" Minerva shouted at him. Looking at her with look of mischief "Bad KITTY!" poped out of his mouth followed by evil laughter . Minerva sprouted cat ears and a cat tail!

"WARNING: hell froze over, and someone kidnapped Sev and is impersonating him!'' that was Remus. I swear it, I felt like keeping my head besides I couldn't stop laughing to say but I hear 'danger will Roberson danger' melt down in 3..2..1..Father has reached critical anger… run forest RUN!

In split second Remus and I exchanged a glance and ran for it followed very closely be an enraged Severus and several bats driping blood from their fangs. I saw the portrait wisely stayed closed, I guess she does have a sense of survival after all.